Husband has had an affair

[LCBeauty]

My whole world came crashing down last night. I found a receipt inside my husbands wallet for a restaurant meal he went to that afternoon. I asked him ‘did you go out for lunch today?’ He said no. Oh just that there is a receipt in your wallet.. he walked into the kitchen and Mumbled something,, my instinct felt like something was wrong. He came through and said yes I was out for lunch with someone and women that he has been seeing for 6 months.. I felt the blood drain from my face.. shaking. We have been married for 14 years and I love him. We have 2 beautiful girls that we are so proud of. We have had issues, not enough intimacy, arguments.. but I and we do try harder. I am so heartbroken and I don’t have anyone to talk to! I just can’t believe he has done this to us. What do I do.. how can I forgive him?

@ChiefStockingStuffer

Yes, think of your girls and go to a solicitor. So you know your options.

Stop doing the 'pick me' dance; you're giving him all the power in your relationship. He has done wrong here, not you, and he should be begging for your forgiveness and coming clean. Not running, hiding, and abandoning you with your girls to sort out on your own while you're reeling.

This ^^ You have no idea what he's up, he could be seeing a solicitor this week. Please share this situation with someone IRL - I'm sure your best friend would be happy to talk to you regardless of her own problems, mutual support is part of close friendships.

Check your online banking and make sure he hasn't removed any money

I am so sorry of you: such heartache...
In case your relationship can be saved, I recommend reading 'The State of Affairs - Rethinking Infidelity' by Esther Perez. There are also youtube-videos where she talks about infidelity.

@LCBeauty

He did say sorry last night.. he said I’ve ruined everything. I’m not going to a solicitor just yet. I’ve got 2 girls to think of!

You've ruined everything?

What the actual?

Does this not make you want to divorce his cheating prick sack?

Agree talk to a solicitor- you need a roof over yours and the girls heads and before he thinks custody

You can't forgive until you have felt the anger. When you are angry you will then have to decide if you can get past it and what you need from him to do that.

My husband left last year, not the same circumstances at all but it took me 6 months to realise what I needed from him to be able to move on. In that 6 months we lived apart and it was miserable but it did mean that when i was ready to forgive we both had made the decision to really work on our marriage together.

At this point I think you would be quite unusual to be able to move past it straight away, the hurt is going to keep coming at you as you get to the bottom of the story. I really hope you find the right way for you and the strength to get through this time.

@frozendaisy for God's sake he means HE'S ruined everything. OP was explaining what he said.

It's all well and good pepetuating the "relationship can be saved" bs but that's not in situations where it's six months then he fucks off to the other woman with "oh woe his me" the guy is a narcissist and a very dramatic flair with it. He'll drag the angst out and be all "misunderstood" by Tuesday. Just your run of the mill boring cheat. OP could do better by clearing out the drain. Yawn. LTB.

Apologies read that wrong.
He's still a prick sack.

He’s left you with your children & no time to process anything.

He hasn’t talked to you at all & wont take your calls.

He’s just left you with this massive bombshell & walked away. If he needs space to consider what HE’S done-where’s your space? You’re just supposed to be able to carry on & not be upset about the position that HE has put you in?

He’s giving zero consideration for you here, OP. His actions say a lot more than the “sorry” he gave you in the way out of the door.

DAY 1

Beauty, firstly may I say I am so sorry this has happened to you. x

Ok, your normal today is pain, pain and more pain.
Do not expect to do anything, you will feel as though you are being kicked repeatedly in the stomach, it physically hurts.

You may feel nauseous, anxious, terrified, angry, sad, devastated and totally confused. Your body is going through an assualt course.
Please try to drink, sweet tea, hot chocolate anything with calories, if you can try to eat keep it light. You will get through this.

The advice on here is for you to read when you have some moments of clarity, not yet, you are not strong enough to absorb anything.

What you have written in your op means nothing, I don't mean to be disrespectful but you have as yet not had any answers to your questions, we can only guess what his intentions are, basically you don't know how you are going to feel
You don't know her name or anything about their plans, you are currently in limbo.

You are about to embark on the most horrible journey anybody can undertake in a marriage. You don't need to make a decision now, just listen and watch his actions.

What I would do this week is make an appointment at the Gp's preferably with a female gp, they are very understanding and will want to look you over for shock and maybe perscribe something to help.

Second, please tell your parents if possible or siblings, try to get help in place with the children as you will find you will start to run on empty soon.

Thirdly, please transfer half of your joint savings into an account, tommorow if possible. THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT

The reason it is so important is that he did not stay to reasure you at all upon discovery of the affair, and that he confessed willingly instead of trying to make up a lie about the meal.

Take care, keep posting, we will all hold your hand and answer any questions.

I’m so sorry OP. You’ve had a massive shock and you need support. Please talk to your best friend, or someone else you trust. If you really can’t do that then phone the Samaritans. They will listen and can also signpost you to the right sort of help. This situation is absolutely what the service exists for (it is a common misconception that they are for people who are suicidal. That’s not true. They are there for anyone who needs support).

You are going to need time to process and accept what has happened. You can’t do that until you have all the information. He’s depriving you of that right now, but hopefully you can get more info tomorrow. Make a list of all the questions you need answers to.

Also, please do seek legal advice. It is just advice, you don’t have to act on it. It is just an information gathering exercise.

You can only make decisions about the best way forward for you and the children when you have gathered all the information. Please don’t go through this alone. There is so much help out there, now is the time to use it.

My heart goes out to you, LCBeauty.

Remember that knowledge is power. Meeting with a solicitor to learn your options is the smart move here for yourself and your girls.

Realize that this liar is not your friend. For 6+ months he has been trashing your marriage and family — pretending at home while cheating and parading around in public with OW. He is capable of much deception and is responsible for all of his unethical choices.

Know that he is unremorseful. A wayward spouse who feels true remorse does not bail on his wife and daughters immediately after discovery. This low-life decided to twist the knife. He walked out, leaving you traumatized and alone to parent your children. His priority was blanking you and running to OW to protect their relationship.

Find your anger and agency, OP. This entitled cheat doesn’t get to control the narrative and call the shots here. You do. In your shoes, I would inform him that you are disgusted with his contemptuous behavior and will therefore speak to him after you’ve had some space. In the meantime, arm yourself with information.

Keep posting and gather as much support as you can.

You do need to think of your girls... and the example you set for them. And also the role you allow this man to play in their lives moving forward.

It's too soon to think about forgiving him. You don't really have the full story. Having been through a similar thing, after 22 years of marriage, I know that I would do things differently if |I could go back in time. I'd throw him out straight away.

I don't think I could forgive him for disappearing after he told you and being uncontactable. Surely if he was that desperate to fix things and scared of losing you he would be at home with you

Definitely take my advice on withdrawing half of the money and notifying the bank OP. I wasn't quick enough - my ex withdraw all the money from the account and closed it down by lying to the bank. Don't make my mistake. Forewarned is forearmed.

@Fredstheteds

Agree talk to a solicitor- you need a roof over yours and the girls heads and before he thinks custody

OP is already scared and shocked. Don't make her think that her children won't have a roof over their heads as well.

We still don't know who earns more, if the OP works, if she is a SAHM, etc. And don't scare her with him "thinking custody" (custody has only entered our vocabulary via American dramas - it isn't recognised as a concept in the UK).

Whether the OP works f/t or is a SAHM, she will not lose the "roof over her and her girls' heads". Neither will she "lose custody". People only say this kind of thing if they have no concept of matrimonial law.

I repeat to the OP: Do not take half of anything. Don't touch your bank accounts, other than for normal expenditure. You and your husband may decide to try to put this behind you and move on - but even if that isn't what happens in the end, you don't want to do anything that could prejudice your position.

For the next few days, do nothing at all while you try to come to terms with this terrible shock. If you can talk to someone in real life, that would be by far the most helpful thing.

@gonnabeok

Definitely take my advice on withdrawing half of the money and notifying the bank OP. I wasn't quick enough - my ex withdraw all the money from the account and closed it down by lying to the bank. Don't make my mistake. Forewarned is forearmed.

I have to take issue with this. I'm sorry that you experienced this - it's shit. However, it shouldn't have been possible, and I'm surprised that it was. Joint accounts need to be closed by two people (I know this for a fact). It would be sensible for the OP to keep proofs of funds, just in case she should need them, and for her to keep tabs on what's going out of any joint accounts (this is where joint accounts are such a good thing: if couples have separate accounts, they can hide assets much more efficiently). However, any lawyer would advise her under no circumstances to withdraw half of any funds before reaching any financial settlement - and the OP has only just found out that her husband has had an affair, and doesn't even yet know whether they are going to remain married. So it is far too soon for this stuff.

I’ve never had a joint account and I don’t know anybody who does.

@BoudecaBains

I’ve never had a joint account and I don’t know anybody who does.

Huh? Most people I know have joint accounts, plus their own

You need to get angry and get a solicitor OP, what if he does love her and wants a divorce and to be with her?

what if he never has any intention of ending it with her, and actually with her right now?

get firm and angry, dont do the pick me dance. Its very sad and you can do better

Get in control of your life now

He does not get to decide what happens next !
This is your life ! Your girls life ! Don’t let him do what ever he wants to .

You’ve got this . It will be awful for a while … then a teeny bit less son… and less and less

It will be ok .

Hi op.
I've been there.
Have a look at the survivinginfidelity website.
You need to take a little time to think about you.

You are in pain and in shock right now and you need some support in real life.

You have not ruined anything except his fun.
He has ruined your marriage.

Marriages can heal from affairs BUT only if the offending partner does a lot of work. They need to acknowledge the hurt, pain and damage they have caused. They need to cut all tied to the affair partner, if that involves changing jobs, changing phone numbers then That is what needs to be done. They need to do some work on why they had the affair. They need to be as open and honest as you need them to be.
It's a long hard journey for both people.

Right now your husband is blaming you. He's run away and is not showing you kindness or compassion.
From your posts you sound like you are heading down the 'pick me' dance route and there are numerous posts here on how this doesn't work and will only do your mental health harm.
It's not on you to fix anything.

You need to take care of yourself.

Your daughters are the very reason you need legal advice. Look what he's done to all of you and going forward he could do a lot worse unless you protect yourself and your children financially etc.
He's shown he's only interested in himself - not your girls and not you. You need to put yourself and them front and centre of every decision you make from now.
He's not exactly a great role model for men for them is he?