Don't trust DH | Mumsnet

Sydney0101 · 2021-12-08T16:42:08+00:00

Been together a long time, but something in me just does not trust him and I can't shake it off. I haven't spoken to him about it, but I constantly feel like he is hiding something from me and some of his actions don't help. He is a loving and caring husband and father but my small gut feels different and I can't help be in a mood or act as if he is guilty of something. Has anyone experienced this but been wrong, maybe I am just paranoid..

PurpleDaisies · 08/12/2021 16:43

What sort of actions are you talking about?

Paddybare · 08/12/2021 16:44

What are the actions that you find troubling? Gut feel is often right in my experience but it may help to rationally discuss a little more detail.

WindyWindsor · 08/12/2021 16:48

I think this requires more context to answer. There's being suspect about your partner because they're acting suspect and then there's being suspect due to projecting personal insecurities into them.

The rule I usually go by is if things don't make sense in a situation then there's a legitimate reason for it which is usually what your gut picks up on.

Original poster

Sydney0101 · 08/12/2021 16:52

His work phone use to be accessible to me and I never had an interest to go in it. However, last few months he's changed the password and gets very defensive when I've asked why he's changed it and he just say it's a work phone bla bla..

For me it's the fact he all the sudden changed it and now acts as if I'm crazy for wanting to know why he changed it and giving me access if he's hiding nothing.

I am not one bit ok with him talking with other females or having lunch etc and he is the same. However, I think he had changed it so that he can talk to whoever he wants on his WhatsApp without me having access or knowing. I know he has met up for catch ups with female co workers ( he thinks I don't know) but I know he would have an issue if I did same thing.

I don't like how friendly he is either and think he does too much and it's not necessary. However, he would disagree of course.

I think I have become more paranoid and jealous over time and it's those things that just make me doubt him more.

Like I said it could be in my head, and maybe he is not cheating but he is definitely up to something he knows I will not be ok with.

He shuts me down and starts an argument if we even talk about it. He thinks that he had just got rid of me asking but I'm constantly thinking about it and don't know how else to approach.

I feel really sad that I have come to a point where I feel I don't trust him but I do love him ..

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Tee20x · 08/12/2021 16:59

You're not happy with him talking to other women? Given that the they make up half of the population?

The root of the problem is probably that you know he's already doing these things behind your back.

BigFatLiar · 08/12/2021 17:04

Perhaps he thinks you're a little too inquisitive and he's upset at the lack of privacy/trust.
His work phone use to be accessible to me and I never had an interest to go in it. However, last few months he's changed the password
Well obviously you have been checking it or you wouldn't know.
He may have been cheating, he may not, but you certainly don't trust him. If I was him I'd be looking to leave even if I was totally innocent.

Original poster

Sydney0101 · 08/12/2021 17:06

@Tee20x

You're not happy with him talking to other women? Given that the they make up half of the population?

The root of the problem is probably that you know he's already doing these things behind your back.

I don't want him talking to other females if it's not about work or necessary things. It works for some couples and we were one of those. He is the same as me if not worse.

I do think that he him being sneaky is what makes it worse.

I am not interested in what others do, I care what my husband does and frankly I don't trust any other party.

The people I know, I am ok with but it's the unknown that is getting to me

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gannett · 08/12/2021 17:07

I am not one bit ok with him talking with other females or having lunch etc and he is the same. However, I think he had changed it so that he can talk to whoever he wants on his WhatsApp without me having access or knowing. I know he has met up for catch ups with female co workers ( he thinks I don't know) but I know he would have an issue if I did same thing.

Red flags waving loud and clear... about YOU, OP.

What a horrendous, controlling attitude.

MrzClaus · 08/12/2021 17:09

Genuinely this sounds like quite an issue on your end (unless there's more information we don't know which is obviously the case as it's only the internet!).

It is his work phone, you don't need access to it - and have you been checking it to know the passcode has changed (this would be obvious if you brought it up!).

You don't like him meeting females - even in a work capacity? You think he's just too friendly? It sounds like you don't like his personality much tbh.

If you're checking his work phones / banning him from being friendly / not allowing him to talk to females (at work!) I'd also be a bit miffed if I were in his shoes.

Original poster

Sydney0101 · 08/12/2021 17:10

@BigFatLiar

Perhaps he thinks you're a little too inquisitive and he's upset at the lack of privacy/trust. His work phone use to be accessible to me and I never had an interest to go in it. However, last few months he's changed the password Well obviously you have been checking it or you wouldn't know. He may have been cheating, he may not, but you certainly don't trust him. If I was him I'd be looking to leave even if I was totally innocent.

I only know because he gave it to me a while back because I was doing some work for him and he gave me the password himself.

However, when he needed me to do something again, he took ages doing something on his phone and then gave it to me and when it got locked and I went to our pass is when I realised he had changed it.

Why change all the sudden and make changes before handing to me. It comes across very sneaky.

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Original poster

Sydney0101 · 08/12/2021 17:12

@MrzClaus

Genuinely this sounds like quite an issue on your end (unless there's more information we don't know which is obviously the case as it's only the internet!).

It is his work phone, you don't need access to it - and have you been checking it to know the passcode has changed (this would be obvious if you brought it up!).

You don't like him meeting females - even in a work capacity? You think he's just too friendly? It sounds like you don't like his personality much tbh.

If you're checking his work phones / banning him from being friendly / not allowing him to talk to females (at work!) I'd also be a bit miffed if I were in his shoes.

Your right it is the internet, and I am only sharing a very small part.

Like I said, it could be I'm feeling paranoid and he's not doing anything but surely I should be able to shake it off eventually and I just can't.

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TedMullins · 08/12/2021 17:12

If you both get paranoid and jealous at the other talking to members of the opposite sex unless it’s absolutely essential work chat then you’re both as crazy as each other.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 08/12/2021 17:12

Constantly demanding access to each other's phones to pacify your own raging insecurity and banning each other from having informal conversations with the opposite sex is absolutely not in any way normal or healthy. The fact that it's mutual does not mean your relationship is 'working'. You are both showing signs of paranoid jealously and really need to get some help.

sassbott · 08/12/2021 17:12

@Sydney0101 question. Do you think your attitude is reasonable or acceptable?

Original poster

Sydney0101 · 08/12/2021 17:14

@TedMullins

If you both get paranoid and jealous at the other talking to members of the opposite sex unless it’s absolutely essential work chat then you’re both as crazy as each other.

We probably are and it's just worked that way with us.

Every couple is different and some mind and some don't.

Neither of us have an issue with the people we both know. However, sneaking off to talk to others and meeting up but keeping it down low is simply not ok.

It's the unknown and like I said he could be innocent but it doesn't come across innocent and I can't help feeling the way I do

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MollysDolly · 08/12/2021 17:16

Why are you both so untrustworthy of each other spending time with work colleagues of the opposite sex?

Has one of you cheated in the past? Is it how you got together? Where does this come from?

BigFatLiar · 08/12/2021 17:17

I only know because he gave it to me a while back because I was doing some work for him and he gave me the password himself.

Odd, does he have a personal phone.
We used to have works phones (DH & I) and our own phones. Our own phones weren't smart enough for passwords. It would have been a sackable offence to share our passwords for phone or computer (even with partner) they were solely for work.

Original poster

Sydney0101 · 08/12/2021 17:19

@MollysDolly

Why are you both so untrustworthy of each other spending time with work colleagues of the opposite sex?

Has one of you cheated in the past? Is it how you got together? Where does this come from?

It's the unknown like I mentioned.

I do talk to male colleagues and vice verses and we're both ok when there is clearly nothing to hide.

But making sudden changes and then getting defensive, I am sure will make a lot of people question of doubt.

It does go deeper but for now that's all context I am giving because it's one thing that has made me feel this way

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Original poster

Sydney0101 · 08/12/2021 17:21

@BigFatLiar

I only know because he gave it to me a while back because I was doing some work for him and he gave me the password himself.

Odd, does he have a personal phone.
We used to have works phones (DH & I) and our own phones. Our own phones weren't smart enough for passwords. It would have been a sackable offence to share our passwords for phone or computer (even with partner) they were solely for work.

Both phones are smart phones but I truly believe he has changed it so he can talk to people that I don't know about.

Ifs really easy to judge based on what anyone is reading. However, is your other half was to suddenly change and act suspicious and then get defensive, anyone would start questioning

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XDownwiththissortofthingX · 08/12/2021 17:23

Neither of us have an issue with the people we both know. However, sneaking off to talk to others and meeting up but keeping it down low is simply not ok

No, talking to other people is perfectly normal. What's not normal is feeling you have to 'sneak off' or keep it on the 'down low' because of your partner's raging insecurity and jealousy.

I do talk to male colleagues and vice verses and we're both ok when there is clearly nothing to hide

Again, the issue here is that you appear to believe that incidental conversations with the opposite sex only occur when there IS 'something to hide'. This is totally unhealthy and not normal.

Neveragain85 · 08/12/2021 17:24

I would feel the same if it was a sudden change from his normal behaviour

Original poster

Sydney0101 · 08/12/2021 17:29

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

Neither of us have an issue with the people we both know. However, sneaking off to talk to others and meeting up but keeping it down low is simply not ok

No, talking to other people is perfectly normal. What's not normal is feeling you have to 'sneak off' or keep it on the 'down low' because of your partner's raging insecurity and jealousy.

I do talk to male colleagues and vice verses and we're both ok when there is clearly nothing to hide

Again, the issue here is that you appear to believe that incidental conversations with the opposite sex only occur when there IS 'something to hide'. This is totally unhealthy and not normal.

If you have nothing to hide, and it's innocent then why leave it be sneaky.. that is 100% a red flag.

Even if I don't know the person, and they can talk comfortable around me (which often happens) that's fine.

If you sneak off that has nothing to do with jealousy, it's pure sly and suspicious.

If your innocent then keep it the same as you do with everyone. Why suddenly change behaviour when it comes to certain people etc.

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Original poster

Sydney0101 · 08/12/2021 17:30

@Neveragain85

I would feel the same if it was a sudden change from his normal behaviour

Thank you!

That is my whole point, it's changing from your ordinary self out of the blue.

Everyone here would feel same if their significant other starting suddenly changing and they wouldn't be here talking shit to me.

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2021 17:31

I'm assuming there is previous for cheating within the relationship and that's why you have such stringent 'rules' that most people would find unhealthy?

Original poster

Sydney0101 · 08/12/2021 17:33

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I'm assuming there is previous for cheating within the relationship and that's why you have such stringent 'rules' that most people would find unhealthy?

There is.

However, even if there wasn't I don't see why feel the need to make yourself a target if your truly innocent or having nothing to hide.

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