Don't trust DH

[Sydney0101]

Been together a long time, but something in me just does not trust him and I can't shake it off.

I haven't spoken to him about it, but I constantly feel like he is hiding something from me and some of his actions don't help.

He is a loving and caring husband and father but my small gut feels different and I can't help be in a mood or act as if he is guilty of something.

Has anyone experienced this but been wrong, maybe I am just paranoid..

He once had a 'friend' who knew him before me and when he got with me, she was very jealous and very against me.

I never met his woman, never spoke to her but she was so against me because I was with him.

I kept quiet for a long time and would ask him what is her problem with me and she never had a reason to give. I think race maybe had something to do with it.

Me & him started getting very serious and it got to the point, I told him I don't her in our lives, a so called 'friend' who is negative and plain rude for no reason. However, I also believe it's because she wanted him to be with their other friend who also liked him and maybe felt I was in the way.

Second scenario, another 'friend' saw me with him and ran up and jumped on him. Honestly who does that ?! Let me guess, I am the one that's wrong here.

Third scenario of another 'friend' when we were going through struggles and he started drinking. I saw messages of her encouraging him to do what he needed to do and drink if that helped and maybe get with other women etc. Again, I must be the over possessive wife.

The choice of people in his life, have give me 0 reassurance and reason to like any of them or want them to continue talking with my husband. As his wife, I should come before any friend.

On the other hand, there are other women I am aware of and know of and honestly have 0 issues with. One of them was upset about something and I told him to get her something that might cheer her up. Again, what a bat shit crazy wife I am.

I don't trust the intentions of others, and unfortunately my husband can sometimes be very obvious and not see through people.

I will never not in a million years be ok with him having ' girl best friends ' or go out and socialise on on one. Forget that not with me.

I know LOTS of couples like this and if not worse, and to be honest their relationships last way longer than these ' your free to talk and meet who you want etc'.

A marriage is a different level to any other relationship.

These are not rules plastered on our walls, they should be basics for everyone. Don't be stupid and do anything stupid and you won't give your partner a reason to not trust you!

@girlmom21

Second scenario, talking to others in my present and then with certain people going to another room and shutting the door, what am I suppose to think.

I hate talking on the phone with other people in earshot. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Especially when it's work related. I'm not shagging anyone at work but I'd leave the room too.

If that's your normal behaviour and it's the same with everyone. Whatever.

However, if it's only with certain people, then there is obviously an issue

So he's never actually cheated or done anything untoward - he just had female friends?

Not every women is honest in their intentions and some have shown that

So? Nor has every man, you don’t need to trust anyone else. You only need to trust your husband won’t have sex with any woman who offers it. Something you clearly don’t trust.

That’s your issue. Along with extreme jealousy and insecurity. A heady and dangerous mix. A bloke who would shag anyone who offered and a wife who is jealous and insecure, possibly because of it, possibly not.

What a way to live.

Isn't it just a bit rude to talk loudly on the phone in front of someone else?
If I'm reading/watching TV/chatting to family members or even cooking (which j find quite relaxing) I don't want my DH standing there talking loudly on the phone.
I actually kick him out and shut the door behind him so he doesn't disturb me.

@Bluntness100

Not every women is honest in their intentions and some have shown that

So? Nor has every man, you don’t need to trust anyone else. You only need to trust your husband won’t have sex with any woman who offers it. Something you clearly don’t trust.

That’s your issue. Along with extreme jealousy and insecurity. A heady and dangerous mix. A bloke who would shag anyone who offered and a wife who is jealous and insecure, possibly because of it, possibly not.

What a way to live.

So your logic, let him continue talking so long as he refuses.

@Yamayo

Isn't it just a bit rude to talk loudly on the phone in front of someone else? If I'm reading/watching TV/chatting to family members or even cooking (which j find quite relaxing) I don't want my DH standing there talking loudly on the phone. I actually kick him out and shut the door behind him so he doesn't disturb me.

It's just the way our room is set up.

Most of the time, I will leave him in peace myself but if someone is calling that is clearly not work related, why are you hiding for.

I've heard every reason/ excuse and believe me it's not as straight forward as your making it sound

@Yamayo

Isn't it just a bit rude to talk loudly on the phone in front of someone else? If I'm reading/watching TV/chatting to family members or even cooking (which j find quite relaxing) I don't want my DH standing there talking loudly on the phone. I actually kick him out and shut the door behind him so he doesn't disturb me.

Even if it's another woman?! You're asking to be cheated on...

Wait, has your husband ever actually cheated on you? From what you’ve posted before about issues in the past I think a lot of people including myself have assumed he has, which has led to these crazy rules and no trust, but you’ve just described a few situations with female friends that don’t sound anything like cheating, just that his friends didn’t like you or were a bit shady?

@Sydney0101 you need to seriously sit down with him and have a proper conversation. This isn't healthy.

His behaviour has changed and that's made you suspicious and that needs to be resolved because it'll just get worse and worse otherwise.

If he doesn't want an open conversation, or he refuses to be open and honest with his communication or whatever, you'll need to make a decision.

If he is willing to be open and proves he's not hiding anything, you should consider getting some help.

@Elsiebear90

Wait, has your husband ever actually cheated on you? From what you’ve posted before about issues in the past I think a lot of people including myself have assumed he has, which has led to these crazy rules and no trust, but you’ve just described a few situations with female friends that don’t sound anything like cheating, just that his friends didn’t like you or were a bit shady?

I was simply pointing out a few scenarios with these 'friends' that everyone is saying I should relax with.

Has he ever cheated on you though? If he has a history of cheating I think a lot of people would understand why you feel the way you do rather than thinking you’re just controlling and paranoid.

I know a girl who is single and with the mentality like a lot of you.

She has a friend who she only had a fling with but they realised non of them the same and should only remain 'friends'.

This guy has a girlfriend and been with her for a while, and she has an issue him talking to this girl. He then chats to her secretly and I've seen some of their convos that she's showed me and it just confirms for me that I am not crazy.

I've asked her do you not care that your causing problems by talking with him, and her response is if ' I don't care' and will continue because she what's to.

Although she's clearly wrong, I think he worse because he has no respect for his girlfriend or his relationship.

Furthermore, this 'friend' only talks to other women's men but because it doesn't affect her it doesn't matter.

@Sydney0101 so you're friends with a woman who only flirts with committed men? That's not going to do anything for your mental health.

Ultimately, do you trust your husband? If you don't what's the point?

Isn't it exhausting being so anxious and paranoid?

I also think a lot of these clashes are also with people from different cultures.

Some cultures example English culture typically don't mind partners socialising and talking to opposite sexes on a one to one basis, and will call you crazy if you think different.

Nothing wrong with, it's just the way some cultures are and the way some people are brought up.

However, there are other cultures that actually think very alike and will disagree the fact you let your husband talk to other women that you don't know about.

There was a guy I knew who was with a girl for 3 years, different cultures again. She had this 'friend' who happen to always be about and her man was not happy about it. She moved out of the city because of Uni and ended up getting an apartment with this 'male friend'. However, this girl saw nothing wrong with it and didn't think to share with her man. He only found out because she was making food for the both of them. Furthermore, they broke up because she simply couldn't understand what was wrong with the situation ( like most of you).

[quote girlmom21]@Sydney0101 so you're friends with a woman who only flirts with committed men? That's not going to do anything for your mental health.

Ultimately, do you trust your husband? If you don't what's the point?

Isn't it exhausting being so anxious and paranoid? [/quote]
She happens to be more blood then friend so can't really get rid of her

@Sydney0101 are you able to reduce contact or limit talking about her love life?

Is she from the same cultural background as you?

Is your husband from the same cultural background as you?

[quote girlmom21]@Sydney0101 are you able to reduce contact or limit talking about her love life?

Is she from the same cultural background as you?

Is your husband from the same cultural background as you? [/quote]
Yes

Well, the answer to this is that you recalibrate your boundaries to match his.

He's clearly not happy with the 'agreement' that you are both not ok with solo engagements with the opposite sex, etc.

He won't talk to you about this change - so, you have no choice but to accept it.

The only fair way to accept it is to say ok, things have clearly changed here. Seeing as I can't get a sensible commuication with you over how and why that is, or any reassurance that we are still on the same (unoubtedly insecure!) page, then ok. You are going to go ahead and meet people - so will I.

And do it. If you want solo conversations with male friends, meet ups, private conversations - he now has no reason to feel threatened by that. Because he does it, and he clearly thinks it's ok within a relationship. So do it. And change your phone password. It seems to be the in thing, no?

If he doesn't like it, sit down and say - well, time to have a sensible non-shutting-me-down conversation then, isn't it? Or this is the new normal.

There is NEVER going to be one rule for him, one for you. Make that clear and see what happens.

@Skeumorph

Well, the answer to this is that you recalibrate your boundaries to match his.

He's clearly not happy with the 'agreement' that you are both not ok with solo engagements with the opposite sex, etc.

He won't talk to you about this change - so, you have no choice but to accept it.

The only fair way to accept it is to say ok, things have clearly changed here. Seeing as I can't get a sensible commuication with you over how and why that is, or any reassurance that we are still on the same (unoubtedly insecure!) page, then ok. You are going to go ahead and meet people - so will I.

And do it. If you want solo conversations with male friends, meet ups, private conversations - he now has no reason to feel threatened by that. Because he does it, and he clearly thinks it's ok within a relationship. So do it. And change your phone password. It seems to be the in thing, no?

If he doesn't like it, sit down and say - well, time to have a sensible non-shutting-me-down conversation then, isn't it? Or this is the new normal.

There is NEVER going to be one rule for him, one for you. Make that clear and see what happens.

Thank you, that is actually good advise.

Funny these situations, it's ok when one does it but not the other.

If my husband talks to another women, I am not straight away thinking he is cheating or is going to cheat. He can talk to them but what is wrong with me being aware of who the fuck he talks to. He is not a single man and personally anyone who behaves like that while In a relationship clearly wants to be single and have freedom to talk to any women/ man.

OP, I understand what you are saying with this. And my relationship is very similar. We are both aware of the friends we each have, and if and when we spend time with them. If I was having regular lunches with a male colleague for example with no legitimate business reason to do so it would start to make my DP uncomfortable, and vice versa. Different if its a group of colleagues. Different if the lunch was necessary for work. Different if it was a colleague of the same sex.

Its not because immediately we'll think the other is up to no good, but when in a relationship there are certain boundaries and if both partners are on the same page theres no issue. If things start getting hidden, how is that a healthy respectful relationship.

Theres also no 'normal' to relationships. Theres no standard template.
For some people telling their partner where they are going out, who with and when they are expected back is 'normal' for others it isn't.
Its what works in your relationship.

Your DP seems to be doing something out of the ordinary. No reason why you shouldn't question that. I know I would.

I hope you are able to get some answers and it's all innocent.

OP, you should have started your post with 'we are from a different culture', you would get perhaps more cautious responses. Asking for advice in what is predominantly British forum with your highly unusual for Britain boundaries was doomed to get very categorical answers. I don't know what culture is that. Even my strict Muslim friends would feel more relaxed, but if you are both from the same culture and he is on the same page then you need to talk to him in a more straightforward way. You mentioned you've never actually discussed it. Perhaps it is time to do so. Tell him you feel strongly about knowing everything about his interactions with all the women irrespective of the occasion. If he actually agrees to these rules and then continues to hide his phone then you have a problem.

However, don't ignore the fact there are men out there that actually are doing something they shouldn't and their poor wives get shit because they are suspicious and then these men get away with everything because society have said their wife is crazy and paranoid and jealous

Oh I'm not having a pop I agree! I also think some people are very naive and blind trust their OHs.

The thing is I don't think your husband is on the same page as you or particularly trustworthy by the sound of it.
He has form for this sort of behaviour so perhaps you need to start thinking further into the future, and if you are willing to put up with it.

Can you tell us about the previous indiscretions, for context?

These are not rules plastered on our walls, they should be basics for everyone. Don't be stupid and do anything stupid and you won't give your partner a reason to not trust you!

But OP, can't you see that this is why people are confused / frustrated with your responses a bit? Because most people would agree with you in principle but the fact is, your husband has done stupid things in the past, has broken your trust and has (I assume from your previous posts) cheated on you.

And sometimes the trust is broken beyond repair and no amount of rules can fix it. Especially when he has changed behaviour and is gaslighting you.

It's ok to have tried and tried but accept that it hasn't worked. Being in a relationship where you don't trust your partner because of their previous and current behaviour is not compatible with being happy and healthy.

Sometimes relationships just don't work out, as sad and difficult as it is.

I'm confused now - has he cheated or are the examples you gave the previous 'form' you mentioned? My post just now was based on the assumption he's cheated before as that was implied upthread.