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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't trust DH

210 replies

Sydney0101 · 08/12/2021 16:42

Been together a long time, but something in me just does not trust him and I can't shake it off.

I haven't spoken to him about it, but I constantly feel like he is hiding something from me and some of his actions don't help.

He is a loving and caring husband and father but my small gut feels different and I can't help be in a mood or act as if he is guilty of something.

Has anyone experienced this but been wrong, maybe I am just paranoid..

OP posts:
Sorchamarie · 09/12/2021 18:16

Oh yes, definitely try what Skeumorph suggested. Mirror his behaviour exactly. What's good for the goose, and all that. If that doesn't get him talking, nothing will.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 09/12/2021 18:25

I’m just going to say this relationship reads like an absolute disaster from all sides.

girlmom21 · 09/12/2021 18:30

@Sorchamarie

Oh yes, definitely try what Skeumorph suggested. Mirror his behaviour exactly. What's good for the goose, and all that. If that doesn't get him talking, nothing will.
Yeah playing games and making each other paranoid and suspicious is a really good way to fix and already very toxic marriage
girlmom21 · 09/12/2021 18:31

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I'm confused now - has he cheated or are the examples you gave the previous 'form' you mentioned? My post just now was based on the assumption he's cheated before as that was implied upthread.
I think he's just had friends whose behaviour she was uncomfortable with. It's very strange.
Lifewith · 09/12/2021 19:12

Maybe his behaviour is changing because he's pushing against your control?

stripykisses · 09/12/2021 20:50

My - very long term - relationship is like yours OP.

It's a given that we don't socialise with the opposite sex. Obviously chit chat at work is fine, chit chat with acquaintances also fine, but getting someone's number and messaging outside work??, meeting up for coffee / lunch / whatever?? Neither of us would be happy with the other doing that. A long term friend of the opposite sex where nothing had ever happened between them and they were friends before we met?? okay maybe, but we don't have any friends like that.

I'm not stupid, I know he finds other women attractive, I find other men attractive and have had some crushes, but you take the choice not to add to it. If he changed in the way your partner has, then serious red flags would be waving.

I do have one male friend from a previous workplace, we go for coffee sometimes, but he's over double my age, so it's not really an issue.

I once read on here that how come these female friends are never very much older than the partner?? How come these say 40 year old men don't go to lunch with 65 year old female friends?? , and I think that rings true.

People can be cool with what they like, crack on, but I wouldn't be either.

Lifewith · 09/12/2021 21:07

@stripykissses you do know you sound like a hypocrite, after what you wrote but you meet with a male friend and that's ok cos he's double your age?
What a load if toxic shit
Your whole paragraph is justifying the control dynamic in your relationship and it only 'works' until one of you pushes back in that control

christmaskittenincoming · 09/12/2021 21:12

Hey OP

Couple of questions, just trying to get my head round your posts:

  1. Has your DH cheated on you?
  2. The phone calls, does he work from home or is this outside working hours?
stripykisses · 09/12/2021 21:27

@Lifewith Quite frankly I don't give a fuck what you think. I know I'm not 'toxic'. I'm not saying I am right and other people's relationships are wrong. Everyone is different. Personally though, no way would I be happy with my partner having female 'friends', and he wouldn't me having male 'friends'. Throughout history and also in most other cultures it isn't acceptable either. I was just posting that I get what the OP means by the dynamics in her relationship changing.

Lifewith · 09/12/2021 21:33

@stripykisses but you do have a male friend? So you're not even making sense to yourself

Lifewith · 09/12/2021 21:34

And you don't have to care what I think. Doesn't matter to me. I'm responding to your logic that's all

Original poster
Sydney0101 · 09/12/2021 21:37

[quote stripykisses]@Lifewith Quite frankly I don't give a fuck what you think. I know I'm not 'toxic'. I'm not saying I am right and other people's relationships are wrong. Everyone is different. Personally though, no way would I be happy with my partner having female 'friends', and he wouldn't me having male 'friends'. Throughout history and also in most other cultures it isn't acceptable either. I was just posting that I get what the OP means by the dynamics in her relationship changing.[/quote]
Some people really don't merit a response.

Anyone who agrees with me or had the same thing is apparently bat shit crazy. I'm literally over it already.

Apparently one way is right and the other is wrong and toxic.

I still stick to my point, and I honestly couldn't care less what Karen's on here have to say.

Thanks for sharing your story and for actually understanding my point.

OP posts:
Lifewith · 09/12/2021 21:41

Calling other posters Karen.
Nice. If you don't care, don't post.
Go and speak to your partner and sort it out then

weddingdilemmma · 09/12/2021 22:05

I agree it's suspicious he's changed his password and is denying it (Would be less suspicious if he had changed his password on his work phone but wasn't lying about it as my work phone is set so that I must change my password every 30 days).

However, it sounds like you've both got your own phones and he has a work phone, so how does the situation arise (on a regular basis) that you need to use his work phone? If you can't use your own phone for whatever reason, why wouldn't you borrow his personal phone? I can think of a situation where I'd ever be using my DPs work phone for my personal use? It's probably be against company policy anyway.

That aside, I do agree any change in behaviour would raise suspicions. I wouldn't see cheating or chatting to girls in secret as being the only option tho, there are a whole range of things he could be hiding on his search history (porn would be one example but I'd hope he wouldn't be daft enough to do that on a work phone!!)

MollysDolly · 09/12/2021 22:09

@Sydney0101

You are way to defensive on your posts and not seeing the bigger picture. Being dramatic and claiming anyone that doesn't agree with you is calling you batshit crazy is getting a bit tedious.

I think what you need to take hold of, is not just this Spidey sense that you feel now, but the fact that prior incidents of cheating are shadowing your relationship, despite you saying they aren't.

When PP say they wouldn't have a problem with their DH talking to women, it's because they trust their DH. Not because you are "batshit crazy".

The underlying trust issues need to be resolved. Because once someone has cheated, the other party (quite naturally) scrutinises every little thing that could be suspicious. If the other party isn't open and honest, this suspicion eats away at you. And this isn't healthy for a happy relationship. You both need to work on your trust.

Comingup · 09/12/2021 22:30

OP you seem really hostile and aggressive towards other women, calling them Karen's and P#ssys in the phrasing you use. Do you have daughters?? This isn't healthy to be projecting these skewed views about women.
As for your marriage, well you say it works and is fun. That totally isn't the way it comes across in the posts. Maybe read them back?

weddingdilemmma · 09/12/2021 22:45

@Comingup

OP you seem really hostile and aggressive towards other women, calling them Karen's and P#ssys in the phrasing you use. Do you have daughters?? This isn't healthy to be projecting these skewed views about women. As for your marriage, well you say it works and is fun. That totally isn't the way it comes across in the posts. Maybe read them back?

No, it's because we're all after her DH and none of us can be trusted. He's so irresistible that we all throw ourselves at him so she has to keep him under lock & key to protect him from us

Pinkgold1 · 09/12/2021 23:11

You sound really controlling and jealous and this is not healthy. Your paranoia is not normal. My DP and I never check each other’s phones. Why would we? We trust one another.

You need professional psychiatric help.

me4real · 09/12/2021 23:20

@stripykisses but you do have a male friend? So you're not even making sense to yourself

@Lifewith I think the logic is pretty clear and it's what I've heard of in similar relationships. The couple can sometimes make an exception for a friend who is a lot older (or uglier) because they are not seen as posing a risk to the relationship. Also it would be a bit drastic if on entering a relationship/marriage they were not allowed to see preexisting friends of the opposite sex at all (though some might insist they're only seen as a couple I suppose.)

People make their own rules together for their relationship and that's ok. 'No male friends but I'm ok with Rob as he's old enough to be your dad and like a sweet uncle' 'I'm ok with Sally as she's a family friend he's known since he was four' or whatever.

It wouldn't be the way I'd have a relationship but it's not hypocrisy for such couples to have one or two exceptions to their rule- I imagine a lot of them do that, as the couple I knew did.

Lifewith · 09/12/2021 23:24

@me4real exception to the rule, whatever you call it, still controlling behaviour wrapped up in a load of words. Doesn't make sense and it's justifying the behaviour.
If it was OK then the OP wouldn't be on mumsnet right now.

Lifewith · 09/12/2021 23:26

Oh, and ugly people have affairs too. And older people.

Lifewith · 09/12/2021 23:27

(That was in response to you're only allowed to have friends who aren't a risk hecasie of how they look or their age)

weddingdilemmma · 09/12/2021 23:29

@me4real so younger, more attractive women are less deserving of friendship as they are more of a threat to other women?

Men aren't allowed to be friends with them as they can't be trusted not to run off together and can't go for a coffee without shagging in Costa?

I'm a firm believer that if someone is inclined to cheat they will cheat. Keeping them under lock and key may make it more difficult but tbh, if they are living such a miserable life, surely it will only increase their desire to cheat?

weddingdilemmma · 09/12/2021 23:30

@Lifewith

Oh, and ugly people have affairs too. And older people.
My exH cheaters with someone 12 years older than me and without wanting to sound big headed everyone has commented on how much he dropped his standards and doesn't know what he ever saw in her
me4real · 09/12/2021 23:44

@weddingdilemmma I was just replying to the claim that someone is a hypocrite for having some exceptions.

It'd be hypocrisy if they said 'exceptions are taboo' and then had an exception.

It's not hypocrisy to say 'we do X but we allow one or two exceptions in certain circumstances.'

so younger, more attractive women are less deserving of friendship as they are more of a threat to other women?

I bet a lot of people want to be their friend precisely because they're young and attractive. They can have plenty of friends and won't particularly miss being friends with the few married guys who have this rule in their marriage. And if they do, tough. Sometimes people want things from another person and can't have it- no-one's owed someone's company. 'Oh this single woman want's to spend time with Rob but he won't- what a meanie'- erm nah. People have rules they live by- some of the rules might even be based on their spirituality and religion. But whatever someone's boundaries and the reason for them, they're allowed to have them.

I'm a firm believer that if someone is inclined to cheat they will cheat. Keeping them under lock and key may make it more difficult

True, OP's husband might even be a case in point.

but tbh, if they are living such a miserable life, surely it will only increase their desire to cheat?

They're not saying they're allowed no friends at all. They can have plenty. If someone finds an agreed setup miserable they can discuss it again, or leave.

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