Don't trust DH

[Sydney0101]

Been together a long time, but something in me just does not trust him and I can't shake it off.

I haven't spoken to him about it, but I constantly feel like he is hiding something from me and some of his actions don't help.

He is a loving and caring husband and father but my small gut feels different and I can't help be in a mood or act as if he is guilty of something.

Has anyone experienced this but been wrong, maybe I am just paranoid..

@Elsiebear90

I don’t understand a relationship that operates this way tbh, you’re trying to say it’s normal and other people are careless for not understanding or doing the same, but if you need to have such strict rules or boundaries or whatever you wanna call them then there’s clearly no trust, because there’s an assumption that deep down your husband wants to and will cheat on you without these rules, and they’re what’s stopping him.

If you didn’t think that then you wouldn’t need the rules because you would trust that he wouldn’t cheat on you regardless of who he is talking to. Why do you want to be with someone who you feel have to try to prevent from cheating on you?

I’ve been with my fiancée for 6 years and I’ve never had to control who she speaks to or hangs out with because I’ve never had any need or reason to. I don’t assume that unless I moderate who she is in contact with she’s going to cheat on me, and if I thought that she would then the relationship would be over because there’s no point if there’s no trust.

OP this isn’t normal or healthy. If he wants to cheat on you he will, regardless of what rules you have, and from the sounds of it he already is, so this is proof these strict rules/boundaries are useless.

I actually understand what you are saying.

We met when we were kids and at the start we never spoke about it but neither of us ever had anyone else's phone numbers in our phone and we both had mates of opposite sexed etc.

However, that freedom Led to other stuff which really damaged our relationship and I personally don't trust anyone else.

Believe it or not we have never sat down and out these 'rules' in the table, it's just something that throughout time we have both learned from each other.

If my husband talks to another women, I am not straight away thinking he is cheating or is going to cheat. He can talk to them but what is wrong with me being aware of who the fuck he talks to. He is not a single man and personally anyone who behaves like that while In a relationship clearly wants to be single and have freedom to talk to any women/ man.

I know people don't understand and want to judge so quickly but it's really not the picture some of these people are painting.

I am simply concerned at the fact, he suddenly has become so secretive on his phone when before he had 0 issue.

If your girlfriend started acting unusual or changing her passwords or meeting up with men you had no idea about. You would be lying if you said you are ok with that and you wouldn't question her.

This is quite disturbing, and I’ve no idea why the op keeps saying it works for them that he can’t talk to other women when clearly it does not. It reads like jealous, insecure, controlling behaviour.

Op why are you asking if the only answer you wish to hear is you are right?

If these women are ok with their husband socialising and talking to every psy that walks and talks then let that be it. It's not me and never will be.

Well this pleasant (and very Christian!) little aside has certainly convinced me that the OP is a reasonable person.

I became all suspicious because he suddenly changed his passwords and does something in his phone before he lets me see something (no not talking about messages, could be using the internet)

So why don't you just ask him? How are we meant to know? He could have changed the passwords because it's good security practice (my work stipulates regular password changes). Or he could be having an affair. Or anything else.

If you won't ask him because you assume he'll lie then not only is there no trust but there's no communication in your marriage. Which leads us back to the same place that a PP astutely pointed out - ie, as much as you insist that your way of doing things works for your marriage, all the above is evidence that it manifestly doesn't. If he's already cheated then that's even more evidence.

I know a lady from my church who says her husband voluntarily when speaking with women from work puts them on loud speaker present in his home to be transparent to his wife that it's nothing bad. She did not ask him to do that but he did that himself. Let me guess, she's batt shit crazy and controlling. Pft.

This is indeed batshit behaviour. Why would he feel the need to do that? If DP put a female friend on speaker in front of me I would think he'd gone crazy.

@meh12

A lot of these women are probably comfortable because they know who they're husband socialises with but I guarantee would not be so comfortable if he starts meeting up with other women you have no idea about - I think they need to open their eyes and not be so stupid

OP no one is saying you have to accept your husband being best friends with a woman and braiding her hair, but it's the complete inability to allow him to so much as talk to women outside of "necessity" that's the issue, there aren't just two options here. But sure, you can pretend my uncontrolled husband is shagging someone wise if that makes you feel better.

I think my choice is words in my context is probably my fault.

If my husband is transparent and open about who the people in his life are and I feel reassured nothing dodgy is going on, then so be it.

However, he has no business becoming best friends with women his wife has no idea of. That is single man behaviour.

@meh12

You sound really stupid and clearly not understanding the logic of anything.

Yes of course I'm the stupid one with no logic, says the woman who has actually been cheated on and is now trapped in a miserable marriage with a husband she can't trust.

Again you sound stupid.

@gannett

If these women are ok with their husband socialising and talking to every psy that walks and talks then let that be it. It's not me and never will be.

Well this pleasant (and very Christian!) little aside has certainly convinced me that the OP is a reasonable person.

I became all suspicious because he suddenly changed his passwords and does something in his phone before he lets me see something (no not talking about messages, could be using the internet)

So why don't you just ask him? How are we meant to know? He could have changed the passwords because it's good security practice (my work stipulates regular password changes). Or he could be having an affair. Or anything else.

If you won't ask him because you assume he'll lie then not only is there no trust but there's no communication in your marriage. Which leads us back to the same place that a PP astutely pointed out - ie, as much as you insist that your way of doing things works for your marriage, all the above is evidence that it manifestly doesn't. If he's already cheated then that's even more evidence.

I know a lady from my church who says her husband voluntarily when speaking with women from work puts them on loud speaker present in his home to be transparent to his wife that it's nothing bad. She did not ask him to do that but he did that himself. Let me guess, she's batt shit crazy and controlling. Pft.

This is indeed batshit behaviour. Why would he feel the need to do that? If DP put a female friend on speaker in front of me I would think he'd gone crazy.

I have asked why he changed his password and he says he hasn't. What am I supposed to argue back. If that is not playing with my mind then I don't know what is.

I’m not sure why you are even posting this if when people give their opinions and suggestions you are just going to reply “you only know 1% of the situation” & disagree with everything they say. You’ve clearly made up your mind so stop wasting everyone’s time.

Btw calling your fellow women “females”…yikes.

Yeah of course if anyone’s partner started acting differently and not being honest then people would be concerned. I don’t think anyone is saying you don’t have a right to be suspicious, in fact I think most people think he’s up to no good.

People are just saying they find your rules and thoughts around what is acceptable in regards to who you can both speak to and see concerning, and from an outsiders perspective it shows there is no trust there at all which isn’t healthy.

@Sydney0101 no I won't shut up because I was one of the posters trying to help you yesterday but today you're being rude and disrespectful.

Ask him to look through his phone. Tell him you have doubts because he cheated on you before.

If he says no, you have your answer.

If you're in a relationship with such strong boundaries you should be able to communicate. If not it'd just be suffocating.

If these women are ok with their husband socialising and talking to every psy that walks and talks then let that be it. It's not me and never will be

This is horrific, to reduce women like this to nothing more than genitalia.. What is actually wrong with you? It’s sick.

@Bluntness100

This is quite disturbing, and I’ve no idea why the op keeps saying it works for them that he can’t talk to other women when clearly it does not. It reads like jealous, insecure, controlling behaviour.

Op why are you asking if the only answer you wish to hear is you are right?

So what I should be cornered and let me husband do whatever he wants because that's what MN is doing and I am crazy to even be suspicious.

I never said my relationship was perfect and no ones is to be frank. However, mistakes have been made and we are still in a journey.

I have asked why he changed his password and he says he hasn't. What am I supposed to argue back. If that is not playing with my mind then I don't know what is.

Did he know you knew the old password? Was having access to his work phone one of your ground rules? If he was aware you knew the old password then he doesn't have an argument because it doesn't work any more, ergo he has changed it.

If he didn't think you knew the old password, but you did and accessed his work phone anyway, then you are being unreasonable in invading his privacy without his knowledge. Even more so as it's his work phone.

let me husband do whatever he wants

er... letting your partner do what they want is a healthy relationship. It's not even a question of "letting" because other people don't require permission to be autonomous human beings.

I do what I want. DP does what he wants. I guess we "let" each other but that's not even conscious, it's the default to be in a relationship with someone who can do what they want. That's what trust is.

@Bluntness100

If these women are ok with their husband socialising and talking to every psy that walks and talks then let that be it. It's not me and never will be

This is horrific, to reduce women like this to nothing more than genitalia.. What is actually wrong with you? It’s sick.

Very much so.

My guess. He's cheated. OP blames the OW. Now all women are "predators."

Planning to leave you is my guess. Sorry to be blunt.

You say there's been stuff that he's done in the past that's contributed to these feelings. What happened?

I knew a couple who had this rule once. It was because the woman was the second wife and was his 'friend' before he left his first wife to move pretty much directly in with her. So obviously wife #2 knew him having female friends would be a risk, and banned him from it. But he did eventually leave, move in with, and marry another 'friend.'

I thought wife #2 banning him from having female friends was out of line at the time but can see part of why she said that now of course, due to his history. He was also having an EA with me, his 'friend.' I wonder how many of us he was stringing along.

You don't trust your husband @Sydney0101 . That's not a nice way to be feeling. He has been acting suspiciously.

What are your options moving forward?

@gannett

I have asked why he changed his password and he says he hasn't. What am I supposed to argue back. If that is not playing with my mind then I don't know what is.

Did he know you knew the old password? Was having access to his work phone one of your ground rules? If he was aware you knew the old password then he doesn't have an argument because it doesn't work any more, ergo he has changed it.

If he didn't think you knew the old password, but you did and accessed his work phone anyway, then you are being unreasonable in invading his privacy without his knowledge. Even more so as it's his work phone.

He gave me his phone and his password himself without my need to ask. He needed help with something and gave me full access encase he fell a sleep.

Same situation but now his password has changed and before he gives it to me, he sits there doing God knows what and then hands the phone to me.

I then asked him why he's changed the password and he will straight make me feel like I am asking something he is unaware of.

Even if he is innocent, it's very suspicious.

Second scenario, talking to others in my present and then with certain people going to another room and shutting the door, what am I suppose to think.

I pulled him up on it and said it doesn't make me feel comfortable and it comes across like your hiding something why do you need to hide in a room to talk but with others your free to talk loud. Doesn't make sense.

There was a situation with a girl at work, and I don't trust her and had my reasons not to. Should he continue talking with her because it makes her happy or make his wife unhappy to please others. Moving on, she was well aware of the situation and instead found any reason to send him messages and then he would delete them. I found one message where she had sent something and put her hand in display and he then told me it's her. Like should I then be comfortable when there are women out there that literally give 0 shit about someone's relationship and will continue with whatever is in their interest.

There are some people who are honestly ok and he is friends with and I don't know them personally but know of them from him and I have no issue. However, things that keep me in the unknown is not ok.

So what I should be cornered and let me husband do whatever he wants because that's what MN is doing and I am crazy to even be suspicious

Um what?

Well clearly you don’t trust your husband and think every woman is after him and given the chance he will cheat on you.

Doesn’t sound like your relationship works to me.

@Bluntness100

Well clearly you don’t trust your husband and think every woman is after him and given the chance he will cheat on you.

Doesn’t sound like your relationship works to me.

No I don't think every women is after him.

Not every women is honest in their intentions and some have shown that.

OP, I believe you. His behavior is at the very least fishy.

Question is what do you want to do about it? He does not want to talk, so that's not an option. You are not happy and you no longer trust him. Do you want to stay with him?

Second scenario, talking to others in my present and then with certain people going to another room and shutting the door, what am I suppose to think.

I hate talking on the phone with other people in earshot. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Especially when it's work related. I'm not shagging anyone at work but I'd leave the room too.

OP I think you don’t seem to trust other women with your husband, but the real problem is you don’t trust your husband, as he’s shown numerous times he’s untrustworthy. He’s now gaslighting you about his password and lying to you about talking to and meeting women.

No amount of rules or boundaries can fix this problem, your husband is an untrustworthy cheater and he always will be regardless of whether you have access to his phone and control who he speaks to. I think you’ve been happy with these rules because they reassure you that he’s not cheating and you’ve convinced yourself that it’s normal and that most men will cheat given the opportunity (meaning other women are foolish to trust them), but it’s not true. He’s completely warped your perception of what a normal and healthy relationship is.

Hi OP.
Every relationship has its own rules. Whilst the rules within your relationship are not rules that I could live with, they are the rules established within your marriage and should be respected by both of you. What the rules actually are is irrelevant in this case. What is important is that his behaviour is causing you distress.
Your DH has changed his behaviour and this is causing you concern. Surely he should be happy to sit with you and explain why he has made these changes and try and reassure you. Or even that he wants to make a change to your agreed accepted behaviours and why.
My DH and I consider each other in everything we do but occasionally we get it wrong and do or arrange something the other is not particularly happy with. If it is important to us we will raise it with each other. We will listen and either change it to meet the concerns raised or explain why we won't change it. What we will not do is dismiss concerns raised out of hand and refuse to deal with the issue. If my DH behaved the way your DH is behaving I would be worried too. The way he is showing complete disregard for your feelings and anxiety is much worse than the actions themselves.
Could you sit him down and tell him you don't want to see his phone but ask him why his behaviour has changed? Explain that it is his change of behaviour that is causing the problem not the phone itself? Hopefully that could open the conversation that you really need to have.

Sounds a bit dodgy if you know he met up with a woman he works with and is now being sneaky with his phone.
People making out like you're controlling but I agree, unless it's a female they have been good friends with a long time & you know about, I would not be happy with my partner having lunch with a female he works with - AT ALL.

I think you should trust your gut, and enquire with him.