Don't trust DH

[Sydney0101]

Been together a long time, but something in me just does not trust him and I can't shake it off.

I haven't spoken to him about it, but I constantly feel like he is hiding something from me and some of his actions don't help.

He is a loving and caring husband and father but my small gut feels different and I can't help be in a mood or act as if he is guilty of something.

Has anyone experienced this but been wrong, maybe I am just paranoid..

However, even if there wasn't I don't see why feel the need to make yourself a target if your truly innocent or having nothing to hide.

Well, quite. So it sounds like he is doing things you wouldn't be happy with. It sounds as if you already know he's secretly having meals with women - which wouldn't be an issue for me or many others but is something you say he wouldn't be happy with the other way round so is hugely hypocritical of him and looks suspicious. And thats best case scenario. Time for a big talk I think.

Sorry but if you were a woman saying your husband is moody with you because he suspects you’re being unfaithful with no evidence and that you’re not allowed to speak to other men we would all be screaming that you were being emotionally abused by your husband.

Ok so you have two choices.
Just let it go accept he is your husband and wants to remain that way with a bit more privacy in the past.

Or thrash it out.

As you say he is your husband, you are both controlling about each other's contact outside what you know.

So just put that to him on a plate.

Sit him down say, I am super paranoid you are hiding something from me due to these changed behaviours we have always said that neither of us are happy with the other meeting up with members of the opposite sex bit you have had lunches out with co-workers and the secrecy on your phone is driving me nuts with paranoia.

If he is your devoted loving husband he should be able and want to reassure you then and there that you are the only woman for him.

What other choices do you have?

I know he has met up for catch ups with female co workers ( he thinks I don't know) but I know he would have an issue if I did same thing

How did you find this out?
What sort of catch up? Coffee? Or lunch or a meal? Drinks?

The whole situation sounds seriously unhealthy but I think PPs have made that clear enough.

Putting that to one side, one thing that jumped out to me was the fact you say he would have even more of an issue with you talking to members of the opposite sex than you do if he
did it.

That sounds like a guilty conscious to me. So he's cheated in the past and is now overly controlling as he's waiting on you "settling the score". So you have these ridiculous rules that you've convinced yourself are normal. You're happy to go along with the rules as you going along with them is a small price to pay for you to have (limited) control over who he is "alllowed" to interact with. However, it's not full proof is it, if you're now suspecting him again

OP is entitled to whatever boundaries she likes in her marriage. It’s up to her husband to accept them or not and it’s nothing to do with anyone outside.

Regardless of whether your boundaries are ‘reasonable’ or not, OP. It’s your husband’s responsibility to communicate to you whether a) he finds these boundaries acceptable for him and b) to communicate with you over your anxieties, and that does not include shutting you down or getting angry at you. He’s an adult and he has the ability to communicate like one. If he’s finding you overbearing, he can tell you.

Bearing all the above in mind, I don’t know if his behaviour with his phone is suspicious, but his attitude is definitely problematic, no matter what’s fuelling it.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

However, even if there wasn't I don't see why feel the need to make yourself a target if your truly innocent or having nothing to hide.

Well, quite. So it sounds like he is doing things you wouldn't be happy with. It sounds as if you already know he's secretly having meals with women - which wouldn't be an issue for me or many others but is something you say he wouldn't be happy with the other way round so is hugely hypocritical of him and looks suspicious. And thats best case scenario. Time for a big talk I think.

I appreciate there are couple who genuinely have no issue with things like that. However, there are also couple like us who just happen to have different opinions about stuff like that.

It's a agree to disagree discussion.

However, we are both adults and I am not stupid and know he works with women and they talk or even banter at work and that's fine. However, I will never be comfortable if he decided he wanted to go and have a drink out with them one on one out of work etc.

He has constant meetings/ chats while I'm present and that's not an issue and
sometimes I am not even be in the room.

However, if you have nothing to hide why ALL the sudden your passwords change and something that wasn't a big deal now all the sudden is.

Sometimes we 'joke' and it's ah I'm a man and I am allowed and I don't know how serious he is inside of if he's truly just chatting BS.

I don't fault him on anything else but this phone situation at the moment and it's making me question and doubt my trust in him.

I know he has met up for catch ups with female co workers ( he thinks I don't know) but I know he would have an issue if I did same thing

Why haven't you asked him about this if it's against your agreed rules.

Personally I wouldn't have an issue with my DP socialising or catching up with female colleagues but if he was doing it behind my back and deliberately hiding it, it would be a massive red flag. I wouldn't juts be sitting quietly wondering why he was being so secretive, I'd be having it out with him ASAP. What are you scared of?

Sometimes we 'joke' and it's ah I'm a man and I am allowed and I don't know how serious he is inside of if he's truly just chatting BS.

What's the joke here? He just sounds like a chauvinist barely concealing his sexism under the guise of 'banter' and 'god it was a joke, lighten up' etc. He doesn't sound particularly nice OP. And he's a hypocrite, too.

Are you sure this relationship is one you genuinely think is worth the headspace and heart space it will require for the rest of your life? Is it healthy and happy?

@Wnikat

Sorry but if you were a woman saying your husband is moody with you because he suspects you’re being unfaithful with no evidence and that you’re not allowed to speak to other men we would all be screaming that you were being emotionally abused by your husband.

Fair enough, I am only sharing less than 1% of my relationship.

I wouldn't say I am emotionally abusing my husband because we have consensus on most things and believe in the same things.

However, suddenly changing will make anyone question crazy or not crazy

I think people are giving you a hard time. Of course you're going to be anxious. His behaviour has changed and he's hiding his password all of a sudden. You'd have to be crazy not to worry about that.

Why didn't you speak to him about meeting up with others?

@frozendaisy

Ok so you have two choices. Just let it go accept he is your husband and wants to remain that way with a bit more privacy in the past.

Or thrash it out.

As you say he is your husband, you are both controlling about each other's contact outside what you know.

So just put that to him on a plate.

Sit him down say, I am super paranoid you are hiding something from me due to these changed behaviours we have always said that neither of us are happy with the other meeting up with members of the opposite sex bit you have had lunches out with co-workers and the secrecy on your phone is driving me nuts with paranoia.

If he is your devoted loving husband he should be able and want to reassure you then and there that you are the only woman for him.

What other choices do you have?

I have tried to talk and be understanding but it's how defensive he now gets and then turns it into N argument so that I don't ask anymore.

Believe me when I say, he had no issue before why all the sudden is it an issue.

I know it's wrong to feel this way and I don't want to be in this position.

I have purposely asked to use his phone once just purely to see what he says to me, and it's either an argument or he sits on it for a good few seconds before he hands it over.

He wasn't like that before, so I guess it's that change that might make me sound crazy

OP you are very insecure and as a result your partner has learned to limit your knowledge of who he meets socially. Its clear this issue is stemmimg from you and he has made it work by limiting how much you know. Its perfectly normal for men to meet and enjoy the company of females outside of their relationship.I suggest therapy to understand how you ended up here.

'I have purposely asked to use his phone once just purely to see what he says to me, and it's either an argument or he sits on it for a good few seconds before he hands it over'

This is crazy stuff in a relationship. You are causing the argument, stop being insecure = no arguments.

@HollowTalk

I think people are giving you a hard time. Of course you're going to be anxious. His behaviour has changed and he's hiding his password all of a sudden. You'd have to be crazy not to worry about that.

Why didn't you speak to him about meeting up with others?

I have mentioned it before, but he either denies or doesn't give me fully story.

He gets very defensive very quick and it makes me question myself if I'm being over the top

@Janeandjohnny

'I have purposely asked to use his phone once just purely to see what he says to me, and it's either an argument or he sits on it for a good few seconds before he hands it over'

This is crazy stuff in a relationship. You are causing the argument, stop being insecure = no arguments.

With that logic, he may as well cheat and I shouldn't be so paranoid.

@Janeandjohnny

OP you are very insecure and as a result your partner has learned to limit your knowledge of who he meets socially. Its clear this issue is stemmimg from you and he has made it work by limiting how much you know. Its perfectly normal for men to meet and enjoy the company of females outside of their relationship.I suggest therapy to understand how you ended up here.

It's very simple.

Don't be sneaky and there wouldn't be a need/ reason to act insecure.

Given the way you are I am not surprised he is neaky and hiding things. Even innocent conversations you would interpret as a sign of affair. I don't know how can you leave like that if you have the need to always check and control his interactions. Didn't he chose you because you are better than everyone else for him?

@Sydney0101, ignore the comments about you being paranoid and insecure. This is MN, somewhere were women have no issue with their spouses/partners wining and dining other women.
I stupidly listened to them until I found that the female friend was an EA..

There are red flags about your DH's behaviour.

Your gut instinct is there for a reason.

But have you stopped to think that he is being sneaky because you're being unreasonable?

The whole situation sounds toxic tbh and I don't buy into the whole "it works for some couples" thing - end of the day you should trust your partner to make friends and speak to whoever they want - that's on both sides.

His behaviour does sound a bit dodgy from what you've said but then again if I were in his position and I wanted to have a normal chat with a friend of the opposite sex , but my partner would go OTT about it you could easily find yourself being sneaky.

What you're not allowing him to do is such a normal thing!

If you don't trust him there's no point of being with him.

You sound manipulative and abusive. It sounds like you dictate who he can meet and you want to check his personal phone to ,catch him'. This is really unhealthy and I suspect that he changed his passwords to stop it. I don't think your relationship will last.

@gannett

I am not one bit ok with him talking with other females or having lunch etc and he is the same. However, I think he had changed it so that he can talk to whoever he wants on his WhatsApp without me having access or knowing. I know he has met up for catch ups with female co workers ( he thinks I don't know) but I know he would have an issue if I did same thing.

Red flags waving loud and clear... about YOU, OP.

What a horrendous, controlling attitude.

They both sound controlling.

But he's doing what he wouldn't accept op doing.

@Iwonder08

Given the way you are I am not surprised he is neaky and hiding things. Even innocent conversations you would interpret as a sign of affair. I don't know how can you leave like that if you have the need to always check and control his interactions. Didn't he chose you because you are better than everyone else for him?

It's easy to make a judgement like that when you don't know the basics of my relationship deep enough.

What's the say there isn't a reason for me to feel this way but it's easier to say I am being crazy. Most women/ men who usually feel these kind of insecurities tend to be tight and are probably being cheated on.

So with that said, maybe I deserve better.

[quote GotBeatenUp]@Sydney0101, ignore the comments about you being paranoid and insecure. This is MN, somewhere were women have no issue with their spouses/partners wining and dining other women.
I stupidly listened to them until I found that the female friend was an EA..

There are red flags about your DH's behaviour.

Your gut instinct is there for a reason.[/quote]
Couldn't be anymore accurate.

Some of these women who are sat behind their phones bashing me will try to convince me I'm the one who's wrong and crazy and paranoid 0.5% of info I provide.

However, I will put any amount of money that those same women would be be just as 'paranoid' and 'insecure' and 'crazy' if they suspected their OH was being sneaky behind their back.

@Sydney0101 but the way you approach it is crazy. You really want to catch him and check him and never trust him meeting female. What is the point of such relationship? It is doomed to failure if he has an affair or not.