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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't trust DH

210 replies

Sydney0101 · 08/12/2021 16:42

Been together a long time, but something in me just does not trust him and I can't shake it off.

I haven't spoken to him about it, but I constantly feel like he is hiding something from me and some of his actions don't help.

He is a loving and caring husband and father but my small gut feels different and I can't help be in a mood or act as if he is guilty of something.

Has anyone experienced this but been wrong, maybe I am just paranoid..

OP posts:
Flowers500 · 08/12/2021 19:01

@itlod

You clearly think he's an ongoing cheater so deal with that reality. You don't need an excuse to end a marriage.

She's never going to end the marriage anyway. Even if he's caught cheating again, the consequence will be more and/or stricter rules and more control (on both sides, even though OP has done nothing wrong).
This is obviously how it's been dealt with in the past. The cheating will continue and as a result there will be less & less trust, meaning more & more control and misery

Yes I agree with this unfortunately.

If you get to the point of knowing your partner is just inherently untrustworthy, then either you stay for the finances knowing full well they're fucking around and you're a mug, or you leave. You don't go down the 'Guantanamo Bay' route, you'll make yourself miserable and the sneaky fucker will dig himself out with a spoon for any passing female.

Janeandjohnny · 08/12/2021 19:04

@Sydney0101
'With that logic, he may as well cheat and I shouldn't be so paranoid'
No not really, checking and questioning your husband (and him too to some extent) is not a healthy relationship. Trust in relationships is essential, either you do or you dont have trust, if you dont then leave as its no way to live. Maybe he is having an affair but you will never find out probably. So if life is that diffult you are better off out of this but dont underestimate how your behaviour, defensiveness, checking etc may be driving this. Same goes for him btw as Im not saying its you alone thats the issue.

Janeandjohnny · 08/12/2021 19:08

@Didimum

Way to victim blame OP, everyone. She’s been cheated on and has established boundaries in her marriage in order to reconcile. Her husband can speak the hell up if he disagrees, but no, he’s gaslighting her instead.
But they are not boundaries, they are just arbitary, anxiousness led, paranoid checking where shes waiting for him to slip up. Imagine being in a relationship like that. He is not gaslighting her - he is trying to make sense of the constant questioning. She should leave, she will never be happy if this is how it is.
Didimum · 08/12/2021 19:09

@itlod It’s not unhealthy if these boundaries are a part of their reconciliation and agreed upon by both of them. Reconciliation can, and often does, take many many years. After which the boundaries may change.

Original poster
Sydney0101 · 08/12/2021 19:11

I don't think my marriage is like a prison at all. I am sure everyone's relationship/ marriage has a boundary called 'don't cheat on me'.

I personally have 0% interest in meeting up with any man that is not my husband or family member to socialist alone with. If you are all happy with your partners doing that, then that is fine and if that works for you, good on you.

Unfortunately my DH is portraying some red flags that anyone regardless if your partner can talk to female/ males would feel 'paranoid' and 'anxious' over.

I hate that I have to feel like I don't trust him, but he is directly and indirectly giving me reasons to feel the way I do! If me being 'bat shit' crazy because my husband has all the sudden changed his behaviour than I will be 'bat shit' crazy all day long.

Thank you to the very few of you who actually understand where I am coming from and what I am trying to express.

& for the those of you who have simply come on my post to insult me without even trying to logic what I am saying, then carry on being the positive vibes you are.

I love my husband, and as shocking as it may sound 9/10 we do understand each other and have a very fun and good marriage. However, recent activity had led me to believe a bit different and I can only hope I am wrong.

Unfortunately there are plenty of people who do get cheated on, and reach out for support or advise and it's so shit that some of you can't simply come on be & be nice but instead sit there and convince them that they are paranoid and simply enable opposite parties to cheat by some of your comments. It's disgusting!

No one knows my marriage in full affect and I only shared a very small piece to explain why I felt the way I do.

With that being said, thank you everyone 🙂

OP posts:
itlod · 08/12/2021 19:13

There are no circumstances where it is healthy for both parties to be unable to interact or socialise with 50% of the population

If her H has cheated, why does she need to follow these rules? Because he's guilty & paranoid?

Some couples survive infidelity but only if they can work through it, not by imprisoning and controlling each other

Blue4YOU · 08/12/2021 19:14

OP with the greatest respect - this isn’t a rule that’s working.
It’s a rule you want to work.
But it definitely is not working.
There’s no point in expecting anyone here to be able to help you figure out what to do/what’s going on because you keep saying you are sharing 1% of your marriage.
So, presumably you have an earth shatteringly unusual marriage or he cheated or you got together by cheating on previous partners.
Either way (or any other way) if he won’t tell you he’s having an affair (because maybe he isn’t) and you won’t even tell him you know he’s met women (against the rules) then what’s the point of marriage for the sake of it?

Didimum · 08/12/2021 19:14

@Janeandjohnny I’m not sure you understand reconciliation after infidelity. Boundaries like this are often put in place in order for the betrayed to feel safe in a relationship again, and boundaries agreed on by both partners are encouraged by therapists dealing with reconciliation all the time. They don’t last forever. They last until reconciliation is complete. And too right you’re going to be an anxious mess until that period of time is over. He’s an adult who can speak up and address her like an adult if he’s no longer down with these boundaries, rather than get defensive and angry over it.

itlod · 08/12/2021 19:19

Unfortunately there are plenty of people who do get cheated on, and reach out for support or advise and it's so shit that some of you can't simply come on be & be nice but instead sit there and convince them that they are paranoid and simply enable opposite parties to cheat by some of your comments

I think most of us think is change in behaviour is suspicious and we don't think you're crazy for being suspicious of the change in behaviour

The point we're trying to make is that the relationship does not sound like a health relationship base on trust and honest communication.

That being said, the scenario you've outlined is suspicious and he's clearly hiding something

You've already caught him out meeting female colleagues behind you're back but aren't willing to do anything about it. That coupled with the fact he's cheated in the past would be enough to for me to leave regardless of whether he's up to no good on his phone or not. What will it take for you to leave?

Didimum · 08/12/2021 19:21

@itlod The whole point of boundaries like these are to support the marriage and the betrayed partner while they are healing. AND while the offending spouse is working on themselves to get to the root of their unfaithful behaviours. It is an act of putting your partners needs above your own in order to allow them to heal and repair trust. As I said, they they not intended to last forever. We have no idea when the infidelity took place and we have idea at what stage of the reconciliation they are at.

meh12 · 08/12/2021 19:22

Unfortunately there are plenty of people who do get cheated on, and reach out for support or advise and it's so shit that some of you can't simply come on be & be nice but instead sit there and convince them that they are paranoid and simply enable opposite parties to cheat by some of your comments. It's disgusting!

No what is disgusting is grown adults not allowing each other to talk to the opposite sex; red flags, change of behaviour etc I get, but having kids mixed up in a situation where you're both so distrusting and paranoid that you can't have normal human interactions based on the genitalia of the other person is incredibly unnatural and worrisome- especially the way you're trying to defend it, like it's just one of those things some couples do, no, it's something abusive couples do, not healthy, stable ones.

itlod · 08/12/2021 19:24

@Sydney0101

You've said you know he's met female colleagues for catch ups and hidden this from you.

You've said he doesn't know that you know.

However, you've also said you confronted about it and he denied it?

This suggests that he does know that you know?

What did you do when he denied it? If you have proof why have you just accepted his denial? I'd be pursuing this further and if he's broken the agreed rules after previously cheating, it would be over regardless of what is on his work phone

Elsiebear90 · 08/12/2021 19:27

What’s the backstory with this? There’s clearly no trust at all in the relationship, was there ever any trust or did something happen to lead you both to this insane controlling behaviour?

Anordinarymum · 08/12/2021 19:32

@itlod

There are no circumstances where it is healthy for both parties to be unable to interact or socialise with 50% of the population

If her H has cheated, why does she need to follow these rules? Because he's guilty & paranoid?

Some couples survive infidelity but only if they can work through it, not by imprisoning and controlling each other

So where do you go from here OP. You say what the boundaries are very loudly but it seems he does not respect them at all so what is the answer?
itlod · 08/12/2021 19:33

[quote Didimum]@itlod The whole point of boundaries like these are to support the marriage and the betrayed partner while they are healing. AND while the offending spouse is working on themselves to get to the root of their unfaithful behaviours. It is an act of putting your partners needs above your own in order to allow them to heal and repair trust. As I said, they they not intended to last forever. We have no idea when the infidelity took place and we have idea at what stage of the reconciliation they are at.[/quote]
OP has said they've been together a very long time, she was like this before they got married and he was happy to her marry given the boundaries. That's why I didn't read it as a temporary arrangement to rebuild trust. The posts read as if she doesn't trust him and never will so I'm just wondering why you'd bother

She's said he's worse than her in terms of having an issue with her interacting with the opposite sex. So if he's the one who has cheated in the past and is adhering to these boundaries to prove he can be trusted, why is she being subjected to the same level of control and scrutiny.

It's no way to live

Anordinarymum · 08/12/2021 19:33

I do not know how the above happened. I copied OPs post

Salayes · 08/12/2021 19:34

At the end of the day this is how you’ve both agreed to be with each other - pretty stringent boundaries for most, but it’s what you agreed and he is breaking them. So aside from whether people think that’s right or wrong, what do you want to do about it OP? How do you want to approach things with your husband?

Contactmap · 08/12/2021 19:38

@BigFatLiar

I only know because he gave it to me a while back because I was doing some work for him and he gave me the password himself.

Odd, does he have a personal phone.
We used to have works phones (DH & I) and our own phones. Our own phones weren't smart enough for passwords. It would have been a sackable offence to share our passwords for phone or computer (even with partner) they were solely for work.

Same at my work. It's part of our yearly data protection training. We are not allowed to give anyone access to our work phone for any reason.
girlmom21 · 08/12/2021 19:41

Was it him who cheated in the past?

If so, I think you can ask him why his behaviour has changed and tell him that it's making you wary.

Janeandjohnny · 08/12/2021 19:42

[quote Didimum]@Janeandjohnny I’m not sure you understand reconciliation after infidelity. Boundaries like this are often put in place in order for the betrayed to feel safe in a relationship again, and boundaries agreed on by both partners are encouraged by therapists dealing with reconciliation all the time. They don’t last forever. They last until reconciliation is complete. And too right you’re going to be an anxious mess until that period of time is over. He’s an adult who can speak up and address her like an adult if he’s no longer down with these boundaries, rather than get defensive and angry over it.[/quote]
@Didimum
Yes I do understand. But clearly these boundaries are not explicity explained, agreed or adhered to by both parties. One cant trust, the other runs and hides in case she asks more questions. If she cant trust she should leave and start a new life. They are both conspiring against each other. I can see WHY she would be like she is but it gets her nowhere.

Ludo19 · 08/12/2021 19:43

Yes OP I'm afraid he is probably well aware what he's doing and exactly how it makes you feel. You know each other and for a long time by the sounds of it. He's very conscious that this behaviour change will make you suspicious but then he makes out its all in your head.
Take care OP xx

TidyDancer · 08/12/2021 19:46

OP, do you work in the same place as your DH? This sounds like an eerily familiar situation to one a friend of mine is in.

My friend is in a controlling relationship which doesn't encourage trust or independence and his wife is constantly paranoid about what he's up to. He hasn't cheated on her but she hates him speaking to other women, no matter the reason. It's pure jealousy and it's destroying their marriage.

katieg03 · 08/12/2021 19:47

I'm sure you'll be interested when he loses him job for a gdpr breach. But hey, stuff everyone else. You should NOT have access to his work phone. People who cheat don't deserve second chances imo. If you don't ask him you aren't ever going to find out are you? I do understand your concern which is exactly why I said if his behaviour has changed its a red flag. Don't just read the parts you want to disagree with. Give a cheater a chance, there is a risk they'll do it again. Don't get all defensive and me and say I'm indicating you just shut up and put up. You are clearly angry. But unless you have it out with your husband you won't get any answers. You obviously caught him once.

mswales · 08/12/2021 19:53

Neither of you trust each other if you're not happy with each other talking to the opposite sex, so I'm not sure what you're asking for in terms of advice. You were clearly already at a place where you were constantly worrying and thinking about what your DH might be doing, before his behaviour changed, so there isn\t likely to be anything that can solve your new extra paranoia. Being able to "fix" your paranoia would meaning fixing your wider and deeper trust issue but it doesn't sound like you want to do that.

SparklingLime · 08/12/2021 19:55

I am sure everyone's relationship/ marriage has a boundary called 'don't cheat on me'.

But yours doesn’t, OP. He cheated and you are still there. Why shouldn’t he cheat again? It doesn’t sound like he cares too much about your feelings.