Don't trust DH

[Sydney0101]

Been together a long time, but something in me just does not trust him and I can't shake it off.

I haven't spoken to him about it, but I constantly feel like he is hiding something from me and some of his actions don't help.

He is a loving and caring husband and father but my small gut feels different and I can't help be in a mood or act as if he is guilty of something.

Has anyone experienced this but been wrong, maybe I am just paranoid..

I don't want him talking to other females if it's not about work or necessary things

This is unacceptably controlling.

I’m strong believer of following your gut instinct. Sometimes it’s wrong but not often in my experience

@Sydney0101
'That is my whole point, it's changing from your ordinary self out of the blue'

But it is not out of the blue, its after a long period of listening to his wife grow ever more suspicious and insistent on checking work phones etc.
All your language is around, guilty, sneaky, suspicious.

How do you think this should be best resolved? Weekly check ins to tell you who he has met and why? Full daily phone checks? Come home straight from work? Your poor kids having to see this- neither of you stepping up and being a healthy adult, what a poor role model you are both providing.

[quote Janeandjohnny]@Sydney0101
'That is my whole point, it's changing from your ordinary self out of the blue'

But it is not out of the blue, its after a long period of listening to his wife grow ever more suspicious and insistent on checking work phones etc.
All your language is around, guilty, sneaky, suspicious.

How do you think this should be best resolved? Weekly check ins to tell you who he has met and why? Full daily phone checks? Come home straight from work? Your poor kids having to see this- neither of you stepping up and being a healthy adult, what a poor role model you are both providing.[/quote]
Again you clearly know nothing and yes it is out of the blue as this wasn't the case before.

I actually can't even be bothered to respond anymore because it's clearly being read very wrong and NOTHING of what it's actually like.

So I'll let everyone make their own judgements of a situation they clearly know nothing of apart from a few things that I said that's hit a nerve.

Keyboard warriors at their best to insult with no logic.

Have a great day.

@Sydney0101, one or two posters have seen your point of view.
Ignore the smug self-satisfied keyboard warriors

When people start threads on here they are often fragile and in a state of despair. I was when I started a thread (different username) trying to make sense of what had happened. Most of the replies were intent on kicking me with hob-nailed boots when I was at my lowest. I despair at anyone thinking it was acceptable of them

Trust your gut instinct, look after your own interests (ducks in a row, MH etc) and good luck.

It sounds to me as if OP’s DH doesn’t really give a toss whether OP is hurting, anxious or paranoid or her reasons. He just wants to crack on with it despite how she feels or even discussing how she feels. Even if his partner’s behaviour is wrongfully controlling, he can use his big boy voice and tell her. If he shuts down any of OP’s attempts then his communication is piss poor.

If my DH was this distressed by my behaviour, whether rightly or wrongly, I’d be pulling out all the stops to work on a solution together. And I’d sure be looking at whatever I had done to cause it, as well as expecting him to look at his own demons.

I’d suggest marriage counselling when communication has broken down to this extent, OP. I hope for both your sakes he’s open to it. If not, then I’m not sure what else there is to be done.

[quote GotBeatenUp]@Sydney0101, one or two posters have seen your point of view.
Ignore the smug self-satisfied keyboard warriors

When people start threads on here they are often fragile and in a state of despair. I was when I started a thread (different username) trying to make sense of what had happened. Most of the replies were intent on kicking me with hob-nailed boots when I was at my lowest. I despair at anyone thinking it was acceptable of them

Trust your gut instinct, look after your own interests (ducks in a row, MH etc) and good luck.[/quote]
You hit the nail on the head.

I feel like it's an opportunity for people to bash others when no one knows their really identity but wouldn't dare do that if it wasn't so anonymous.

If someone is reaching out because they need help or simply want to rant or get their feelings out because they can't talk to people around them, I could never imagine talking half the pile of shit some of these people have said.

All I was trying to point out was that I am having waves where I feel I don't trust my husband because his behaviour has suddenly changed and it's left me in the unknown of what is going on. These people don't know me or my life or my marriage or my husband and went on to create stories and scenarios that are 100% wrong.

I am sorry you didn't get to have support you needed when you created your post.

OP, ignore the posters telling you you are controlling, abusive, paranoid, bat shit etc etc etc.
These are the cool wives who are soooooo confident in their perfect, living life seperately relationships that even if their DP arrived home with lipstick all over his face and a ripped shirt they would be fine with it because they truuust him. Yada yada.

You are not paranoid or needy or controlling or whatever. you have noticed a change in his behaviour with his phone and its ringing alarm bells. Add in he has lunched with other women, when he'd hit the roof if you did the same and its completely normal that you feel anxious about something might be going on.

You'll get posters telling you you may as well just leave him now because you don't trust him. As though its that cut and dried. Trust is something that is there is a relationship until one person does something that makes the other think 'hold on a minute'.

It may be all innocent. But any partner who is doing something that they know the other is anxious over, but doing it anyway (not giving you access to his phone) is of course going to raise questions.

I hope there is nothing going on. But the fact he won't let you see the phone, and when he did he spent time changing things on IS a red flag.

Next time he's on it, are you able to try and see what password he puts in? I think it is time to check his phone. And no I'm also not beyond invading someones privacy if they are giving me a reason to need to invade it.

OP, ignore the posters telling you you are controlling, abusive, paranoid, bat shit etc etc etc.* These are the cool wives who are soooooo confident in their perfect, living life seperately relationships that even if their DP arrived home with lipstick all over his face and a ripped shirt they would be fine with it because they truuust him. Yada yada.*

Stop being a dick, there is a middle ground between allowing your husband to shag someone else and not allowing your husband to TALK to a female. I'm not trying to be a "cool wife" but it's fucking bat shit to disallow "unnecessary conversations" with someone who has a vagina.

Is anyone here SERIOUSLY condoning a relationship that doesn't allow any kind of "unnecessary" socialisation with someone of the opposite sex, so what you're in work discussing a project with a male colleague but he starts asking what you're up to on the weekend, uh oh better back up here, that's not necessary, you clearly want to shag me let's stop here.

Bat shit.

If these women are ok with their husband socialising and talking to every pussy that walks and talks then let that be it. It's not me and never will be.

Honestly some people here are DEFENDING this?!

Don't mind me though, I'm just a walking, talking pussy desperate to shag her husband.

If these women are ok with their husband socialising and talking to every pussy that walks and talks then let that be it. It's not me and never will be.

That's a disgusting thing to say. People here were trying to help but you clearly have no respect for women.

@girlmom21

If these women are ok with their husband socialising and talking to every pussy that walks and talks then let that be it. It's not me and never will be.

That's a disgusting thing to say. People here were trying to help but you clearly have no respect for women.

No I have 0 respect for any women that had come here to simply bash and insult me for being anxious over my husband doing things behind my back!

For everyone else that is come here to genuinely help and be supportive, those ones have my full respect.

@meh12

OP, ignore the posters telling you you are controlling, abusive, paranoid, bat shit etc etc etc.* These are the cool wives who are soooooo confident in their perfect, living life seperately relationships that even if their DP arrived home with lipstick all over his face and a ripped shirt they would be fine with it because they truuust him. Yada yada.*

Stop being a dick, there is a middle ground between allowing your husband to shag someone else and not allowing your husband to TALK to a female. I'm not trying to be a "cool wife" but it's fucking bat shit to disallow "unnecessary conversations" with someone who has a vagina.

Is anyone here SERIOUSLY condoning a relationship that doesn't allow any kind of "unnecessary" socialisation with someone of the opposite sex, so what you're in work discussing a project with a male colleague but he starts asking what you're up to on the weekend, uh oh better back up here, that's not necessary, you clearly want to shag me let's stop here.

Bat shit.

You sound really stupid and clearly not understanding the logic of anything.

No he can fucking talk about projects and what they are doing on the weekend.

You've literally got it completely wrong and just doesn't merit further discussion

You’ve asked for advice on whether your husband could be cheating on you and in the process have described a very unusual relationship setup, whereby neither of you are allowed to talk to anyone of the opposite sex other than for work purposes without providing any background to this at all. People are questioning why you have these rules and instead of explaining why you’ve just called them “boundaries” and said you’re both happy with them (he clearly isn’t any more since you know he’s breaking them).

We all have boundaries, but these are extreme and for most people go above and beyond what is normal and reasonable. If you provided some context and background then maybe people wouldn’t make their own assumptions..

@Bookworm20

OP, ignore the posters telling you you are controlling, abusive, paranoid, bat shit etc etc etc. These are the cool wives who are soooooo confident in their perfect, living life seperately relationships that even if their DP arrived home with lipstick all over his face and a ripped shirt they would be fine with it because they truuust him. Yada yada.

You are not paranoid or needy or controlling or whatever. you have noticed a change in his behaviour with his phone and its ringing alarm bells. Add in he has lunched with other women, when he'd hit the roof if you did the same and its completely normal that you feel anxious about something might be going on.

You'll get posters telling you you may as well just leave him now because you don't trust him. As though its that cut and dried. Trust is something that is there is a relationship until one person does something that makes the other think 'hold on a minute'.

It may be all innocent. But any partner who is doing something that they know the other is anxious over, but doing it anyway (not giving you access to his phone) is of course going to raise questions.

I hope there is nothing going on. But the fact he won't let you see the phone, and when he did he spent time changing things on IS a red flag.

Next time he's on it, are you able to try and see what password he puts in? I think it is time to check his phone. And no I'm also not beyond invading someones privacy if they are giving me a reason to need to invade it.

I think you've hit a nerve with these really 'cool wives' 😂

Coming here to call me bat shit crazy but probably have 101 problems of their own they should be addressing.

I literally can't be asked to entertain some of these comments because they have it so wrong and don't know anything except create scenarios of things that are not one bit true.

I promise I am not what these women think I am, my husband has a lot of freedom and is definitely not caged to anything.

Anyone would be anxious if their husband started changing & no women would be comfortable if their husband started talking to women behind their back (& no I don't mean if someone says have a nice day he is cheating)

A lot of these women are probably comfortable because they know who they're husband socialises with but I guarantee would not be so comfortable if he starts meeting up with other women you have no idea about - I think they need to open their eyes and not be so stupid

I can't really see this answered properly, it seems to have been skirted over. Has there been previous infidelity? On his part?

I think after that the trust will always be gone. No matter who hard you try to fix it. It's the old story about the broken mirror with the cracks.

You can't do anything to address his behaviour. You can only manage your own. So you either need to ignore what is blatantly staring you in the face. Or end the relationship. I think ending the relationship would be better for everyone involved.

For everyone else that is come here to genuinely help and be supportive, those ones have my full respect.

Not they don't because you've just referred to women as pussys that walk and talk...

Well clearly you need to get to the bottom of something, but what are you going to do if he has?

Having repeated barmys then twisting yourself into knots isn't doing anyone any favors, and isn't changing anything..

You need to find a way to get into that phone. If they were genuine friends of the opposite sex surely you would know about them, or has he tried to introduce you to female friends before and you've kicked off?

From what you described on your last thread his behaviour is very shady imo. I sense the choice you're going to have to make is between loving this man or your self respect.

I don’t understand a relationship that operates this way tbh, you’re trying to say it’s normal and other people are careless for not understanding or doing the same, but if you need to have such strict rules or boundaries or whatever you wanna call them then there’s clearly no trust, because there’s an assumption that deep down your husband wants to and will cheat on you without these rules, and they’re what’s stopping him.

If you didn’t think that then you wouldn’t need the rules because you would trust that he wouldn’t cheat on you regardless of who he is talking to. Why do you want to be with someone who you feel have to try to prevent from cheating on you?

I’ve been with my fiancée for 6 years and I’ve never had to control who she speaks to or hangs out with because I’ve never had any need or reason to. I don’t assume that unless I moderate who she is in contact with she’s going to cheat on me, and if I thought that she would then the relationship would be over because there’s no point if there’s no trust.

OP this isn’t normal or healthy. If he wants to cheat on you he will, regardless of what rules you have, and from the sounds of it he already is, so this is proof these strict rules/boundaries are useless.

@Elsiebear90

You’ve asked for advice on whether your husband could be cheating on you and in the process have described a very unusual relationship setup, whereby neither of you are allowed to talk to anyone of the opposite sex other than for work purposes without providing any background to this at all. People are questioning why you have these rules and instead of explaining why you’ve just called them “boundaries” and said you’re both happy with them (he clearly isn’t any more since you know he’s breaking them).

We all have boundaries, but these are extreme and for most people go above and beyond what is normal and reasonable. If you provided some context and background then maybe people wouldn’t make their own assumptions..

Even with the little bit of information I have added, people are creating their own stories.

I know my marriage better than anyone here and believe no one is picking up anything right.

I didn't come here to ask if my husband is cheating. I came here to simply say I feel like I can't trust my husband and j have a feeling I can't shake off. I made it very clear that it could all be in my head and I am being paranoid or either he may be up to something.

Maybe I worded some of my context in a way that hit a nerve for some people but I can guarantee one thing, non of you are right about anything to do with my relationship.

What context do you want me to provide to entertain keyboard warriors.

My husband can talk to people and I can talk to people. However, we both know who we are talking with if it's about work or the weekend.

I became all suspicious because he suddenly changed his passwords and does something in his phone before he lets me see something (no not talking about messages, could be using the internet)

I know he will cross paths with other women and work that maybe I don't know about to talk about work etc and that's fine. However, it is not fine as a married man to be meeting up with anyone your wife has no idea about it who they are. This is not a relationship, it is a marriage that you committed to and should be very transparent and communicate.

I know a lady from my church who says her husband voluntarily when speaking with women from work puts them on loud speaker present in his home to be transparent to his wife that it's nothing bad. She did not ask him to do that but he did that himself. Let me guess, she's batt shit crazy and controlling. Pft.

We have our own boundaries which I really can't be asked to sit and explain to anyone because everyone is ready to attack at the first word but as married people, your other half should come before anyone else. If my husband was not comfortable with a male 'friend' or my friendship was making him uncomfortable, my husband comes before that friend and if they are a good friend they should keep their distance. Of course, if they have reason to believe it is a weird friendship & it's not genuine.

I had a 'friend' from work who use to make comments about every women and he would say things to me that I knew would make my husband uncomfortable. I no longer talk to him. Is my husband crazy and paranoid ?

Truth be told, some people don't care about your relationship and if it's in their interest will continue to do what they want even If they see it's causing problems for you.

@girlmom21

For everyone else that is come here to genuinely help and be supportive, those ones have my full respect.

Not they don't because you've just referred to women as pussys that walk and talk...

Oh shut up seriously.

A lot of these women are probably comfortable because they know who they're husband socialises with but I guarantee would not be so comfortable if he starts meeting up with other women you have no idea about - I think they need to open their eyes and not be so stupid

OP no one is saying you have to accept your husband being best friends with a woman and braiding her hair, but it's the complete inability to allow him to so much as talk to women outside of "necessity" that's the issue, there aren't just two options here. But sure, you can pretend my uncontrolled husband is shagging someone wise if that makes you feel better.

@Closetbeanmuncher

Well clearly you need to get to the bottom of something, but what are you going to do if he has?

Having repeated barmys then twisting yourself into knots isn't doing anyone any favors, and isn't changing anything..

You need to find a way to get into that phone. If they were genuine friends of the opposite sex surely you would know about them, or has he tried to introduce you to female friends before and you've kicked off?

From what you described on your last thread his behaviour is very shady imo. I sense the choice you're going to have to make is between loving this man or your self respect.

It's not so easy to just up and leave because I am suspicious. I have a family with this man and other people to think off before I jump to conclusions.

If those conversations are genuinely innocent and I have it wrong, I would apologise and look to help my anxiety the next time.

However, don't ignore the fact there are men out there that actually are doing something they shouldn't and their poor wives get shit because they are suspicious and then these men get away with everything because society have said their wife is crazy and paranoid and jealous.

If it's the worst case scenario, I can't comment because I don't know how I'll react or what I'll do.

For now it is my part of my gut telling me something is off and his recent behaviour hadn't helped.

You sound really stupid and clearly not understanding the logic of anything.

Yes of course I'm the stupid one with no logic, says the woman who has actually been cheated on and is now trapped in a miserable marriage with a husband she can't trust.