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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't trust DH

210 replies

Sydney0101 · 08/12/2021 16:42

Been together a long time, but something in me just does not trust him and I can't shake it off.

I haven't spoken to him about it, but I constantly feel like he is hiding something from me and some of his actions don't help.

He is a loving and caring husband and father but my small gut feels different and I can't help be in a mood or act as if he is guilty of something.

Has anyone experienced this but been wrong, maybe I am just paranoid..

OP posts:
Original poster
Sydney0101 · 08/12/2021 18:21

@Tee20x

But have you stopped to think that he is being sneaky because you're being unreasonable?

The whole situation sounds toxic tbh and I don't buy into the whole "it works for some couples" thing - end of the day you should trust your partner to make friends and speak to whoever they want - that's on both sides.

His behaviour does sound a bit dodgy from what you've said but then again if I were in his position and I wanted to have a normal chat with a friend of the opposite sex , but my partner would go OTT about it you could easily find yourself being sneaky.

What you're not allowing him to do is such a normal thing!

If you don't trust him there's no point of being with him.

He wasn't caged and forced to be with me when he decided to marry me.

I don't think I am unreasonable at all, he does talk to people and he can laugh and banter etc however, doing it behind my back is a simple no no.

We are not friends, we are a married couple with children and we should come before any mates.

I care more about his insecurities than what 'mates' might say.

OP posts:
katieg03 · 08/12/2021 18:24

Surely his work phone should be confidential? Why are you interested in the work phone? Work phones are for work purposes. He should be careful what data is on there and certainly shouldn't be using it for personal purposes. Someone's sudden change in behaviour is a red flag, naturally. But trying to live with such stringent rules speaking to the opposite sex is going to be hard to sustain for ever. Only you know your husband. If you think he's cheating you need to ask him outright

GotBeatenUp · 08/12/2021 18:25

@Sydney0101, I think OW was an EA, but he'd been taking her out, buying her things, been going round to her house etc. I only have his word that nothing happened, and he was an accomplished liar

Your DH isn't my XP, but the red flags are things like a change in behaviour, secrecy, changes in phone use, changes in the sexual relationship, new friends you've not met etc

There will quite possibly be accusations about you cheating/being mad/controlling etc from him.

My XP stood on the moral high ground about his cheating XBIL and would disapprove of me mentioning any man, while chasing his friend as soon as she became single.

All the accusations on here telling you it's you not him are just enabling men who cheat.

Your DH has crossed boundaries, and you need to decide what to do.

Philly1234 · 08/12/2021 18:26

People describing OP as ‘crazy’ or ‘not normal’ wtaf??!!!

Original poster
Sydney0101 · 08/12/2021 18:27

@katieg03

Surely his work phone should be confidential? Why are you interested in the work phone? Work phones are for work purposes. He should be careful what data is on there and certainly shouldn't be using it for personal purposes. Someone's sudden change in behaviour is a red flag, naturally. But trying to live with such stringent rules speaking to the opposite sex is going to be hard to sustain for ever. Only you know your husband. If you think he's cheating you need to ask him outright
I am not interested in his 'work' and I do understand work phone being confidential. However, what if I suspect he is using his work phone to cheat on me then what should I sit back and shut up because it's his work phone and let him make a mug out of me.

People who cheat or want to cheat will use anything and that's even things you may not have control over because it's easy to be sneaky and private if your partner can't have access to it.

I don't think you are understand my concern here. It's the suddenly changing when before there wasn't an issue.

I have 0% interest in his work phone, I am interested in why all the sudden it's such a secret and I am the crazy one.

OP posts:
GotBeatenUp · 08/12/2021 18:27

@Philly1234, we cross-posted but All the accusations on here telling you it's you not him are just enabling men who cheat.

meh12 · 08/12/2021 18:28

I don't want him talking to other females if it's not about work or necessary things. It works for some couples and we were one of those. He is the same as me if not worse.

That is bat shit and completely unhealthy, shame on you for facilitating such a controlling, ridiculous "rule". Completely unacceptable message to send to your kids.

itlod · 08/12/2021 18:30

I don't want him talking to other females if it's not about work or necessary things. It works for some couples and we were one of those. He is the same as me if not worse.

But clearly it doesn't work for you as a couple if there's still no trust?

You've then said that when you questioned him about meeting up with female colleagues behind your back, he gets defensive and makes you think you're being crazy. What as part of that shows that your reached a consensus and are both on the same page with boundaries and 'rules'?

Original poster
Sydney0101 · 08/12/2021 18:31

@meh12

I don't want him talking to other females if it's not about work or necessary things. It works for some couples and we were one of those. He is the same as me if not worse.

That is bat shit and completely unhealthy, shame on you for facilitating such a controlling, ridiculous "rule". Completely unacceptable message to send to your kids.

My kids can decide whatever they wish in their own relationship. Everyone has certain boundaries and no one is forced to stay or accept them.

He made the sole decision to be with me and if he can't accept my 'boundaries' he doesn't have to be with me. However, he is and chooses to be and with that said needs to respect me and my 'boundaries' the same way I do his

OP posts:
GotBeatenUp · 08/12/2021 18:33

@Sydney0101, as for the work phone, he may have a dual sim phone, and he might be using the second sim for things he doesn't want you to know.

Ludo19 · 08/12/2021 18:38

Listen to your gut. If he has previous and you both "tried" to forgive and forget then he knows he can do it again. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Original poster
Sydney0101 · 08/12/2021 18:39

@Philly1234

People describing OP as ‘crazy’ or ‘not normal’ wtaf??!!!
Yeap, apparently I am bat shit crazy for feeling anything or being suspicious.

If I had to take advise from any one of these, I should sit tight and wait to be mugged off.

OP posts:
Cakeandcardio · 08/12/2021 18:40

Don't let people on here doubt yourself and make you believe you are controlling because you and your husband don't talk to people of the opposite sex. It is weird when couples do that. If other people on here are fine with their husbands speaking with women all the time then let them crack on. But don't be fooled into thinking you are controlling because you and your husband aren't OK with that!!

Didimum · 08/12/2021 18:40

Way to victim blame OP, everyone. She’s been cheated on and has established boundaries in her marriage in order to reconcile. Her husband can speak the hell up if he disagrees, but no, he’s gaslighting her instead.

Original poster
Sydney0101 · 08/12/2021 18:41

@Ludo19

Listen to your gut. If he has previous and you both "tried" to forgive and forget then he knows he can do it again. He knows exactly what he's doing.
He knows exactly what he is doing, but the real struggle is can he understand that what he is doing is actually damaging in other ways.

It really hurts me that I have to feel the way I do, and it's not all the time I M like this but when I do have a moment it makes my whole body shiver.

OP posts:
GotBeatenUp · 08/12/2021 18:41

@Sydney0101, that's what I did and you can guess what happened when I found out.

Original poster
Sydney0101 · 08/12/2021 18:46

@Cakeandcardio

Don't let people on here doubt yourself and make you believe you are controlling because you and your husband don't talk to people of the opposite sex. It is weird when couples do that. If other people on here are fine with their husbands speaking with women all the time then let them crack on. But don't be fooled into thinking you are controlling because you and your husband aren't OK with that!!
That's my point. Every couple is different. Some will find it weird and judge us and think it's wrong. However, equally I can say I find it wrong that they be ok with their husbands chatting away and socialising endlessly with other women etc.

But I will never make anyone feel bad about it. This is my marriage and it's something we both feel the same on. There are people far worse than me maybe and my husband believe it or not can breath.

I just believe in a marriage you committed to, you need to respect, card and clearly communicate. We have been together a very long time and we both knew what we were getting into when we married. I simply want the same respect I put in.

OP posts:
itlod · 08/12/2021 18:48

@Didimum

Way to victim blame OP, everyone. She’s been cheated on and has established boundaries in her marriage in order to reconcile. Her husband can speak the hell up if he disagrees, but no, he’s gaslighting her instead.

Quite a loot of us are agreeing that the change in behaviour is a red flag and sounds very suspicious.

However, we're also pointing out that the current set up & 'rules' aren't healthy. If he's cheated in the past and he has been unable to rebuild trust, for her own sake she needs to leave. This is no way to live.

Also, if we're right in assuming it's him that cheated and your the innocent party, why are you adhering to these OTT rules. Youve said he'd more concerned than you about interactions with the opposite sex

IncompleteSenten · 08/12/2021 18:51

He has changed his behaviour and is also doing things he'd hit the roof over if you did them.
It's not unreasonable to be suspicious and pissed off about those facts.

Flowers500 · 08/12/2021 18:52

This isn't a marriage, this is a prison.

First of all, the situation is objectively batshit. You're both massively controlling and unreasonable, restricting each others basic interactions. It sounds like you're both emotionally abusive and controlling, in a toxic dynamic.

Secondly, you're defending it by saying "it works for us"--open your eyes, you're posting a thread about how this isn't working. So no, it's not "working for us." Toxic and controlling relationships where one party is basically stalking the other and then posting online about it is not my definition of "working!"

Then you seem to be suggesting on here that your partner is just objectively not trustworthy. In which case, you either need to leave, or accept he's just going to keep being untrustworthy--why tie yourself up in knots and be miserable? You clearly think he's an ongoing cheater so deal with that reality. You don't need an excuse to end a marriage.

Opus17 · 08/12/2021 18:55

@gannett

I am not one bit ok with him talking with other females or having lunch etc and he is the same. However, I think he had changed it so that he can talk to whoever he wants on his WhatsApp without me having access or knowing. I know he has met up for catch ups with female co workers ( he thinks I don't know) but I know he would have an issue if I did same thing.

Red flags waving loud and clear... about YOU, OP.

What a horrendous, controlling attitude.

Agree. I can't believe what I'm reading. You don't allow each other to talk to the opposite sex?? That's utterly bizarre.

My DH met for lunch today with an ex-colleague. He had a lovely time catching up, grabbing lunch. She was a woman. He does the same with male colleagues. I cannot fathom at all why anyone would be bothered about this.
With the context you've added, it sounds like you're controlling and a bit paranoid

Opus17 · 08/12/2021 18:56

You're both* controlling and paranoid

Sorchamarie · 08/12/2021 18:57

I understand completely where you are coming from, OP.
Unfortunately, if your husband refuses to talk about the issue, let alone reassure you with full transparency, your only options are to let it go (which you presumably won't be able to do), stay and be miserable (for as long as you can put up with that at least), stay and keep trying to talk to him about it (which will result in a very bad relationship and you still miserable if he won't give), or leave. Perhaps leaving will bring him to his senses, and he'll finally confess what's been going on, or he'll maybe offer full transparency at that point, but not confess to what he's actually been up to, in which case, stay left, because it won't get better.
Sorry OP. You're in a fully shit situation, IMO, and I feel really sad for you.

itlod · 08/12/2021 18:57

You clearly think he's an ongoing cheater so deal with that reality. You don't need an excuse to end a marriage.

She's never going to end the marriage anyway. Even if he's caught cheating again, the consequence will be more and/or stricter rules and more control (on both sides, even though OP has done nothing wrong).
This is obviously how it's been dealt with in the past. The cheating will continue and as a result there will be less & less trust, meaning more & more control and misery

timeforanewlife · 08/12/2021 18:58

Whatever he says, you will assume that he has an affair. What answer would satisfy you that there is no other woman? It doesn't matter if there is, just assume that he is cheating and start thinking about leaving.