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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Don't trust DH

210 replies

Sydney0101 · 08/12/2021 16:42

Been together a long time, but something in me just does not trust him and I can't shake it off.

I haven't spoken to him about it, but I constantly feel like he is hiding something from me and some of his actions don't help.

He is a loving and caring husband and father but my small gut feels different and I can't help be in a mood or act as if he is guilty of something.

Has anyone experienced this but been wrong, maybe I am just paranoid..

OP posts:
Lifewith · 09/12/2021 23:48

All this talk of rules and being allowed makes for very depressing reading. You're not their parent. Who wants to be in a relationship like that. A person is not a possession.

me4real · 09/12/2021 23:56

If it was OK then the OP wouldn't be on mumsnet right now.

@Lifewith It would be ok with her if he'd stuck to what they agreed, the problem is he hasn't, or has verged on not doing so. Not everyone is like him.

Oh, and ugly people have affairs too. And older people.

Of course, allowing exceptions is a risk people take.

All this talk of rules and being allowed makes for very depressing reading. You're not their parent. Who wants to be in a relationship like that. A person is not a possession.

It's not parental as it's a mutual decision (in theory.) If one person was entirely making the rules then that'd be one controlling the other- or if there were different rules for each of them maybe.

It could easily end up being not one of the partner's cup of tea though.

Lifewith · 10/12/2021 00:07

@me4real I don't really have anything else to say apart from how is it a mutual decision to 'allow' someone. They don't need to be told or allowed and you don't have 'rules'in a healthy relationship. You have respect.
But I can see you are going to come up with any nonsense whatever I write so I don't particularly have enough interest to continue.
A risk people take? 'Allowing ' exceptions of having ugly or older friends to the rules is a called a 'risk'. Cos you never know, they might jump them at any opportunity.
Having partner put rules on you is a risk. Massive one. And a huge warning.
Jesus fing christ

Sydney0101 · 10/12/2021 01:35

*apologies for long post

If you think I'm getting defensive or being rude then it's all because you sit there behind your screens insulting me first hand without even trying to understand what I am actually saying or what ACTUALLY is the case.

Talk about respecting women, yet most of you have sat there calling me offensive names without even trying to understand what is going on & apparently I am the rude one or don't respect women. Hypocrite at their best.

I would love to sit and respond to each post but I really have don't see the point anymore.

People come on on MN sometimes to post because they want to get non bias views of others or because they are going through something or whatever reason. Why some of you think because your anonymous behind your username, you can sit and make people feel like shit or insult just to to make yourself look interesting is beyond me.

Non of you know my relationship AT ALL and you have say there making up stories and theories of what's going on and I can't be bothered to correct anymore.

No, I don't think my husband is cheating every time another women breaths next to him or says hi or exists. I don't think he is cheating on me, I clearly said I am suspicious of something and it may not even be cheating but may be he's doing something that will make me uncomfortable me and fuck knows what it is or yes he could be taking the complete piss out of me!

Examples I gave of some previous 'friends' was to show you what those 'friends' are like and how some people have no respect for your relationship but yet as the wife I should shut up and sit back.

He is not caged and I am not crazy by the slightest. It's as if people on here have nothing had issues in their marriage or relationship and not everything has to be about cheating! Even those 'friends' can become an issue in any relationship especially when they don't respect your relationship then why should I card about any 'bloody' friends.

There are 7.9 billion people in the world and you think your kind of relationship is the only right one or the right way forward. Do you live under a rock and not realise not everyone follows the same 'rules' as you. I could say I go to church and I am a christian and the bible tells me to be submissive to my husband only etc and you would all jump on me & most likely 10/10 insult me and my religion and culture.

You don't know me personally or anything about my life, and based on a very short few assumptions you've painted a whole picture of my life like honestly quit while your ahead.

When I also wrote this post, I was in a state and I was upset and that's how I felt then. However, most of my days I am actually very happy and very content. Yes, we are not perfect and yes we all make mistakes and maybe my husband is not cheating and is probably doing nothing wrong but his way of communicating that is poor unfortunately and for someone with anxieties it doesn't help. I am human and I have emotions and I shouldn't be sitting here trying to defend why I feel anxious.

I get it most of you are very open in YOUR relationship and you trust each other to the core bla bla but don't sit there looking down on me or mine as if you know mine to the core because you don't. I am sure there are other issues in your own relationship that probably scream out other other issues without attacking me.

Non of you know what is what it and what is not working for me because you don't me or my relationship. You've started creating theories based on a few posts.

I think my I probably wasn't clear enough in some of my context or could have sentenced it differently to not trigger attack but regardless I don't deserve abuse by anonymous trolls.

If someone was going through depression and finding life hard, would you turn at them and tell them "this is why your depressed" , "you did this to yourself", " ah look at your being depressed" , " you need help, your not stable" etc. It's actually disgusting that you think what your saying is ok but I am the terrible one here because I posted and I should be abused over it and shouldn't have posted.

The very little amount I have opened up, has now made me not want to share anything else because clearly my view of things or life is so wrong because it doesn't sit in with what is your ideal way of living. As hard as it is to believe, I am not actually miserable or living in hell. Yes, his behaviour suddenly changed and I will get down to the root of why eventually but 9/10 me or my husband are nothing to what someone of you have convinced yourself you know.

Lastly, thank you to the VERY FEW who actually understand and try to give real support without feeling the need to put me down first hand.

I am not responding to anything else anymore. Consider this post SHUT.

OP posts:
Tiredofbs123 · 10/12/2021 05:35

@Sydney0101 I know you want to close this post and for what it’s worth reading the comments I don’t blame you, but I just wanted to say if you feel that your spidey sense is going crazy, go to surviving infidelity and their ‘just found out’ forum and read around there. You could even post. No one will tell you there that your boundaries make you a crazy person. What they might be able to do is help you work out what is going on. Hopefully it’s nothing but I’m afraid I’m a believer in ‘those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing’. Good luck I can see you’re hurting. Flowers

Pinkgold1 · 10/12/2021 06:41

@Sydney0101 @me4real you both need to be single and work on your insecurities and paranoia. It’s not normal to dictate who your DP talks to and look through their phone. It’s abuse to control your dp.

Flowers500 · 10/12/2021 13:23

Good lord, could you please just confirm that there are no children having to be involved in this? If it's just the two of you then nobody is going to stop you making each other miserable and living in a controlling prison. But if this is affecting anyone else please get some help for your misogny, paranoia, rage and relationship issue.

takemebacktothe80s · 11/12/2021 12:29

Here we go people claiming the op is insane. It does sound dodgy. And you have every right to feel like you do.

layladomino · 11/12/2021 15:13

Trust is everything in a relationship. Without it, there is no relationship worth speaking of. And for some reason you don't trust your husband.

Comingup · 14/12/2021 09:07

Most posters have tried to give their views in a measured way, myself included. Of course we don't know the minituae of your relationship! We have to base responses on how it comes across in your posting. It doesn't sound great, and we have picked up on that. All the best OP

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