DH using cam girls

[Teaaddict39]

I was recently using my DH's tablet to do some online shopping and I stumbled across an open tab which seemed to imply my DH had paid for a "private show" on a well known cam site.

I asked him about it and he got all embarrassed before finally admitting that he's done this a few times. I know DH enjoys porn and this doesn't bother me, however, I was shocked to find out he'd been paying cam girls, it just felt like a line had been crossed.

To be fair, he was open and honest and after talking for a while he also confessed that he regularly purchases tokens on other adult sites in order to view the girls' private galleries. He assured me that he loves me and this is all just a fantasy and I do believe him. I'm just not sure that I am okay with it. He's told me he's stopped and won't do it again and I'm trying to put this to the back of my mind.

I want to get over this, but I am struggling to work my feelings out

Am I overreacting? Do most men do this? Or am I right to feel a bit put out? Any perspective would be gratefully appreciated. Xx

@Pyewackect do you know what else affects children? Truly miserable parents. Parents made ill by STD's. Fathers with no respect for women. A random sibling turning up out of the blue as a result of cheating. Missing out on nice things because dad spent all their money on prostitutes.

I favour divorce.

Your husband is a real pos I’m afraid. To cheat on you, spend family money of prostitutes, and then turn round and blame YOU because it wasn’t the same after you birthed HIS children??? And how are you supposed to come back from one of these let alone all three? I do hope you have to support to throw this miserable wretch back in to his cesspit. Please consult a lawyer and then have an sti check - and start thinking only about what is best for YOU and your dc. Believe us, it’s not him.

@Pyewackect so you would rather the children growing up knowing their father is a cheating bastard to their mother. Trust me as a former child I would never ever be okay with that.

@Pyewackect you can change your opinion before you influence someone else with its negativity

There's absolutely no way I would stay with someone who risked transmitting STDs to me for the sake of "variety

Well if hes telling the truth, he hadn't to date, but agree he seems a risk for it, if he escalates along his path to date.

The thing is, if we believe his reasons; he hasn't felt the same aboit sex with his wife since she had his kids, and that's as specific as he can be. No detail, no examples etc. then it's all down to how he feels, and how exactly is that going to change?!

Even if op did want to resolve this (unwise) hes given her nothing to resolve. She cabt change his "feeling", abd he cantbreally either; u pess he thinks a therapist can help him see things differently, and somehow develop totally different, satisfied feelings about his ex life.

It just seems unlikely.
It seems more likely his feeling won't change permanently or at all, abd he'll be back again this cheating/sex workers use sooner or later

Fwiw i doubt he has such a feeling, I think he could just be a common garden cheater who wants sexual interaction with women besides his partner, and feels entitled to it, abd thinks hes doing her a favour doing it worh sex workers rather than having affairs or breaking up their marriage.

If he truly is the type of man who can't enjoy sex with a woman once she's had his kids, then he's fucked up, no good to anyone as a partner with kids involved, and always a rush risk extra marital cheating, even if is (apparently) confined to cam sex and hand jobs in massage parlours.

But generally when a man is like this, or becomes like this; that's what he is. It has the potential to creep in no matter what sort of relationship he's in.

@Pyewackect

I don't know you or your husband but I think your marriage is worth saving. I can understand how hurt you must feel but life can be hard to deal with sometimes , sometimes impossibly so. I had to tell a guy his wife had just died but his baby was OK. His life has changed immeasurably but he owes it to his daughter to pick up the pieces. You have a chance, don't let it go. Just my opinion.

How does that have any bearing on the OP's situation?

Her husband cheated on her.
What's worth saving?

So sorry OP such terrible shock.

As a pp said he could have a burner phone he uses for the purpose of arranging his sex worker appointments. Or maybe not, I have learnt that many ‘legit/ spa’ type massage places offer happy endings under the counter.

I bet he wants your silence, op.

All this will make him look like scum baggy, a degenerate and immoral etc. He's no doubt very eager for it not to come out, as part the package of him not losing the marriage.

@Allsortsofroses

I bet he wants your silence, op.

All this will make him look like scum baggy, a degenerate and immoral etc. He's no doubt very eager for it not to come out, as part the package of him not losing the marriage.

It made me wonder in my case how much of his pleading with me to forgive him was actually attributable to this. If OP stays, this can all be kept 'in-house' (a phrase they use, at least mine did) and swept under the carpet. If OP leaves, the mind boggles as to how long it can be swept under the carpet. With a smear campaign, probably a very long time. The question for OP is: how does she feel about this being swept under the carpet?

@Pyewackect

I don't know you or your husband but I think your marriage is worth saving. I can understand how hurt you must feel but life can be hard to deal with sometimes , sometimes impossibly so. I had to tell a guy his wife had just died but his baby was OK. His life has changed immeasurably but he owes it to his daughter to pick up the pieces. You have a chance, don't let it go. Just my opinion.

You haven't got a bloody clue have you.

@Pyewackect Are you some sort of fundamentalist christian, that you don't believe in divorce even when a husband has visited prostitutes? Yes, some children are hurt by divorce but there are loads of them who haven't significantly been, divorce is very common after all.

Personally I couldn'tve been more delighted when my mum left my dad- I only wish it had happened much earlier.

And women are people too who shouldn't have to put up with any old shite.

Your husband is a real pos I’m afraid. To cheat on you, spend family money of prostitutes, and then turn round and blame YOU because it wasn’t the same after you birthed HIS children???

@goody2shooz As Allsorts said, that probably isn't even true anyway of couse. He just fancied extra sex/wank fodder. He just said that to hurt OP and make her feel like it was her fault or unavoidable.

If I was you, I would be divorcing him. He has cheated on you repeatedly. Paying for cam girls IMO is cheating. It is personal. He is personally paying a woman for sexual benefit. Never mind actually seeing prostitutes in person. You don't know for certain that this 'happy ending' thing hasn't gone further than that. He has lied and hidden things from you. And trying to turn this all around on you is repulsive.

I feel like an utter idiot. I had no idea this was going on at all. He'd never made a comment remotely negative about our relationship or sex life and I genuinely believed all was well.

I am definitely going to use the next four weeks wisely and try and work out my next steps.

Despite his denials, I am working on the premise that he has been sleeping with escorts and have booked an STI test for next week.

I am feeling particularly vulnerable as we started trying for DC three less than two weeks ago and I am still in such a state of shock. Obviously this is no longer the case.

Apparently it started after the birth of our second DC. I will admit it took a while to resume sex at that point as I had a difficult birth and was medically unable to have sex for a year. However, as soon as I healed we rekindled our love life so he's being an absolute twat blaming this. I have no sympathy as I was in a lot of pain looking after a newborn and all he had to do was relieve himself discreetly for 12 fucking months!

Sorry for venting at you all and if this post is disjointed. Nothing is making sense right now and I cant seem to write a coherent post! Xx

Sorry for venting at you all and if this post is disjointed. Nothing is making sense right now and I cant seem to write a coherent post!

Your post was fine OP. Vent or say whatever you need. x

Fucking hell OP. He was happy to try for another child with you? He can't have been that concerned about your sex life after the other two then, surely? If it was bad enough to make him look elsewhere why would he risk making it worse.

I agree with the others that it's just an excuse.

@OhRexy

I'm also sorry your friend was shit. She had no right to minimise your feelings.

As others have said, only you can decide what you can/want to forgive and accept.

I guess for me, putting aside that this goes far beyond porn, I worry about his attitude towards women. I would not want to be with a man who was willing to use sex workers knowing the exploitation and abuse often involved. It would fundamentally change how I saw him.

You may feel differently and for you that might not be a red line in the same way which is fine.

Whatever you decide, do it for you. Not him, family, friends. What do you want/need to happen?

I’d feel the same. He has no idea if this cam girl was underage or trafficked or being coerced by her pimp to feel his habit.

I sorry OP it must be a terrible shock. You have done the right thing getting some space from him. If he starts to encroach on this, you should ask him to move out.

Some men thing you need just a few days to get over “ being in the huff” and start to pester you 😡

we started trying for DC three less than two weeks ago

More proof that he's talking shite.

He claims he's been buying private pics of sex workers, having cam sex and getting hand jobs in massage parlours because he didn't feel the same way sexually after you had kids ..... yet is happily, without a word going along with ttc another child??

Would that just make things (much) worse? Pregnancy, which may well have turned out to be incompatible with an active sex life, another possibpe period of birth injury recovery (and six weeks no piv sex at least, even if no birth injuries), them all the constant feeding, sleep deprivation, possible co sleeping, viruses, teething etc etc. He's been through it all so he cant claim ignorance.

Somebody's story isn't adding up.

And are we to presume that he saw the :solution" to the further effect on your sex life was for him to continue or escalate buying intimate pics, and sexual services; because what else was he going to do of that's his he already felt avd how he was already acting?

The bull shittery is phenomenal.

Apparently it started after the birth of our second DC. I will admit it took a while to resume sex at that point as I had a difficult birth and was medically unable to have sex for a year. However, as soon as I healed we rekindled our love life so he's being an absolute twat blaming this. I have no sympathy as I was in a lot of pain looking after a newborn and all he had to do was relieve himself discreetly for 12 fucking months!

He sounds very very entitled.

Entitled to sex, even while you're bringing his children into the world and suffering birth injuries (quite common) in the process.

If you're not providing sex, entitled to get sexusl stimulation and orgasms elsewhere.

Entitled to buy sex and use other women's bodies in an industry steeped in exploitation.

When you saud you made a big effort to keep your sex life active etc in one of your earliest posts, I started to think through the thrash that hrs probably quite entitled and perhaps a bit demanding about sex, putting it front and centre/making it a high priority (not for your sake as a couple, but for himself) and wondered whether you'd felt pressured to keep the sex life active (even during the crazy baby abd young kids years).

He seems to have the mentality of a punter, a bot sex obsessed, entitled, lack of blu daries, empathy and integrity. Just "i need sex, i wabt sex, I'm entitled to sex - if she's not performing her function I have the right to go elsewhere that's my business" etc.

He reminds me of the "women are domestic, childcare and sex appliances" contingent; they make for shit partners.

@Allsortsofroses

we started trying for DC three less than two weeks ago

More proof that he's talking shite.

He claims he's been buying private pics of sex workers, having cam sex and getting hand jobs in massage parlours because he didn't feel the same way sexually after you had kids ..... yet is happily, without a word going along with ttc another child??

Would that just make things (much) worse? Pregnancy, which may well have turned out to be incompatible with an active sex life, another possibpe period of birth injury recovery (and six weeks no piv sex at least, even if no birth injuries), them all the constant feeding, sleep deprivation, possible co sleeping, viruses, teething etc etc. He's been through it all so he cant claim ignorance.

Somebody's story isn't adding up.

And are we to presume that he saw the :solution" to the further effect on your sex life was for him to continue or escalate buying intimate pics, and sexual services; because what else was he going to do of that's his he already felt avd how he was already acting?

The bull shittery is phenomenal.

All of this.

He's a fucking liar as well as a punter. Ugh I'm so sorry OP:

@pyewackect being really honest with you, if it had transpired that the cam girls were the extent of this I would most likely working on trying to save our marriage.

However, this has gone beyond that. He has been paying other women to perform sex acts on him for three years. One of those years I was struggling with a newborn and suffering with a completely battered fanjo (sorry if TMI) and was at a really low point.

At present, I don't see how our marriage can be fixed. Of course I love him and wish it could be fixed but I don't feel that's possible right now. I know divorce can damage kids and it breaks my heart that our family may be divided, but if I stay and he does this again then what?! Xx

Oh op I feel for you. But in your shoes I would certainly be separating, as per your plan.

He has shown a disgusting lack of concern for you. He has cheated. Paid prostitutes online and in person. Lied repeatedly over several years. And then when caught, he first of all minimises (he didn't tell you about visiting prostitutes in his first 'full confession' did he?) - and you can assume that he is still minimising.

He's lied for 3 years. He lied when caught out. Why on earth can he expect you to believe that he's now suddenly telling the whole truth?

So there is likely more to this than you now know. Very possibly there will be stuff that you will never find out. There is a very good chance - almost 100% certain - that he isn't telling you the whole truth, and he will protect that for as long as possible, ideally foreever.

And even if you do have the full truth now, it is still devastatingly grim. The lies, the cheating, the grim online and face to face with prostitutes sex. He has shown he has happy to lie to you and cheat on you.

Then you find out and he turns it around on you - it was because your sex life wasn't good enough. Well that is clearly a lie. But even if he was enjoying sex less should he a) have talked to his loving wife who has just had his child or b) find some online hookups and get his kicks elsehwere, while his wife struggles with looking after a newborn and her own birth injuries?

Aside from 'forgiving' (if that is even possible) how could you ever respect, trust or fancy him again?

Expect him to spend the next few weeks on best behaviour. He will see the few weeks grace as his chance to convince you that you've over reacted and he is the best husband and he loves you and is devoted and will spend the rest of his life making it up to you.

But if he was those things, he wouldn't have spent the last few years lying to you and cheating.

If you forgive him and agree to try again, I expect he will see that (in time if not immediately) as a sign he got away with it, so could do again. You would be telling him you're OK with that behaviour. And how could you ever trust him again?

He will do all he can now to minimise it, try to draw you in to somehow being at fault and part of the cause of it, to show you you'll be much worse off without him. He has a lot to lose - as pp said, his comfy home, respectable family, supportive loving wife, living with his children, the respect of his family and friends when they find out what he's done. He will be desperate to avoid that.

He has been his nr 1 priority while he's been getting kicks with other women for all this time, and that will likely continue now.

I'm really sorry as I know some of this sounds really harsh, and it must be SO hard when you've been happy all this time. And so easy for us on mn to say.

But I have been in a position where I had to make a tough choice, that would affect children. I did it and I never regretted it.

Although it's really awful OP and my heart goes out to you , you have to be true to yourself and know yourself and my own experience is that I have found it very difficult to100% feel the same about someone and that it killed any romantic/sexual attraction stone dead— which then creates problems in itself— and that was just looking at far too much porn on a regular basis and looking at webcam pages — but not interacting or paying , which I know to be the case . I honestly think it must be easier if you know your H is a bit of a perv and have put up with it than to be with someone who doesn’t seem remotely this way— I was utterly gobsmacked— if you had asked me 10 years ago I would have been one of the women on here saying that my H just didn’t go there as he was so respectful to women and a feminist. I think some women May be able to get past this kind of thing- but on reflection I realise I am not that kind of person, I like to know 100% ‘who’ I’m committed to