This is my life in my 30s, it’s not normal is it?

[Tyiipp]

How do I change?

Wake up, login from bed after not sleeping most of the night/waking up regularly

Work from bed all day, try and eat healthily with some fruit and veg but skip breakfast.

Sometimes drive to the shop at lunch.

House is a mess as nobody sees it.

Weekend I go to meet friends if any are free. I’m often known to stay in bed all day if nobody is free.

Some nights I go to yoga.

I feel like I’m already dead. I hate my life. When in relationships I’m so much more engaged with life, house proud, energetic. I feel awful.

You're not going to sleep well at night when you're in bed practically all day and barely move. And without daylight and fresh air, you're going to feel shit.

No it’s not normal . But I find working from home can make life miserable
Get up and get dressed as if you are going out to work
Leave the house at some point in daylight
I think some sort of routine is what’s missing

I don’t know how to get routine anymore. I feel like my life is lost @Fidgety31 where do I start? I don’t have to go into work and I literally lie in my night clothes all day. Some days I have a quick rinse and don’t even wash as I don’t see anyone. I’m so miserable

Get up and dressed and dirt your house out not for anyone else but for you. My DM is at home all day by herself and she’s 78. She goes for days without seeing anyone but keeps spirits up by getting up and about. Her house is kept spotless and she is dressed with her make up on each morning. She does it for herself, not anyone else. Why can she do it and not you?

Honestly, I am sorry to sound harsh but you need to get a bit of resolve. Your life isn’t going to change if you’re in bed all day. You sound as if you’ve just got lazy. Turn over a leaf as of tomorrow. Get up, get moving, look after yourself and grow up a bit. You owe it to yourself.

What about finding one thing to improve first - whether that is making your bed in the morning, or going for a walk in the day, or having a bath in the evening or a nice cup of tea before bed.

It doesn’t matter what - it’s just something you do because it’s a nice thing to do and you deserve to do nice things for yourself.

Small things
Shower every day and clean teeth for a start. Do that for a week
Can you work from elsewhere except bed? Make a nice workspace, stick a plant and candle on it
Drink an extra glass of water
Change from pjs, even it's into trackies or leggings, it splits day/night up

Can you work sometimes from a cafe or remote location? Even when I was knackered and had a tiny baby I got showered and dressed every day. Sitting in bed in pjs should just be something you don't let yourself do in the day time.

You need to get up as if you’re going to work. Make your bed, shower, get dressed, eat and sit at a desk/table to work.
This weekend clear up at least one room, and do the same every weekend.

Add in One thing at a time.

Dont go to bed tonight thinking "tomorrow everything is going to change and I'm going to spontaneously start behaving differently from tomorrow"

Just change/add/improve one thing at a time.

I'd suggest eating well or committing to regular exercise is a good starting point for wherever you're headed.

No wonder you feel shit, no fresh air or exercise, no routine, I’m sorry but not a lot of self-respect!

Have a chat with your GP, you may be depressed.

Otherwise, I’m sorry but you’re going to have to pull yourself together, it’s you making these choices so YOU have to make different ones. Get up. Get dressed. Clean up. Move.

I’ve found my Fitbit helps quite a lot with the moving thing, do you have one?

Can you look for a job which is not work from home?
I would be you very very easily if I didn't have to go out each day.

I just cannot believe ppl work from their beds! I’m sorry I can’t. You are depressed because you don’t have any oxygen and your muscles must be wasting away. Improving your situation is easy, a few small things will make a big difference. Just get into some good habits.

I was once unemployed (well, worked for an agency but work was sparse) when I was 37 and I found the slump and getting through the days so hard.

set your alarm. get up and out for a walk first thing, eve just round the block. it helps set the tone for the day...as mentioned above, a fitbit helps to give you a target to work towards.

OP I think you sound depressed - lacking the motivation for basic self care is a classic sign. Can you speak to your GP?

Have you been WFH since lockdown? Is there a possibility of getting back to the office a couple of days a week? WFH can be very isolating when you live alone, and can magnify feelings of depression.

I work from home and working from bed is really bad for me. It's always a sign that my mental health has taken a downward turn. My body starts springing aches and pains because we're not designed to sit/lay down all day, and a bed is definitely not supportive of using a laptop for a full day's work.

In addition, working in your bed effectively makes it your workplace rather than the place you go to relax and sleep. No wonder you are having trouble sleeping - which further worsens mental health. It's a vicious circle!

You don't have to change everything all in one go - that feels overwhelming. Start small - make your mind up that tomorrow you will get out of bed, get dressed, and work at your desk/table. Then add other healthy behaviours like having a short walk daily, showering daily, catching up on housework, etc.

It's really good that you're eating relatively healthily and that you're seeing friends at weekends. Congratulate yourself on those points, and tell yourself "well done" when you do something positive.

You might also ask your doctor about vitamin D and B12 deficiency.

Hope you feel better soon OP 💐

Is there anywhere nice nearby you can walk around? Or maybe a bus ride or the equivalent away? Because for most people fresh air and gentle exercise improves the way they feel. (Might it be possible to walk rather than drive to the shop for lunch?)

Doing some regular walking also has the advantages of (1) getting you out of your bed and wearing yourself out a bit (should lead to better sleep) and (2) making it necessary to dress and probably to do other hygiene. All those things together should create a bit more structure to your day, which should help.

You mention friends but seemingly none come around to where you live. Might you work towards inviting one or more round, so you have an incentive to tackle the mess around you?

You work from home, but do you ever do video calls? If not, why not see if some could be inserted into your day. That would mean you'd at least need to dress your upper body and wash your face etc. Could you put occasional video calls in your diary where you just have a chat over a coffee with a colleague. All this stuff should help you live more outside yourself.

You need a designated working space that is far away from your bed.

Bed is purely for sleeping, don’t work in bed; don’t chill out in bed. Bed is just to sleep.

You need to get up at the same time everyday, shower a shower, eat breakfast brush your teeth:

Go to your desk and work.

Exercise if you can, meet with friends, do your nails, eyes brows; put on some make up.

You’ve got this!

Might be depressed rather than lazy.

Add in One thing at a time.

This is really good advice. Start small, also. Tomorrow, commit to getting up and washed, and working at a table or desk, maybe?

If that seems like too much, just get washed and work from bed. Once you've done your first habit for a week, add another.

This kind of thing:

Brush your teeth every day
Brush your teeth twice a day
Get up and washed every day
Get dressed every day
Work at a table every weekday
Walk to a local shop and buy something for your lunch (could be a smoothie or something if you already have food)
Make a healthy lunch
Exercise three times a week

OP, you're right. It's not normal and not good for you.
You need to start to establish a routine of self care.
Set an alarm for 7.30 am.
Get out of bed and into the shower.
Put on your best clothes and make up. Brush hair, clean teeth.
Get out of the house. Go for a coffee in a nearby cafe or for a brisk walk in nature or around a park. Do this for at least 30 mins.

Come back and set up your work station anywhere but bed. Kitchen table or study space if you have one.

Plan your week and put your plans in the diary. Try to build the plans around friends who are reliable or big social groups so that there's less chance of being cancelled. Invite people over so you are forced to tidy up.

Make sure you have lots of fixtures in your week so that even if social plans fall through, you still have reasons to be out. E.g.
Yoga class
Dance class
Boot camp
Book club
Cinema club
Meet Up
Church or meditation group
Choir
Foodbank or similar weekly volunteering
Group therapy
Kayak or rowing club
Running club
Cycling club
Ramblers

Set aside a couple of hours each weekend and pick a small corner of the house and make it into an inviting space. Set a timer for five minutes to declutter it. Set another for five minutes to clean it - dust and hoover just that small corner. Bit by bit, wash loose covers, repaint scratched surfaces, add a lamp or candle and a plant or flowers. Pick corners that catch your eye so they lift your spirits and encourage you to tackle another small corner the next weekend.

None of these will transform your life overnight but they will get you out of the worst rut. As you start to feel more active, you can make more interesting plans - book a place on a group adventure holiday or apply for a new job that doesn't have you working from home.

Good luck OP. I have felt similar to you before and I know that you have to go through the motions of doing what needs to be done for a while before you kickstart your enthusiasm and motivation for it all, But it's a lovely feeling when you feel life flowing back in and you wake up with a spring in your step.

How about having a relationship with your own health and happiness?

Get up as soon as you wake. Shower, take a 10 minute walk.

Breakfast - something light and tasty. Eggs? Yoghurt? Make it something you enjoy.

Walk to the shop at lunchtime (if you can). If you can't then call into a cafe and create a routine of a sandwich and a chat about the weather.

Do a 30 minute clean round at the end of the working day. You'll soon get the house straight and that will make you feel better.

Plan your weekends - if your friends are free, great (invite them round maybe? That will give you the incentive to make your house welcoming). If not, get out and do some exercise, or go on day trips to the sea or wherever is local to you. Volunteer - you will always find somewhere who needs your help.

As others have said, make small changes but DO make changes. And start loving yourself.

Would it be possible to get a dog, to go for walks every day? You really need to stop working from the bed, and shower and get dressed. Write a list for tomorrow, with all small things you need to do and at what time. Follow the list and cross things out as you go.

Every night put your laptop in the lounge. Then you have to get up.

You need a new routine but I think you know that. I’d write a list and stick it on the wall. Things you have to do each day. Include: shower, fresh air, exercise, good food, treat for yourself. Then write a list of potential treats. Might be a bath, pamper session, new movie, podcast

For exercise I suggest you have a range of ideas. Not a I must walk 5km a day mentality. Because then if you miss a day you beat yourself up and give up. I suggest looking on YouTube for free classes. There’s lots of options. I like mad fit. She does sone 15 minute very easy to follow dance routines that always make me feel better. Check out the xmas songs one. Also try yoga with Adrienne.
Can you go into your workplace a couple of days a week? That might help too.
I know it’s not easy when you feel this low but no one else can do it for you
Best wishes