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This is my life in my 30s, it’s not normal is it?
217

Tyiipp · 02/12/2021 17:31

How do I change?

Wake up, login from bed after not sleeping most of the night/waking up regularly

Work from bed all day, try and eat healthily with some fruit and veg but skip breakfast.

Sometimes drive to the shop at lunch.

House is a mess as nobody sees it.

Weekend I go to meet friends if any are free. I’m often known to stay in bed all day if nobody is free.

Some nights I go to yoga.

I feel like I’m already dead. I hate my life. When in relationships I’m so much more engaged with life, house proud, energetic. I feel awful.

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me4real · 04/12/2021 01:29

At my local council gym they do some classes that are 30 or 45 mins, which feels loads more tolerable than an hour's worth when you do it IMO.

Joining a couple of months ago has meant I go about twice a week (mainly classes, which I prefer) to get my money's worth. I hope to up that.

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Sunshinelover2 · 04/12/2021 01:32

@Tyiipp

One of the things I find really hard is when I’ve gone to yoga I don’t feel massively better and then I feel like everything is doomed.

I got my eyebrows done tonight as someone suggested in this thread. Is it bad I don’t feel better because of it? Should these things be bringing joy into my life? I am worried because I fleetingly enjoy yoga and I fleetingly enjoy eyebrows being done (for example) but I don’t feel I’m enjoying these things like I should. I still feel shit. I’m not sure any of it makes things better and then I start feeling worse

They're not really things that make you feel less isolated OP. I think the root of the problem is isolation.

Read Johann Hari - Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression – and the Unexpected Solutions
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SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 04/12/2021 01:39

That's an all or nothing mentality and it doesn't have to be that way! I also tend to have an all or nothing mentality and it's not great for my mental health. I have to work hard to change my thinking, but it does help.

Example: what happens if I wake up tomorrow morning and I just lie in bed all day and do nothing? I've ruined it all! I've failed!

Nope. You just didn't do what you intended to do for one day. It means virtually nothing in the grand scheme of things. It has no bearing on what choice you make next. There's no such thing as failing in this sort of context. It's a continual journey of gradual self improvement. It will have set backs. That's normal and it isn't failure.

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Stitch9191 · 04/12/2021 01:41

@me4real what a good idea, I forgot all about that! I've been using the time to listen to guided meditations on insight timer and although it was lovely to begin with it is starting to grate on me a bit at 7.30 in the morning in the freezing cold rain

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NotMyCat · 04/12/2021 01:58

I've recommended this before but this is the most calming channel if you are panicking. What really appeals to me is the effort she puts into food and the little routines she has for herself
https://youtube.com/channel/UC_RDtmUq7RISJ4mFKAhjzTg

I have a few things to do tomorrow Smile have you picked anything to do?
Mine are (might not get all done!)

Shower and wash hair (I'm going for a long shower with body scrub etc!)
Cleaning the kitchen
One load of washing
Tidy my desk
Move the cat out the Amazon box so I can recycle it
Start a new book

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Nsky · 04/12/2021 02:17

I feel for you, hurt my back and my hip last week ( ok recently early retirement), it’s still painful , oestopath twice.
It’s too painful to do too much, get up shower, change pjs, wash up/ dishwasher, washing on when needed.
Get dinner prepped , slow cooker ( if you have or try and get one), saves thinking later.
This last week not hovered, done minimum shopping, friend helped change bed.
Been to oesopath twice, I’m fed up, cancelled my voluntary week, when I feel better walks, housework and out more.
You need motivation

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Icepinkeskimo · 04/12/2021 02:40

OP, there have been many days when the inclination to get out of bed and "function" have been a battle. I just want you to know your not alone, even if it feels like it.
All our lives have been put through the wringer, no wonder we are so despondent about life.
I have managed to kick myself up the backside, as I knew I was slipping into some kind of "twilight zone".
I make sure I go out for a cup of coffee at least every other day, (to be truthful its five minutes walk away the coffee is like Confused but they have tables outside and I like to people watch, and I even have conversations with people, who are also drinking the vile bitter coffee. It just breaks up the day and fresh air and conversation do help. It's just one small thing that makes a big difference.

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Orchid876 · 04/12/2021 09:58

Honestly OP, I think you need to find ways of doing this so you're not alone so much. You can't do anything about work, so join some groups where you can meet people socially. I was a member of a very friendly running club for a while, that might be something to try. It was for all abilities, with groups who walked 3k, right up to people running 15k in the hour. I was always in the slower groups and we had a good chat whilst we ambled along. Join a choir, volunteer, start a new hobby, join the Women's Institute (it's not just for oldies). There's loads of things you could do so you're not so alone. When you've got into a bit more of a manageable routine, I'd start looking at things like that.

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vdbfamily · 04/12/2021 10:08

I think you have made an amazing start after taking advice on this thread. Lockdown had messed with people's heads more than anyone understand really and your story will be replicated in thousands of homes but you can change things. Take a room at a time and get back on top of things. Try not to work from your bed ever. Try a relaxing bedtime routine with candles and lavender on your pillow, a relaxing bath, a good book. As others have said, find a face to face activity/ group. Have you ever done an Alpha group with a local church. They often combine with a meal and a chance to properly chat to people. Most towns and villages have a local walking group. Have you thought about rescuing a dog as you will then have company and have to do a couple of walks a day. They help keep you in routine as will bark at meal times and remind you when a walk is required. All the best x

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Tyiipp · 04/12/2021 10:18

Thanks again for the really really helpful suggestions @Icepinkeskimo @Nsky @NotMyCat @Stitch9191 @SimpsonsXmasBoogie @DDUW and the rest too, thank you.

One thing that’s been commented on at work (embarrassingly) and something I know I do privately in my head about all sorts of things with friends etc, is I am almost paranoid. I read into everything, all the time. A friend messaged this week and sent a photo of a holiday we had been on a while ago, following it up with ‘hope you’re ok!’ And a few heart emojis. And I’ve been thinking about that question a lot, wondering if everyone thinks something is wrong with me. I do it at work too, always reading into things. I realised I was doing it recently when someone on the check out in the supermarket said something to me as I was leaving and I got in the car and was thinking they must have been talking about me… or knew bad things about me…and I suddenly had to stop myself and remember that I’d never met that woman before ever, so she was just being friendly.

I really struggle with these things a lot. I don’t know why.

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Tyiipp · 04/12/2021 10:19

I’m worried about going out on this date too because I never think I am as good as i used to be. I feel older, more jaded, less fun. I know I used to be really fun and happy and I constantly question myself now as to whether I’m doing things well enough. Everything feels very hard.

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FutureHope · 04/12/2021 10:38

Overthinking etc is because your mood is low, op.

It might not actually be the right time to be dating. It does offer human contact, which it sounds like you need, but it’s also risky to be out there when you are vulnerable.

If you want to do this one date, I would keep it short and light. And then rethink whether you want to continue.

That was a nice text from your friend. One thing for today could be to respond, saying you’ve you’ve had a tough time but are now on thr up (smile emoji).

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FutureHope · 04/12/2021 10:40

And I echo others in saying that a visit to thr GP might really help. A low dose of antidepressants might well get you over this hump while you get sorted out. They have an amazing effect on lifting mood.

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Pinksloth · 04/12/2021 10:59

@Musttryharder2021

Other than a routine what I feel the Op needs is some actual regular human contact. Those who have partners/husbands/even children do not understand what it feels like to be deprived of a basic human touch/physical contact.

*@Tyiipp*

Do you live far from family??

This is a very good point! That's why it's a good idea to have a structured routine where you meet people, whether that's hiking, aqua fit class, learning a foreign language, crafting, sailing, whatever it is that will get you interacting with people. They don't have to be your best friends, it's good just to have a chitchat at some point in the day. Even going regularly to a local independent cafe where they get to know you and tend to be chattier than the chains can be beneficial.

Maybe having a massage once in a while or having your nails done. Anything that gets you out and makes you start feeling good about yourself OP.
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Pinksloth · 04/12/2021 11:02

Just read your latest post OP, I don't think antidepressants would help with this. It would be much better to speak through these things with a therapist. Someone who specialises in interpersonal relationships. When you're depressed it's easy to get things out of perspective. Also, you don't seem to be very kind to yourself. That's something you could work to improve in therapy.

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Momijin · 04/12/2021 11:07

Wow op I'm impressed you've taken so many things on board and are immediately trying them out!

I'm not an expert but it sounds like you're depressed so please go and see a doctor.

Regarding getting your eyebrows done etc. I've got friends who love spas, massages, getting their brows etc done but it's not my thing. I love swimming and some exercise classes, crafts and arts, reading, learning new things, cooking. And spending time with other people.

You sound lovely and like you've got some lovely and caring friends. I would open up to one of them. If my friend was feeling like you I would want to know and would want to spend time with you and help any way I could.

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Tyiipp · 04/12/2021 11:40

Thanks @Momijin that’s so nice of you to say

@Pinksloth what makes you say that about being kind to myself? Just wondering as it’s a comment that was made a work and I didn’t think I’d come across that way but clearly I do ..

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/12/2021 12:18

You are holding yourself up to very high (impossible) standards. You also seem to partly define your worth by whether or not someone else loves you eg in a relationship.

You need to see that you are a good and valuable person just as you are.

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Pinksloth · 04/12/2021 13:53

@Tyiipp

Thanks *@Momijin* that’s so nice of you to say

*@Pinksloth* what makes you say that about being kind to myself? Just wondering as it’s a comment that was made a work and I didn’t think I’d come across that way but clearly I do ..

Just reading your last post about constantly questioning whether you're doing things to a high enough standard, and believing that people are thinking badly of you or talking about you in a negative way. And also the fact that you make the house nice when you're in a relationship but don't think you're worthy of making the house nice just for you.

That sounds like someone with low self esteem. And often people with low self esteem have negative self talk which feeds into the low self esteem, so it's a vicious circle. That's why I thought therapy might be good for you because you'd have an impartial person, who's on your side, who's trained to help you to work through your negative thought process, help you to build better connections, to feel better about yourself.

Quite honestly I just want to give you a big hug, buy you some lovely sheets, clean your kitchen and take you out somewhere fun. THAT'S what you deserve. But you need to be able to start to believe that so you can start making the changes you need. Flowers
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Kosmin · 04/12/2021 15:17

@HaveringWavering

Don’t you have to do video calls for work? Do you not have a line manager who needs to speak to you now and again?

When I WFH I find that at the very least making my top half presentable (nice top, makeup, styles hair) makes all the difference to how I feel and makes me work more effectively too.

Sounds like you possibly need a new job- you can’t be very inspired by it, or take much pride in it if you are content to do it from bed every day.

I'm in a similar position to the OP. Everyone in our office has been WFH 100% due to the pandemic (we were only allowed back into the office a few weeks ago! And I think most of my colleagues will work in the office 1-2 days per week max. My manager has said she will come in once a fortnight). We've only done video calls a handful of times and I probably only speak to my manager every few weeks. Sometimes I'd make sure I was presentable if I had a call, but most of the time someone would just have some questions about some spreadsheets I'd been working on and would be sharing their screen, so there isn't really any need.
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Cheeseandlobster · 04/12/2021 15:42

Ah you sound like you have anxiety too lovely. Overthinking is a huge part of anxiety.

I am very similar. What has worked for me is just doing 10 mins exercise a day at the start. I do hiit training - there are loads on YouTube - and you dont need anything. I do it in my underwear. Then I feel like I have achieved something.

If I am feeling overwhelmed with cleaning I play 4 songs on Spotify that I love and I say I will just clean until the songs are over. Or I clean in TV ad breaks. You can get loads done!

I dont know where you live or what your budget is but could you get yourself to Primark or a big Asda or Tesco. Treat yourself to some new bedding, a couple of towels, some new pj's and some nice smelling candles and bath foam. You might enjoy treating yourself to these things.

Also when I struggle to sleep which is often I allow myself a half dose of night nurse to give me at least 1 good nights sleep a week. I know it's not meant for that but it works for me.

Keep posting here. This thread is so supportive minus a couple of posts and is probably helping lots of us

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Tyiipp · 04/12/2021 16:47

Thanks @Cheeseandlobster

I’ve got myself ready for this date but not massively in the mood! Keep thinking about my ex even though that was a complete dead end and completely the wrong sort of person to peruse.

It’s the dark nights that are awful too. It’s like this horrible impending doom.

I’m worried work have picked up on how sad I am. I was told the other week that I seemed very nonplussed about life.

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Cheeseandlobster · 04/12/2021 17:13

Good luck on your date!!! I always dread weddings. I can't wait til they are over but yet when I go I love them and have an amazing time. Maybe your date will be like this and at least it won't be an anti climax. Like someone else said above though, make sure he is right for you and don't take it further if he isn't just for the company. I have done this myself in the past and its never a good idea.

Have you thought about buying a sad lamp for the dark nights? That might help?

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FuckYouCorona · 05/12/2021 00:22

Just read the entire thread OP. Hope the date went well. Flowers

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JustThisLastLittleBit · 05/12/2021 09:45

If work have picked up on you being ‘nonplussed’, perhaps they can offer you some support eg working in the office more?

When are you seeing the GP?

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