This is my life in my 30s, it’s not normal is it?

[Tyiipp]

How do I change?

Wake up, login from bed after not sleeping most of the night/waking up regularly

Work from bed all day, try and eat healthily with some fruit and veg but skip breakfast.

Sometimes drive to the shop at lunch.

House is a mess as nobody sees it.

Weekend I go to meet friends if any are free. I’m often known to stay in bed all day if nobody is free.

Some nights I go to yoga.

I feel like I’m already dead. I hate my life. When in relationships I’m so much more engaged with life, house proud, energetic. I feel awful.

You have already had some fabulous advice. I would echo the need to start a routine. When I had a bout of depression I made myself a timetable to get going in the morning; it was literally-
7:30 wake up
7:35 get out of bed
7:40 clean teeth and wash face
7:45 get breakfast

Not only did it take away the decision making and overthinking in the morning but it also gave me a series of quick wins. When your mood is low getting out of bed is a success; self care is positive; eating something helps with low blood sugar causing a slump. Every little thing helps and moves you forward.

Try to get some fresh air and daylight every day. Also please do speak to your GP if you are struggling.

Also make sure you are hydrated, I feel drained when I havent been drinking much.

Also my team and I have a catch up call every morning that is just a 'coffee break' style chat, there is no agenda. Sometimes we talk work, sometimes we dont but that connection is important :)

When I’m depressed I have to force myself to get up, showered and dressed.

But I do and it works.

I’ve had awful mental health issues but I urge you to get up, showered and dressed. At least.

It’s literally the hardest 3 things to do but you can do it and you will win

You poor darling soul! 😟

Advice wise, there's not much for me to add, seeing as how you have already received some excellent advice! So try to take portions of it, and follow it like a routine, (routines are so good for depression!) Which is definitely what you are suffering from. While I'm not a clinician, I'm pretty sure this is classic, clinical depression, having suffered on and off with this my entire life!

I have always found that my darkest days are those where I have been isolated from others! In fact, in my past I fared much better when there was a 'nuisance' in my life who forced me to go out and live! Such as guilt tripping me to go out with them - even if blackmail was present! Lol I have learned that when loved ones do this, you may initially fell resentment - but they're doing it for your own good!

One thing you definitely DON'T want to happen, is for people to give up on you! This eventually happened to me, and once it does you feel you have no hope left! So if someone requests to come to your house, allow them to - even if you feel ashamed of your home! And if others are still inviting you out, accept their invitations - even if you feel so slumped that you can't be bothered!

Are you spending much of your time thinking of the past, and longing you could be back there?

Feel not 'fell'!

@MynameisWa , the OP is reading the thread. Comment to her directly, not in the third person.

@DDUW - what a lovely comment for the OP 🌸

Op, I have been WFH since the pandemic started too and am a single parent so I know how hard it can be.

I also really struggle in the winter months as most of the things that help me feel good involve being outdoors.

BUT I make sure that I get up and showered and dressed every morning, even if I'm not going to see anyone. I also run 3 x a week - not because I particularly feel like it all the time but because I know that fresh air and exercise makes me feel better and is good for me when I've been sat at my kitchen table all day working.

We don't always feel like doing these things but we know we will feel better for them.

I know if I worked from my bed I would have the same issues as you. I don't even have a tv in my bedroom as I try and make it as conducive as possible to sleeping.

Try getting dressed every morning, even into comfy clothes and get outside for a minimum of 10 mins each day. I'm sure you'll soon feel a difference. Also, living in a tidy house helps our mental state a lot too. If your hose is messy, your mind is more likely to be too.

@DDUW lovely 🌸

@DDUW

Morning *@Tyiipp*

How are you this morning? A lot of this must be hard for you to read but please don't be afraid to come back to your thread. Come back and let people know you have done one thing, or come back and let people know even if you haven't managed anything at all. Either is fine. Don't be alone xx

@DDUW thank you for your kind post. I have almost felt embarrassed to come back because what I posted was the tip of the iceberg really.

I am so so grateful for the posts and read them all and will respond. It’s been a bit overwhelming.

I don’t even have a towel, just a hand towel to dry with. This is because I spilled paint on it a while ago and never got a new one.

My bed hasn’t had sheets on it for weeks. There is clutter everywhere. It doesn’t look dirty but it probably is. I wash up every few days when the smell gets too much. There is post everywhere.

What’s scared me is that when in a relationship, like I was up until recently, I would make my house immaculate. I wouldn’t say me being like this is just because of the break up though, as even then I would work from bed (we didn’t live together) and only tidy and clean when we were together. But it was the total opposite… as in my house was sparkling, tidy, fresh bedding and candles and nice soaps.

I’m upset about the break up but I have lived like this for a while and the break up is just another thing that makes everything seem pointless.

If someone was to see my house I would be mortified. In terms of appearance, I look terrible too, thin, tired, etc.

Last night, after reading this thread, I went for a short walk, ate a proper meal and tidied one room. It made a massive difference. I’ve also put on a nice outfit today and moved my laptop into a different room. It’s very very hard though. I know that sounds so pathetic.

There’s times when I am glossy, glamorous, well dressed, clean and seem very in the driving seat of things. I’m embarrassed but also totally and utterly worn out by life

I’m supposed to go on a date tomorrow and he’s very much looking forward to it (apparently). I just feel numb.

There are times i have been in bed all day working and then it’s got to 6pm and I’ve literally been on my phone scrolling for 3 hours. It’s like a distraction with minimal
effort but a very very toxic one.

@froggy1811

You poor darling soul! 😟

Advice wise, there's not much for me to add, seeing as how you have already received some excellent advice! So try to take portions of it, and follow it like a routine, (routines are so good for depression!) Which is definitely what you are suffering from. While I'm not a clinician, I'm pretty sure this is classic, clinical depression, having suffered on and off with this my entire life!

I have always found that my darkest days are those where I have been isolated from others! In fact, in my past I fared much better when there was a 'nuisance' in my life who forced me to go out and live! Such as guilt tripping me to go out with them - even if blackmail was present! Lol I have learned that when loved ones do this, you may initially fell resentment - but they're doing it for your own good!

One thing you definitely DON'T want to happen, is for people to give up on you! This eventually happened to me, and once it does you feel you have no hope left! So if someone requests to come to your house, allow them to - even if you feel ashamed of your home! And if others are still inviting you out, accept their invitations - even if you feel so slumped that you can't be bothered!

Are you spending much of your time thinking of the past, and longing you could be back there?

@froggy1811 I am always thinking of the past. Also terrified of the future too. Feel very alone and hate not sharing my life with someone

@froggy1811 thank you for posting x

Hey OP - WELL DONE!! You’ve already started to make changes! Wow - keep building on that. So many positive suggestions on this thread to inspire you.

Yesterday I was feeling sluggish and overwhelmed due to an issue that was troubling me. I forced myself to tidy my messy desk. I did so and wandered back in later and the impact it had on my mood, just suddenly seeing that freshly tidy desk, was better than I’d imagined

Keep going, bit by bit.

Well done OP for the advances you’ve made today! That’s brilliant news 😊

Well done OP!

My top tip today (and I have a similar all pr nothing disposition) is to download the M&S app, keep it on your phone for things like new sheets, towels, pants, socks, maybe a new set of pillows too. (And some nice soap?) It is surprising how often you need to order these things so just do it and it'll be done.

@Tyiipp - well done for the small changes you made. Please keep them up. You might slip sometimes, but the aim is to take good care of yourself and your home more often than you neglect them.

Can you lay out a lovely outfit to wear tomorrow for the date? Can you cook an easy very healthy dinner tonight? Do you have time to go and get hair or nails and brows done? Can you spend 15 mins sorting out another small corner of your home and making it look good.

Ok so next task
Buy some towels Asda and dunelm do good ones
Then make your bed

Try not to worry about what you don't have. People in the UK have so much more than they need. One towel is fine actually. Even if you have long hair, you can wash your body at one end of the day and wash your hair at the other once the towel is dry again. The towel can be washed and dried one a week after you've used it first and that's adequate. You can also buy new ones in the supermarket when you go for food, if money isn't a problem.

If you've got sheets put them on your bed. You're worth sheets and bedding.

Aim for something manageable like half hour cleaning/tidying per day split into three 10min bursts. Your home will improve quite quickly and it'll be easy to keep up this sort of routine.

If you're struggling to keep on top of tidying consider whether you need all the things cluttering up you home. Minimalism might suit you better.

I don't know what the clutter is or what your home looks like, but is it because things have nowhere to go and you need more furniture? Bookcases, wardrobes, storage cubes etc can be got cheaply from eBay or Facebook if you have the means to collect or from some furniture shops eg British Heart Foundation charity shop, if you need delivery.

Go on the date just to get out, but think twice about getting into a relationship at the moment. Do you use others as an emotional crutch? The most successful relationships are likely when you've sorted yourself out so you're in a situation where you don't need someone, but you think it's a nice idea.

It's overwhelming when there's so much gone wrong. The trick to sorting it out is to keep things simple day to day. Anything long and complicated can be a project for your days off.

You do sound as though this is more than a usual struggle to cope so you might want to consider seeing your doctor about it. It's good you've made a start though. Sometimes self-help is the best help, so keep investing in yourself. Do what you can and don't beat yourself up about the things you don't manage to do. Tomorrow is another day, another chance to start afresh.

Do you celebrate Christmas? Getting a treyup might boost your mood. Send any cards you want to so you don't feel guilty for not having done it. And buy yourself a Christmas present.

There’s times when I am glossy, glamorous, well dressed, clean and seem very in the driving seat of things. I’m embarrassed but also totally and utterly worn out by life
There are lots of other glossy looking people out there who aren't as together behind the scenes. Both in relationships and out.

Please do sit down and give yourself a cuddle. Literally put your arms round yourself and promise that you're going to look after you. Then treat yourself like you would any other friend who's having a tough time. Make her a cup of tea and try to cheer her up.

And take it slowly with the date. You're vulnerable at the moment and have to make sure no-one takes advantage of that.

*tree

Well done op xx

If you don’t want to go anywhere- try Argos. They do delivery where I am and you could get some towels and bedding if needed and you won’t have to force yourself to venture outside.

I found it too difficult to leave the house this morning but I am forcing myself to pick up the DC with my husband in 30 mins.

I know exactly how you feel but I think you’re doing great to talk about your thoughts and feelings. X

Well done OP, do one thing at a time, tidy one area at a time, rather than thinking “OMG the whole house needs cleaning”.

I was you 5 years ago, split with my dh and felt very lonely on my own. I have to say “I am still single” but through choice, the first year was hard but now I love my single life and at the moment I don’t want to be in a serious relationship. 5 years ago I had no friends, now I have many, I have hobbies, I keep fit and my house is tidy (ish) 🤣.