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This is my life in my 30s, it’s not normal is it?
217

Tyiipp · 02/12/2021 17:31

How do I change?

Wake up, login from bed after not sleeping most of the night/waking up regularly

Work from bed all day, try and eat healthily with some fruit and veg but skip breakfast.

Sometimes drive to the shop at lunch.

House is a mess as nobody sees it.

Weekend I go to meet friends if any are free. I’m often known to stay in bed all day if nobody is free.

Some nights I go to yoga.

I feel like I’m already dead. I hate my life. When in relationships I’m so much more engaged with life, house proud, energetic. I feel awful.

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5128gap · 03/12/2021 14:23

When I felt like this in the past I'd tell myself I was going to be miserable then I might as well be miserable and productive. So I'd force myself to do things that were useful or helpful. A routine is really important, so try making an hour by hour plan for the day, starting with up shower and dress, then fake commute (walk) breakfast etc etc. You might not feel like it, but its not like you're happy in bed all day, so you have nothing to lose.

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Sunshinelover2 · 03/12/2021 14:49

Hi OP,

I really feel for you. I vehemently disagree that it sounds like you ‘just got lazy’ as a previous poster put it (some people have very little compassion and understanding).

You sound a bit depressed. If you can afford it I would recommend going to the BACP website and picking out a therapist.

I’ve had a really hard year, exhibiting some of the behaviours you have too and I’m married! Love my husband to bits but it’s still been a very lonely time over the pandemic WFH.

Maybe your problem is the same as mine, feeling quite lonely and isolated? I used to be always on the go and since the pandemic it’s like my world became so small.

I’m not back to myself entirely yet but I am a lot better. Things that have helped:

Finding a really great therapist
Getting outside the house first thing in the morning, even for five minutes.
Exercise classes (that get you sweaty!)
Walks in nature (as recommended by therapist - they work!)
Booking a one off cleaner (this gives me the impetus to run around and tidy everything away before she gets here!)
Healthy fodmap meal plan
A white board where I put my to do list so I can get dopamine from ticking off tasks as I complete them - providing a small sense of achievement.
Telling friends I’ve been struggling and don’t much enjoy being here anymore - some might be shit but one of them might step up and give you the extra love and support it sounds like you could do with.

I was also recommended to try volunteering somewhere, a library, school or charity, just a few hrs a week. I haven’t done it yet but plan to in the new year.

Good luck OP! It’s a hard time for lots of people at the moment. Let us know how you get on if it helps. Smile

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fumfspos · 03/12/2021 14:54

If you have enough money spare, order yourself some new bedding and a couple of fluffy towels, maybe even a dressing gown. It will make a big difference to how you feel.
You could also buy yourself some candles, nice toiletries etc and perhaps wrap them up for yourself for Christmas.
Love yourself first and treat yourself to something nice.

If you can't afford this put your current bedding in the wash now and get it back on the bed ASAP. Make the first evening back in a bed with sheets nice with a cup of hot chocolate or a cup of tea.
Reward yourself with little things for making little steps to improve the situation.

I do think you should go and see your GP as your update makes me think the situation is more serious than in your OP, it does sound like this could be depression and you probably need some medical help to support you getting out of it.

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HumourReplacementTherapy · 03/12/2021 16:56

I love a timer, give it a go. It's amazing what you can do in a short burst and tell yourself 'well 15 minutes isn't too much to ask'
Then reward - up to you what this is.
I go through phases, hormones/work stress/family stress & various health conditions mean I regularly have bugger all energy or enthusiasm so I'll aim low and build from there Smile

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Tyiipp · 03/12/2021 18:14

One of the things I find really hard is when I’ve gone to yoga I don’t feel massively better and then I feel like everything is doomed.

I got my eyebrows done tonight as someone suggested in this thread. Is it bad I don’t feel better because of it? Should these things be bringing joy into my life? I am worried because I fleetingly enjoy yoga and I fleetingly enjoy eyebrows being done (for example) but I don’t feel I’m enjoying these things like I should. I still feel shit. I’m not sure any of it makes things better and then I start feeling worse

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RaoulDufysCat · 03/12/2021 18:57

Hi @Tyiipp. Well done on starting.

Can you maybe tackle another room tomorrow? It sounds to me that the bedroom may be the place to start. Have you got sheets? If not, can you order some? Most big supermarkets sell this type of thing plus towels. I think this would make you feel loads better. If you already have sheets, how about getting yourself a big bath towel?

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RaoulDufysCat · 03/12/2021 18:58

And yes, of course you still feel shit - because you are depressed I think.

You need to maintain habits for at least a few weeks to start to see and feel the benefits.

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Mangofandangoo · 03/12/2021 19:02

You need to get out of bed - that will help

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Musttryharder2021 · 03/12/2021 19:18

@Tyiipp

One of the things I find really hard is when I’ve gone to yoga I don’t feel massively better and then I feel like everything is doomed.

I got my eyebrows done tonight as someone suggested in this thread. Is it bad I don’t feel better because of it? Should these things be bringing joy into my life? I am worried because I fleetingly enjoy yoga and I fleetingly enjoy eyebrows being done (for example) but I don’t feel I’m enjoying these things like I should. I still feel shit. I’m not sure any of it makes things better and then I start feeling worse

The only real thing that's worked for me is to see people regularly/friends/family etc. It just gets to a point that all of the supposed solitary 'fun' things start to feel like a chore. At one point even a FWB was preferable for me to spending so much time isolated. I need regular human contact.

@Tyiipp
Do you see your family/friends often??
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hivemindneeded · 03/12/2021 19:29

@Tyiipp

One of the things I find really hard is when I’ve gone to yoga I don’t feel massively better and then I feel like everything is doomed.

I got my eyebrows done tonight as someone suggested in this thread. Is it bad I don’t feel better because of it? Should these things be bringing joy into my life? I am worried because I fleetingly enjoy yoga and I fleetingly enjoy eyebrows being done (for example) but I don’t feel I’m enjoying these things like I should. I still feel shit. I’m not sure any of it makes things better and then I start feeling worse

I used to feel the same as you and then suddenly realised - these small things don't 'cure' you, they don;t make you feel better afterwards. The point of them is that they make you feel a bit better during them. And if you start to pack more and more of them into your life, you tip the balance towards lots of tiny feel good moments and away from the constant fog of low mood and lethargy and indifference.

I just kept at it, adding lots of tiny things into each day that gave me a little bit of a lift out of the rut until one day I realised that I'd been happy for days and couldn't remember when I last felt lethargic.

The trick is to stitch together all the small things that make you feel better during them and not care at all if you don;t feel better after them.

So yoga, followed by journey home listening to your favourite music, followed by a bath or shower washing in your favourite scent of bath gel, followed by your cosiest PJs and a healthy dinner while watching reruns of your favourite comedy, followed by a quick look at the night sky: moon, stars, listen for owls etc, then maybe 15 minutes night meditation (Jason Stephenson has a lovely soothing voice) and write in a gratitude journal three things you enjoyed or were glad of (even just very slightly) that day.

Keep doing that sort of thing as often as you can - bit of yoga, bit of nature, bit of comedy, bit of favourite music, bit of seeing caring friends etc and gradually you come back to life.
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hivemindneeded · 03/12/2021 19:33

I am worried because I fleetingly enjoy yoga and I fleetingly enjoy eyebrows being done (for example) but I don’t feel I’m enjoying these things like I should. I still feel shit. I’m not sure any of it makes things better and then I start feeling worse

That thought pattern is so familiar to me. But there's no should about it. Even a fleeting uplift is better than none. Try instead of feeling worse about not enjoying them more than you did, saying to yourself, very gently: well, I fleetingly enjoyed that a little bit, which is better than nothing. i am making progress.

One thing I did was keep trying new stuff and keeping a diary to see which things gave more fleeting joy than others, then did them again. Tried zumba - hated it. Never went again. Tried weight lifting - liked it. Kept going. Now I love it and look forward to it.

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DukeofEarlGrey · 03/12/2021 20:55

OP, is this a lifelong pattern for you or has it been mostly during the pandemic? It sounds like isolation is the main cause and if you have been living alone during that time it's been a long almost two years now and very corrosive. I live alone and have been really surprised by how my mental and physical health have declined. You can turn it around though and there are lots of good suggestions here.

One thing I would say is that you can take positive steps without feeling good and still reap the benefits - the practical changes (tidying up, putting sheets on your bed, buying a towel) are all laying the groundwork for the increased wellbeing that will follow. And you don't need to feel super happy all the time - aiming to end the day in a slightly better position than you started it is a good first goal.

Also, do you actually care about things like getting your eyebrows done? I know any kind of beauty treatment gets labelled 'self care' but there's a lot of underlying sexism in that idea. What do you actually enjoy? Walking? Browsing a bookshop? Team sports? Feel free to do what you enjoy and ditch what you don't.

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5128gap · 03/12/2021 21:04

@Tyiipp

One of the things I find really hard is when I’ve gone to yoga I don’t feel massively better and then I feel like everything is doomed.

I got my eyebrows done tonight as someone suggested in this thread. Is it bad I don’t feel better because of it? Should these things be bringing joy into my life? I am worried because I fleetingly enjoy yoga and I fleetingly enjoy eyebrows being done (for example) but I don’t feel I’m enjoying these things like I should. I still feel shit. I’m not sure any of it makes things better and then I start feeling worse

When you feel as down as you do OP these things are not going to be a magic bullet. Don't add to your stress by feeling pressure to enjoy them. Just know they are good for you and keep doing them anyway. Hopefully there will eventually be a cumulative effect. But if it drags on, a trip to the GP might be in order.
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Pixiedust138 · 03/12/2021 21:15

You sound depressed, definitely contact your GP for a chat. One of my biggest symptoms I notice is that I stop looking after myself and my home. Not wanting to get dressed, brush my teeth, shower etc. I end up not doing any washing, the washing up piles up etc.

Getting dressed and ready for the day is so important to get you into a routine. You could try doing a fake commute. So you wake up, get dressed and ready for the day, leave the house and go for a 10-15 minute walk and then come back and log onto your laptop. Even better if you can work from a room other than your bedroom or living area. Do the same thing at the end of the day after you log off your laptop and then move to a different room.

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Tyiipp · 03/12/2021 23:02

Going to yoga tonight made a big difference. How do I keep it all up? I’m so scared I’m going to break again. I have very low moments. Already tomorrow I’ve no idea if I will wake up at 3am panicking.

This thread has been a HUGE source of support. It’s making me cry reading all the advice, I’ve noted some down in a notebook. It’s so hard to do this alone, bed, breakfast, work, dinner, repeat…all alone.

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NataliaSerene · 03/12/2021 23:04

One day at a time. Set simple goals you can meet. When you screw up just get back at it. Be way with yourself. Write down the goals and check them off, and make a mental note of how it makes you feel to accomplish each goal.

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NataliaSerene · 03/12/2021 23:06

Nighttime panic is common. Make a list of things you can do to sooth yourself when it comes. Also, drink a big glass of water if you wake up. Do you pray? That’s what I do when I wake up scared or upset.

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SpringCrocus · 03/12/2021 23:58

I have Headspace and Calm apps on my phone and plug myself into them at bedtime. Even if you can't sleep, if you listen to them you are relaxing x

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Beachgirl33 · 04/12/2021 00:29

Hi you sound depressed OP First thing I would do is book an appt with your GP for a bit of an MOT. You mention you’re too thin and not being eating well. Could you be anaemic too? I’m also thinking maybe some vitamin d might help.

You’ve made a good start by talking on here. You’ve done a couple of things too. In time all of these small changes will help you get back on track.

What’s your finances like? Could you get someone in to do a one off clean. Get your place all sparkly. Clean bedding etc. That might help. If finances allow get some new towels. Try and think about self care. As others have said. Make small changes. Put fresh bedding on. I think physically getting out of bed for work will help you. Even if it’s just as far as the sofa Flowers

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RaoulDufysCat · 04/12/2021 00:34

Could you write yourself a timetable?

And please get yourself some comfortable bedding. It will really help.

Lots of love to you. I think you need some.

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Jk24 · 04/12/2021 00:38

You already sound more upbeat op. You need to remember you're not doing things for anyone but yourself. And yourself is more of a reason to have your eyebrows done than any other. Now, please use your next step to get some bedding on your bed... you will sleep so much better!

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me4real · 04/12/2021 00:42

I'm sure meds will help your state of mind, as you really do seem down. Not feeling much pleasure is another symptom of depression.
If one doesn't help as much as you'd like, then go back and try another until they find one that hits the spot.

I'm working on my sleep habits myself. Doing everything except sleep in the front room has helped a bit, but mainly I need to tell myself it's bedtime and stick to it rather than stay up online. I bought a non-smart telly and will maybe watch that for an hour to wind down before bed.

Going to yoga tonight made a big difference. How do I keep it all up? I’m so scared I’m going to break again.

If you do skip something one day then just get back on the wagon the next. Having a slip up is a normal part of changing our habits, rather than a catastrophe.

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Stitch9191 · 04/12/2021 01:03

I agree with everyone that says pick one thing a week to build into a 'routine' and slowly you will start to form boundaries for yourself. Sometimes the boundaries will slip and you will have a 'lazy' week or two but soon enough you will recognise the feeling you have now and start putting them back in place. Also with the house, I found that if I did 1 x work job then 1 x house job that by the end of the day it was lovely and tidy and I could relax. A long walk every day also helps but that's quite a tough one to get into a routine with x

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me4real · 04/12/2021 01:13

A long walk every day also helps but that's quite a tough one to get into a routine with x

@Kirst26 @Stitch9191 Pokemon Go. Smile M ex got me into it. It makes walking so much less boring.

Do you sometimes do a class more energetic than yoga OP? (sorry I haven't RTFT.) An aerobics class or Les Mills (Body- as a prefix) or something? Cardio classes have a different effect and can be fairly fun, with music etc.

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FlowerArranger · 04/12/2021 01:23

@Tyiipp

Going to yoga tonight made a big difference. How do I keep it all up? I’m so scared I’m going to break again. I have very low moments. Already tomorrow I’ve no idea if I will wake up at 3am panicking.

This thread has been a HUGE source of support. It’s making me cry reading all the advice, I’ve noted some down in a notebook. It’s so hard to do this alone, bed, breakfast, work, dinner, repeat…all alone.

Could you try some YouTube workouts, for instance Lucy Wyndham Read or Growingannanas? Even if you do only 15-20 minutes or so in the morning, it'll change your whole outlook for the rest of the day
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