This is my life in my 30s, it’s not normal is it?

[Tyiipp]

How do I change?

Wake up, login from bed after not sleeping most of the night/waking up regularly

Work from bed all day, try and eat healthily with some fruit and veg but skip breakfast.

Sometimes drive to the shop at lunch.

House is a mess as nobody sees it.

Weekend I go to meet friends if any are free. I’m often known to stay in bed all day if nobody is free.

Some nights I go to yoga.

I feel like I’m already dead. I hate my life. When in relationships I’m so much more engaged with life, house proud, energetic. I feel awful.

I also work from home and don't see anyone for days. But I make myself get up and do some weights and stretching in the living room whatever else I do and that kick starts the day.

Then I usually fancy going for a jog before showering and working in the kitchen. And have a walk at lunch.

(I am crap at wearing nice clothes though, live in awful jogging bottoms and never do my hair or make up).

But without doing the morning weights which get me going I think I would also stay in bed. So you just need one piece of self discipline first thing and the rest will follow.

There's an app called 'fabulous'. It's not free but it's amazing. It's all about building tiny life improving habits, slowly and sustainably. It's seriously revolutionised my life. Have a look, I think there's a one or two week free trial.

You just need one piece of self discipline first thing and the rest will follow

I agree, I have struggled with depression too and this is good advice. If you can bring yourself to start the day off by doing just one positive thing for yourself, it tends to set you up for the day, even if it's something very small.

Just go for a short walk, or even have a shower and stretch a little if you don't want to go out, and you will feel you've done something good for yourself, it will put you in a better frame of mind.

If you can't do these small things then it is time to think about seeing the GP, because that is not a normal level of functioning and you may need some extra support.

If you work from home you really need to have different spaces for work and relaxation. Working in bed is really not conducive to either work or sleep.

Ok this is my personal reccomendation and may not apply to everyone but my absolute sanity saver whem I'm WFH is...lane swimming. First thing in the morning if possible. I'm lucky to have a pool nearby obviously. There's something about the combination of hard exercise, going from dry to wet and back again, and the temperature changes that is really really anti-depressive. There have even been studies suggesting that open water swimming is better than anti-depressants. (I do live by the beach but its too cold at this time of year plus whilst I'm a good swimmer, the tides are something else). Maybe it won't be swimming for you but I do recommend a hard exercise followed by a shower, seriously. Even if you think you're not an exercise person. I'm not. But this is the one thing that really works for me.

@Tyiipp

I don’t know how to get routine anymore. I feel like my life is lost *@Fidgety31* where do I start? I don’t have to go into work and I literally lie in my night clothes all day. Some days I have a quick rinse and don’t even wash as I don’t see anyone. I’m so miserable

Start by doing two things:

1. Wash. Just go and do it now before you read any more of this post.

Done? Great!

2. Even if it's only for an hour out of the day, try to get out of your bed. You can still spend 23 hours in bed. Just one hour to start with, don't be in bed for that hour. Work from a chair/ table/ whatever set up you have, for an hour. Then build from there.

This isn't about doing things because you have to or to look OK to other people, it's about looking after yourself, and being genuinely OK.

aWe don't only do self-care when other people can see us, we do it all the time, because otherwise we fall into depression spirals. Self care isn't just a front for other people - it's essential even if you are on your own.

Working from home does require self discipline and if you are really struggling, maybe you need a different job that requires you to go out of the house.

If you find you cannot do this, you need to see your GP about your mental health.

@Tyiipp in excited for you. I can see how life has become a sludge but there are some great suggestions on here and with some not too difficult steps you can turn things around. I really hope you take courage from this and let us know how you get on.

I agree that you do sound depressed, so seeing your doctor about that should be a first step. But, we do know that some lifestyle factors make depression more likely, and some things help, and what you have described of your life is definitely not going to help. Try and get out in some fresh air and greenery every day. Can you try and go for a walk at lunchtime, or before you login for work in the morning? Being around others and having a sense of purpose and being part of a community has been shown to be really beneficial too. You say you spend the day in bed if you're not seeing friends, so could you do something in your community instead? Something like volunteering might really really help I think, even if it's just an hour a week in a Foodbank or something like that, or even better helping clean up or litter pick in a local park, as that's outside in nature too so it's doubly good for you. Most parks have Friends groups where activities are organised. Just doing something worthwhile with other people in your community has been shown to be very beneficial for mental health. Maybe join a choir (even if you can't sing), or a dance class, as all those things are very uplifting. As much as I personally love Yoga, I don't think it's the best activity to help you feel better. Yes it's very good for stress and relaxation, but you don't sound stressed you sound depressed, so something more uplifting and active, involving more interaction with other people, is more likely to be helpful.

You need to stop working in bed. I’m not being judgmental as it’s a very easy pattern to get into, BUT: Get up and get dressed.
I had a period of illness some time ago and now hate being in bed or wearing pyjamas during the day it has a very strong negative psychological effect on me.
As other people have said up thread leave your bed for sleeping.

Why aren't you working? Is it a covid WFH thing? It may be worth asking if you can go back to the office, at least for a couple of days or so a week. Some places allow people to go into the office for "mental health" if they are home alone all day, might help inject some routine and give you a bit more human contact.

I was also depressed, alone and isolated when wfh. My biggest issues were severe lack of meaningful interactions. It had nothing to do with not having a routine : I was just so isolated, it was awful.

I now have a child (IVF with a sperm donor) as I realised that without a family - mine isn't nearby - life was just turning into a series of admin tasks/work. I didn't need more activities or routine, I needed han contact/touch/purpose outside the home routines.

*more

Op I’m so sorry you feel like this and you are getting no pleasure from life. I honestly think you are depressed. Please make an appointment to tell a doctor exactly (no fancy version, the bald truth) what you have said here. Another poster upthread described the feelings of depression as a ‘dead woman walking’ and they are so accurate. Depression isn’t just sadness it’s a ‘flat lining’ awful feeling if no mojo or interest in anything and just getting out of bed feels like climbing Everest.
It’s great that you have faced it and seen that your life and feelings are not what they should be, this is the first step on the road to feeling better and getting the life you want. Honestly OP, being brave enough to speak out and get help will change your life. Tell people in real life how you feel, your workplace might have counsellors to help you. You’ve reached out here which is very brave indeed, but if the only thing you do for yourself today is call a doctor you have done yourself a massive favour. Hang in there and get help, things can and will change. Sending love X

Is there a co-working space in your area?

Probably best not to start there till we're past this current covid wave, but you could find out what's available now.

We have a great co working space in my town. It makes such a difference to get up and go somewhere to work. It helps with leaving work, at work, too, and not having it spill out into the rest of my time.

The price will depend on how many days you go and the price of rent in your town, but the one in my town is surprisingly affordable, especially if you only go a couple of days a week, and even a couple of regular days makes a big difference in my opinion.

@43leftfeet

Is there a co-working space in your area?

Probably best not to start there till we're past this current covid wave, but you could find out what's available now.

We have a great co working space in my town. It makes such a difference to get up and go somewhere to work. It helps with leaving work, at work, too, and not having it spill out into the rest of my time.

The price will depend on how many days you go and the price of rent in your town, but the one in my town is surprisingly affordable, especially if you only go a couple of days a week, and even a couple of regular days makes a big difference in my opinion.

Do you find the same dense of fulfillment by being around your colleagues as you would if you had a partner/family/family not your own.

I still found the isolation crippling. After all it's just work and work colleagues, and nobody cared about how I was feeling... Why would they?

OP this definitely sounds like depression. Calling it laziness is not helpful, that just feeds the self loathing. Everyone is right about routine though. You need to add in some daily activities that help lift your mood but which require no mental effort because that’s just the normal routine. Is it affordable for you to go and get a take-away coffee every morning ? Preferably on foot or park your car a little distance away so that you get a little exercise. If you’re job allows it could you work from the café for the first couple of hours? The yoga is good. Keep doing that. Have you got any friends who would up for a regular activity ? Like a walk or swim together every Saturday morning/Thursday evening ? This would be especially great if you then add on time for a coffee and a natter afterwards - the real human interaction part. Invite friends over to your house once in a while to give you the motivation to clean!

Definitely join some clubs or activities! It will get you out of the house when you're not working and also give you chances to socialise with people you wouldn't otherwise meet, as well as feeling like you are working towards achieving something. My main hobby is horse riding but I also do things like photography (and photography lessons), crafting workshops at a local haberdashery, wreath making workshop for Christmas etc. Running is a good one too - you can work up the distance over time, join a running club, sign up for events etc.

Other people's advice of changing one thing at a time is great too. And definitely set up a desk in a separate room if possible, to separate your relaxation and work spaces.

OP, are you up? Get up now if not, even if you’ve started work, quickly get up and have a v quick shower and put something else on.

OP, get yourself an appointment with your GP.

Not washing is a clear sign of depression. You might not be able to change things without a bit of help and that's OK.

You have posted on here because you recognise things aren't how you would like them to be and you would like things to change which is a big step, we'll done.

Call your GP.

I just wanted to say that i hated having to go to the office everyday, didn't find work colleagues much company, some of them toxic, actually I hate the office regimented routine. but now struggle WFH.

Really feel for you op. I've been working from home and couldn't do any exercise for months due to an injury. I've had a good couple months of spiralling into despair, waking up at night because of anxiety/lack of movement etc. I've recently been able to do some exercise again and the impact on my mental health has been huge. You really, really need to get outside, just go for a walk or have a little workout at home or something. Can you take any holiday from work, would that help? Like if you blocked out a few days just to focus on tidying the house, going on walks, meeting up with friends etc? Just as a chance to 'restart' yourself? I found the house being a state was just a massive trigger for my anxiety (I mean, it's still a state, but at least it's relatively clean now!). You're not sleeping well because you're not moving much, I'd probably start there and everything else should hopefully follow.

Sounds like depression rather than being lazy, sounds like your stuck in a rut. You need to sort out a routine, maybe get a hobby or two, join the gym, go for a walk or swim before working? For me the morning is the most important time, if I don’t exercise or do house work as soon as I get up I end up struggling for the rest of the day. Get up, get showered, dressed go for a walk/swim/gym then work.

Your answers are in your question. You know what you're not doing.

Get out of bed, get ready for the day, work somewhere other than bed.

Get outside every day, even just for a 20 min walk.

The rest will follow.

Also consider that healthiness vs lethargy verging into mild depression is an act of doing, not a way of being or an external force that visits itself upon you.

You are what you do. Not what you think or how you feel.

Theres some really fabulous advice here. I too have been WFH since March of last year and have put some measures in place for my own sanity. If you arent careful then you feel like you are living at work, not working from home.

My house is very small with no space for a proper desk. I work on the sofa but using one of those desk things that you can sit with your legs out under (a bit like for eating on in a hospital bed!). I put everything away at the end of the work day, its part of the boundaries - getting it out in the morning and putting it away at the end of the day really helps. As an insomniac, I couldnt work from my bed. I would probably work on the bedroom floor in a pile of cushions if that was the only option!

I cant face food early so I use it as an opportunity to take a quick break during the morning to make some scrambled eggs, fried egg on toast, porridge, cereal etc.

Fresh air is vital for me so unless it is absolutely freezing, I have the door open (for the dog!) pretty much all day long and a window open if not. I like to light a scented candle or have a wax melt going while I am working, I only light it during work time to again help to demarcate work time and home time.

I dont smoke and therefore get regular breaks from my workspace so I write a little schedule of my day first thing and factor in my calls etc for the day and then work out when I will take short breaks. You arent tied to the desk all day long when you are in the office so you shouldnt be at home either. During those breaks, I might have a quick stretch, give the bathroom a very quick wipe down, wash the dishes up and put them away after lunch, step outside for some fresh air etc.

I make extra at tea and have it for lunch the next day (I have always done that, even while in the office). No time spent preparing and no having to think about what to make.

After work I hoover the living room. Dont laugh, I have a very sheddy dog and without it my grey carpet looks whiteish (dont be jealous). It makes the room looked better but also makes me think that the working day is over now it is a habit. I then take the dog out but with no dog I would wrap up and head out anyway. I love it when it is windy the best, I literally feel like it is blowing the day away :)

I like to bath/shower at the end of the day rather than the morning but that can form part of your routine too.

I HATE cleaning if I am honest but I love having a clean house so each day when I hoover the living room I also do something else such as a quick dust, or a hoover upstairs etc. It helps me keep on top of things.

Try reading 'The Miracle Morning', its supposed to be really good :)

Get up, go for a walk, even a short one to fully wake, eat and set up a desk away from your bed.
Lunchtime go out for some fresh air.
Have a plan and clean your home. Don't just be proud for relationships to see your home, make it for you to be proud. Doesn't have to be spotless, just clean.
Set some aims, what would you like to work towards?