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Original poster

DH - big career/money issues. I feel done.

216 replies

birdonawire123 · 30/11/2021 13:48

Namechanged as possibly outing. I could really use advice from anyone who has experienced similar or could offer advice.

DH and I have been together a long time. Broadly, happily married. 4 kids. Pre DC, DH was always the higher earner working in a more lucrative industry. Sadly, about 15 years ago my father died (mum died when I was a teen) and I inherited a fairly sizeable amount. The inheritance meant that I could quit work when the DC were little and then retrain when they got to school, which brings us up to now.

Unfortunately, DH's career seems to have been on a nosedive for the past decade. Some of it isn't his fault (his industry was hit by the pandemic, for example), but some of it is. In the past he's quit a couple of jobs (safe in the knowledge that we have enough savings to cover mortgage etc), and made several bad decisions when it comes to work.

We are now reeling on the back of yet more bad news - the company he is currently working for has financial issues and can't afford to raise his salary as they initially promised. He's working for less than he should be already, and might actually be out of a job altogether in the new year, so looks like we'll be dipping YET AGAIN into savings to cover costs. Again, this isn't entirely his fault that the company is going up the creek , but it's massively worrying. He's not in a sector where he can easily find another well paid role, either. So again, we might be looking at several months on just my small income. Obviously, DH is incredibly stressed right now and taking his anger out on me (any conversation about the outlook for him ends with him shouting at me and telling me I'm not supportive).

Problem is, I've long since stopped feeling supportive...I actually just feel furious and annoyed. I wanted to save the inheritance for our DC and their future, not spend it on ourselves because we can't cover our own costs. If I knew things were going to turn out this way then I'd never have given up work and effectively started a new career myself (which DH encouraged me to do).

I know that no-one is dying. I know he's not abusive or having an affair or anything catastrophic. In many ways I have a lot to be grateful for. But I feel like I'm at a point where the resentment is eating me up and I've lost respect for him. Also sick of scrimping and saving and having him take his work stress out on me. Has anyone been in a similar position and come back from it?

OP posts:
Original poster
birdonawire123 · 30/11/2021 13:50

Sorry that was so long. Sad

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 30/11/2021 14:10

But this isn't his fault? And you have savings to tide you over? I don't really understand why you wouldn't be supportive. Obviously, he shouldn't be shouting at you, but I totally understand why he's upset that you're not supportive.

I don't really see what the issue is? It seems like you just don't want to spend your money, but that's the way it works! You BOTH need to look for better paid jobs if you want to retain some of your savings, but ultimately you are in a fortunate position to have them, and to be able to ride this storm!

S2617 · 30/11/2021 14:25

How unbelievably selfish of you. The money is not yours, it’s your families money. So what you can’t save it for your children? You use it for life and this is one of those times.

Beyond a joke that you love to stay home when he is working and raise children yet when going gets tough it’s oh my money.

Get a grip.

Original poster
birdonawire123 · 30/11/2021 14:27

@mrsm43s - I have been very supportive in the past. I've supported him through quitting jobs without new ones to go to and supported the many months without him earning anything whatsoever, supported him taking roles where the salaries weren't great.

Ultimately though, he wouldn't have been able to make those decisions had we not had these savings. Yes, of course the savings are shared, but it's beginning to feel like he's taken advantage of our position enormously, and I'm sick of all the stress.

OP posts:
MooseBeTimeForSnow · 30/11/2021 14:30

But if you separate he’s entitled to half of what’s left.

Levithian · 30/11/2021 14:30

It depends. Do you feel he's doing everything he can to put himself in the best position regarding his career? I can understand your frustration if you think he considers the inheritance as a reason not to try...

Branleuse · 30/11/2021 14:32

Can you go back to work?

dreamingbohemian · 30/11/2021 14:35

It's not clear what your current work situation is -- are you working? studying?

If his career started nosediving years ago, it would have been better to get back into work sooner.

I think it's fair enough that you're frustrated and resentful, but what do you think is the best solution right now?

Original poster
birdonawire123 · 30/11/2021 14:35

@S2617 - god, why the aggression? It's not about a 'my money' attitude at all. It's about DH making bad decision after bad decision when it comes to work and it affecting OUR money. You say it's 'one of those times' but what's making me upset is that it's been 'one of those times' for about ten years, on and off.

And DH strongly encouraged me to give up work when the kids were small, with the understanding that his salary was solid and would only continue to increase. That was stupid of me, yes - but that's the position we were in at the time.

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 30/11/2021 14:36

Confused by the responses as OP made it clear he has made several bad decisions and quit jobs, he hasn't just had a string of bad luck. He's obviously used the savings as his own account to support him fucking around, rather than using it for everyone or the kids future.

I would look at decreasing your outgoings and increasing your earning potential so that if he does take a lower-paid job, it's ok.

Lostthetastefordahlias · 30/11/2021 14:36

It seems like you have also been able to take advantage of the financial situation of your family to do what you want to do, i.e. not work while DC were small and then retrain - or does it not feel that way to you? Should DH not also have that advantage?
I can’t quite understand your perspective here - it seems like something is missing from the story? Is there other reasons for resentment apart from his career not being quite what you hoped it would be?

happinesscherries · 30/11/2021 14:39

You can be frustrated, but you're entirely selfish and unreasonable and do not look good in this.

YOU supported all decisions about changing jobs in the past, just like he supported you when you wanted to. Things were fine, YOU jointly made those decisions. You don't get to then bring it up now, years down the line, when it is absolutely not his fault he is in this position.

The safety net is there for a reason. The kids don't need it, it'll do them good to earn for themselves anyway.

Start being a loving and supporting wife, then he may feel more encouraged and optimistic about the future.

drpet49 · 30/11/2021 14:39

** How unbelievably selfish of you. The money is not yours, it’s your families money. So what you can’t save it for your children? You use it for life and this is one of those times.

Beyond a joke that you love to stay home when he is working and raise children yet when going gets tough it’s oh my money.

Get a grip.**

^This

Josette77 · 30/11/2021 14:39

Why can't you go back to work now?

DaisyNGO · 30/11/2021 14:40

@Lostthetastefordahlias

It seems like you have also been able to take advantage of the financial situation of your family to do what you want to do, i.e. not work while DC were small and then retrain - or does it not feel that way to you? Should DH not also have that advantage? I can’t quite understand your perspective here - it seems like something is missing from the story? Is there other reasons for resentment apart from his career not being quite what you hoped it would be?
Same here.
0606len · 30/11/2021 14:43

Hi Op
Can’t you use the savings to pay off any mortgage or towards the mortgage to make repayments lower to tide you through this downturn in his fortunes? That way, your children still have an inheritance and the pressure is taken off both of you for a bit? And talk to him about his decision making etc

AnneElliott · 30/11/2021 14:43

I don't get why the op is being called selfish? It seems like the DH has made rubbish decisions safe in the knowledge that there's savings to fall back on.

But why should b he get to make bad decisions or walk out of jobs? That's not an adult response surely?

MrsBison · 30/11/2021 14:44

You sound selfish.

Catcrazy83 · 30/11/2021 14:44

If the crux is the savings are being spent when you want them for the DC then why don’t you put the money in a trust for the DC now. That way they won’t be available

CrimbleCrumble1 · 30/11/2021 14:44

Did you actually retrain, I wasn’t sure from
Your post?

Original poster
birdonawire123 · 30/11/2021 14:45

@dreamingbohemian - I am working. I retrained so I am fairly low earning in my field but doing all I can to increase that.

In terms of DH work - I guess every time things have 'gone wrong' we've dipped into savings to cover ourselves, DH picked up the pieces and eventually found new work/some stability. The issue is that it's happened several times now, our savings aren't endless. It's now looking like he's facing this again and I am so sick of it.

I know that no-one can come on here and make that situation better. But what I really need advice on is how I get past resenting him for creating all this stress?

OP posts:
grapewine · 30/11/2021 14:48

What good are savings for the children in the future, if their stability in life is in jeopardy now? Savings are there to help when needed.

You do come over pretty selfish. You've been able to stay at home while he worked, so maybe you should look at going back to work and helping out with covering the costs now. Seems fair enough.

Whatevernext33 · 30/11/2021 14:49

When you say " In the past he's quit a couple of jobs (safe in the knowledge that we have enough savings to cover mortgage etc), and made several bad decisions when it comes to work."
Were these decisions discussed and made together? Because that would be my beef?
I would feel resentment if I felt it hadn't been properly considered and whole family impact considered.
Does your H feel the same about the inheritance being for the kids etc? I'm only asking as you both have to be on the same page about big stuff. Lord knows it's really difficult! A sit down and honest talk about goals going forward would be my suggestion, with a plan (A,B and maybe C?)

grapewine · 30/11/2021 14:49

Sorry. Crosspost with saying you work.

0606len · 30/11/2021 14:52

Sorry Op, maybe you don’t have as much in savings as I assumed if you used them to retrain etc.
Financial issues do cause an awful lot of stress within a relationship. You need to discuss with him by setting out why you’re stressed and suggest ways he can try to make things better. Maybe write it down and let him read it and respond after a bit of thinking time. Sometimes this works better than spitting it out in a fury of rage and frustration.