DH - big career/money issues. I feel done.

[birdonawire123]

Namechanged as possibly outing. I could really use advice from anyone who has experienced similar or could offer advice.

DH and I have been together a long time. Broadly, happily married. 4 kids. Pre DC, DH was always the higher earner working in a more lucrative industry. Sadly, about 15 years ago my father died (mum died when I was a teen) and I inherited a fairly sizeable amount. The inheritance meant that I could quit work when the DC were little and then retrain when they got to school, which brings us up to now.

Unfortunately, DH's career seems to have been on a nosedive for the past decade. Some of it isn't his fault (his industry was hit by the pandemic, for example), but some of it is. In the past he's quit a couple of jobs (safe in the knowledge that we have enough savings to cover mortgage etc), and made several bad decisions when it comes to work.

We are now reeling on the back of yet more bad news - the company he is currently working for has financial issues and can't afford to raise his salary as they initially promised. He's working for less than he should be already, and might actually be out of a job altogether in the new year, so looks like we'll be dipping YET AGAIN into savings to cover costs. Again, this isn't entirely his fault that the company is going up the creek , but it's massively worrying. He's not in a sector where he can easily find another well paid role, either. So again, we might be looking at several months on just my small income. Obviously, DH is incredibly stressed right now and taking his anger out on me (any conversation about the outlook for him ends with him shouting at me and telling me I'm not supportive).

Problem is, I've long since stopped feeling supportive...I actually just feel furious and annoyed. I wanted to save the inheritance for our DC and their future, not spend it on ourselves because we can't cover our own costs. If I knew things were going to turn out this way then I'd never have given up work and effectively started a new career myself (which DH encouraged me to do).

I know that no-one is dying. I know he's not abusive or having an affair or anything catastrophic. In many ways I have a lot to be grateful for. But I feel like I'm at a point where the resentment is eating me up and I've lost respect for him. Also sick of scrimping and saving and having him take his work stress out on me. Has anyone been in a similar position and come back from it?

But previously, you've been happy for your DH to support you, "DH was always the higher earner working in a more lucrative industry" (from your OP). So he had more money than you, and it was "family money", right? And used to support the family, right?

Forgetting any things that may have happened in the past (because it seems like both of you have used your inheritance to support decisions which have not been financial advantageous for the family - your retraining into a lower paid job (despite already being the lower earner), him choosing to leave jobs before the next one is lined up).

Right now, through no fault of his own (from your OP "the company he is currently working for has financial issues and can't afford to raise his salary as they initially promised. He's working for less than he should be already, and might actually be out of a job altogether in the new year" - none of that is his fault!), he is facing a difficult situation. You have the financial means to ease the worry. But you resent this! Because you consider your money to be yours rather than family money, and you seem to think that he must support the family with a high paying job, where as you can choose a lower paying job.

That is what is not fair. He has supported you when you needed it. When you were the lower earner. When you wanted to retrain to a yet lower paying career. Now it is your turn to support him, you resent it. Why should the support not work both ways?

He has no more responsibility to be the higher earner than you do. And certainly not so that you can hoard your inheritance to yourself rather than seeing it as the family money that it is, that can support your family through this difficult time.

@AnneElliott

I don't get why the op is being called selfish? It seems like the DH has made rubbish decisions safe in the knowledge that there's savings to fall back on.

But why should b he get to make bad decisions or walk out of jobs? That's not an adult response surely?

I agree with this. OP saw the inheritance as a chance to make things better for the family, spend time with the kids while young, retrain etc while her dp has seen it as enabling him to quit jobs, make rubbish choices etc knowing he had a fallback. I think that wasn't part of the plan.

* He has supported you when you needed it. When you were the lower earner. When you wanted to retrain to a yet lower paying career. Now it is your turn to support him, you resent it. Why should the support not work both ways?*

^This

I am confused how the family is now I a better position with the op using that money retraining for a low earning job.

Had op made a different choice to retraining in something that was higher earning, then money wouldn't be such an issue

It appears that there's been things out of both if their control AND poor decisions on both sides.

To me, it appears op views this as her money. And also judges her husband because he doesn't earn as much as her high earning friends......when she isn't earning much either.

Honestly I don’t know why some posters are giving you such a hard time, other than the fact that there seems to be a trend for kicking OP’s when they’re down. Maybe it makes them feel better, I don’t know.
Anyway, having been married to a good man for a very long time, who 110% put his family first, I truly think you are not being unreasonable, you are trying to be sensible with your resources and his behaving like a prima donna is beyond unhelpful.
Wasting money and the opportunities it offers is galling, and he needs to grow up.
I don’t know what advice to offer, other than to draw a line with regard to what is acceptable and what is totally unreasonable.

Hasn't he had several turns at being supported by now?

I think it's probably time both of you accepted that for the kind of financial stability you really want, you will have to both let go of the idea of jobs you would like to be doing, and take whatever is available and will bring in more cash, or as much as you can so that you can minimise the use you make of the savings.

How willing is he to cut back on treats and personal indulgence spends? Those should really go now. I get that his company's position is not his fault as an individual, but every day people lose jobs through no fault of their own and, however unfair it might be, have to give things up and cut their spending to get by. Or take jobs they don't really like. What's his attitude to all that?

@Darkpheonix

I am confused how the family is now I a better position with the op using that money retraining for a low earning job.

Had op made a different choice to retraining in something that was higher earning, then money wouldn't be such an issue

It appears that there's been things out of both if their control AND poor decisions on both sides.

To me, it appears op views this as her money. And also judges her husband because he doesn't earn as much as her high earning friends......when she isn't earning much either.

This!

What did you retrain as, @birdonawire123 and what are you earning now?

@TomelettewithGreggs - I do get that high earnings come with a price. We've got friends who are lawyers or work in finance and earn huge salaries - that's never been what I expected from DH. What I did expect was that we would make impactful decisions jointly, that he would always be truthful with me, and that I could trust him when he reassured me on our future outlook. Unfortunately he's failed to do those things several times now...and I'm just not sure I can get beyond it.

'OP saw the inheritance as a chance to make things better for the family, spend time with the kids while young, retrain etc while her dp has seen it as enabling him to quit jobs, make rubbish choices etc knowing he had a fallback. I think that wasn't part of the plan.'

• THIS. Thank you, this is exactly it.

@drpet49

* He has supported you when you needed it. When you were the lower earner. When you wanted to retrain to a yet lower paying career. Now it is your turn to support him, you resent it. Why should the support not work both ways?*

^This

As @WinterSunglasses, the inheritance has been used to support her DH's job changes multiple times. If the current situation was a one-off, company's not doing well and it can't be helped, the OP wouldn't be so concerned. But they've been dipping into it for years.

I agree that the OP needs to step up her earning potential as well, but it sounds as if they made an agreement that her DH would be the higher earner while she did most of the legwork for four children at home.

[quote birdonawire123]@TomelettewithGreggs - I do get that high earnings come with a price. We've got friends who are lawyers or work in finance and earn huge salaries - that's never been what I expected from DH. What I did expect was that we would make impactful decisions jointly, that he would always be truthful with me, and that I could trust him when he reassured me on our future outlook. Unfortunately he's failed to do those things several times now...and I'm just not sure I can get beyond it.[/quote]
So it's not the money or the savings or anything to do with you being envious of high earning friends.

Its because he has lost your trust?

OP, forgetting the inheritance, do you feel that your DH has more responsibility to support the family financially through his wages than you do through yours? That (presumably because he's a man) he's responsible for being the higher earner, and making sure that the family is supported? And that if he doesn't earn enough to support you all that he's in some way failing his family.

Because I'm actually wondering whether the inheritance is actually a red herring, and the real problem is that you want him to take the full responsibility to support the family, where as he thinks (rightly IMO) that you are a team and that is a shared responsibility.

You don't seem to consider that it's your responsibility to earn the highest income you can to support your family...

But you are the one who gave up work. While he worked and provided the cash to enable you. So I would say if anyone should be annoyed its him. Its not his fault his job is in jeopardy.

Get a job then.

@mrsm43s - you seem to be missing the point. We've had several instances where DH has made work decisions - without discussing them with me - that I had no choice but to 'support'. If he walks out of a job, then savings have been used to pay bills, pay mortgage and feed ourselves. When I retrained and looked after the kids, it was very much a joint decision, made express reassurance that we would be fine to do this. It was stupid of me to believe him, I've acknowledged that.

@Darkpheonix - never viewed it as my money. It's our money, but the expectation was that it would put aside for emergencies and hopefully giving a bit to the kids. Problem is, it's been emergency after emergency with DH's work, and I resent that.

[quote birdonawire123]@girlmom21 - again, using this money for me to retrain whilst also caring for the kids was a JOINT decision that DH firmly encouraged us to take, and strongly reassured me that all would be fine in terms of our future income. Yes, it's my 'own fault' for believing him I suppose, but the difference is that he then made several further decisions by himself that have ended badly - I think I'm allowed to be annoyed with that?[/quote]
But this time isn't his fault - if the company he works for has issues.

I can understand you being annoyed when he quit his job because he didn't like it but this time no decision has been made. It's just bad luck.

I can kind of see where you're coming from - the inheritance seems to be a safety net for your husband which allows him to make decisions on a whim, without thinking of the financial implications that comes with it.
You need to tell him. It sounds like he's jumping from one job to another. I know his current job is unstable, is he looking elsewhere already?
You need to ask what his long term an is, because as you said, that money won't last forever.

You’re getting a really rough time on here, OP. It’s one thing to use an inheritance to support a strategic plan (work less when kids are young, save on childcare costs, other partner can progress their career unencumbered by childcare issues, and retrain) than to fritter it away because he doesn’t like a job. He’s taking it away from his kids, to be honest.

And frankly unless you’re living in a tourist & hospitality hotspot, the job market is fabulous. Anyone with 2 brain cells to run together can walk into a solid job round here. I would suggest if he’s not finding well paid work, he needs to try harder.

I don’t think it’s fair for you to expect him to support you financially when you don’t seem to allow him the same expectation. It’s a fair enough being annoyed with him for not discussing decisions to leave his job, etc but being resentful because he doesn’t provide for you and enable you to work in a lower paid job and keep your savings isn’t fair. Marriage is a partnership - he’s not your dad.

'OP saw the inheritance as a chance to make things better for the family, spend time with the kids while young, retrain etc while her dp has seen it as enabling him to quit jobs, make rubbish choices etc knowing he had a fallback. I think that wasn't part of the plan.'

- THIS. Thank you, this is exactly it.

How is that any different from what he did though? She used the inheritance to quit her job too, and make rubbish choices (years retraining for a lower paid career)? Was that not done because she knew she had the fallback of the inheritance?

Of course savings enables you to quit jobs, retrain, make risky choices, etc, that's what it's for. OP seems to think that her husband has to make the most money possible, meanwhile she is allowed to pick whatever career route she likes.

@mrsm43s - nope. Never thought he has more responsibility to earn more than me, ever. However, he has a responsibility to be honest with and not make decisions that negatively impact us. That IS failing his family.

@Viviennemary - I didn't 'give up work'. I retrained and cared for 4 kids. His salary didn't enable that, our savings did. It was a joint decision. It hasn't been a joint decision for him to walk out of jobs etc.

Op, do you sort of feel that if it had just been you and the kids you would have been able to use the money more wisely? I totally get this as a single parent I am much more in control of what I earn and spend than when I was married. I may have less money but I use it much more wisely so feel like we benefit from it more.

never viewed it as my money. It's our money, but the expectation was that it would put aside for emergencies and hopefully giving a bit to the kids. Problem is, it's been emergency after emergency with DH's work, and I resent that

So you get to decide what is must be spent on?

I am not judging for you to see it as your own.

However, it's hypocritical to say he has made decisions taht have led to him being a lower earner than expected. Whilst you retrained in a low earning Job.

You both made decisions that have impacted your finances negatively. He is no more obliged to be the sole/main eage earner, that you are.

I would suggest counselling, tbh. Because if you divorce him, you may find it significantly harder living on your own wage, some CMS and with a big chunk of what's left.

Its also an odd time for you to get so resentful, when it appears the last few years haven't been his fault at all.

He has quit two jobs then, in the past 15 years. And found new ones within months. What are the circumstances of him quitting? I wonder if you haven't said because it would make his unilateral decisions more sympathetic.

So you can decide to retrain and do a poorly paid job but he can’t do a poorly paid job?

Hmmmmmmmm.

I think you need to have a think about the underlying dynamic you both think there is - which seems to be that ultimately he should work to facilitate what you want to do….