DH - big career/money issues. I feel done.

[birdonawire123]

Namechanged as possibly outing. I could really use advice from anyone who has experienced similar or could offer advice.

DH and I have been together a long time. Broadly, happily married. 4 kids. Pre DC, DH was always the higher earner working in a more lucrative industry. Sadly, about 15 years ago my father died (mum died when I was a teen) and I inherited a fairly sizeable amount. The inheritance meant that I could quit work when the DC were little and then retrain when they got to school, which brings us up to now.

Unfortunately, DH's career seems to have been on a nosedive for the past decade. Some of it isn't his fault (his industry was hit by the pandemic, for example), but some of it is. In the past he's quit a couple of jobs (safe in the knowledge that we have enough savings to cover mortgage etc), and made several bad decisions when it comes to work.

We are now reeling on the back of yet more bad news - the company he is currently working for has financial issues and can't afford to raise his salary as they initially promised. He's working for less than he should be already, and might actually be out of a job altogether in the new year, so looks like we'll be dipping YET AGAIN into savings to cover costs. Again, this isn't entirely his fault that the company is going up the creek , but it's massively worrying. He's not in a sector where he can easily find another well paid role, either. So again, we might be looking at several months on just my small income. Obviously, DH is incredibly stressed right now and taking his anger out on me (any conversation about the outlook for him ends with him shouting at me and telling me I'm not supportive).

Problem is, I've long since stopped feeling supportive...I actually just feel furious and annoyed. I wanted to save the inheritance for our DC and their future, not spend it on ourselves because we can't cover our own costs. If I knew things were going to turn out this way then I'd never have given up work and effectively started a new career myself (which DH encouraged me to do).

I know that no-one is dying. I know he's not abusive or having an affair or anything catastrophic. In many ways I have a lot to be grateful for. But I feel like I'm at a point where the resentment is eating me up and I've lost respect for him. Also sick of scrimping and saving and having him take his work stress out on me. Has anyone been in a similar position and come back from it?

[quote birdonawire123]@S2617 - god, why the aggression? It's not about a 'my money' attitude at all. It's about DH making bad decision after bad decision when it comes to work and it affecting OUR money. You say it's 'one of those times' but what's making me upset is that it's been 'one of those times' for about ten years, on and off.

And DH strongly encouraged me to give up work when the kids were small, with the understanding that his salary was solid and would only continue to increase. That was stupid of me, yes - but that's the position we were in at the time.[/quote]
So support him in retraining and see the money as something which will help you all. Not a “ it’s my money and I’ll do this for the kids”.

To those calling me 'selfish' or unsupportive - if I was selfish I could have just spent the money that came from my dead parents on stuff that I wanted (and there have been times where it may have looked 'okay' to do that). But no - it's basically been used to cover DH's lack of expected income through poor decisions he has made. (And they weren't always 'joint decisions' to the poster who said that - he once just walked out of a job without telling me he was going to quit. Took him several months to get another one).

I had also hoped that the money, rather than spending it on holidays or material stuff or anything for me right now, might help out the kids a bit when they are older. That's really selfish of me, I can see that.

Did DH make genuinely bad decisions? Or were they ones that just didn't work out as you'd (both) hoped? There's a difference, and hindsight is a wonderful thing.
You could equally say that you giving up work to be a SAHP was a bad decision, because you could have had two much higher salaries by now.

I understand your feelings of anger OP. You’ve been supportive many times, and promises have been made and expectations raised. Maybe you’re feeling fearful of spending what you’ve got left. Maybe you feel as if you’re not a team.

You’ll have to accept that your husband was not able to be the provider that he wanted to be and promised when you agreed to give up your job, but also not hold the inheritance over him. Can you tell him what is feeling threatening or scary. That you’re worried that you are living beyond your means, that money you wanted to save for your old age or to help your kids as adults is dwindling and your hopes and excitement about that is going. You might need to reduce your living costs, he might need to take any job he can, you might need to up your income so that you feel like you’re not just squandering the money.

He supported you in retraining. You couldn't have done that without his money if you didn't want to rely on the inheritance.
Now that the shoe is on the other foot, you don't like it.

If you don't want to rely on the savings, you need to get a salary that your family can survive on too.

Your DH needs to start looking for jobs now, too. If he needs to change industry then so be it.

I think you're getting a rough time here OP but it's maybe because of how you presented things initially (e.g. it wasn't clear that you are working now)

I think it's okay to be resentful. The original arrangement you had was that DH would work and provide for the family, you would stay home and raise the kids, and your inheritance would be used for emergencies and for you retraining when the kids were older. You have done everything you said would do and now you're also contributing to the family income. Meanwhile he has not held up his side of the deal, that's crazy he just walked out of a job without discussing it with you.

I can't really offer any advice on how to get over the resentment because it seems normal to me.

I guess whether you can get past it depends on what he does now. Can he move into a different sector or field, or go self-employed?

Your inheritance allowed you to stop working and him to not stick at jobs that he wasn’t happy about.

It was family money
That’s how I saw my very substantial inheritance anyway

So it’s not just him that means you are scrimping

It’s fact you decided to stop working PLUS his poor employment choices

And the fact that it’s an inheritance adds to the emotional here, your father would have worked hard to get it.

My inheritance brought a car, paid for our wedding. Loads in to his pension and mine

We are divorced now.
The fact that I had used up all my inheritance was neither here nor there in the final financial settlement.

Because… family money

@birdonawire123 I got ripped a new hole on here when I opened up about my Dad dying- big mistake and the last time I share on here. Sometime the mumsnet crowd aren't kind and don't care. It's easy to be a keyboard warrior and say belittling things when you never have to meet that person.
I appreciate your husband is coasting and calling it in and it would be nice if he could do something about it rather than sit idly by whilst his career is a slow motion car crash and then say 'I didn't see that coming'
I appreciate you want a safety net.

Your ‘deal’ isn’t clear.
You wanted to use the money to become a SAHM and retrain while he continued to be the higher earner.
He seems to have seen it as a safety net to enable him to do whatever he wanted.

That’s why there’s resentment.

Sorry I meant to say deal between you and your husband!

@bowlingalleyblues - thank you for your understanding. He does know all my worries and fears about the future, and we will both be taking steps to earn as much as we can and deal with this latest mess. You've probably when you say 'your DH isn't the provider he wanted to be.' He isn't. And the problem is, it's not always been down to bad luck or circumstances beyond his control, but often due to his own bad decisions. He's also broken promises/lied/taken stress out on me. So I'm at the point where I've lost respect for him, and don't know how to get it back.

One way to deal with your resentment may be to accept that roles can really change over the course of a long relationship. Things happen. The deal you and your DH made about dividing up responsibilities - him main earner/you main childcare - is no longer on the table.

I can absolutely see why that is frustrating and eating up savings to cover your day your day living costs is not sustainable.

It sounds like you will need to up your earnings and I agree with pp about using savings to reduce your mortgage if you have one.

I inherited a fairly sizeable amount. The inheritance meant that I could quit work when the DC were little and then retrain when they got to school, which brings us up to now.

So you've used the savings too?

OP I get how you feel because I was in a similar situation with my now exDH. I was not able to get past the resentment because he was an inadequate partner in many other ways. If he had made up for the work flakiness by being supportive at home, things would have been different. Instead he saw me as his security blanket because I worked my socks off and earned a decent living. Do you feel your DH does make up for it? Do you feel you are "on the same page" when it comes to life goals and expectations?

I'll be honest, I'm struggling to see how the company he works for having financial issues is in anyway his fault? I get there is a history here, but being pissed at him for that seems very unreasonable

Just to clear something up, sorry if I was confusing. I didn't 'stop working' to become a SAHM. I retrained (enabled by my inheritance, not DH's salary), whilst also raising 4 kids under 6.

I meant 'quit work' as in stop doing a full time job in an office.

@birdonawire123

Just to clear something up, sorry if I was confusing. I didn't 'stop working' to become a SAHM. I retrained (enabled by my inheritance, not DH's salary), whilst also raising 4 kids under 6.

But the moneys been ok for you to use instead of a salary but not for him?

The number of kids is irrelevant.

It is extremely stressful to be the main provider for a family of 4 children. I think both of you were remiss in relying only on his salary for years. I have been in that position myself-not by choice- but we have 2 DC.

I’m sorry you’re being called selfish. I think people don’t understand how disrespected one can feel when someone seems to be thoughtlessly relying on you to be their safety net. It’s not about money really - it’s about respect.

I’m the higher earner in my relationship and that’s ok, but it frustrates me when DP chooses to cut down on hours or take lower paid work because I know I’ll make up the difference. And I have enough for that - but it makes me feel like I’m being treated like a piggy bank not a partner!!!

@Donotgogentle - thanks. You are right of course that roles change. It's just hard to get past the disappointment. We're also at a point when the majority of our friends are at the absolute peak of their careers and extremely comfortable. Like I said at the outset, I KNOW there are much worse things, but I feel so exhausted by it all.

Yeah agree, number of kids is your choice. You decided to have them.

Bottom line, not your money. Not your kids money. No entitlement.

Everyone has a fair say so ask your hubby how you BOTH get out of this mess, if you don’t agree then time to leave and do your own thing with your inheritance. Enjoy.