DH - big career/money issues. I feel done.

[birdonawire123]

Namechanged as possibly outing. I could really use advice from anyone who has experienced similar or could offer advice.

DH and I have been together a long time. Broadly, happily married. 4 kids. Pre DC, DH was always the higher earner working in a more lucrative industry. Sadly, about 15 years ago my father died (mum died when I was a teen) and I inherited a fairly sizeable amount. The inheritance meant that I could quit work when the DC were little and then retrain when they got to school, which brings us up to now.

Unfortunately, DH's career seems to have been on a nosedive for the past decade. Some of it isn't his fault (his industry was hit by the pandemic, for example), but some of it is. In the past he's quit a couple of jobs (safe in the knowledge that we have enough savings to cover mortgage etc), and made several bad decisions when it comes to work.

We are now reeling on the back of yet more bad news - the company he is currently working for has financial issues and can't afford to raise his salary as they initially promised. He's working for less than he should be already, and might actually be out of a job altogether in the new year, so looks like we'll be dipping YET AGAIN into savings to cover costs. Again, this isn't entirely his fault that the company is going up the creek , but it's massively worrying. He's not in a sector where he can easily find another well paid role, either. So again, we might be looking at several months on just my small income. Obviously, DH is incredibly stressed right now and taking his anger out on me (any conversation about the outlook for him ends with him shouting at me and telling me I'm not supportive).

Problem is, I've long since stopped feeling supportive...I actually just feel furious and annoyed. I wanted to save the inheritance for our DC and their future, not spend it on ourselves because we can't cover our own costs. If I knew things were going to turn out this way then I'd never have given up work and effectively started a new career myself (which DH encouraged me to do).

I know that no-one is dying. I know he's not abusive or having an affair or anything catastrophic. In many ways I have a lot to be grateful for. But I feel like I'm at a point where the resentment is eating me up and I've lost respect for him. Also sick of scrimping and saving and having him take his work stress out on me. Has anyone been in a similar position and come back from it?

Well, at least you have some savings. Over a course of a relationship, there'll be problems yours just happen to be financial. You have a buffer.

Just to note we're mid pandemic the effects of which haven't begun to unwind, there's going to be a whole host of problems and challenges going forward. People, businesses with previous stages of stability and longevity are going to be seriously affected.

This is a stage in history where couples need to pull together.

Isn't the problem here that there is only one grown up in this marriage? Who thinks ahead? That is bound to cause resentment.

I think you may benefit from separating your finances a bit. I have money invested for my child when she's older (from inheritances). I don't involve DH in that much because he's not interested in financial planning, so I'd rather he lived within his means (we both pay into a bills account pro rata to our salaries).

I have also made decisions bearing in mind the people who left/gave me the money and what they would have thought a good use of it would be.

Youe DH is not going to change his financial personality, so plan accordingly.

If you’re still reading OP, yes I had similar with my XH. He must have had 12 jobs in the 30 years we were together, he walked out of every one of them or was ‘let go’ due to his poor work ethic. My love for him slowly died as I lost respect for him even as I fiercely supported him in practical and emotional ways. So disappointing. I let him go six years ago. I couldn’t build respect back up when I was getting none from him for the work I put in to keep the family afloat.

Wow, it is actually shocking how rude and nasty some people can be behind a keyboard. Regardless of your opinion on a situation, there is no need for the rudeness.

OP I can completely see where you are coming from. I don't understand why people are comparing OP retraining and looking after the 4 children to her husband quitting work/lying/making poor choices unilaterally. Presumably the OP doing all the childcare wasn't just her being lucky and doing heat she wants bit also largely because the cost of childcare is extortionate and someone needed to take on the role of main carer. It would have made sense for her DH to continue to work as he earns more. Also, it was a joint decision.

I know I'm a marriage everything is shared, however the inheritance money was from the death of her parent/s. She will obviously has some emotional attachment to the money (I would) and will want something productive to come from it. Wanting to keep the money towards the children's future makes complete sense. If I was you OP I would divide up a chunk of the money and pay it into savings accounts for each of the children. I would not be happy if I was left money by a parent and my partner/husband decided he'd make poor choices about work because he knows the money is there as a safety net. Personally I don't really see it as his money to do that! He's taking money from his children. Obviously his business failing/Covid are not his fault but it sounds like there are many poor decisions he has made unnecessarily.

Why is everyone who agrees with the OP saying those who don't are being shocking or rude or awkward or haven't read the full thread? All I see is some posters not agreeing with the OP and giving the DH's possible point of view.

You mention you want to put some money aside for the dc. Can you do this now and tie it up in an account where you can't touch it until the kids are 18/21?

Sometimes it's very easy to think 'ah well I'll just use the savings', but if it's not there he can't use it can he.

I think there are several issues here. I think putting away your inheritance for a rainy day and expecting your DH to shoulder the financial burden while you retrain would have been really unreasonable to expect of him. If I was your DH that would have me feeling resentful.
It’s not however unreasonable for him to be a grown-up about work since he has a family, engage his brain and make decent choices regarding his career. That, I understand, will cause resentment.
I recently had a session with a financial coach. They made me write down and commit to goals, maybe something like this would help you as a couple?

@birdonawire123

You know what, some of the responses on this thread are misguided at best (maybe try reading what I’ve actually written about our situation) and downright unnecessarily vitriolic at worst. Thanks to those who have actually shown some support and understanding. Giving up now. Not sure what’s happened to MN lately. Seems full of people who just want to wade in and be rude rather than offer genuine support or advice.

But before I go, I’ll correct you there @mrsm43s - I didn’t give up work or have kids ‘at least fifteen years ago’ - my father died 15 years ago. So there you are.

But if people don't agree with you are they supposed to not comment?

Thanks to those who have actually shown support and understanding

Sorry thats pathetic, some people have disagreed with you articulately. You've basically just wanted to have your cake and eat it on this thread, just like with your inheritance.

You haven't said what those and decisions were so it is hard to judge.

But you can always go back to your original career. ..however, it doesn't sound like it paid much, yet you expect your DH to have carried on earning a lot more? Sounds really hypocritical to me

"My money is my money, your money is our money".

I can't believe you he hard time OP is getting. I agree with every word she's written and really think he's taking and taken the mick.

Hi @birdonawire123 how are you getting on with Christmas?

Is being a SAHM for a time really as rare and unorthodox a thing as people are trying to make it out to be? I wouldn'tve thought so.

I let him go six years ago

@JustThisLastLittleBit 'I'm going to have to let you go.'

So it's ok for you to stop work completely, but it's not ok for your DH to change jobs? Surely the financial difficulties you are in are your responsibility as well as his?

You seem to be putting a lot of emphasis on the fact that he encouraged you to stop work and promised his wages would go up. Surely it was a joint decision and neither of you could predict what would happen in his industry or with his particular company?

It does sound like you are trying to lay the blame at his door.

You seem to be putting a lot of emphasis on the fact that he encouraged you to stop work and promised his wages would go up. Surely it was a joint decision and neither of you could predict what would happen in his industry or with his particular company?

@HotPenguin Jobs can be relied upon to some extent- but he's decided to quit his job at least twice. He could predict the outcome of that decision which he chose.