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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH - big career/money issues. I feel done.

216 replies

birdonawire123 · 30/11/2021 13:48

Namechanged as possibly outing. I could really use advice from anyone who has experienced similar or could offer advice.

DH and I have been together a long time. Broadly, happily married. 4 kids. Pre DC, DH was always the higher earner working in a more lucrative industry. Sadly, about 15 years ago my father died (mum died when I was a teen) and I inherited a fairly sizeable amount. The inheritance meant that I could quit work when the DC were little and then retrain when they got to school, which brings us up to now.

Unfortunately, DH's career seems to have been on a nosedive for the past decade. Some of it isn't his fault (his industry was hit by the pandemic, for example), but some of it is. In the past he's quit a couple of jobs (safe in the knowledge that we have enough savings to cover mortgage etc), and made several bad decisions when it comes to work.

We are now reeling on the back of yet more bad news - the company he is currently working for has financial issues and can't afford to raise his salary as they initially promised. He's working for less than he should be already, and might actually be out of a job altogether in the new year, so looks like we'll be dipping YET AGAIN into savings to cover costs. Again, this isn't entirely his fault that the company is going up the creek , but it's massively worrying. He's not in a sector where he can easily find another well paid role, either. So again, we might be looking at several months on just my small income. Obviously, DH is incredibly stressed right now and taking his anger out on me (any conversation about the outlook for him ends with him shouting at me and telling me I'm not supportive).

Problem is, I've long since stopped feeling supportive...I actually just feel furious and annoyed. I wanted to save the inheritance for our DC and their future, not spend it on ourselves because we can't cover our own costs. If I knew things were going to turn out this way then I'd never have given up work and effectively started a new career myself (which DH encouraged me to do).

I know that no-one is dying. I know he's not abusive or having an affair or anything catastrophic. In many ways I have a lot to be grateful for. But I feel like I'm at a point where the resentment is eating me up and I've lost respect for him. Also sick of scrimping and saving and having him take his work stress out on me. Has anyone been in a similar position and come back from it?

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 30/11/2021 22:36

OP, you have had a tough time on this thread. You haven’t said what DH has to say about his bad decisions? Does he own them or does he think it is fate?

me4real · 30/11/2021 23:46

Oh and when my parents separated, my dad miraculously was able to get and keep a job within a year. Because he had to.

Where they're real wrongs, reconciliation and forgiveness is necessary in any marriage . This is a phase, things will get better OP

@SarahDarah Her husband has had a fair few of these 'phases' though, enough that they represent a continuous tendency rather than a phase.

timeisnotaline · 30/11/2021 23:54

I would tell him the money is locked up, think of something! I’d have no respect for a husband who quit his job without telling me, and I consulted extensively with him before quitting my job before we moved countries a couple of years ago. Covid hit and it took me months extra to find work, we were living off savings and if dh hadn’t been on board with the plan m I wouldn’t have blamed him for being resentful! (He was fabulous and supportive. I worked very hard to find work and found a great job)

HarrisonStickle · 01/12/2021 00:28

@Bluntness100

So basically you’re a low earner, saw your inheritance as yours, gave up work, retrained, now earn very little and you’re pissed your husband isn’t earning more to keep the five of you without putting additional burden on you?

Aye that’s pleasant.

This is how I see it, too. The OP talks about the glass ceiling, yet takes a long career break and ten years to retrain in a career that pays very little. At the same time, she considers the inheritance her children's but has used it to live off for ten years.

What her husband is doing and has done in the past is spectacularly unhelpful, but however long he's taken off work, it hasn't been a decade has it?

She seems resentful that he's eaten into her money. He seems resentful he's had to go to work for most of the last decade to provide for a large family where he's been the sole earner.

If the OP calls it a day, she's going to be even more enraged when he gets some of the inheritance for himself.

me4real · 01/12/2021 00:32

What her husband is doing and has done in the past is spectacularly unhelpful, but however long he's taken off work, it hasn't been a decade has it?

@HarrisonStickle He presumably wasn't the primary caregiver to four DC.

FurrFeather · 01/12/2021 00:48

Ugh, the rude and spiteful posters personally insulting OP, someone they’ve never met. Disgusting

HarrisonStickle · 01/12/2021 00:51

@me4real

What her husband is doing and has done in the past is spectacularly unhelpful, but however long he's taken off work, it hasn't been a decade has it?

@HarrisonStickle He presumably wasn't the primary caregiver to four DC.

But the OP is complaining about him and his work and how he's randomly taken time off and now his entire career is in decline. Whilst she continued to stay at home and be the caregiver with a huge inheritance enabling that. He hasn't suddenly changed in the last couple of months. The decisions they made however many years ago didn't have to remain unchanged for a decade. At any point OP could have brought it up and suggest they do things differently.
Hont1986 · 01/12/2021 01:04

OP says he has quit twice in the past fifteen years and taken 'months' to find new jobs. So how long has he actually been out of work in the past fifteen years? Four months? Six months? And how does that stack up against OP, I wonder?

Nanny0gg · 01/12/2021 01:45

@blueshoes

I agree with mrsm43s.

Knowing her dh is what he is (having let her down many times), why not take responsibility for shoring up the family's finances. 4 children is a huge expense. I agree that the inheritance is not for dipping in. Neither is it an excuse for the partner who inherited to use it as an excuse not to step up in financial contribution. OP has had more than enough time to retrain and make up the difference unless she sees this as her dh's responsibility (the man?) to always be the main and higher earner, whilst she can indulge herself in low paying jobs. Lots of women face the glass ceiling and still get to senior positions. Sounds like OP opted out of the world of real work by choice and the obstacles she put in place of her earning more are actually self limiting.

Real work?
Nanny0gg · 01/12/2021 01:48

Presumably the DH wanted the four children?

And presumably the OP didn't unilaterally decide to give up work to care for them? (Childcare for 4 being quite expensive and all...)

But we do know that he walked out of a job with no discussion and no immediate prospect of another one.

RantyAunty · 01/12/2021 02:14

OP I don't know why people are being so hard on you.

I get what you're saying.

All the times he quit or wasn't working for x number of months, no income coming in. Each time is a set back.

What type of work do both of you do?

I wonder if counseling would help him. He doesn't seem happy about his work situation. It might help him to get some things off his chest and brainstorm ideas wrt his career.

SD1978 · 01/12/2021 02:25

You've both taken full advantage, it doesn't sound like it's fair to say only he has. Have you since retrained and are now working? Whilst previous choices obviously aside, this current situation isn't his fault, it's a company decision.

whatisheupto · 01/12/2021 03:12

I'm with you OP. He sounds a bit of a nightmare. Most posters on here have focused on the money. Oh how people love to voice their holier than thou opinions on salaries and inheritance.
But at the end of the day this isn't really about money, it's about you feeling out of keel with your husband. You feel he's taken the piss and I think most people in real life would understand where you're coming from.
Do you feel like you could tell him your feelings? Or do you feel like you don't even want to try and repair things as it's too far gone?
I'd suggest investing your money long term, then it will be working hard for you, earning you dividends and increasing in value, but more importantly it's tied up and not easily accessible.
Good luck!

girlmom21 · 01/12/2021 07:36

@yikerspipers

Who the hell gives up work to retrain for a lower paid job?????

To be fair, lots do. I'm considering it due to burnout in my current career.

But presumably you wouldn't then resent your partner for needed to dip into savings if they lost their job, because your new wages aren't enough to keep the family?
EuromamaAussiekids · 01/12/2021 13:25

But it's not your dh fault that you left a well paying career in order to be a sahm Hmm

EuromamaAussiekids · 01/12/2021 13:25

@EuromamaAussiekids

But it's not your dh fault that you left a well paying career in order to be a sahm Hmm
It's not easy for your dh to be the only person who is bring a salary into the house.
fuckoffImcounting · 01/12/2021 16:07

Have to wonder if some of the aggression to OP is down to jealousy of her inheritance. Of course she is disappointed, her DH made some bad choices.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 01/12/2021 19:24

@birdonawire123 I was in your situation and it's soul-destroying. No inheritance but everytime I got a pay rise or a new job my DH would quit his job or do something which would mean he would have to leave. I spent 20 years scraping money together to just eat because he was just lousy.

Also it's your inheritance. Not the family's. Do with it what you will.

getsanta · 01/12/2021 19:28

[quote Alonelonelylonersbadidea]@birdonawire123 I was in your situation and it's soul-destroying. No inheritance but everytime I got a pay rise or a new job my DH would quit his job or do something which would mean he would have to leave. I spent 20 years scraping money together to just eat because he was just lousy.

Also it's your inheritance. Not the family's. Do with it what you will.[/quote]
This is not close to being the same situation. The OP had a windfall, quit her job to retrain for a lower paying job and now begrudges her husband for not protecting her inheritance.

icelolly12 · 01/12/2021 19:29

Maybe it's time for you to get a full time job then as it's a lot of pressure on your DH.

getsanta · 01/12/2021 19:30

Who has paying the mortgage for the last decade? Maybe some of the inheritance could have gone to that?

getsanta · 01/12/2021 19:32

@fuckoffImcounting

Have to wonder if some of the aggression to OP is down to jealousy of her inheritance. Of course she is disappointed, her DH made some bad choices.
So has she. Shouldn't have quit her job and started relying on her DH for everything.
whitehorsesdonotlie · 01/12/2021 19:44

I think some people on here are either being deliberately awkward or haven't RTFT.

The op hardly had four dc by herself - how is she meant to work while looking after them? Childcare would be extortionate, never mind the logistics of school runs and so on for four dc. presumably she and her h decided when she got pg that he would be the breadwinner?

Op, sounds like this is the straw that broke the camel's back. Once you've lost respect for someone, it's hard to regain it.

Sounds like your h has massively taken advantage of your inheritance and used it so he could give up jobs whenever he fancied, knowing there was a cushion to support him.

I sympathise, and I can see why you feel like that, but can't offer any helpful advice, I'm afraid. Do you think couples counselling might help you both to air your feelings? Or has it gone past that?

Darkpheonix · 01/12/2021 19:50

The op hardly had four dc by herself - how is she meant to work while looking after them?

The way she was planning on working before she got the Inheritence. The time line suggests she had run when she inherited. So they must have had a plan.

Not sure what you mean by 'how is she'. The kids have 2 parents.

There's nothing that says they has agreed for her to be at home before the inheritance enabled her to do that.

And if they had agreed it before the inheritance, she would have been giving up work with the knowledge he would be the only person paying for the family for a prolonged period.

But is now unhappy she has had to be responsible for the finances for a few months here and there.

Totalwasteofpaper · 02/12/2021 07:48

@fuckoffImcounting

Have to wonder if some of the aggression to OP is down to jealousy of her inheritance. Of course she is disappointed, her DH made some bad choices.
Completely agree with this.