DH - big career/money issues. I feel done.

[birdonawire123]

Namechanged as possibly outing. I could really use advice from anyone who has experienced similar or could offer advice.

DH and I have been together a long time. Broadly, happily married. 4 kids. Pre DC, DH was always the higher earner working in a more lucrative industry. Sadly, about 15 years ago my father died (mum died when I was a teen) and I inherited a fairly sizeable amount. The inheritance meant that I could quit work when the DC were little and then retrain when they got to school, which brings us up to now.

Unfortunately, DH's career seems to have been on a nosedive for the past decade. Some of it isn't his fault (his industry was hit by the pandemic, for example), but some of it is. In the past he's quit a couple of jobs (safe in the knowledge that we have enough savings to cover mortgage etc), and made several bad decisions when it comes to work.

We are now reeling on the back of yet more bad news - the company he is currently working for has financial issues and can't afford to raise his salary as they initially promised. He's working for less than he should be already, and might actually be out of a job altogether in the new year, so looks like we'll be dipping YET AGAIN into savings to cover costs. Again, this isn't entirely his fault that the company is going up the creek , but it's massively worrying. He's not in a sector where he can easily find another well paid role, either. So again, we might be looking at several months on just my small income. Obviously, DH is incredibly stressed right now and taking his anger out on me (any conversation about the outlook for him ends with him shouting at me and telling me I'm not supportive).

Problem is, I've long since stopped feeling supportive...I actually just feel furious and annoyed. I wanted to save the inheritance for our DC and their future, not spend it on ourselves because we can't cover our own costs. If I knew things were going to turn out this way then I'd never have given up work and effectively started a new career myself (which DH encouraged me to do).

I know that no-one is dying. I know he's not abusive or having an affair or anything catastrophic. In many ways I have a lot to be grateful for. But I feel like I'm at a point where the resentment is eating me up and I've lost respect for him. Also sick of scrimping and saving and having him take his work stress out on me. Has anyone been in a similar position and come back from it?

It’s a tough situation to be in - life hasn’t played out how you thought, and part of that is DP is not the provider you expected. I also think that you are probably angry with yourself as well as him, for allowing him to quit a job without having anything lined up (which no one should do), and for quitting your 1st career as you say. TBH it sounds like you have both been / bit cavalier with money (4 kids is a lot) - I’m not sure it’s more him than you.

I do understand you aren’t in the mood to be super sympathetic anymore, which is fair enough. Right now I think you need to do some straight talking, air your frustrations - and then focus on earning as much money as your both can. Your first priority is to secure your own futures, before you worry about your kids.

Some joint counselling might be useful. You don’t want to let this fester, you need to move forward, and to hold onto your savings as pension.

@MooseBeTimeForSnow

But if you separate he’s entitled to half of what’s left.

Not if she puts it in a trust for the children

I think you're lucky because you have several options open to you. Work yourself to help the financial situation, full time or part time, retrain, leave him and still be financially secure, stay and contribute, work full time while he stays at home, leave things as they are and use your savings. You have so many options thanks to your parents.

He needs to sort out his career and get something stable with a chance to be promoted and you need to get back to your career. Never give up your job again, it makes you too vulnerable and reliant on another person

@shamalidacdak

He needs to sort out his career and get something stable with a chance to be promoted and you need to get back to your career. Never give up your job again, it makes you too vulnerable and reliant on another person

RTFT

She is working.

Does anyone bother reading the thread anymore 🤔

Not if she puts it in a trust for the children

And how is she supporting herself post divorce. Until her job, all of a sudden becomes decent earning?

Who the hell gives up work to retrain for a lower paid job?????

Who the hell gives up work to retrain for a lower paid job?????

To be fair, lots do. I'm considering it due to burnout in my current career.

Wow. You have savings? And you're still pissed off?

I with you OP.

I find the whole Mumsnet attitude that family inheritance is 100% shared money and can be seemingly spent any which way by either partner, a load of old bollocks to be perfectly honest.

Yes when you’re married you have shared assets, but there is obviously a level of respect due when one party inherits from their parent(s) death.

If and when my DH’s parents pass away and he inherits, I wouldn’t automatically think, great, I can just quit my job whenever it suits me, without discussing it and just live off this inheritance. It’s just utterly rude and disrespectful.

A lot here to unpack, OP. My ex-husband also was one who took poor decisions unilaterally or lied about quitting jobs etc and the stress is unbelievable. So that would be unacceptable.

However, I think you have to stop relying on him to bring in the money as you are putting yourself in a powerless position. If he is not going to be a consistent earner, you need to cut costs and earn more - to reduce the stress on yourself.

I think the inheritance needs to be put out of reach for now and the day to day expenses tackled separately. Could you put some into your pension, OP? Has that been neglected over the years?

@drpet49

Who the hell gives up work to retrain for a lower paid job?????

And then complains their husband isn’t earning enough to keep them and they need to step up and contribute.

@RedskyThisNight

I find the glass ceiling argument baffling as well. If you acknowledge that women tend to earn less and that their careers are impacted by having children, then having 4 children and giving up work because "it was a no-brainer" is hardly helping you. Those are the choices a woman makes when they see their career as less important than their husband's.

Yes and then going into low paid employment.

Op I don’t get all the harsh replies because I would absolutely feel the same.

The crux of it is - you’ve supported his career decisions for 10 years and each time your inheritance has been his safety net.
Ok that’s fine to an extent as he’s also supported you in your career.

But it’s now at a point where he has taken too much advantage of the financial security and doesn’t seem to be making any roads to ensuring this doesn’t keep happening.

A bit of bad luck can happen to anyone but 10 years worth of declining career and pay really says something more about his commitment and ability and choices.

I’d be frustrated and resentful as you are too - some PPs say savings are to help when you need them and I totally agree but it shouldn’t be a fall back plan every single time. Has he taken temporary work for instance, to cover these periods of unemployment so rather than needing to cover all expenses from savings, you’re only covering 50%? because if he’s got off his arse and taken any job that will allow him to earn then that would be a good sign that he isn’t as nonchalant as he’s appearing.

Because that’s what I’d do and that’s what I’d expect my partner to do.

It’s NOT about the money, it’s the attitude and nonchalance he has towards ploughing through money that could be needed in the future when real emergencies occur or for giving the kids a good start when they’re older.

I’d feel the same OP, I don’t think you’re entitled or selfish. I think you’ve both benefited from the decisions you made when kids came along but whilst you’ve kept your side to do the SAHP routine and then retrain for better earning potential in the future, he hasn’t kept up with his side.
One or two unfortunate career blips is understandable but this seems more like ambivalence on his part.

@HairyFanjoBanjo

I with you OP.

I find the whole Mumsnet attitude that family inheritance is 100% shared money and can be seemingly spent any which way by either partner, a load of old bollocks to be perfectly honest.

Yes when you’re married you have shared assets, but there is obviously a level of respect due when one party inherits from their parent(s) death.

If and when my DH’s parents pass away and he inherits, I wouldn’t automatically think, great, I can just quit my job whenever it suits me, without discussing it and just live off this inheritance. It’s just utterly rude and disrespectful.

I was thinking this but couldnt vocalise it!

Thank you

Another example of an OP getting a kicking because posters don't read the thread properly and jump to massive conclusions/make up their own narrative. Give up OP, you can't win on here. I would be frustrated too at your DH's behaviour.

@HorsdoeuvresInTheGarage

Another example of an OP getting a kicking because posters don't read the thread properly and jump to massive conclusions/make up their own narrative. Give up OP, you can't win on here. I would be frustrated too at your DH's behaviour.

Where as I'd be very frustrated at the OP's entitlement and expectation that someone else is responsible for supporting her, when she has money in the bank to contribute, and has had the funds, time and opportunity to retrain, so should be in a position to pull her weight financially.

Everyone seems to be excusing her for having children, but they seem to be missing the point that she had young children at least FIFTEEN YEARS AGO, retrained at least 11 years ago, and is STILL in a low paying job and expecting her husband to support her. When is she going to step up?

And she is angry with him for something that is NOT HIS FAULT. He is not currently talking about quitting his job, he is not getting a hoped for payrise, and might lose his job for reasons completely outwith his control (Covid related is hinted).

OP sees it as her DHs job to support them whilst she gets to do her (presumably rewarding) low paid job at her leisure with no responsibility to support the family. He thinks they are a team and she should support him, as he's previously supported her. Maybe he'd like some time out to retrain and then take a lower paid job?

You know what, some of the responses on this thread are misguided at best (maybe try reading what I’ve actually written about our situation) and downright unnecessarily vitriolic at worst. Thanks to those who have actually shown some support and understanding. Giving up now. Not sure what’s happened to MN lately. Seems full of people who just want to wade in and be rude rather than offer genuine support or advice.

But before I go, I’ll correct you there @mrsm43s - I didn’t give up work or have kids ‘at least fifteen years ago’ - my father died 15 years ago. So there you are.

I agree with mrsm43s.

Knowing her dh is what he is (having let her down many times), why not take responsibility for shoring up the family's finances. 4 children is a huge expense. I agree that the inheritance is not for dipping in. Neither is it an excuse for the partner who inherited to use it as an excuse not to step up in financial contribution. OP has had more than enough time to retrain and make up the difference unless she sees this as her dh's responsibility (the man?) to always be the main and higher earner, whilst she can indulge herself in low paying jobs. Lots of women face the glass ceiling and still get to senior positions. Sounds like OP opted out of the world of real work by choice and the obstacles she put in place of her earning more are actually self limiting.

Jeez, some of you need to give it a rest with the hyperbole for fucksake.

Perhaps one of you should marry the OP’s twunt DH, you sound incredibly forgiving of his utter ineptitude.

Don’t blame you for thread ditching @birdonawire123 - good luck!

I think while the money is available the temptation to dip into will be there.

You need to make it inaccessible, be that putting it in a trust or paying off your mortgage.

Unfortunately it's a fact of life. If life is easy you'll coast along. He knows it doesnt matter if he loses his job or quits because you've got a safety net.

I've seen it happen lots of time before.

Lock the money up in someway.
And then when you need the money and it isnt there- his motivation will return.

@Donotgogentle

One way to deal with your resentment may be to accept that roles can really change over the course of a long relationship. Things happen. The deal you and your DH made about dividing up responsibilities - him main earner/you main childcare - is no longer on the table.

I can absolutely see why that is frustrating and eating up savings to cover your day your day living costs is not sustainable.

It sounds like you will need to up your earnings and I agree with pp about using savings to reduce your mortgage if you have one.

This.

@birdonawire123 resist the temptation to see your husband as your enemy. You're both on the same team and you need to drop the resentment. Why shouldn't he benefit from your inheritance? That's the whole point of marriage, you're meant to be dedicated to each other and share finances and lives together, "for better or for worse".

You're also comparing yourselves to others which is only causing envy in you and robbing you of joy. You have no idea what the reality of their marriages are and who cares if they're "extremely confortable"...why so shallow? Life is much more than money and material things. And trust me, your children will much rather both of you get on and peacefully support each other in this challenging phase than being given money for luxuries later in life.

For what it's worth,I don't believe OP was wrong to quit her job and retrain and choose to spend more time with their children. I would have done exactly the same. After all.life is too short and family is more important than a career. I don't believe that's selfish at all (and OP already explained it was a joint decision).

The thing is, she (and the children) have rightfully benefitted from the inheritance, no reason whatsoever why her husband shouldn't also benefit, especially as he's now in a tough situation.

Where they're real wrongs, reconciliation and forgiveness is necessary in any marriage . This is a phase, things will get better OP!

Like OP says— I do think some people are just incredibly rude — as I said above hindsight is a wonderful thing and as OP says she wouldn’t have given up her higher paid job if she thought her Hs career would be in decline. Just getting back into a much higher paid role isn’t always that straightforward or easy - and people with 4 kids in CEO type roles have usually kept it up all the way along with nannies and nurseries.