DH - big career/money issues. I feel done.

[birdonawire123]

Namechanged as possibly outing. I could really use advice from anyone who has experienced similar or could offer advice.

DH and I have been together a long time. Broadly, happily married. 4 kids. Pre DC, DH was always the higher earner working in a more lucrative industry. Sadly, about 15 years ago my father died (mum died when I was a teen) and I inherited a fairly sizeable amount. The inheritance meant that I could quit work when the DC were little and then retrain when they got to school, which brings us up to now.

Unfortunately, DH's career seems to have been on a nosedive for the past decade. Some of it isn't his fault (his industry was hit by the pandemic, for example), but some of it is. In the past he's quit a couple of jobs (safe in the knowledge that we have enough savings to cover mortgage etc), and made several bad decisions when it comes to work.

We are now reeling on the back of yet more bad news - the company he is currently working for has financial issues and can't afford to raise his salary as they initially promised. He's working for less than he should be already, and might actually be out of a job altogether in the new year, so looks like we'll be dipping YET AGAIN into savings to cover costs. Again, this isn't entirely his fault that the company is going up the creek , but it's massively worrying. He's not in a sector where he can easily find another well paid role, either. So again, we might be looking at several months on just my small income. Obviously, DH is incredibly stressed right now and taking his anger out on me (any conversation about the outlook for him ends with him shouting at me and telling me I'm not supportive).

Problem is, I've long since stopped feeling supportive...I actually just feel furious and annoyed. I wanted to save the inheritance for our DC and their future, not spend it on ourselves because we can't cover our own costs. If I knew things were going to turn out this way then I'd never have given up work and effectively started a new career myself (which DH encouraged me to do).

I know that no-one is dying. I know he's not abusive or having an affair or anything catastrophic. In many ways I have a lot to be grateful for. But I feel like I'm at a point where the resentment is eating me up and I've lost respect for him. Also sick of scrimping and saving and having him take his work stress out on me. Has anyone been in a similar position and come back from it?

The 'he's supported you but you won't support him' posters need to read the thread. He has been supported. Is that support supposed to last indefinitely and have no limits? That's the real question.

@mrsm43s That's what they jointly agreed to, though, that she'd do the legwork raising the four children and work at a less lucrative/presumably more flexible/less intense job, while he concentrated more on his career.

If the OP had said multiple times over the past decade that she couldn't look after their four children for several months and expected her DH to sort everything childcare-wise, her DH would justifiably be annoyed. That's what her DH has done with jobs, quit and expected the OP to sort everything financially.

It's not a good dynamic.

@Hont1986 - it's really simple. It's different because we agreed together it was the right decision for our family and DH was absolutely adamant that all would be fine. However, DH went on to make decisions that weren't remotely joint ones and that's what I really resent.

I wonder if you would feel less resentful if he just turned around and said " Thank you, Bird, for your inheritance. I am sorry I made poor decisions without consulting you." Sometimes, as the lower earner/SAHM you just want to be acknowledged and get a little appreciation. I feel that.

@birdonawire123
I dont understand why you are getting such a hard tome here. I can perfectly understand why you are annoyed amd resentful. Posters seems to nit understand that as a father of 4 under 6 years old, your husband should know that his decisions impact you all as a family, and he needs to discuss with you things like job changes that would affect income. Should he have wanted to change jobs because he is unhappy, he should have discussed with you and made a joint decision to may be you going back ro work and share the financial burden.
Your inheritance- i inherited a huge sum and I always saw it as money I wanted to invest to remember my parents by so i bought a house which will go to my kids (my parents still alive but i still saw it as emotional value) ..this money to me should not be used completely to fill in gaps in employment due to bad decisions again and again.
Good luck xx

To me, it boils down to: it's not OK to lie; and it's not OK to take big decisions without discussion.

And I think it's those two things that you are struggling to get past, OP. I would too. What does he say when you tell him that?

At the end of the day if you are married all money is family money, even if it originally was your inheritance. Try and get through Christmas being civil and without arguing and review situation in new year. And obviously encourage DH to look out and apply for any other suitable jobs, as well as considering your own options for earning more.

Op the money was inherited 15 years ago. You had 4 kids then. Even if the youngest was just born and your started retaining when they were 5, that's 10 years ago.

Why did you pick a low earning job, that takes ages to train for, if financial security was important to you?

Also on a general and less personal level I'm a bit baffled by some of the posts on this thread - have you never heard of the glass ceiling? Or thought about the impact that maternity leave has on a woman's career? It is a real issue, and one of the reasons why it did make practical sense for DH to continue working fulltime whilst the kids were younger, particularly as he was already the higher earner.

I think I understand. Are you saying that this money is a safety net and was always to be seen as such for you both, allowing other life choices to be made. However, DH has made choices that he hasn’t discussed with you, like leaving a job, and so you feel resentful that your parents’ money is being used for the everyday, rather than the special (or for the future). So what you are really saying is that DH has made poor choices because he can, in reliance on the money, and that has eroded the cash? Because if I’m right, I think you are saying that DH attitude to the money but also to the joint nature of your enterprise (you be SAHM, you do most of the grunt work with a safety net) is what’s bugging you here. And frankly I can see why.

He is reliant on money supposed to be for you both/your future, and is using it to cover his dislike of or lack of progress at work, he is trashing the joint enterprise contrary to your expressed (ie of you both) desire to manage your house/kids/marriage.

I think you’re discovering you don’t like him or respect him. And I suspect there is something about not respecting your parents and perhaps something in there about your loss of them. I don’t think it’s as simple as your OP put it.

If I’m right, I’d suggest counselling to really understand what’s going on FOR YOU because you can’t address that till you understand it.

Why won't you say what poor decisions he made and why he quit the jobs? That will make a big difference to people's understanding. For example, if you wanted him to keep working in an extremely stressful job but he couldn't take it any more, then I think quitting without a mutual agreement is OK.

He should have discussed his decisions with you but maybe he’s super stressed with his job/jobs.

Do you think you are frustrated because you are not working as a team? So for example, you consulted DH about stopping work while your children were small, yet he has quit jobs without the same consideration?

You both really need to sit down and talk. Do you think he should also retrain to a career which gives him job security but maybe a lower income overall?

At the moment you are both really cross at each other and not talking. If you want to reach 'the other side' of this problem, you have to find a compromise that you can both live with.

Just as a final thought, do you think that because you lost your parents, you feel more keen that your kids should have that money because they didn't have grandparents?

Sorry, lots of questions!

I would be resentful of this too, you won't in all likelihood inherit any more money and using it for living expenses, when this was avoidable by the sounds of things, is the last thing anyone would surely feel happy about doing. Maybe he's a bit lazy or just not that good at this jobs and possibly that is contributing to your reduced respect for him?

I don't know what to suggest about the resentment though, either he needs to step right up or you need to let go of your expectations.

[quote birdonawire123]@TomelettewithGreggs - I do get that high earnings come with a price. We've got friends who are lawyers or work in finance and earn huge salaries - that's never been what I expected from DH. What I did expect was that we would make impactful decisions jointly, that he would always be truthful with me, and that I could trust him when he reassured me on our future outlook. Unfortunately he's failed to do those things several times now...and I'm just not sure I can get beyond it.[/quote]
Honestly I would have lost all respect for him, and unfortunately respect is a very hard thing to get back.
Regardless of how that money came about, once upon a time you had savings , a nest egg and options. Now, largely it seems because of you husbands attitude to work, you do not.
Does he care about that ? is he worried about the future ? is he able to review the recent past an accept he made poor decisions?
What are his plans for the net 10 years ? what happens when the savings are all gone and he feels like walking out of his next job ? would he still do that ? and if not why not ? what assurances can he give you ?
If you have really lost all respect for him then resentment will be the next thing to set in, and at that point, the marriage is over bar the shouting
How do you feel about the option of separating ?

OP saw the inheritance as a chance to make things better for the family, spend time with the kids while young, retrain etc while her dp has seen it as enabling him to quit jobs, make rubbish choices etc knowing he had a fallback. I think that wasn't part of the plan.

I agree with this.

he is also telling lies and making unilateral decision which impact the family. two big fat NOs in my marriage.

All the people looking to twist the knife in either are being willfully ignorant and lack empathy with your situation OP.
I think YANBU at all - It sounds incredibly frustrating, disappointing and disheartening

If I did this to my DH, or he did this to me, it would NOT be acceptable in our marriage. We both came to a the party with a clear understanding of what we could expect from the other and it is not dicking the other spouses $$$ up the wall by making crap and lazy life choices unilaterally.

he essentially tricked you into retraining and going into a low paid career as he made promises then didnt got the distance and deliver - which is crap and totally on him.

I would be telling him the CV needs to be sorted in the next 2 weeks and he needs to get on to recruiters.
I would also be looking to get sole control of the inheriatnace finances if you dont already/ I would explain their is X to bail him out and ALL of the remaining money is getting locked it up in either pensions, long term investment or trust for the kids. (if you want to keep some back for emergencies do but dont tell him)
I would also have a very clear conversation about the fact the gravy train stops right f**king here and there is to be no more bullshitting he has 4 children and needs to behave himself.

if he isn't up for it and wanted to drag his heels and act like an injured child I'd be hiding assets and looking into divorce.

@birdonawire123

Also on a general and less personal level I'm a bit baffled by some of the posts on this thread - have you never heard of the glass ceiling? Or thought about the impact that maternity leave has on a woman's career? It is a real issue, and one of the reasons why it did make practical sense for DH to continue working fulltime whilst the kids were younger, particularly as he was already the higher earner.

How was that made better by you leaving your job and retraining in a low paid job?

The glass ceiling is a real thing. But it doesn't mean that you have to go along with the status quo.

The glass ceiling being one of the reasons you left work, doesn't make sense.

@TomelettewithGreggs - he has said effectively that in the past. He does acknowledge that he's made mistakes and stretched the truth at times and it's not acceptable. But I'm just at the point now where I feel at my limit with it all. I know what we to do on a practical level, just about. But I just feel so resentful and angry that we are in this place yet again.

OP could you manage if your DH took a lower paid job but stick at it and you continue to do your job? I’d this an option? Your two need to talk and make decisions together. Do you still have a mortgage, could you put the inheritance into a pension or pay off you mortgage or somewhere it can’t be spent on
day to day stuff?

@Hont1986

Why won't you say what poor decisions he made and why he quit the jobs? That will make a big difference to people's understanding. For example, if you wanted him to keep working in an extremely stressful job but he couldn't take it any more, then I think quitting without a mutual agreement is OK.

My Dh took a one year unpaid sabbatical at a time when I was a SAHM without discussing it with me. We had to dip into our savings. The reason we didnt discuss it was that his job at the time was very stressful, and he was in danger of a heart attack if he had carried on even one day longer. It was not an easy time. But we downsized and got through it somehow.

"Viviennemary
But you are the one who gave up work. While he worked and provided the cash to enable you. So I would say if anyone should be annoyed its him. Its not his fault his job is in jeopardy."

Indeed.

This reminds me of the saying which goes along the lines of "Why are you pointing to the speck in my eye, whilst ignoring the log in your own eye?"

Being a breadwinner is not easy and sometimes things don't go to plan.

Increase your earnings, as times have clearly changed. You jointly made the decision for you to stop work.

@Darkpheonix - glass ceiling. Even if DH and I were on identical salaries before we had kids, it's immensely likely that he would be the higher earner without taking four maternity leaves. As it was, he was already the higher earner, so for me to do the majority of childcare seemed like an absolute no brainer.

@CrimbleCrumble1

He should have discussed his decisions with you but maybe he’s super stressed with his job/jobs.

Even if he's super-stressed, though, quitting without discussion isn't a viable option for most people, is it? Especially if they have four children!

My DH isn't particularly happy with his job nowadays and would like to leave at some point, but he's shared this with me so we can prepare for it. I

In my opinion, you can get past this but only if you’re both on the same page going forward. You both have to accept that, rightly or wrongly, the inheritance gave you both a sense of security/a buffer to financial decisions where either poor or not sensible when viewed with the benefit of hindsight.
You both need to figure out how your finances will be managed going forward, so that you aren’t reliant on savings in situations other than genuine emergencies. Maybe reinforce this by making them harder to dip into (ISAs where you get a penalty for withdrawing early?)
Your husband needs to accept that he should be consulting you before making any big career moves. You should also be open about the limitations to your salary based on your job role/sector and make a rough plan based on anticipated financial position for the next 5 years.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to feel resentful so long as you are trying to rise above. If you’re actively harbouring resentment and can’t seem to get away from it, then maybe it’s best to cut your losses in this relationship.

I'm super unhappy in my current job. I'm stressed to hell and I know its impacting on my mental and physical health. However I am a lone parent with three kids to support and a mortgage to pay. Walking out with no job to go to is not an option and I would bitterly resent supporting another adult who felt like such behaviour was acceptable.

My sympathies are entirely with the OP