DH - big career/money issues. I feel done.

[birdonawire123]

Namechanged as possibly outing. I could really use advice from anyone who has experienced similar or could offer advice.

DH and I have been together a long time. Broadly, happily married. 4 kids. Pre DC, DH was always the higher earner working in a more lucrative industry. Sadly, about 15 years ago my father died (mum died when I was a teen) and I inherited a fairly sizeable amount. The inheritance meant that I could quit work when the DC were little and then retrain when they got to school, which brings us up to now.

Unfortunately, DH's career seems to have been on a nosedive for the past decade. Some of it isn't his fault (his industry was hit by the pandemic, for example), but some of it is. In the past he's quit a couple of jobs (safe in the knowledge that we have enough savings to cover mortgage etc), and made several bad decisions when it comes to work.

We are now reeling on the back of yet more bad news - the company he is currently working for has financial issues and can't afford to raise his salary as they initially promised. He's working for less than he should be already, and might actually be out of a job altogether in the new year, so looks like we'll be dipping YET AGAIN into savings to cover costs. Again, this isn't entirely his fault that the company is going up the creek , but it's massively worrying. He's not in a sector where he can easily find another well paid role, either. So again, we might be looking at several months on just my small income. Obviously, DH is incredibly stressed right now and taking his anger out on me (any conversation about the outlook for him ends with him shouting at me and telling me I'm not supportive).

Problem is, I've long since stopped feeling supportive...I actually just feel furious and annoyed. I wanted to save the inheritance for our DC and their future, not spend it on ourselves because we can't cover our own costs. If I knew things were going to turn out this way then I'd never have given up work and effectively started a new career myself (which DH encouraged me to do).

I know that no-one is dying. I know he's not abusive or having an affair or anything catastrophic. In many ways I have a lot to be grateful for. But I feel like I'm at a point where the resentment is eating me up and I've lost respect for him. Also sick of scrimping and saving and having him take his work stress out on me. Has anyone been in a similar position and come back from it?

I'm super unhappy in my current job. I'm stressed to hell and I know its impacting on my mental and physical health. However I am a lone parent with three kids to support and a mortgage to pay. Walking out with no job to go to is not an option and I would bitterly resent supporting another adult who felt like such behaviour was acceptable.

And how would you feel if you had a large amount of savings in the bank and a working (albeit low earning) spouse bringing in an income? Wouldn't that seem like a better position to quit a job? And follow up, wouldn't you "bitterly resent" an adult who insisted that they would not support you, even if you had agreed on them taking a 10+ yr career break?

Sorry but why is everyone calling OP selfish. This is how I understand it:

OP got inheritance from her fathers death - the way I see it that is her money. Yes if her and husband split it would be a marital asset bla bla bla. But forget that technicality, the money was left to her by her father. Not her and her husband. Therefore providing her and her husband don't split it is up to her to do as she wishes with it.

Her husbands career as she describes it is nosediving, he's made bad decisions and has quit jobs - it is likely that this is because he knows there's money available so the house won't be repossessed, bills can still be paid. If said money wasn't available the husband would be putting more effort into making progress with earnings as there would be more on the line.

OP is annoyed because she is watching the money her dad has left her being spent on everyday normalities because her husband is starting to become slack. So yeah I'd be annoyed too.

What would he be doing if the money wasn't available? He'd be finding solutions to make it work.

Also - in any of this has he actually asked OP how she feels about using the inheritance this way or apologised?

Obviously in a worst case scenario the inheritance money would have to be used to get the family out of a hole - but I think the issue is that OP feels that the husband could be doing more to prevent the inheritance from being used.

I’m not sure you can get this back. You clearly think this man is an incompetent an idiot and a liar. I’m sure he didn’t mean to make bad decisions but he has and if you are entirely out of sympathy that’s fair enough but it’s also the end of the marriage.

So basically you’re a low earner, saw your inheritance as yours, gave up work, retrained, now earn very little and you’re pissed your husband isn’t earning more to keep the five of you without putting additional burden on you?

Aye that’s pleasant.

I know he's not abusive or having an affair or anything catastrophic.

It is kind of abuse- financial abuse as he's milking you for your savings and causing you stress by being financially unreliable for you and your four DC. There must be a lot that has to be paid for.

I think most women would find their DH losing job after job and being unreliable/leeching annoying. Especially as he's taking it out on you.

He is relying on you, his wife, and failing to work consistently. My dad was like this when I was a teenager and I lost all respect for him. Your kids might end up thinking he's pathetic for you having to bail him out too. Effectively as dependent on you as a child sometimes. My mum ended up having to go full time for several years to support the family and enable us to keep our home by herself. They divorced eventually, a few years later. I kept saying she should. Then one day on one of the instances when I was sixteen I said after several other times in the past, 'you should leave him,' she replied 'I've rented a house.'

You could tell him that might/will end up what happens. Your kids will see everything that's going on if he keeps doing it (and there is a strong risk that at one point you'll end up the sole earner for the whole family too- in fact at some points you already are.

We might have to pretend it's not this way, but most of us are not looking for this in a man- a pathetic unreliable dependent child is not attractive and often loses all our respect. When that point comes- my dad even used to call my mum 'Mummy,' the relationship is effectively over for a lot of women.

[quote birdonawire123]@Darkpheonix - glass ceiling. Even if DH and I were on identical salaries before we had kids, it's immensely likely that he would be the higher earner without taking four maternity leaves. As it was, he was already the higher earner, so for me to do the majority of childcare seemed like an absolute no brainer.[/quote]
Where did I say it needs explaining? I am a full time working mother and was a single parent. I know exactly what it is

Both you and dh chose for you to stay at home because you wanted to. The glass ceiling doesn't mean women should quit work and do lower paid work.

You did it because you wanted to and that is a no brainer.

Where it falls apart is choosing to do lower paid work. You decided o retrain in a lower income role.

You must have been qualified, at least 5 years? And still not earning much.

He shouldn't have lied, though its not really clear what that issue was.

But you also had part in some of the decisions that have turned out poorly. Not just him. And for the last 2 years, it seems its not been about his decision making. It's been, largely, out of his control.

What's your plan if you do split up? Or if he died or got sick and couldn't work.

I'm assuming thta in the past when you've had to dip into the savings whilst he gets another job, that as soon as he's working, you put back in? Or at least ahd the opportunity to?

Posts like these make me realise how lucky I am with my partner

Both you and dh chose for you to stay at home because you wanted to.

@Darkpheonix I'm not an expert, but I imagine it's not much of a choice once a woman has four LOs, it just makes more sense in terms of the cost of childcare etc. And it's a choice a lot of families make if they have the means.

Also OP was financially contributing to that choice herself via her savings.

Where it falls apart is choosing to do lower paid work. You decided o retrain in a lower income role.

It's a temporarily lower paid role. Also maybe it was something that gave her more flexibility for the kids etc (you know women choosing to do that isn't rare.)

@Hont1986

I'm super unhappy in my current job. I'm stressed to hell and I know its impacting on my mental and physical health. However I am a lone parent with three kids to support and a mortgage to pay. Walking out with no job to go to is not an option and I would bitterly resent supporting another adult who felt like such behaviour was acceptable.

And how would you feel if you had a large amount of savings in the bank and a working (albeit low earning) spouse bringing in an income? Wouldn't that seem like a better position to quit a job? And follow up, wouldn't you "bitterly resent" an adult who insisted that they would not support you, even if you had agreed on them taking a 10+ yr career break?

"And how would you feel if you had a large amount of savings in the bank and a working (albeit low earning) spouse bringing in an income? Wouldn't that seem like a better position to quit a job? And follow up, wouldn't you "bitterly resent" an adult who insisted that they would not support you, even if you had agreed on them taking a 10+ yr career break?"

If I had a large amount of savings, say enough to last for 6 months, I still wouldn't be able to walk opt of my job - but that's me - a bit risk averse.

If I had a partner I would 100% discuss this option with them - but you are assuming the OP had a 'career break' and did nothing when she has already said she raised 4 kids and retrained during the time she was not actively earning ....

@me4real

Both you and dh chose for you to stay at home because you wanted to.

@Darkpheonix I'm not an expert, but I imagine it's not much of a choice once a woman has four LOs, it just makes more sense in terms of the cost of childcare etc. And it's a choice a lot of families make if they have the means.

Also OP was financially contributing to that choice herself via her savings.

Where it falls apart is choosing to do lower paid work. You decided o retrain in a lower income role.

It's a temporarily lower paid role. Also maybe it was something that gave her more flexibility for the kids etc (you know women choosing to do that isn't rare.)

Yes I am aware that women often do this.

That's not the conversation. Op said part of her decision was because women's pay is impact by mat leave and the general glass ceiling.

The reason she quite work was that itvwas best for them. Not because she would earn less that she may have done if she hadn't had kids

And having 4 kids is a choice as well. It's also a financial choice. Op had a hand in thay choice as well.

Its not a temporary low paid role. This started 15 years ago. If her last child had just been born she would have started retraining at least 10 years ago, when that child was 5 and in school.

What do you class as temporary? It seems op, has been in this job for quite a long time.

So if your DH is not doing well enough (in your eyes) to live without dipping in to savings, why don't you go back to work full time and become the main earner? Why is it all on him? That would save you dipping into the inheritance.

If the money wouldn't be available you'd all make different decisions. You need to make the money unavailable. Is it enough to invest in some holiday cabin somewhere to rent out? That way it generates some income and in the future you can sell it to help the kids or whatever.

Or any such scheme. If it isn't sitting there in a bank account then you'll all do something else like the rest of us because you have to. With this money in the bank it WILL be gone sooner or later.

I am baffled at the hard time the OP is getting. Even if there was no inheritance, to make the decision to be a stay at home mum to 4 children and retrain is a perfectly legitimate one and hardly easy peasy. Bloody hell, there's stay at home mums of one child and no training given less of a hard time on here. And Im sorry, but that inheritance is the OP's inheritance and frankly, she and her children (the bloodline if you will) should be the main beneficiaries. Even apart altogether from it having been used to pick up the slack on his poor choices, he got to have a partner be at home with the children which is infinitely easier tham having two working parents running and racing. So he has hugely benefited already, the resentment surely comes from the fact that there seems to be no end in sight until the well is drained. And if it is, and if the OP found herself seperated, for example, she'd have no inheritance left AND be on the back foot career wise. OP I totally get you. I have a few friends with similar husbands, they seem to go along with it but I would be deeply resentful. Which is so corrosive.

@theleafandnotthetree maybe you're baffled because you're clearly hard of reading. Nobody's suggested that OP took the easy route. Nobody's said retraining whilst caring for 4 young children is a walk in the park.

@HarrisonStickle

I inherited a fairly sizeable amount. The inheritance meant that I could quit work when the DC were little and then retrain when they got to school, which brings us up to now.

So you've used the savings too?

Yeah. From her parents. On looking after their grandchildren and retraining. So still working.

How unreasonable.

I bet they wouldn't be happy to know they were supporting the OP's husband in walking out from a job with no discussion.
Or taking his stress out on her.

My parents would have been furious.

@baileys6904

I'm assuming thta in the past when you've had to dip into the savings whilst he gets another job, that as soon as he's working, you put back in? Or at least ahd the opportunity to?

Posts like these make me realise how lucky I am with my partner

She hasn't said the money went back. I don't think her Dh's earnings have been what was expected/

And it seems the well may be running dry

@theleafandnotthetree

I am baffled at the hard time the OP is getting. Even if there was no inheritance, to make the decision to be a stay at home mum to 4 children and retrain is a perfectly legitimate one and hardly easy peasy. Bloody hell, there's stay at home mums of one child and no training given less of a hard time on here. And Im sorry, but that inheritance is the OP's inheritance and frankly, she and her children (the bloodline if you will) should be the main beneficiaries. Even apart altogether from it having been used to pick up the slack on his poor choices, he got to have a partner be at home with the children which is infinitely easier tham having two working parents running and racing. So he has hugely benefited already, the resentment surely comes from the fact that there seems to be no end in sight until the well is drained. And if it is, and if the OP found herself seperated, for example, she'd have no inheritance left AND be on the back foot career wise. OP I totally get you. I have a few friends with similar husbands, they seem to go along with it but I would be deeply resentful. Which is so corrosive.

Anyone that gets money from an inheritance is in for a rough ride on here It is totally acceptable to want money that came from her dad to be used in the best way possible and to hopefully help his grandchildren who he may or may not have had a chance to meet. OP has an emotional connection to this money and it must be pretty depressing to not see it used to its best advantage. To her dh the money is quite possibly just bonus cash.

Her dh earned much more in the past and contributed far more than she did financially and that was apparently ok because he is a man. Seems it’s nothing ok for her to contribute her «inheritance» even if she earns very little and doesn’t otherwise pull her weight financially.

Why does it make sense for op to give up work and not her dh? Why is it ok for her not to earn but not for him?

I am a single mum and I agree with a pp that I would never give up a job without another to go to like ops dh. Neither would I have four kids when I only had a low paid job though. Both parents have to take responsibility for finances imo.

Thing is OP none of us are clairvoyant and It’s easy to see things as poor decisions in hindsight , but maybe looked like the right thing to do at the time. I don’t think some people understand too that in some industries covid has been disastrous— live music— a lot of broadcasting work, some hospitality and if your CV is all in those industry’s and you are slightly more mature in years, your options can be a bit limited. I understand your frustrations totally but it is what it is and unless you want to end the relationship you have to work with things as they are now — don’t worry about inheritance aspect— if you need it— you need it

I'm very confused by some of the earlier responses on here. In your position @birdonawire123, I'd be peed off. I'd also be very peed off that he's taking out his anger on you. That's not on, at all, ever.

I don't know how you get past this, I don't think I could.

@Lostthetastefordahlias

It seems like you have also been able to take advantage of the financial situation of your family to do what you want to do, i.e. not work while DC were small and then retrain - or does it not feel that way to you? Should DH not also have that advantage? I can’t quite understand your perspective here - it seems like something is missing from the story? Is there other reasons for resentment apart from his career not being quite what you hoped it would be?

Just to say OP your subsequent posts make it clearer why you are feeling so resentful (the lying, the acting unilaterally) and I am sorry DH has let you down like this. I wonder how he sees it all, as this thread has shown, it is difficult to talk across the potentially wide gap in perception here.

I might have missed if you’ve said just how much inheritance you received (and how much has been spent). Sorry, I know it’s a personal question. I think it’s probably important though . I can understand your concern. I think I would probably try and make it less available. Invest a certain amount for each child, for example, so that you know it’s protected (in a junior isa). Put some into pensions. Divide up a portion for an emergency fund. Etc. It will need to be a discussion with DH.
I think overall it’s a question of managing that money and making it less available .

I think people don’t understand how disrespected one can feel when someone seems to be thoughtlessly relying on you to be their safety net. It’s not about money really - it’s about respect.

But wasn't the OP relying on her DH to be her safety net?

I've always been the main earner and I find it unbearably stressful sometimes. Maybe these bad decisions of the DH were made because he was fed up with being the one who had to go out and earn enough to raise 4 kids while the OP got to stay at home and "retrain". I know I'd resent that if my DH did that with an inheritance and then bemoaned that I'd made bad career choices.

And this glass ceiling talk is so irrelevant. Maybe it's true that you could never earn the same as him in a particular industry, but I'm a woman and my husband was a stay at home dad. It exists

I find the glass ceiling argument baffling as well. If you acknowledge that women tend to earn less and that their careers are impacted by having children, then having 4 children and giving up work because "it was a no-brainer" is hardly helping you. Those are the choices a woman makes when they see their career as less important than their husband's.