DH - big career/money issues. I feel done.

[birdonawire123]

Namechanged as possibly outing. I could really use advice from anyone who has experienced similar or could offer advice.

DH and I have been together a long time. Broadly, happily married. 4 kids. Pre DC, DH was always the higher earner working in a more lucrative industry. Sadly, about 15 years ago my father died (mum died when I was a teen) and I inherited a fairly sizeable amount. The inheritance meant that I could quit work when the DC were little and then retrain when they got to school, which brings us up to now.

Unfortunately, DH's career seems to have been on a nosedive for the past decade. Some of it isn't his fault (his industry was hit by the pandemic, for example), but some of it is. In the past he's quit a couple of jobs (safe in the knowledge that we have enough savings to cover mortgage etc), and made several bad decisions when it comes to work.

We are now reeling on the back of yet more bad news - the company he is currently working for has financial issues and can't afford to raise his salary as they initially promised. He's working for less than he should be already, and might actually be out of a job altogether in the new year, so looks like we'll be dipping YET AGAIN into savings to cover costs. Again, this isn't entirely his fault that the company is going up the creek , but it's massively worrying. He's not in a sector where he can easily find another well paid role, either. So again, we might be looking at several months on just my small income. Obviously, DH is incredibly stressed right now and taking his anger out on me (any conversation about the outlook for him ends with him shouting at me and telling me I'm not supportive).

Problem is, I've long since stopped feeling supportive...I actually just feel furious and annoyed. I wanted to save the inheritance for our DC and their future, not spend it on ourselves because we can't cover our own costs. If I knew things were going to turn out this way then I'd never have given up work and effectively started a new career myself (which DH encouraged me to do).

I know that no-one is dying. I know he's not abusive or having an affair or anything catastrophic. In many ways I have a lot to be grateful for. But I feel like I'm at a point where the resentment is eating me up and I've lost respect for him. Also sick of scrimping and saving and having him take his work stress out on me. Has anyone been in a similar position and come back from it?

OP, I feel bad for you, you've had a rough ride with bereavements and you're obviously going through something here which is why you'd post. Please don't think I'm attacking you, I'm just trying to give you some context.

The past decade has been - globally and especially in some industries - a huge time of stagnation. My DH's earnings in that decade, from age 31 to 41 when he'd been expecting to really leap forward, didn't increase AT ALL. So there's a lot of reasons to think this isn't personal to your DP's bad decisions, personal shortcomings, etc.

At the end of the day, as PPs have said, you and he made some team decisions based on optimistic projections, and things went against you. As a family you're still financially ok which is great.

And your question is how can his career stagnation not cause resentment in you - I think only you can answer that. My DH's similar stagnation doesn't cause resentment in me. But we never had a "male provider, female carer" dynamic and so him not being in that provider role doesn't affect how I feel for him.

You might want to get some counselling to talk this through and see what else id going on for you that makes this feel so hard. Did your own parents have a strong provider/carer model that you grew up with? Is it conditioned into you that men provide? Your feelings aren't wrong. It's just about finding peace with the life you're living, not comparing it to what your head tells you "should" be going on.

Best of luck working through it, whatever you decide.

Keep up with the saving and job progression. It’s a hard slog, but with both of you pulling together you’ll be in the best financial position you can be in. Resentment is not going to help. Look forward to what you can do to optimise the situation for everyone. Be pragmatic.

You may have already done this, but I'd suggest sitting down together next weekend when you have an hour or two and having a calm discussion about your future. You're a financial partnership and you need to come up with a viable plan for the next decade or so (you don't say how old your children are, you may need to plan even further out).

While having the inherited nest egg is great for emergencies, dipping into it every few years to cover periods of unemployment isn't great. I'd calculate how much has already been used up and share this with your DH during your discussion. One of you needs to be earning a salary that substantially covers your day-to-day expenses - if he now wants you to move into that role, you both need to work out how to make that happen. Or he'll have to do it.

But you’ve both taken advantage of the inheritance- you to spend time as a SAHP and retrain and him by quitting jobs he dislikes without anything lined up. You’re both equally culpable in using the savings as a safety net rather than saving the money for the kids. The latest situation with the company losing money is completely outside of his control. I think rather than piling the resentment on him, you need to acknowledge your own role in everything. Then sit down and have an adult conversation about financial goals going forward, without any finger pointing, and hopefully get on the same page.

It's ok to feel exhausted. We probably all are at this stage. We have made some bad financial decisions recently but then we did not anticipate a pandemic. I guess neither did your DH. But then neither did the WHO!

@girlmom21 - the savings enabled us to save on childcare (in that respect the number of kids one has is indeed relevant!) and for me to also retrain.

@TomelettewithGreggs - great name . Yes we were remiss, but DH's outlook was very different when we made the decision for me to retrain. It's all the bad decisions he made which followed - and impacted on our household income - that I am struggling with.

@Alysskea - I actually wouldn't mind being the higher earner at all. However, even my previous industry (before retraining), I didn't make anywhere close to what DH was earning.

@Cameleongirl

You may have already done this, but I'd suggest sitting down together next weekend when you have an hour or two and having a calm discussion about your future. You're a financial partnership and you need to come up with a viable plan for the next decade or so (you don't say how old your children are, you may need to plan even further out).

While having the inherited nest egg is great for emergencies, dipping into it every few years to cover periods of unemployment isn't great. I'd calculate how much has already been used up and share this with your DH during your discussion. One of you needs to be earning a salary that substantially covers your day-to-day expenses - if he now wants you to move into that role, you both need to work out how to make that happen. Or he'll have to do it.

@Cameleongirl has it spot on I think.

Your dh walking out of a job without discussing it with you is awful, Op.

The rest seems like a mixture of bad luck and bad decision making.

Hope that you manage to find a way through this.

@AnneElliott

I don't get why the op is being called selfish? It seems like the DH has made rubbish decisions safe in the knowledge that there's savings to fall back on.

But why should b he get to make bad decisions or walk out of jobs? That's not an adult response surely?

And OP has also made decisions that reduced her earnings safe in the knowledge there are savings to fallback on. But her decisions are fine and his aren't apparently. OP says enabled by her inheritance not DHs salary but would it have been an option if he was a lower earner?

Hang on. You’ve used the money to quit your job. Why can’t he use it to support his career now too ?

I think your getting a hard time OP.
If you had left out the part about inheritance and just said savings (everyone expects inheritance to be huge sums of money) then everyone would be saying he needs to pull his head out his arse and sort himself out.

I would say you both need to sit down, go through all your outgoings etc and work out if you can make any savings, then set aside an amount from your savings to cover bills etc whilst hes job hunting but be clear this is the last time you dip into them. Also he needs to be proactive in looking for a job, days of dossing about aren't on nor are any extra expenses.

Emergencies happen and that's what savings are for, but to continue to walk out of jobs, not look at the bigger family picture is selfish on his part, like you say savings can only last so long and the job world is a different place these days.

I think you have both been supportive of each other at different times, and yes you say the inheritance is family money but what would he have done if it wasn't there to cover him?!

Also if your the one keeping a check on finances etc it does become an extra stress and one that from your post he doesn't seem to always see so I can see why the resentment builds up. All I can think of on this one is try to take a step back, get a plan of action together, and then talk through things openly and clearly.

For many people staying at home is a more financially viable option than going out to work in terms of childcare costs.

OP I think couples counseling would help. I can see why you're resentful but perhaps he feels like he's made the best decisions he could at the time. I don't think most people make decisions in order to fail. You need to be communicating and trying to see each others' POV but it sounds like resentment on both sides is getting in the way. Get some support as you don't want to make an already stressful time worse with a marriage breakdown x

I agree household money is for all.

But also understand that an inheritance, should you be lucky to have one, is a one off to be used wisely.

So you are where you are.

Calmly sit down and ringfence some of it for the kids. Explain your concerns. Put the numbers on the table. Work out your minimal outgoings and explain that this needs to be brought to the table each month.

The time for career navel gazing is over. He needs to start looking for another job if his current position is uncertain.

I am a SAHM and it was made crystal clear what the expectations of Mr were for this to happen.

I have an inheritance ringfenced for the kids if need be or us in the future.

We work together.

We do bicker a bit, A Very Little Bit, about money but have always said it's s finite resource and especially having kids the ,(excuse the expression) buck stops with us.

Yes I would use the money to stop us falling but not forever.

Things have just slidden.

Just be calm and honest. Express your fears.

the savings enabled us to save on childcare (in that respect the number of kids one has is indeed relevant!) and for me to also retrain.

No that's just a different way that you chose to spend the inheritance. If you hadn't had the inheritance you'd have carried on working full time presumably, as that's what you were already doing.

Instead, you chose to spend more time with your children and retrain for a job which you presumably earn less in, judging by what you've said but I might be wrong, by living off the savings...

I feel for you and dont think you are selfish at all! (Quite the opposite in fact) Your DH has seemed to feel this inheritance is a safety blanket to fall back on in uncertain times .In one way he is being selfish ,because if this didnt exist he wouldnt be able to leave a job so easily .I see what you mean about wanting the money to secure your DC futures.However it is difficult to plan 15 years in advance .Anything can happen and 4 DC will need a good supply of cash to pay for them! ATM you are working which is good obv. He is in part a victim of circumstance as well .Many careers have taken a nosedive in the pandemic . Hopefully he will be able to get a new career or retrain? Meantime try and realise that he has been working and you have managed to retrain as well .Your inheritance has not been wasted ,but used wisely .You have managed to retrain (well done) and looked after DC when they are young as well

@WoolyMammoth55, @Cuddlemuffin- thank you for your understanding and wise words. You've given me some things to think about.

@WhatsTheEffingPoint - I think you're right re inheritance. It's not a large sum of money by any stretch, and to those who are suggesting like I'm some sort of selfish princess, believe me - I would FAR rather have two living parents than have lost one aged 13 and one aged 32.

And to those who seem to think there's some sort of double standard going on here, I might point out again that every career decision I've made I've discussed with DH. He's not only NOT done the same because he's made decisions entirely without consulting me, but also lied about things - reassuring me that jobs were good, salaries would increase etc etc. Yes, some of this is totally beyond his control (hello Covid), but some of it WAS in his control and that is what's difficult to get past.

@girlmom21 - again, using this money for me to retrain whilst also caring for the kids was a JOINT decision that DH firmly encouraged us to take, and strongly reassured me that all would be fine in terms of our future income. Yes, it's my 'own fault' for believing him I suppose, but the difference is that he then made several further decisions by himself that have ended badly - I think I'm allowed to be annoyed with that?

I think many of the other posters are being very tough on you OP, I don't think you have been selfish - I think you were right to use this to retrain, and ultimately it is YOUR money.
I think when you are married, income earned during the marriage should be shared, but inheritances are a bit different (almost as if you are care-taking someone's money - especially if you want it to go to the children).
Anyway I think if you want your husband to step up, you need to take away the safety net : put the remaining money in some sort of trust of something which is difficult to access. This will take away this 'psychological safety net', and will force you both to live within your means (excluding inheritance) - he probably wouldn't have made some of those decisions (eg walk out of a job) if he hadn't had that net in the back of his mind. And then have a calm discussion, focused on the future (ie how can he start earning more), not recriminating about the past.

"If I knew things were going to turn out this way then I'd never have given up work and effectively started a new career myself (which DH encouraged me to do)."

You say he made bad choices re his career, but you made the choice to quit work and retrain and you are blaming that on him too, saying he encouraged you to do that. But his encouragement is only one input, you were the one making the choice. In other words, you also made a bad choice (in hindsight). You are blaming his choices on him and your choices on him. That is not really fair.

At the time you decided to quit work and retrain, you didn't know that you would need to dip into your inheritance at times. So you can say that AT THE TIME it was a reasonable choice. But the same is true for him: when he encouraged you to change careers, he didn't know that the future work environment would be so unstable. If you are going to absolve yourself because of your inability to predict the future, why do you not give him the same grace?

The world economy is not doing great. It's not his fault that his company is in bad straits. So instead of blaming him for his possible future job loss, maybe you should put more focus into being grateful that, unlike many other people who are struggling under financial problems, you have the safety net of your inheritance to fall back on.

I know lots of very talented, very hardworking, people with excellent judgement, who have gone through extended periods of unemployment in the last decade. Good judgement does not mean that you magically avoid unemployment. It means that you live sufficiently within your means that if you DO have a period of unemployment, you are able to weather that.

It's not completely invalid to judge his career decisions as wise/unwise, you know him quite well. At the same time, you are "backseat driving" his career a bit. It's easy to say "he should have done x instead of y," but in reality you don't know that y would have worked any better.

@dottiedodah - thank you.

Sorry I mean you don't know that x would have worked better.

If it helps, OP, many years ago DH got a job which was very, very well paid but also completely life changing ( not always in a good way). I had my doubts about it, but went along because we both come from very modest backgrounds and the money was too good to refuse. Well, the money was fine, but the stress it has caused us has made me very resentful and grumpy. So money isn't everything ( though it is a lot).

He should not be taking his work stress out on you, ever.

Your issue is he is making decisions based on the savings you have been used as a cushion constantly. So it gets eroded away year on year instead of being kept to one side for important things. I understand that. You need to have a conversation and explain your concerns, without judgement, then you need to find a way to lock it up so it’s not so readily accessible.

Could you put 10k away for each DC (or another amount depending how much your savings are)? You may then feel less resentful of the rest being spent to maintain life.

"and made several bad decisions when it comes to work"

What are these?

I don’t think you are being ridiculously selfish.. I think he’s made poor choices that have affected you all & you feel annoyed he’s not made better ones or seen some of this coming!
Agree it’s not dire but sounds like you expected better/different choices from him & he’s not done as you wished. I don’t think you are being selfish in regard to the money but perhaps some of it could be used to help weather this storm, it’s what savings are for. I think you need to talk to him and have a clear plan of action from both sides as to how you can live without using savings. Seems to me the issue is you don’t agree on using the savings for the same end. Xo