At risk of sounding shallow

[stillvicarinatutu]

Would you date a man who was lovely , funny, smart, clearly adored you but is obese .

I ask as I'm meeting someone for a walk and a coffee , it's online dating and this will be our first meeting although we facetime , talk on phone and text , he makes me laugh so much , he's kind, sweet, sharp as a tack , he clearly wants a relationship and is losing weight at a rate of knots - like 7lb over 3 weeks . He put the weight on as he became agoraphobic, but he has overcome this which I think shows amazing courage . He loves clothes and has a fab wardrobe waiting for him when he loses a few stone ....
(He's more into clothes than me ! I'm a high street girl !)
I've made it clear until we meet I've no idea if he's friend zoned or not ....

Would someone being about 5 stone overweight bother you from an attraction point of view ?

I'm not overweight at all. I'm no Kate moss but I've always kept my weight down even when it's been a struggle sometimes.

I am encouraging him with his weight loss because he wants to do it and had already started that journey before we met ....

If he was happy at the size he is I'd not think about it but I'd probably not find him physically attractive either ....

Thoughts please.

I'm not attracted to obese people.
If that makes me an awful person, so be it.

If there's no attraction, relationship is doomed.

I wouldn't be attracted and, to me, it would indicate an incompatible lifestyle with regard to food and exercise.

The minute he stops trying to lose weight will piss you off and you will be too far in then

Been there got the T-shirt.

Actually thought you were taking about my ex!

Weight doesn't bother me, but the wardrobe of designer clothes 'waiting for him' is a bit weird imho.

The clothes are all stuff he used to wear before the weight went on

This is doom mongering so ignore it if you want but...

Be very careful here, I'm not saying it will happen but he may have built you up in his head as his 'goal',
"If i just lose a bit more weight she'll love me"

and if you say no to a relationship he may, just may, try to spin things back on you and attempt emotional blackmail etc.
"You don't want me so why should I diet any more?"

If you get any hint that he's making you responsible for his actions, run far and fast.

(But obviously I don't know details of anything and I'm just thinking out loud so ignore me)

Well were meeting for
Coffee at the weekend - if there's no attraction I think we'd be friends . We like the same music and film , he's funny as , and I like him , just don't know if I could fancy him....guess I'll find out very soon

I don't find obesity attractive, so no.

I would date someone who isn't physically my ideal, if there was a spark there and I found him attractive.
Sometimes the attraction begins as soon as they start speaking.

So he was slim, had a medical event and gained some weight and is now heading back to his normal weight? Seems like no big deal. Kind of like you would still expect someone to fancy you when you had a thyroid disorder and had gained lots of weight but were now on meds and we’re going back to your standard

Tbh either way even if he was 5 stone overweight if there was chemistry then yes. I would rather a nice funny attractive fat person than a buff dickhead.
In the same way I would hope someone would see that I had more to me than an extra 10kg.

How "obese" I am obese by BMI standards but wear a size 12 and look average.

He is making strides to lose the weight and weight is something that can be changed. If he's everything else you'd look for I'd date him.

But you have to be prepared that he may stop working out/dieting, relapse etc so if you truly can't see yourself with a larger person then call it quits now.

It would be awful to be with him while he's on this slimming down journey and then leave him if he stops. Basically saying straight up that you're leaving him because of his size

I’m obese, four stone overweight, if anybody is shallow enough to have a problem with that they can jog on. That’s what I suggest you do.

It wouldn't bother me, only from a health perspective, as being overweight can raise BP for instance.

Yeah, I love him v much x

Plus I am a stone overweight according to the bmi chart and sometimes wear a size 8 on top. Usually a 10. An XS in H&M. Short too so it’s not that. BMI is crap.

Sex isn't great with an overweight man, particularly if he's on top.

I would not be physically attracted to him no. It's great if he loses the weight but I wouldn't make it a condition of dating me as that would be messed up.

I am with one, I love him the most for that lovely nature of someone who is not relying on his looks to be attractive. He is really good fun, great at conversations and very very caring.

Interestingly, he lost the extra weight and looks really handsome these days. I, on the other hand…

@JustThisLastLittleBit

I’m obese, four stone overweight, if anybody is shallow enough to have a problem with that they can jog on. That’s what I suggest you do.

Sexual attraction or lack thereof isn't shallow

My partner was and is obese. He's also loving, gentle, caring and kind. I like his face very much! Obviously, there are health implications which we've talked about many times over the years together, but there is a reason why he finds it so difficult. I'd say meet him, then you'll see if there's a spark between you.

DH was big when we met, he's lost and gained weight over the years and we are both addressing the lockdown pounds together. I don't have the 24 inch waist I had when we married.
He was, and remains, the funniest, kindest man I have ever known. He is intelligent and can hold interesting conversations about a range of subjects. He is keen to explore new things, the world and further develop his understanding of new topics.
My previous partner was lovely, but mainly talked about computers, cricket and Spurs. He wanted to go on holiday to the same place every year and had plans for us to marry and live a mile from his family. He was much slimmer.
There's a reason I'm married to DH (and have been for 22 years).

I would meet him and see if you click. He could be the perfect man physically and might leave you cold. I have to admit, I find obesity a bit of a turn off but I would hate to miss out on a great relationship because I didn't keep an open mind about meeting someone.

How long have you been talking to him?

What is his height and weight?

Have you investigated all his social media and family social media?

Personally, I'm not attracted to overweight men or projects.

Don’t encourage him on his weight loss as it’s up to him and what happens if he doesn’t lose any or puts more on?

Some people wouldn’t mind 5 stone overweight. I wouldn’t mind a stone but personally I think 5 stone is a lot so you would have to accept him as he is. I think you should leave it based on your comments.

@NynaeveSedai my point is that OP hasn’t met him to test the physical spark, she’s just looking at stats. That’s shallow. Obviously the spark is the key thing!