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Original poster

At risk of sounding shallow

272 replies

stillvicarinatutu · 26/11/2021 16:05

Would you date a man who was lovely , funny, smart, clearly adored you but is obese .

I ask as I'm meeting someone for a walk and a coffee , it's online dating and this will be our first meeting although we facetime , talk on phone and text , he makes me laugh so much , he's kind, sweet, sharp as a tack , he clearly wants a relationship and is losing weight at a rate of knots - like 7lb over 3 weeks . He put the weight on as he became agoraphobic, but he has overcome this which I think shows amazing courage . He loves clothes and has a fab wardrobe waiting for him when he loses a few stone ....
(He's more into clothes than me ! I'm a high street girl !)
I've made it clear until we meet I've no idea if he's friend zoned or not ....

Would someone being about 5 stone overweight bother you from an attraction point of view ?

I'm not overweight at all. I'm no Kate moss but I've always kept my weight down even when it's been a struggle sometimes.

I am encouraging him with his weight loss because he wants to do it and had already started that journey before we met ....

If he was happy at the size he is I'd not think about it but I'd probably not find him physically attractive either ....

Thoughts please.

OP posts:
IDontLikeMondays88 · 27/11/2021 01:28

It’s a racist comment.

Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 27/11/2021 01:37

I don't

It wasn't . It was a comment with examples of many different traits to illustrate a point .

I did not feel it was racist.

OP posts:
TedMullins · 27/11/2021 01:41

There’s a massive difference between using an example of something in the abstract and actually saying it as an opinion you hold, that’s not a difficult concept to comprehend. Especially as the point here is that attraction can be prejudiced!

BobbieT1999 · 27/11/2021 02:01

I've made it clear until we meet I've no idea if he's friend zoned or not ....

Ouch, sounds a bit brutal!

Hoping you didn't say that to him?!

Chemistry is a funny thing, even if he wasn't overweight you wouldn't know if you had it until you met in person so just wait and see if there's a spark. You can always take it slowly.

Also he's tall(ish) so he might appear more "well-built" than "fat" which is what your worried about.

Personally I find that if I find someone as attractive as you describe, carrying extra weight doesn't put me off!

Bettybantz · 27/11/2021 02:09

I just think, date the person they are, not the person they are going to be. If you like them overweight, then they trim down, great, bit don’t start out wanting to change them. That’s a hiding for nothing

gofg · 27/11/2021 02:43

I would rather a nice funny attractive fat person than a buff dickhead.

So would I. However, according to some posters on MN all people who are not of an ideal weight should be doomed to being alone forever.

saying you don’t find Scottish people attractive is just racist. Reporting your comment.

For crying out loud - chill out and stop taking things so seriously!!

ISpyCobraKai · 27/11/2021 02:48

No, I wouldn't find them sexually attractive and that's important to me.
It doesn't mean judging them, or not wanting to be around them etc, but still, no.

NynaeveSedai · 27/11/2021 05:45

@Herecomesthesun70

He doesn't sound obese to me. A couple of stone extra on a tall man won't be that obvious he'll just look cuddly. He sounds lovely to me. Have a lovely time tomorrow and let us know how it goes
Obese isn't a subjective measure. He is obese. Whether you view obese men as cuddly or not doesn't change that.
NynaeveSedai · 27/11/2021 05:48

[quote Almostmenopausal]@stillvicarinatutu OP, do him a huge favour and let him go. He can do a hell of a lot better and deserves someone who adores him FOR all that he is, not in spite of it [/quote]
So nasty!
The OP is attracted to his personality but possibly not to his body. That's not a moral failing on her part!

NynaeveSedai · 27/11/2021 05:50

@tarasmalatarocks

I’m going to be honest, a bit of excess weight doesn’t really bother me at all in terms of the relationship, so long as it’s not totally huge, (and he doesn’t sound it) but the problem is that sexually I struggle— I’m not massively that way at the best of times - add an extra 4 stone , even if they are lovely and I simply find it hard to feel sexually attracted and I realise I am a total hypocrite as a size 16 myself
I'm about 4 stone overweight myself but that doesn't mean I feel guilty or hypocritical about not being sexually attracted to obese men. I don't expect anyone to fancy me if I'm not their cup of tea (I am plenty of peoples cup of tea) and I don't berate myself for not fancying certain body types either.
NynaeveSedai · 27/11/2021 05:53

[quote IDontLikeMondays88]@TedMullins saying you don’t find Scottish people attractive is just racist. Reporting your comment.

Nothing more unattractive than a racist….[/quote]
No it isn't
It's a bit weird but it's not racist

NynaeveSedai · 27/11/2021 05:54

@gofg

I would rather a nice funny attractive fat person than a buff dickhead.

So would I. However, according to some posters on MN all people who are not of an ideal weight should be doomed to being alone forever.

saying you don’t find Scottish people attractive is just racist. Reporting your comment.

For crying out loud - chill out and stop taking things so seriously!!

Who said overweight people should be alone forever? As this thread has evidenced plenty of women actively prefer large men. It's all about preference. There's a lock for every key and all that.
Fairylights25 · 27/11/2021 06:10

I don't know about the weight but his issues about going out would be a bigger problem for me, I would not want my life ruined in this way, and I believe it is a very long term, sometimes life long condition.

I love being outside and going out, so this would be my idea of hell.

drunkensailorette · 27/11/2021 06:37

So many people on here saying they couldn't fancy him, yet whenever there's a post about attractive celebrities Greg Davies comes out top (I'd wager with his large belly he would be classed as obese)

I would just go with the flow OP, you won't know until you meet him. People who are classed as obese on the charts can be all different shapes and sizes (plenty of rugby players would be obese for example) however as others have mentioned, don't be his motivation. If he's losing the weight it needs to be for himself and not for you.

IDontLikeMondays88 · 27/11/2021 06:39

@tedmlins The point is that being Scottish its not a physical attribute - the rest of your examples are. So someone saying I don’t like to date Scottish people is definitely racist. But I take your point that that’s not your opinion it’s just an example. It’s a pretty weird example to give though and I don’t think people would be telling me to “chill out” had your example been Chinese people (for example).

category12 · 27/11/2021 06:50

The Scots aren't a race, that's a nationality. So it's bigotry or prejudice, rather than racism.

IDontLikeMondays88 · 27/11/2021 07:08

@category12 I’ll defer to your knowledge on the definition of racism.

However my general point remains that being Scottish not a physical characteristic equivalent with being fat. The fact that it’s thrown in as an example equivalent to being hairy is just quite weird.

NynaeveSedai · 27/11/2021 07:27

Potentially people could be put off by a Scottish accent. I know there are a couple of accents I don't like and would probably mean I wouldn't be attracted to a person with that accent.
Not being sexually attracted to people doesn't have to be PC. It just is.

IDontLikeMondays88 · 27/11/2021 07:38

I think you are going to down a slippery slope there. Is it really ok to write off whole group of people based on race/nationality/accents.
I would say this is bigotry and if the example used was anything other than Scottish the comments on this thread wouldn’t be accepted

Seriously79 · 27/11/2021 07:57

I say go for it.

I've always preferred chunkier men.

5128gap · 27/11/2021 08:21

@IDontLikeMondays88

I think you are going to down a slippery slope there. Is it really ok to write off whole group of people based on race/nationality/accents. I would say this is bigotry and if the example used was anything other than Scottish the comments on this thread wouldn’t be accepted
When it comes to sexual attraction and who you wish to date, the usual issues around discrimination cannot apply. Otherwise you are indeed on a slippery slope. I reserve my right to reject all women as sexual partners. I am not a misogynist. I do not wish to date men over 70 or under 25. I am not ageist. If a Scottish accent is unattractive to someone they have every right not to have sex with someone with a Scottish accent. Or who is fat, thin, tall, short, blonde....
PyjamasOClock · 27/11/2021 08:28

vicar good luck. I met my new man online and he and I are probably similar BMI and both above 30. It's been a slow burn for me with a bit of thinking through, myself, how I feel about myself and the thought that he might be attracted to me as well as vice versa and giving it time. That's different for you as you are slimmer and no doubt look stunning. I am also physically disabled and I would honestly say there's nothing uncomfortable about sex either. I'd imagine he can, um, support his own weight? He sounds like a lovely guy, hope it goes well.

Mintyt · 27/11/2021 08:53

I would not bother me at all,

IDontLikeMondays88 · 27/11/2021 09:47

@5128gap ok I get that but I’m not sure “being Scottish” should be lumped in there with a list of other unattractive physical attributes. that is bigotry.

IDontLikeMondays88 · 27/11/2021 09:54

So really what everyone is saying is that if you say either of the below statements that is not racist or bigotry:

I will not date black men
I will not date people from China

Then that is not racism/bigotry that is just personal preference?? Really??

Or is it just when it’s the Scots it is ok to say these things?

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