At risk of sounding shallow

[stillvicarinatutu]

Would you date a man who was lovely , funny, smart, clearly adored you but is obese .

I ask as I'm meeting someone for a walk and a coffee , it's online dating and this will be our first meeting although we facetime , talk on phone and text , he makes me laugh so much , he's kind, sweet, sharp as a tack , he clearly wants a relationship and is losing weight at a rate of knots - like 7lb over 3 weeks . He put the weight on as he became agoraphobic, but he has overcome this which I think shows amazing courage . He loves clothes and has a fab wardrobe waiting for him when he loses a few stone ....
(He's more into clothes than me ! I'm a high street girl !)
I've made it clear until we meet I've no idea if he's friend zoned or not ....

Would someone being about 5 stone overweight bother you from an attraction point of view ?

I'm not overweight at all. I'm no Kate moss but I've always kept my weight down even when it's been a struggle sometimes.

I am encouraging him with his weight loss because he wants to do it and had already started that journey before we met ....

If he was happy at the size he is I'd not think about it but I'd probably not find him physically attractive either ....

Thoughts please.

Do you fancy him? Like the idea of sex with him? Therein lies your answer.

Definitely wouldn't get with someone thinking you will fancy them once they lose weight. What if they dont?

No, I don't find myself arrested to obese people, and to me it's usually a sign they don't take care of themselves or are a let down in other areas.

I am obese and I can tell you that, as an obese person, I would not want to date someone who does not find me attractive or who I don't find attractive. Attraction is key.

We’ll just meet him and see, there will be a spark or there won’t. Attraction doesn’t confirm to a set of rules. And honestly, there is a certain school of thought that you shouldn’t date a person who doesn’t tick all your boxes, but life just doesn’t work like that.

He’s loosing weight so it is kind of in hand. You don’t want to make him loosing weight a condition of your relationship because that is messed up. But if it’s important to you - for health and/or attraction you need to be able to talk about that, and he needs to be able to talk about why he gained weight and what overeating does for him, without shame.

So see how it goes. Also if there is any embarrassment about being seen with a fat man for you, you just need to address that in yourself without judgement.

Reading this:

So I'm inclined to give this guy a try and meet up - I really do t think he's a liar - he's been absolutely upfront and honest about his issues and how he's making progress.

I would not give this guy a chance. You've never met him. Discussing issues and insecurities with a virtual stranger is inappropiate and I can only think of two reasons for doing this, neither of them good.

1. He is giving you disclaimers beforehand, meaning that if you meet him and don't find him attractive and tell him you don't want to pursue it any further, he'll blame you for that and you'll see a very different side of him. After all, he did "warn" you.

2. He is looking for a free therapist, meaning you, to improve his life.

OP, I am sorry you had such shit luck with men recently and I can understand how this guy seems a lot better in comparision, but that doesn't make him a good option. In this case I would also run for the hills.

When I first met DH 30 years ago he was a ripped, rugby player with a gorgeous physique. His weight can easily fluctuate by 5 stone over the course of a year depending on how focused he is on work. When he diets it just drops off him, but he also very easily puts it on too. He carries it well because he's 6ft and very broad shouldered, he always has a great arse and muscular legs and arms.

At the moment he's very heavy, pushing 19 stone. But we're off to the Caribbean at Easter and he'll easily lose 4 stone before we go. If he goes below 14st he just looks gaunt and ill.

But, hand on heart it doesn't matter what he weighs. I fancy him at 14st and still fancy him at 19 stone. He has a lot of charisma, he makes me die laughing and he's extremely clever - with that kind of personality you really don't need a 6 pack. He is absolutely the most attractive man I have ever met which is why I married him

@stillvicarinatutu OP, do him a huge favour and let him go. He can do a hell of a lot better and deserves someone who adores him FOR all that he is, not in spite of it

I’m going to be honest, a bit of excess weight doesn’t really bother me at all in terms of the relationship, so long as it’s not totally huge, (and he doesn’t sound it) but the problem is that sexually I struggle— I’m not massively that way at the best of times - add an extra 4 stone , even if they are lovely and I simply find it hard to feel sexually attracted and I realise I am a total hypocrite as a size 16 myself

And no, before the virtue signalling begins, I am NOT suggesting he should be with someone who actually condones obesity. That's not what I meant. Just somebody who isn't put off by it at all. Doesn't even see it. Would love them just the same whether he's fat or thin

Not related to obesity but in my first date with my now husband I didn't physically fancy him but enjoyed his company and had just read a book about seizing the moment. I was quite happily single but when he asked me for a second date, I thought why not! I then quite quickly felt attracted to him and fell in love. Happily married for 10 years! So am always glad I went for the second date!
So i say go for it... if nothing else you may gain a great friend.

I love a big guy so yes, definitely would. I do hope he’s truly changing for him self and you like him big or small though. He sounds lovely.

There has to be an attraction.
That can be personality or looks. But it matters are you attracted to him? If not move on.

I don’t think it’s shallowness. But I think the agoraphobia would be more of an issue for me, I know no one is perfect but a tendency for irrationality would mean I would not be prepared to offer them more than good friendship.

No I wouldn’t sorry. There has to be an attraction and I couldn’t sleep with someone I didn’t find attractive either.

It does seem odd how much of a discussion about his weight there has been given you've never met. If nothing else that sounds incredibly boring.

@stillvicarinatutu

The thread is about whether weight matters to people

I don't know if it does or not yet .

I can't imagine sex would be very comfortable as a 10 stone woman with an 18 stone man though .

I'm just discussing it which is what this place is for no?

His mental health is good now - that's not a issue.

Such mixed responses.

If you love someone and think they are the best thing ever, sex is brilliant. My long term DP is very significantly overweight (and I am small and thin). I fell in love with him very gradually, as a result of working with him for ages, and he still makes me laugh more than anyone else. I also still fancy him more than I've ever fancied anyone else, so the sex is brilliant. We just have to accommodate his stomach sometimes. But we also have to accommodate my cervical prolapse (thanks, DC1). This is the reality of middle-aged shagging!

I fell in love (or lust, really ,one of them) with someone I can categorically say I knew to be ugly (not obese, just bog standard ugly)... but yeah, the attraction became immense. Even though I found him obviously physically unattractive.

I wanted to say I could never fall for someone I found so undesirable... yet I'm probably deluding myself. Attraction is a funny thing. Can't predict it.

Yeah i might if we got on great. Not a dealbreaker for me, although i might be worried it would affect sex

Go to a cosy pub ,have coffee ,chat ,laugh -good luck op .
Weight is such a bad barometer of a person -enjoy life x

I feel like I'm being judged a bit - can I say if I fancy him when we meet it won't make a hot of difference that he's overweight.

We've spent ages on FaceTime tonight and I'm eager to meet him because I genuinely like him .

I aren't dismissing him because of his weight or even because of his mental or physical health . Some posters seem to be implying he deserves way better than me for asking this .....
He said tonight he didn't think for one second I'd reply to his message. I really aren't shallow. I called him a div. I wanted to reply because he was interesting to me.

The country park is off since it's gonna snow ....
So rethink.

Agoraphobic? Well, then you are aware that there are mental health issues...

I recognise your username and I think this is probably a non starter. I know in the past you've had similar threads where you've gone head first in before meeting them etc

I'd dial back all the long flirty chats and just get a date to meet in the diary

I think it depends. Some people are attracted to people based solely on their aesthetic. It's not wrong or right, it's just who you are.

I'm attracted to personality. My husband isn't conventionally attractive but I find him irresistible because of his personality alone, so looks don't matter to me. But I'm also neither right nor wrong for this, just different.

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I don't care for body shapes. I love me a good, kind, funny, sexy man.