At risk of sounding shallow

[stillvicarinatutu]

Would you date a man who was lovely , funny, smart, clearly adored you but is obese .

I ask as I'm meeting someone for a walk and a coffee , it's online dating and this will be our first meeting although we facetime , talk on phone and text , he makes me laugh so much , he's kind, sweet, sharp as a tack , he clearly wants a relationship and is losing weight at a rate of knots - like 7lb over 3 weeks . He put the weight on as he became agoraphobic, but he has overcome this which I think shows amazing courage . He loves clothes and has a fab wardrobe waiting for him when he loses a few stone ....
(He's more into clothes than me ! I'm a high street girl !)
I've made it clear until we meet I've no idea if he's friend zoned or not ....

Would someone being about 5 stone overweight bother you from an attraction point of view ?

I'm not overweight at all. I'm no Kate moss but I've always kept my weight down even when it's been a struggle sometimes.

I am encouraging him with his weight loss because he wants to do it and had already started that journey before we met ....

If he was happy at the size he is I'd not think about it but I'd probably not find him physically attractive either ....

Thoughts please.

I honestly wouldn't. I am very petite so we would immediately look off together as a couple. If this is something that you have as a doubt without even meeting, then it probably wouldn't work out in any case.

If he's losing weight, I don't see why not as he'll just grow increasingly attractive to match his amazing sounding personality

We've had loads of face to face chats and o don't think anyone could fake being warm and funny for that long 🤷🏻‍♀️

I dated a guy for a while who was 10 stone overweight. Yes it was a problem and no he did nothing about it. But I loved his personality and he made me laugh. Sex was crap though. What finished it for me was that he didn't shower, wore absolutely filthy clothes (he was a tree surgeon and wore same clothes to work and to socialise in), his house was absolutely disgusting because he never cleaned or even washed up. Don't start me on the bathroom. He made an effort for the first few dates then thought nothing of farting, burping, picking his nose, leaving a huge mess behind him when he stayed (stained furniture with coffee rings, toilet shit, never offered to clear up or cook or buy any food, stepped back from the bar when we went to the pub to avoid paying). He had so much cash and I was financially struggling with two teenagers. Never again OP. Weigh up everything and what you see now is who he is.

@Mermaidwaves

I'm going to be a dark cloud here but how you can you know all these things about him if you've never actually met in real life? People can create personas of themselves online, it may not translate into real life? Honestly, so sorry if that sounds negative but I used to meet guys online where I thought they were funny, great etc but they weren't always like that in real life!

I would meet him but get to know him in real life terms.

This.

Also, he's obese and agoraphobic, very isolated, and you will have to do all the travelling to him as he doesn't own a car.

As lovely as he may be, is he really someone you can have a relationship with? Breaking agoraphobia by getting onto a dating app seems pretty loaded to me - that's a lot of pressure on you. He should be sorting his life out BEFORE he starts dating women, and getting to a point where he's not isolated, has a life of his own and gets a car so he can go places.

Obese, mentally ill and dependent on his girlfriend for lifts as he can't drive. This would be a non-starter for me.

Breaking agoraphobia by getting onto a dating app seems pretty loaded to me - that's a lot of pressure on you. He should be sorting his life out BEFORE he starts dating women, and getting to a point where he's not isolated, has a life of his own and gets a car so he can go places.

Yes, this

His agoraphobia would almost put me off more to be honest.

The chances are, these issues will occur again and I value travelling, days out, spontaneous activities, etc too much to want to get involved with someone who is likely to want to spend chunks of their time indoors, eating……..

But if you feel this wouldn’t impact on your life too negatively, then meet him and see how it goes……….

@stillvicarinatutu

We've had loads of face to face chats and o don't think anyone could fake being warm and funny for that long 🤷🏻‍♀️

Men can fake it for years and years and years.

Have you ever heard the phrases "Scales fell from my eyes" or "mask slipped"

Don't for a second believe men won't lie, charm, manipulate, gas light etc for as long as a woman is on the hook. (Not all.men obviously..)

I have come across couples,where one of them was "beautiful",the other one quite unnattractive.the moment,the unattractive one started to talk, he/she became attractive.I think for me, it depends more on confidence of a person.A physically attractive person can soon become dull and boring,if there is no brain,wit and confidence.

@stillvicarinatutu

I am really into him , I've never met anyone who makes me laugh so much. He's so funny and kind , and he's a bit naughty in a lovely way that makes me smile, he thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread and treats me with absolute respect . And he fancies me . He makes me feel special . The weather may scupper out meeting however as it's due to snow ! Bugger .

If he's really into clothes determined to getting back to being dapper and all of the above, honestly it would take a lifetime to find a gym bunny and the above.

I would meet him.

See what happens.

@JustThisLastLittleBit

I’m obese, four stone overweight, if anybody is shallow enough to have a problem with that they can jog on. That’s what I suggest you do.

Same. I’m easily 4 stone overweight and DP probably the same. We were both lighter when we met, but I don’t find him any less attractive now. I also find other overweight men attractive.

Adam Richmond from Man V Food for one! Was most annoyed when he lost weight Also love Toby from This is Us. I’d happily shag Jack and Kevin too of course, but Toby is attractive to me too. If o have my head turned when out and about, chances are it’s a big well built fella.

Definitely meet him and see. I have a good feeling.

If he's really into clothes determined to getting back to being dapper and all of the above, honestly it would take a lifetime to find a gym bunny and the above.

TBH I’d lose the gym bunny part and take the rest! In fact on my OLD profile I put that I didn’t want a gym bunny or someone into designer clothes!

I dated a professional body builder who was an absolute arse. One date and I ran for the hills .

Then a model. Again - shallow and self obsessed.

Lots of "normal " men where there was absolutely no connection.

So I'm inclined to give this guy a try and meet up - I really do t think he's a liar - he's been absolutely upfront and honest about his issues and how he's making progress.

'Raised "

I think it's a bit different when you meet someone and over the years you both gain a bit of weight ....

I'm starting out by being a size 10 woman meeting a man who is 5 stone overweight . I think it's a bit different. I used to be 7 stone and married a man of 10 stone. When we split he was 15 stone and I was 10 . But we'd spend 25 years together.

He doesn't sound obese to me. A couple of stone extra on a tall man won't be that obvious he'll just look cuddly. He sounds lovely to me. Have a lovely time tomorrow and let us know how it goes

I think if you're on mn asking about would the weight bother you then I think you have your answer. I would be furious if a person I was starting to date was telling people oh she has this and that wrong and I don't think I'm attracted to her.

I don't think he is the person for you and it feels sad to me that he is starting out a relationship with you not as an equal because of a physical trait. Almost like he has to come up to your level and I'm sorry but that makes me uncomfortable.

Also the judgement about his mental health on here is really terrible and it's no wonder men have such a high suicide rate in this country when people think they can't talk about it and if they do then they are not worthy of love or we should be scared of them!

Why do you discuss his weight so much?

I think you need to understand what being obese really means.

Some people are prone to obesity and they can diet and exercise as much as they want but very often the weight can creep back up.
He already has lots of fat cells in his body so chances are he may never be a ‘healthy weight’ and his weight will probably fluctuate over the years.

Of course some people lose weight and keep it off but I think you need to be aware that most people don’t.

So what would happen if he lost the weight and you started a relationship and then he puts some back on?

Wow some really harsh and judgemental comments here. Meet him and see how it goes. Poor bloke.

The thread is about whether weight matters to people

I don't know if it does or not yet .

I can't imagine sex would be very comfortable as a 10 stone woman with an 18 stone man though .

I'm just discussing it which is what this place is for no?

His mental health is good now - that's not a issue.

Such mixed responses.

@Herecomesthesun70

He doesn't sound obese to me. A couple of stone extra on a tall man won't be that obvious he'll just look cuddly. He sounds lovely to me. Have a lovely time tomorrow and let us know how it goes

He is most definitely obese. Even at his target weight he will be well into the overweight category. That doesn't mean he won't be attractive but he will certainly look very large.

Well there you go then if you can't imagine sex with this 18 stone man then please walk away and let this funny, kind man meet someone who looks at him for who he is now and not who he might be if he was only thinner, slimmer, stronger, more athletic etc.

@WonderfulYou

Why do you discuss his weight so much?

I think you need to understand what being obese really means.

Some people are prone to obesity and they can diet and exercise as much as they want but very often the weight can creep back up.
He already has lots of fat cells in his body so chances are he may never be a ‘healthy weight’ and his weight will probably fluctuate over the years.

Of course some people lose weight and keep it off but I think you need to be aware that most people don’t.

So what would happen if he lost the weight and you started a relationship and then he puts some back on?

This. It is really important not to see him as some sort of 'work in progress'. Its more usual for obese people to stay that way than to get and remain slim.

I'd date him, but I like my men big! If Hagrid was a real man I would swoon!