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Original poster

At risk of sounding shallow

272 replies

stillvicarinatutu · 26/11/2021 16:05

Would you date a man who was lovely , funny, smart, clearly adored you but is obese .

I ask as I'm meeting someone for a walk and a coffee , it's online dating and this will be our first meeting although we facetime , talk on phone and text , he makes me laugh so much , he's kind, sweet, sharp as a tack , he clearly wants a relationship and is losing weight at a rate of knots - like 7lb over 3 weeks . He put the weight on as he became agoraphobic, but he has overcome this which I think shows amazing courage . He loves clothes and has a fab wardrobe waiting for him when he loses a few stone ....
(He's more into clothes than me ! I'm a high street girl !)
I've made it clear until we meet I've no idea if he's friend zoned or not ....

Would someone being about 5 stone overweight bother you from an attraction point of view ?

I'm not overweight at all. I'm no Kate moss but I've always kept my weight down even when it's been a struggle sometimes.

I am encouraging him with his weight loss because he wants to do it and had already started that journey before we met ....

If he was happy at the size he is I'd not think about it but I'd probably not find him physically attractive either ....

Thoughts please.

OP posts:
todaysdilemma · 27/11/2021 20:26

@stillvicarinatutu

I'd bought my ticket he bought his . £31 . Wasted apparently.
He could afford a £31 gig ticket for something in MARCH. But not the cinema for an actual first date with you? Does that make any sense to you.....
Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 27/11/2021 20:26

I can't do everything. The majority said I'm a fuckwit . Not in so many words but lots judgment.

I'm not taking those sort of chances anymore. This showed me it's rather stupid . I appeared to be stupid .

OP posts:
Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 27/11/2021 20:27

@NynaeveSedai

You've just blocked him?? This is all a bit too dramatic.
No . I told him I need to reassess my boundaries and I can't date anyone. And then I blocked him because I know he will try and get me to go out .
OP posts:
Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 27/11/2021 20:29

Can I win here ?

I'm told my boundaries are fucked and I'm an idiot .

So I follow that .

Then I get "so you blocked him ?"

I explained and have retreated. The majority on here thought I was being stupid and reckless.

OP posts:
category12 · 27/11/2021 20:36

I do think planning so far ahead to go to a gig with someone you haven't met in person yet was a bit ill-judged.

I hope you're OK.

WhoLivesInAHouseL1keThis · 27/11/2021 20:41

You booked to see something in March and you've never met him? There's some massive issues going on here

Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 27/11/2021 20:43

Ffs . We were talking every night. Fade time . Got on likes house in fire . Did tours of each other's flats . Shared stuff . We
We're meant to meet today except Arwen put paid to that .
Then this thread made me think I'm
Slightly stupid .

OP posts:
MinnieJackson · 27/11/2021 20:44

Oh god, this has spiralled in such a short space of time. I hope you're ok!

Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 27/11/2021 20:44

I know we would have been friends. And we'd have gone to stuff together. It didn't feel weird .

OP posts:
WhoLivesInAHouseL1keThis · 27/11/2021 20:45

So if you know you would have been friends why have you blocked him?

It's quite concerning that you run your life choices past randoms on an online forum

NynaeveSedai · 27/11/2021 20:46

You can be friends Confused just put the brakes on a bit!!

Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 27/11/2021 20:46

@MinnieJackson

Oh god, this has spiralled in such a short space of time. I hope you're ok!
No . I'm not really . I feel stupid . I feel like there's something wrong with me. Because I'm not very normal . I've made friends like this before . It was fine but it's apparently not normal .
OP posts:
Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 27/11/2021 20:48

@WhoLivesInAHouseL1keThis

So if you know you would have been friends why have you blocked him?

It's quite concerning that you run your life choices past randoms on an online forum

Oh please . I have no confidence anymore. I needed to run this past someone . For the last 18 months I've been so depressed I've not trusted myself so this was my barometer . This place is a lot crueler than I remember though . That'll teach me .
OP posts:
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 27/11/2021 20:50

Well this has been a whirlwind of a thread!

Hope you're ok op

Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 27/11/2021 20:51

I took a break from mn. I think this is why .
This has made me feel uncertain and sad and I'm sat in floods of tears because I do t know anything anymore. I need a break . Sorry . You need to stop engaging now with this because it's making me feel so bad it's not helping.

OP posts:
Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 27/11/2021 20:52
  • I need to stop engaging.

Thanks all. Bit I'm out now x cheers tho xx

OP posts:
Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 27/11/2021 20:54

One day this place is going to make someone do something stupid . . It's so judgemental and hostile and cruel . It wasn't like that when I joined .

OP posts:
NynaeveSedai · 27/11/2021 20:58

@stillvicarinatutu

One day this place is going to make someone do something stupid . . It's so judgemental and hostile and cruel . It wasn't like that when I joined .
Please log off mumsnet for a bit. The thread isn't cruel and hostile but has given you a reality check. You're very invested in what mumsnet says as well as in this man. Go and do something offline for a bit and calm down a bit. You'll feel better.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/11/2021 21:02

@stillvicarinatutu

One day this place is going to make someone do something stupid . . It's so judgemental and hostile and cruel . It wasn't like that when I joined .
Some of us have tried to be supportive and helpful OP. I don't think you're stupid at all. I think that your red flag barometer is off, that's all. I'm sorry if I contributed to you feeling shit at all, not my intention Thanks
nexus63 · 27/11/2021 21:04

some of the answers on here are not very nice, what if you had been married or with your partner for years and they put on weight, do you stop loving them or fancying them? my first boyfriend and then my husband were all tall and dark, after i was widowed i met a companion online, talked on the phone everyday for a month and then met up, he was nothing like my usual "type", but we hit it off and stayed together for 18 years until he died earlier this year, over the years i have put on 5 stone and i am classed as obese, he always said there was more of me to cuddle, there is more people in the uk that are overweight but that does not mean they are not attractive. meet up with this man and see what happens, people should not be judged on how they look.

todaysdilemma · 27/11/2021 21:05

Hi OP, I hope you're ok. As cruel as you may find MN, it will also save you from blindly trusting people who may take advantage of you, or do worse things.These threads can really help you be more cautious and protect yourself. The world is a lot more cruel than MN, strange men on dating websites are a lot more dangerous than MN - and I think you are just disappointed and upset that this man has not made the effort to come meet you today. Log off and re-engage with the offline world, you'll feel more centred.

MNHQ
ClaraMumsnet · 27/11/2021 21:11

Hi OP, as you've said this thread is not helping you, we're going to close it to further responses. Please do take care and feel free to start another thread if you would like to Flowers

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