At risk of sounding shallow

[stillvicarinatutu]

Would you date a man who was lovely , funny, smart, clearly adored you but is obese .

I ask as I'm meeting someone for a walk and a coffee , it's online dating and this will be our first meeting although we facetime , talk on phone and text , he makes me laugh so much , he's kind, sweet, sharp as a tack , he clearly wants a relationship and is losing weight at a rate of knots - like 7lb over 3 weeks . He put the weight on as he became agoraphobic, but he has overcome this which I think shows amazing courage . He loves clothes and has a fab wardrobe waiting for him when he loses a few stone ....
(He's more into clothes than me ! I'm a high street girl !)
I've made it clear until we meet I've no idea if he's friend zoned or not ....

Would someone being about 5 stone overweight bother you from an attraction point of view ?

I'm not overweight at all. I'm no Kate moss but I've always kept my weight down even when it's been a struggle sometimes.

I am encouraging him with his weight loss because he wants to do it and had already started that journey before we met ....

If he was happy at the size he is I'd not think about it but I'd probably not find him physically attractive either ....

Thoughts please.

I'm going to guess you're in a nice long term committed relationship.

As was I for 25 years. And now I'm single and have been for 2 years and 4 months - so hardly desperate- I would like to make a connection with someone again at some point.

Sanctimonious much?

I don't think pp was trying to suggest you're fickle or that you flit from man to man - just that you seem a bit too willing to overlook some red flags?

I'm alarmed about the printing off your picture thing, the guilt-trippy stuff about he wouldn't do that to you over the travelling, the stream of calls and romantic messages when he suspected you were getting cold feet, declaration he'd move or get a car etc. All seems a bit too much. And too much too soon is a red flag.

He just doesn't seem like a good prospect if he's got all these issues and can't even afford a cinema ticket.

I joined this site in 2007 . My posts were mostly about my son who has Aspergers.

My marriage broke down in 2014 .
I the. Name changed because I had a terrible time with my next relationship including a pregnancy which was terminated for disability.

I returned here with this user name very recently.
🤷🏻‍♀️

@category12

I don't think pp was trying to suggest you're fickle or that you flit from man to man - just that you seem a bit too willing to overlook some red flags?

I'm alarmed about the printing off your picture thing, the guilt-trippy stuff about he wouldn't do that to you over the travelling, the stream of calls and romantic messages when he suspected you were getting cold feet, declaration he'd move or get a car etc. All seems a bit too much. And too much too soon is a red flag.

He just doesn't seem like a good prospect if he's got all these issues and can't even afford a cinema ticket.

This is a really sound summary of how I think most people would read this situation OP.

That's fine . Thanks . I have blocked him .
I will stay single . Much safer . Thanks for the insights. Much Appreciated. I aren't able to read people .

You don't need to stay single or stop dating entirely OP, you just maybe need to have stronger boundaries and try to learn to recognise red flags and act accordingly to keep yourself safe and not waste time on people who are unlikely to be healthy partners to you.

Are you drunk? So now you've just blocked him.

I'd gently suggest some counselling

Did you cancel your date next week or talk to him before you blocked him!?!

Having met my husband at 15 married at 19 - seems I aren't able to do that .
I should have stayed with him he was very safe.
I didn't though . It does seem like I can't do this . It also makes me cry that I'm going to be alone for ever . I deleted all my dating profiles ages ago and I work in a very strangle environment so I won't meet anyone there . I am going to be alone. I can't even date ! I'm going to be one of those people who sorts everyone else's life out for them and never does it for themselves. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@OrlandointheWilderness

Did you cancel your date next week or talk to him before you blocked him!?!

Yes I messaged him. Explained I have no trust in boundaries because they're not reliable and said I'm not able to meet .

No I'm not drunk I stopped drinking about 8 months ago . Tee total .

I made a commitment a few years back to spend at least a year single and focus on myself. I spent the money I would have spent on dates on a fortnightly counselling session and after the year was up, I felt ready to date with strong boundaries, tuned in to potential red flags and feeling much more secure and positive. Is that something that might be an option? It sounds cheesy but I sort of dated myself for a while.

I've been single for 2 years and 4 months .
Had counselling. I am happy single . A bit sad but really love being at home alone . I spend most days off in bed with my dogs . I walk them and go back to bed . I love my bedroom.

I can't do dating . Obviously!

(I do see friends and shop etc . Just happy to be at home . I aren't goi g to the xmas do this year because I can't get there , I don't drive where I don't know and I do t take public transport alone ). I just thought this guy seemed nice and we liked the same stuff. But I've told him I aren't able to do this . I didn't want an argument so blocked . He would have tried to pursuade me . I've just lost a ticket to see Stewart Lee . We were going to see him in March .

I'm relieved you're passing on this man OP. I know how frustrating and difficult dating is, but please don't write yourself off by saying you can't do dating. I just think you shouldn't overlook red flags and there were loads of them with this guy. Keep looking and keep positive! just keep yourself safe it's a minefield out there. I think some people on this thread were concerned, quite rightly so! Draw a line under it, don't dwell on it and hopefully someone else will come along who will be much more dateable.

Not likely ! I'm off online dating .!

I wouldn't date a man who was very thin. I don't find skinny men attractive at all. So yanbu to not find fatties unattractive.

@MWNA

Why'd you keep saying "I aren't"?

It's called a regional variation. HTH.

@stillvicarinatutu

(I do see friends and shop etc . Just happy to be at home . I aren't goi g to the xmas do this year because I can't get there , I don't drive where I don't know and I do t take public transport alone ). I just thought this guy seemed nice and we liked the same stuff. But I've told him I aren't able to do this . I didn't want an argument so blocked . He would have tried to pursuade me . I've just lost a ticket to see Stewart Lee . We were going to see him in March .

Wait, you bought tickets for a show in March with a man you've never ever met in person?? Did he pay for his tickets at least??

There's so many online dating fraudsters who take advantage of lonely women. Do you know anything about him for certain? You don't even really know if he does like the same stuff, or is just very good at pretending to be a certain type of person online. Do you even know for sure he does have agoraphobia? Could he have lied about this to ensure he has an excuse why he can't meet in person, and he can carry on living this online life with you.

If you're at the point where you're so lonely that you're getting so excited and invested about an online persona - it is time to make a lifestyle change. Hobbies, getting comfortable travelling alone, go to to Stewart Lee gig alone! Or if you want to date, meet up with them asap - don't get texting them for so long.

give it a go.

I'll be the odd one out and say you should have met him. We've all got some type of red flags because we all look for different things in a partner and have different expectations. Personally I'd always wonder "what if" and life is too short so take the chance every now and again. You were meeting in a public place so it seemed safe enough, so what if he couldn't afford a cinema ticket, there's millions of people living pay check to pay check and it's more shallow to judge someone on their bank account than their weight.

I'd bought my ticket he bought his . £31 . Wasted apparently.

You've just blocked him??
This is all a bit too dramatic.

@stillvicarinatutu

I'd bought my ticket he bought his . £31 . Wasted apparently.

Oh wow. Yeah that was a silly thing to do. You could go on your own I guess.