At risk of sounding shallow

[stillvicarinatutu]

Would you date a man who was lovely , funny, smart, clearly adored you but is obese .

I ask as I'm meeting someone for a walk and a coffee , it's online dating and this will be our first meeting although we facetime , talk on phone and text , he makes me laugh so much , he's kind, sweet, sharp as a tack , he clearly wants a relationship and is losing weight at a rate of knots - like 7lb over 3 weeks . He put the weight on as he became agoraphobic, but he has overcome this which I think shows amazing courage . He loves clothes and has a fab wardrobe waiting for him when he loses a few stone ....
(He's more into clothes than me ! I'm a high street girl !)
I've made it clear until we meet I've no idea if he's friend zoned or not ....

Would someone being about 5 stone overweight bother you from an attraction point of view ?

I'm not overweight at all. I'm no Kate moss but I've always kept my weight down even when it's been a struggle sometimes.

I am encouraging him with his weight loss because he wants to do it and had already started that journey before we met ....

If he was happy at the size he is I'd not think about it but I'd probably not find him physically attractive either ....

Thoughts please.

Weight wouldn’t be the biggest issue, particularly if he’s losing. You cant make attraction happen if it isn’t there at all, but is that the most important thing? For me all the other things you have said are as important in the whole package. What you find attractive physically can just be a small part of the whole package that makes the man right for you.

If you aren’t completely turned off or completely unmoved by him, then I’d stay with him and treat as any other relationship in the early days, and see how you get on. I have met thin/normal sized men and been completely unnattracted to them, I’d not be into them either.

I don't know how other people can help you really. If we say obesity is attractive it won't make you fancy him, thd same as if we say its repulsive it wouldn't turn you off if you found him hot. All I'd say is, go on the man he is now not the one he may become.

Meet him and if you're attracted to him/feel there's chemistry as he is now, then continue to see him.

If you meet and think you could be attracted, if he lost x amount of weight, then don't continue to see him.

Weight isn't a dealbreaker for me. It depends how he carries it and himself in life.

But I think it's super important you decide whether you like him or not as he is now, not as he could be. Maybe he'll lose the weight and be an Adonis, maybe he'll try and fail, maybe he'll end up in a cycle of gain and loss - you've got to like him.

I don't find obesity attractive so no.

However, in this specific set of circumstances.... maybe. You seem to be really into him and he sounds committed to losing the weight.

There have been a few obese men that I've found sexy but for the most part I'm not attracted to overly obese men, but neither am I attracted to slim men either. I think we all have things that we are attracted to and it doesn't necessarily make a person shallow, i think its all relative.

I really agree with everything @category12 said.

You've described my husband. He was a few stone lighter when I met him but I quite like chubby men. It really depends how obese you mean though for me. My husband is 20 stone, he's very funny, kind, loving, a great friend and father. I'm not sure I would have been interested in him if he had been this size when we first met and I would be the only loser in that situation!
I've always found that men that are a bit bigger often have more of a personality/better sense of humour because they haven't always had the luxury of being 'fit' to make friends/girlfriends.

@stillvicarinatutu

Would you date a man who was lovely , funny, smart, clearly adored you but is obese .

I ask as I'm meeting someone for a walk and a coffee , it's online dating and this will be our first meeting although we facetime , talk on phone and text , he makes me laugh so much , he's kind, sweet, sharp as a tack , he clearly wants a relationship and is losing weight at a rate of knots - like 7lb over 3 weeks . He put the weight on as he became agoraphobic, but he has overcome this which I think shows amazing courage . He loves clothes and has a fab wardrobe waiting for him when he loses a few stone ....
(He's more into clothes than me ! I'm a high street girl !)
I've made it clear until we meet I've no idea if he's friend zoned or not ....

Would someone being about 5 stone overweight bother you from an attraction point of view ?

I'm not overweight at all. I'm no Kate moss but I've always kept my weight down even when it's been a struggle sometimes.

I am encouraging him with his weight loss because he wants to do it and had already started that journey before we met ....

If he was happy at the size he is I'd not think about it but I'd probably not find him physically attractive either ....

Thoughts please.

I think it would only be an issue if it affected his quality of life, limited what he could do and was a big issue for him. It's hard to keep hearing someone complain about the impact of being overweight if you're into them and can't do anything to help but it sounds like he's making great progress to being more in line with the weight he wants to be which is brilliant. Good luck with whatever you decide

I am really into him , I've never met anyone who makes me laugh so much. He's so funny and kind , and he's a bit naughty in a lovely way that makes me smile, he thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread and treats me with absolute respect . And he fancies me . He makes me feel special . The weather may scupper out meeting however as it's due to snow ! Bugger .

Kind and funny? Clever and really likes you? It sounds like it is going to be a win-win with this guy, either a really great new friend or exciting new relationship!
For me, if I liked him, his physical attributes wouldn't put me off.
Enjoy!

He's 6ft and 18 stone . His ideal weight is around 14 stone he tells me . So he has around 4 to go . He seems quite isolated, works from home and the agoraphobia meant he lost friends and confidence. But he's so determined to get back out and enjoy life , hence the dating profile . He messaged me and it was the o e message in 2 years I felt compelled to reply to because it was funny and endearing and original.

I never thought I'd be with a man the same height as me..always went for tall men and wrote anyone under 5'10" off immediately. My now DP is 5'7", who would've thought it!

Meet him and then decide, don't Pre judge..good luck

Just to add..if a man can make you laugh, well, say no more

[quote JustThisLastLittleBit]@NynaeveSedai my point is that OP hasn’t met him to test the physical spark, she’s just looking at stats. That’s shallow. Obviously the spark is the key thing![/quote]
Not really
I wouldn't have a spark with a very overweight man. I've tried it before, did fancy one when we were kissing but sex did not do it for me. Ive slept with a couple of other overweight men and it's just not there. No point wasting his and my time tbh.
It would be the same for other physical characteristics I don't find attractive. It's not shallow to know what characteristics you will not be sexually attracted to.

@stillvicarinatutu

He's 6ft and 18 stone . His ideal weight is around 14 stone he tells me . So he has around 4 to go . He seems quite isolated, works from home and the agoraphobia meant he lost friends and confidence. But he's so determined to get back out and enjoy life , hence the dating profile . He messaged me and it was the o e message in 2 years I felt compelled to reply to because it was funny and endearing and original.

That's not particularly very very obese. That'll be around a 42 inch waist, for a man, that's not exactly huge huge, just pudgy, maybe a bit of a tummy.

He sounds lovely. Meet him, get to know him and follow your feelings.

I am attracted to a person's personality. If I like them,I find them good looking. 4 stones overweight on a 6ft man isn't that much and easily lost if he wants to. But weight does bother some men and women more than others. Personally I prefer overweight to skinny but neither has affected my attraction to men. My current boyfriend towers above me but my last one is the same height as me.

He's definitely got a double chin ....
But nice eyes
He sent me pics from when he was a lot slimmer and I thought mmmmm!

I think I'm just gonna meet and see . I already know I like him .

My ex was 6ft and 17 stone, and I found his build a total turn on.
He was like a great big bull. (Well, not in every respect as it turned out)

He printed my picture out and stuck it to his fridge and bike with a caption I will not repeat 😂.

He's really trying to get himself fit and out there ....

He drives but doesn't have a car which means I'll be doing the travelling- if this becomes a thing . But he's only half an hour from me and I'm willing to give it a go whether that be as friends or as something else as the mood takes us I guess ....we'll see .

Would you date a man who was lovely , funny, smart, clearly adored you but is obese.

Nope.

Good luck.
You have to come back and report, though.

I will .
We were meant to meet tomorrow but the weather looks grim and my car doesn't like snow ....plus we were off to a country park 🙈

It's irrelevant what other people would do, the issue is whether you find him physically attractive when you actually meet. If you do then great, if you don't then obviously you end things. It's not being judgemental, we can't help who we are and are not attracted to.

It's a bit different, I think, to someone you've been with and loved for a long time, who becomes obese - in that case you already love them so it's more complicated.

I'm going to be a dark cloud here but how you can you know all these things about him if you've never actually met in real life? People can create personas of themselves online, it may not translate into real life? Honestly, so sorry if that sounds negative but I used to meet guys online where I thought they were funny, great etc but they weren't always like that in real life!

I would meet him but get to know him in real life terms.

Yes I would, im the kind of person who has to find the person attractive before the physical appearance. So yes, especially as he's doing something about it, my concern would be for his health and how that might affect things like children etc.