What do you consider a good/eligible man?

[Anonnyno]

Often see this expressed on dating threads: "all the good men are taken" or "the good ones get snapped up fast".

So just curious what posters consider "good" in this context. Obviously being kind, thoughtful, respectful, not a creep, etc, count - but aren't these something to be expected in any decent partner, rather than attractive qualities in and of themselves?

What makes someone "eligible" as opposed to just "alright" in your book?

Someone with a skill, a good relationship with their family, well read, able to look after themselves.

Attractive, successful career (with clear opportunities for advancement), postgrad education, well read, high emotional intelligence, supportive, loyal, feminist (not just well versed in feminist theory, actually does his share of domestic labour) and good with people.

Stable, not flighty or dramatic or unpredictable.

Has his own interests and an open outlook on the world.

Empathetic.

Here's what I say to my daughters. Anyone you date needs to be Interesting Motivated and Kind. If they aren't one of those things, you're going to be too good to spend time with them.

My list of attributes is pretty long. But one attribute that has been surprisingly useful in my marriage is that DH is very 'handy'. He can fix or build anything. And because he enjoys DIY, he does it straight away.

A good man will be a true partner. He will have a stable job or career, be responsible with money, and want to plan for his own future and eventually ours. He views domestic life as a shared responsibility between equals. He will treat other people well and avoid having people in his life who do not. He may have difficult family so he shouldn’t be faulted for that as long as he has found a way to set healthy boundaries.

There are other qualities that are up to the individual in terms of shared values. I personally have criteria on intelligence, attitude towards education, and religion.

If you're looking for an emotionally healthy, good-at-relationships guy then one simple question can elicit pretty much all you need to know: are your parents together, and are they happy?

Obviously it's not his fault who his parents are but as a rule of thumb the men with happy, still-together parents is going to be a better long term bet.

Respectful
Responsible
No addictions
Good manners
Takes care of his own practical and emotional business
Socially compatible
Shared interests
Has own friends and interests
Happy for you to have own friends and interests

@Avarua

If you're looking for an emotionally healthy, good-at-relationships guy then one simple question can elicit pretty much all you need to know: are your parents together, and are they happy?

Obviously it's not his fault who his parents are but as a rule of thumb the men with happy, still-together parents is going to be a better long term bet.

Disagree hard on a number of fronts: Children of divorce/ dysfunctional relationships are often excellent at relationships and very emotionally intelligent. You'd be ruling out men raised by single mothers who've raised them to be good ones. Some of the biggest narcissists and sociopaths I know have parents that they tell me are "Still very much in love" and "happily married" and "never argue" and when you find out more, what wedded bliss means is that dad controls the mum and the reason they never argue is that mum does whatever dad wants and never disagrees, and that's where this guy learned about marriage. Sure, OBSERVE the guy's parents yourself but don't take his word for what his parents' marriage is like.

It's a real mistake to use any single variable to screen a potential partner on.
Convergent evidence is your friend.

Mutual friendship respect and closeness. And mutual goals.

The main thing for me was that he is trustworthy. If he says he is going to do something, he does it. If he says he is going somewhere with someone, he goes there and goes with that person, not some other person. If he says he loves me, I can trust that he does, and that he always will do.

Kind
Considerate
Solvent & responsible with money
Emotionally available
Cheerful

I haven't found one yet, but my df was a git, emotionally and financially abusive to dm, controlling and occasionally physically abusive too.

So I'm fairly sure it's my inability to choose a nice man, rather than that there aren't any out there.

Kind, intelligent, resourceful. Not lazy, less bothered about solvent as I earn well.

My father is the nicest man I know (although DH isn't bad).

@Grimsknee

Respectful Responsible No addictions Good manners Takes care of his own practical and emotional business Socially compatible Shared interests Has own friends and interests Happy for you to have own friends and interests

I would agree with this wholeheartedly.

I'm in my mid 40s and I've dated many different kinds of men over the years and these are the attributes I value most highly.

I've dated men who would be considered 'eligible' and respectable - good careers, educated, well read, well travelled, good incomes etc and men who were anything but.

I'm now with a man who is all of the above. I met him through a hobby so we know each other well. He's overweight, has a mohican and works in a factory. He's a bit rough around the edges and has rejected a lot of social 'norms' and expectations. But he has all the above qualities down to a tee.

He's also honest, trustworthy, reliable, kind and considerate. He takes note of what is important to me. He has a positive attitude to life generally and is emotionally available. He's intelligent although not educated and he makes me laugh. He's humble. He doesn't have restictive or oppressive expectations of me because I'm a woman (which is hard to find in men in their 50s!) He likes that I'm independent.

He's a far better partner than anyone else I've ever dated. These things are more important than material aspects of 'eligibility'.

Grimsknee

Totally agree. The most emotionally dysfunctional man I've ever dated had parents who were together until they died within weeks of each other in their 80s. From what I came to understand, their relationship was very much as you describe. He had no concept of women having their own lives, or inner worlds. Women were only relevant in so much as they are useful/desirable to men.

Yet he grew up in a 'happy family', was educated, had a good career, treated other people well, big house, nice car, stylish, etc etc.

I've often found that how well a man treats a woman is inversely proportionate to how 'materially/professionally successful' they are.

Often see this expressed on dating threads: "all the good men are taken" or "the good ones get snapped up fast".

I think people are quick to assume they must be good for them to be in a relationship without actually knowing 100% if they are. When in reality it will be a mix of good and bad relationships.
Or it written by wives warning single women that their man is off the market and doesn't think she'll find one like hers 😂

People are not perfect and sometimes it doesn't workout in a relationship but are more compatible with someone else, a break up doesn't make someone a bad person.

There are of course single men that are not good as are some single women, having dated in the past it becomes easier to spot the less desirable ones.

What I'd be looking for that makes a good partner for me is a man that is emotionally available and ready for a relationship.
Is at least equal to me in my way of life, respectful towards women and has plenty of ambition.

It usually describes someone in the top 10-20%. These men will be either snapped up or playing the field.

This is how I feel about my DP of many years (yours sounds great!) Not the typical “eligible bachelor” at all, but anyone would be so lucky to have him, IMO.

I think it depends what your lifestyle is like too. I like being indoors with my family and cats, working from my iPad or reading, writing, watching, listening to things.. I wouldn’t “match” with a high-flying career guy with a full social life and all the signs of material success, for example.

Meant to quote @AlwaysLookingBehind

@Avarua

My list of attributes is pretty long. But one attribute that has been surprisingly useful in my marriage is that DH is very 'handy'. He can fix or build anything. And because he enjoys DIY, he does it straight away.

Are you my ex wife?

A similar age to you. He is single. He has a pleasant family or no family. A stable circle of pleasant friends. Financially competent/solvent. No addictions. Personally competent in his life skills. He's willing to be pleasant to you, your family and friends.

'If you're looking for an emotionally healthy, good-at-relationships guy then one simple question can elicit pretty much all you need to know: are your parents together, and are they happy?''

What? I had toxic, abusive parents and I turned into a pretty loving and kind type of person as an adult.

You don't choose your parents...

In fact people who had dysfunctional upbringing often make the choice not to repeat what they went through because they know the pain caused by toxic behaviour and instead turn into good, healthy parents and partner who want to break that circle of abuse.

One with a job that earns anything is a novelty!

Intelligent, educated, makes me think, kind, thoughtful, good parent, responsible, good with money, practical, looks after his health, thinks about his spiritual side, respectful, makes me laugh, don't have to explain how things like the gender pay gap happen, good looking... but apparently a key one is needs to be in the same country, and we're not.