What do you consider a good/eligible man?

[Anonnyno]

Often see this expressed on dating threads: "all the good men are taken" or "the good ones get snapped up fast".

So just curious what posters consider "good" in this context. Obviously being kind, thoughtful, respectful, not a creep, etc, count - but aren't these something to be expected in any decent partner, rather than attractive qualities in and of themselves?

What makes someone "eligible" as opposed to just "alright" in your book?

You say being kind, thoughtful etc. are attributes anyone would expect in a partner, but I've found them extremely rare in men. And when I have found them in men, they've come with serious strings attached, like being incredibly needy, which is really just another form of control, or expecting me to be endlessly grateful for this baseline decent behaviour.

I've been called too picky in my time but honestly, my main idea of a good man is being genuinely kind, without expecting something back in return. Having a decent job/enough money to do things is also a massive plus. Not to pay for me, but to join me in doing things I enjoy, like travel. I spent a long time dating someone too broke to ever go on holiday and that made me miserable in the end.

Someone who has similar goals, ambition, financial good sense (doesn’t need to be wealthy but needs to be able to manage their money), someone who makes their intentions clear, who has friends,hobbies,who can hold a conversation.

Responsible with money
Can cook and clean
Has many interest
Has friends and is sociable
Respects women and treats them as equals, whilst also having good manners and opening doors and carrying heavy bags.
Honest
Would be good Daddy material.
Someone who makes you feel special.

It depends on your age and what you want from life - e.g. if you want a family and are in your 20s someone steady, loving, responsible, thoughtful etc.

I'm in my 40s and divorced and my kids are teenagers now so my (perfect) partner is an adventurous, independent, fun sort of man.

There are non negotiables for me - manners e.g. not rude to other people and no name calling/anger issues, intelligence and a sense of humour- and faithfulness/monogamy/trustworthiness is important too. I agree that looks aren't particularly relevant when you have the full personality "package!"

@Saysama

Attractive, successful career (with clear opportunities for advancement), postgrad education, well read, high emotional intelligence, supportive, loyal, feminist (not just well versed in feminist theory, actually does his share of domestic labour) and good with people.

Quite a list and some high expectations there!! :)

Someone who is generally positive and happy
Someone who is kind and considerate
Someone with ambition
Someone who is interested in the world around them

Kind, positive attitude, not mean with money, respectful, good manners, has own interests (& I don't care if it is cycling - I don't want to be responsible for someone's social life) doesn't swear, enjoys volunteering and generally 'helping the community'.

My DH (married 30+ years) is all of that ... being good at DIY would be a bonus .

Having dabbled in OLD over the last 18 months, as a mid 40s fairly ‘sorted’ woman, it’s a good question.
For me, it’s being stable, settled, reliable, having compassion and empathy, showing commitments to work, friends, family and hobbies/interests. I’ve met surface level lovely men, but so many that seem hopelessly incompetent at life. Or with some sort of Peter Pan complex. Even in their 50s. Those men are not compatible with me. I want an equal, balanced, adult partnership. It’s been really eye opening, in a slightly disturbing way 😳🤦‍♀️

Family oriented
Good moral compass
Good work ethic
Emotional intelligence
Not a racist misogynistic close minded man.

@Avarua

If you're looking for an emotionally healthy, good-at-relationships guy then one simple question can elicit pretty much all you need to know: are your parents together, and are they happy?

Obviously it's not his fault who his parents are but as a rule of thumb the men with happy, still-together parents is going to be a better long term bet.

What?

Attractive with a bit of sparkle. Grounded, kind, strong and attentive. Good solid friendship group. Comfortable with themselves. Intelligent but does not have to be educated. Likes and respects women, no misogyny. Capable of empathy. Decent parent who hasn't hurt kids to get back at the mother. Interests and hobbies.

I thought when I was 20 that I had met the perfect man. We were never real boyfriend and girlfriend and that was something I didn’t understand why not. I had strong feelings for him but he blew hot and cold all the time. He seemed to like me in the same way or so I thought. He would turn up at the same place as me and sometimes want to be with me and sometimes not. I remember being very hurt and confused. After a final rejection I promised myself I would cut him out of my life for my own good. I slept with him, he coerced me really and said that well we've known each other for 7 months. He promised to call and never did.

I searched through my diaries because I remembered that I saw him occasionally when I was out in my early 20’s. Although I was still too proud to talk to him. A friend told me that she had seen him in town and he asked her about me. I remembered speaking to him again some years later and looked if I had written about it. I was shopping in the city centre and I happened to notice him in a shop and I was mortified because of sleeping with him and being rejected. He approached me and started a conversation and asked me out. He said he was on the shelf. Being burned once too often by him in the past I declined. Which was hard to do. I wondered if that was the right choice and if he would have done the same thing to me but we will never know now.

He had lots of other girlfriends, and got married in his early 30s and is very materially successful now, having inherited his father's business and lives in a large country pile. I never understood why the other women were good enough but I wasn't. He is a terrible flirt with women to this day in person and on social media. He's been married for years but I know that he sends randy messages to other women. So not a catch then or now perhaps? Now I know that I didn't really know him or whether he was a worthwhile person at all.

Nice enough to look at
Intelligent
Decent career
Solvent
Not socially awkward
Responsible
No addictions
Independent
Funny

Straight after this I got married to the first guy that asked me. I wanted to take myself out of the market, sick of looking for a partner. I married him within 6 months. Met mid March, engaged early April. Married October half term - he was a teacher. I didn't get to know him at all and then I had the worst 11 years ever being married to him.

So I would say for Christs sake take your time to know someone before chucking it in with them. Don't think things will improve because they won't. Be brave enough to walk away if they don't cut the mustard. It's not you it's them.

Someone who's comfortable in themselves. Enjoys what they do for a living. Good set of friends. Has hobbies & interests. Active role in their children's
lives.

Good point about someone who has friends. ... if people are comfortable in themselves, have a wide friendship group ... then I take that as a good sign (both for a romantic partner and as a friend). I always wonder about people who have no friends ... it doesn't mean that people need to be 'with' their friends all the time but both DH and I have maintained (separate) wide friendship groups from most parts of our lives ... school, hobbies, different jobs etc. We are over 60 now.
And you don't even need to particularly "like" your DPs friends, both DH and I have separate friends - we don't all go out in a gang ... have seen that backfire terribly when couples split up and all their friends are 'joint'. .

Above all other qualities, kind

Also:

Genuinely single
Uncomplicated baggage (if any baggage)
Solvent (or at least finances under control)
Responsible nature, remembers stuff and able to plan
Communicative
No addictions
No (or very minor, youthful) criminal record
Sound moral compass
Truthful
Employed or employable (or running a business that's doing well enough)
Normal family and friends
Own teeth and doesn't smell peculiar
Common sense and sense of humour

@Ragwort

Good point about someone who has friends. ... if people are comfortable in themselves, have a wide friendship group ... then I take that as a good sign (both for a romantic partner and as a friend). I always wonder about people who have no friends ... it doesn't mean that people need to be 'with' their friends all the time but both DH and I have maintained (separate) wide friendship groups from most parts of our lives ... school, hobbies, different jobs etc. We are over 60 now. And you don't even need to particularly "like" your DPs friends, both DH and I have separate friends - we don't all go out in a gang ... have seen that backfire terribly when couples split up and all their friends are 'joint'. .

This is a bit unfair to people who have moved around a lot. I moved 4 or 5 times as a child, all over the UK, then went to university abroad (as parents were living abroad at the time) and worked abroad in different countries. I never had the opportunity to have a 'friendship group' like other people have because I simply have never been in one place long enough to maintain those strong bonds. I do keep in touch with people and visit them abroad but it's not the same. I've had nasty comments from partners about not having a friend group - some people just don't have the opportunity to build one through moving a lot. Doesn't make them weirdos!

@Avarua

If you're looking for an emotionally healthy, good-at-relationships guy then one simple question can elicit pretty much all you need to know: are your parents together, and are they happy?

Obviously it's not his fault who his parents are but as a rule of thumb the men with happy, still-together parents is going to be a better long term bet.

What nonsense ! It is exactly those situations that show young people how not to behave badly to a partner .

He is a terrible flirt with women to this day in person and on social media. He's been married for years but I know that he sends randy messages to other women. So not a catch then or now perhaps?

No sure why this is a question.

dabby I've moved around a lot too .. also lived abroad, moved every ten years since I got married ... moved to a brand new part of the country when I was pregnant with my first DC - knew absolutely no one so just had to make the effort to make friends. Moved again to the other side of the country when DS was 10 - again, knew no one at all.

I appreciate it's not always easy and I am blessed with confidence and self esteem but I frequently meet people who say " they can't make friends" yet absolutely won't make any effort at all. Someone I met when I moved to my current town was also a newcomer .. it was interesting to see the difference in the way we approached "making new friends". Sadly she didn't seem to make any friends, everything I suggested (just the usual - coffee out, volunteering, exercise class, trip to the cinema .. nothing out of the ordinary) was met with a negative attitude. Ten years on and I have a wide circle of friends and activities I am involved with.

never understood why the other women were good enough but I wasn't.

This is such typical thinking for women unfortunately. And such a fallacy.

He slept with you but didn't pursue a relationship most likely because he was playing the field in his 20s.

He did offer/try to get involved with you later, perhaps when he was more open to something steady and you declined; so how were you not good enough or lesser than other women.

Given wgat you know of him since it was a wise decision.

Also the coercion when when slept with him says further disturbing things about his character.

Wimen always think mens behaviour is personal to them when it's clearly their own character.

Would you like to be his wife with him attempting to cheat on you all the time. Suppose depends of its worth the country pile to someone.

Kind and considerate.
I remember my grandmother telling me at 18 to marry a kind man. She said looks fade. A kind man will always be kind.
She was right

Good looking
Funny/loves to have a laugh
Well off
Very kind, considerate
Clever (well educated, well read)
Tall
Good size

My uncle once told me "don't make anyone your partner in life if you wouldnt have them as a business partner". At the time I thought he was ridiculously unromantic but now I understand what he was saying and I think he's right. A lot of the desirable qualities are the same and a lot of what makes a successful marriage/ long term relationship are being able to share both the hard yards and the good times.