What do you consider a good/eligible man?

[Anonnyno]

Often see this expressed on dating threads: "all the good men are taken" or "the good ones get snapped up fast".

So just curious what posters consider "good" in this context. Obviously being kind, thoughtful, respectful, not a creep, etc, count - but aren't these something to be expected in any decent partner, rather than attractive qualities in and of themselves?

What makes someone "eligible" as opposed to just "alright" in your book?

@Insert1x20p

My uncle once told me "don't make anyone your partner in life if you wouldnt have them as a business partner". At the time I thought he was ridiculously unromantic but now I understand what he was saying and I think he's right. A lot of the desirable qualities are the same and a lot of what makes a successful marriage/ long term relationship are being able to share both the hard yards and the good times.

Similar was said to me- never forget that marriage is officially a financial and (sometimes) a parenting enterprise - these are things you legally share with a life-partner. You should marry someone you love, of course. But definitely sift out those you wouldn’t take on the burden of a contract with!

When I met 'd'h at speed dating 16 years ago, I thought we had things in common enough to make it work (interest in football and music, which now don't feature in my life at all), but I soon realised I had settled too quickly. I didn't have a wish list then, but I definitely do now!

Considerate
Kind
Practical (diy and general equal running of house)
A good dad
Able to cook
Decent job (nothing flash, just enough to contribute equally)
Own car (might seem a bit shallow, but having a man rely on you for lifts is a pain)
Makes me feel like a real woman

Sad to realise dh is none of the above, but the man I could have been with is all of this and more......

:(

@Insert1x20p I think that’s fantastic advice!

@ReadyforTakeOff I found him and will be marrying him shortly!

I literally wrote a list, did OLD and sifted rather ruthlessly until I met my lovely man.

@Avarua

If you're looking for an emotionally healthy, good-at-relationships guy then one simple question can elicit pretty much all you need to know: are your parents together, and are they happy?

Obviously it's not his fault who his parents are but as a rule of thumb the men with happy, still-together parents is going to be a better long term bet.

@Avarua - depends entirely on context. Last man I was in touch with his parents were happy and still together but very much traditional background. Two other men I dated last year similar.

Doesn’t mean necessarily the man in question will be a good long term bet as the first man certainly wasn’t, I mean he wanted a relationship but very much on his terms.

Someone who can contribute equally to the relationship. Not necessarily in financial terms. You must feel you are getting as much out as you are putting in otherwise resentment builds.

My husband. A genuinely kind heart, respectful, generous, an excellent cook, a strong Christian faith, athletic, a non-drinker, a lovely family, a good job, great with kids, enjoys travel, a calming influence to my potential for chaos, an excellent father, completely committed from day 1 with never any trust issues. Gives money to beggars and holds doors open for the elderly and basically everything you see good guys doing on TV but not enough doing in real life 🥺🥺🥺

Kind and considerate. If that is missing, all the rest is meaningless.

One reason I thought my exh was a good catch was his parents being together and supposedly happy. I was wrong and his family dynamic was soulless. Took me years to work out.

Someone you can be yourself with. Someone you can be honest to and receive honesty in return. Reliable, hard working. Someone you can laugh with and cry with. Someone you would trust your life with.

Makes me feel like a real woman

That’s an interesting inclusion @19Bears. Is this more in the “manly behaviour” way or physically (had so many friends who say taller men make them feel more “feminine”)?

For a life partner someone I can look up to. This means someone that has achieved the same or more than I have.

-nil convictions
-advanced degree
-career seniority
-financially comfortable
-adequate social skills
-cultured and intelligent
-above 6’, normal bmi, not bald

For a fling partner one requirement

-hot as hell

Honest - completely - no white lies or BS
Trustworthy
resourceful
animal lover
faithful, physically and mentally
self-disciplined
Physically strong and fit
Can grow things and make things.
intelligent (don't care about formal education)
Good morals and bravery - feeling fear but coping anyway - physically and mentally - are the most important.
Able to handle whatever the world throws at him with integrity.
I don't care about whether he is a feminist at all, I don't care about ''shared interests''. You grow together.

I don't care if he has a BMW - can he make me a table and grow a veg garden?

No addictions of any sort.

No previous marriages or children to anyone else
No corporate drones or materialistic dick heads.

I found him but it took 37 years

@Saysama

Attractive, successful career (with clear opportunities for advancement), postgrad education, well read, high emotional intelligence, supportive, loyal, feminist (not just well versed in feminist theory, actually does his share of domestic labour) and good with people.

That is a tal order!

Blimey, how many single guys are like that

These replies are quite interesting.
It is a little look in to what childhoods people must have had as it's all linked psychologically what you want/need in a partner

@Lifewith I found exactly one and he’s no longer single.

Wow, good for you. Grab him!

@Lifewith

These replies are quite interesting. It is a little look in to what childhoods people must have had as it's all linked psychologically what you want/need in a partner

In my case it's a little look into what marriage I had, what pissed me off most about my exh, and what I have appreciated the most in other partners.

Someone with a moral compass and a clear set of values, including being compassionate. Up for a laugh but not overly dependent on alcohol to enjoy himself. Responsible with money, whatever his income. Good listener (that one might be the trickiest).

@ravenmum
Oh I agree. Same reason why you chose the guy you married

@Avarua

Here's what I say to my daughters. Anyone you date needs to be Interesting Motivated and Kind. If they aren't one of those things, you're going to be too good to spend time with them.

I like this Avura, I think it covers it succinctly.

@Avarua

If you're looking for an emotionally healthy, good-at-relationships guy then one simple question can elicit pretty much all you need to know: are your parents together, and are they happy?

Obviously it's not his fault who his parents are but as a rule of thumb the men with happy, still-together parents is going to be a better long term bet.

Biggest pile of bullshit I've ever read on here.

@Anonnyno I guess what I mean is someone who fancies me and wants me and will make me feel like the sexiest woman in the world. DH barely looks at me, and I think almost sees me as a mum. Not just to the kids, to him too! I really feel like I've missed out on just being a woman, a sexual person, in a relationship. So in my next one that is going to be very very important.

@Avarua
People can be married for years and be in an abusive marriage. So that is absolute bollocks and something a man can't control

I'd go with @Saysama on her list. I would add for me that they also have to be a bit (not too much) into kink, and mildly poly.

There aren’t many humans (men and women) who are thoughtful , considerate and emotionally intelligent.
So that, being a good earner and a reasonable conversationalist. And trustworthy.