What do you consider a good/eligible man?

[Anonnyno]

Often see this expressed on dating threads: "all the good men are taken" or "the good ones get snapped up fast".

So just curious what posters consider "good" in this context. Obviously being kind, thoughtful, respectful, not a creep, etc, count - but aren't these something to be expected in any decent partner, rather than attractive qualities in and of themselves?

What makes someone "eligible" as opposed to just "alright" in your book?

The report that says women want educated men and that men who are educated have the largest dating pool, it was written by educated men, wasn't it?
In my experience there are many many characteristics women would rate as more desirable in a man than a high level of education.

I don’t have my hands on it at the moment, but there are studies that show that professional men do tend to marry professional women. They are the group where career, then marriage, then children still remains the formula and divorce rates are lower than for others demographics.

When you look at studies and polls about dating and education, education isn’t always defined the same way. Some group everyone with a university degree. Others separate out by type of degree or career path.

Kind, honest, faithful, confident and driven. They don't have to be university educated but I would want someone who has a certain level of emotional and intellectual intelligence and is ambitious. I would always want someone who shares the same values as me ie. family is everything. I also am more attracted to men who are physically strong. Luckily my DH is all of these things.
And I absolutely 100% could not date anyone who would vote for Boris Johnson.

I know a female lawyer who is married to a fireman. And a female psychologist who is married to another fireman. The firemen may have degrees, but I doubt it.

I'm not a fireman myself so this is entirely random.

Provocative comment follows. While I accept that all couples need to relate to each other it's good to beware of unconscious snob factor. There's a big difference between the UK where I grew up and NZ where I live now: in the UK there is a much, much stronger sense that doing well and being intelligent and well-educated means having a degree, preferably from a high ranking university. Having those things implies status. Whereas here, having a degree just means you spent four years at university (and probably have a big student loan).

I suspect there is still something of a confusion in the UK between intelligence on the one hand and having a bit of parchment showing you've read lots of classics (ie, status) on the other.

(fwiw I'm an arts grad from an old UK university)

I think that there are 4 things that make men desirable.

In no particular order:

1. good education
2. good career
3. good looks
4. good personality (kind, funny, charismatic etc)

The catch is that it's extremely rare to find all of these things. Men that have them tend to know that they're a catch and play the field, hence losing number 4. Most women therefore have to decide what they are willing to compromise on.

I prefer an average looking man who ticks all the other boxes, but I know many women who would rather compromise 1 and 2

And I absolutely 100% could not date anyone who would vote for Boris Johnson.
@EllaPaella if I'd known my DH was going to turn into a Ukip / Brexit / Tory fanboy, I would have run a mile. He's sitting at the other end of the sofa. How did I get here

Oh god @19Bears you have my upmost sympathy!

@19Bears

And I absolutely 100% could not date anyone who would vote for Boris Johnson. *@EllaPaella* if I'd known my DH was going to turn into a Ukip / Brexit / Tory fanboy, I would have run a mile. He's sitting at the other end of the sofa. How did I get here

Most obvious case of LTB that I've ever seen!!

I know, @ThousandsOfTulips I know. Why can't I do it???!!!

@19Bears I remember your posts. Why do you think you haven’t left?

He always seems to make it feel as if everything's fine and that me wanting him to leave would be the most unreasonable thing ever. One of our conservatory roof panels blew off in the night, and DH told me about it this morning, having found this a few hours previous and leaving the roof completely open. I fixed it straight away as best I could with some plastic sheets and a lot of nails hammered into the roof joists, balancing on a set of step ladders, the wind and snow lashing in my face, and he opened the kitchen door to see how I was doing - "having fun?!" he said, and went back to his work. Yes he was working this morning, but surely this was a bit more urgent!!!! I seriously think he was prepared to leave the roof open until someone could come and fix it, however long that would take. Pathetic. But still I feel like it's never bad enough for me to lose my rag and say enough is enough....

19bears that is really shocking- my DH and I don't always agree on political issues but we can discuss them rationally and listen and then ignore each other's point of view. But not in a million years would he leave me to fix a roof on my own or anything like that. .

@5128gap

The report that says women want educated men and that men who are educated have the largest dating pool, it was written by educated men, wasn't it? In my experience there are many many characteristics women would rate as more desirable in a man than a high level of education.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/nov/10/dating-gap-hook-up-culture-female-graduates

Written by woman, I think the sources are authored by both genders, but this aimed more towards grads to be fair.

This is an interesting thread. I was divorced ten years ago, from a man who was such a closed book, a complete non-communicator.

I had a significant relationship since with a man who to all outwards appearances was a real steal - high earning, intelligent, communicative and sociable. Turned out to be an utter nightmare. Narcissistic, controlling and insecure.

Had some therapy, realised the qualities that I think make a man attractive are the very ones that make many men complete arseholes.

Am now madly in love with a man who is kind, caring, thoughtful, communicative, responsible, intelligent and curious, strong, sensitive and funny.

He’s not highly educated as he’s severely dyslexic, and isn’t massively sociable as he’s more introverted like me, however we have similar goals and aspirations. That’s crucial.

I online dated for a few years on and off and met some absolute muppets. On paper were a real catch - in person, not so much.

Somebody who is kind to others, (e.g when you are on your first date he is respectful and courteous to the staff who serve you and others around.)

Someone who is honest and loyal,this is vital in any decent human being.

Driven, not materialistic, but driven in whatever their goals are.

Funny and doesn't take themselves too seriously.

A good man to me would be:
Interesting
Kind and respectful
Intelligent
A good work ethic
Not go into the relationship with a large disparity in earnings of assets to me
Believes in equitably sharing domestic load
Doesn't believe that women should do a double shift by working and then doing the lion's share at home
Have his own hobbies and interests
Accepts I also have my hobbies and interests
Doesn't expect either of us to be chained to the house
No addictions or money issues

I'd also probably add in dosn't have children from a previous relationship, unless it was clear that he had a positive and amicable co-parenting relationship with his ex AND him and I were on the same page regarding parenting

Education doesn’t always mean someone who’s well read or a good conversationalist. A lot of DP’s family dont have degrees but are curious about the world around them and can discuss worldly things like politics and the financial industry ;) they’re traders/farmers mostly

Interestingly @ThousandsOfTulips my ideal list was like yours ; but all of the funny, witty etc etc men I dated turned out to be not very nice. I was very into history, literature, arthouse films etc and while we had great discussions I never felt secure with them.

@Avarua

If you're looking for an emotionally healthy, good-at-relationships guy then one simple question can elicit pretty much all you need to know: are your parents together, and are they happy?

Obviously it's not his fault who his parents are but as a rule of thumb the men with happy, still-together parents is going to be a better long term bet.

Wow. Such balderdash.

Many many people learn from their parents how not to do things, so those whose parents have split up or aren't happy may easily have observed what went wrong and resolved never to do it. I know this because I'm one of them.

Hideous generalisation you've made there.

I'm OLD - (mid 40s) I think it's virtually impossible to find someone single at my age who had two wonderful parents. The prism in which we view our childhoods and the parents we had had altered so much since I was young, so that's not on my list.

I look for someone who is:

Fun and funny
Entertaining/interesting/not boring
Kind & good energy
Sexual attraction
Bright rather than educated (but I don't think I've ever dated anyone without a degree even though I'm not particularly bothered about degrees)
Stable
Financially secure & responsible
No addictions
No ugly behaviours
An interest in culture
Healthy
Not obsessed/over keen on sports
Loves food - definitely not a picky eater
Happy
Worked through any trauma/had therapy and learnt from it
Enjoy their work/career
Enjoy travel/new experiences
Good fathers (if they have children)
No animal allergies
Good manners
Liberal/left leaning
Self sufficient
Tall (my ex h was short and he has put me off short men for life!)
Brown/warm eyes
Lovely smile
Ability and willingness to make lots of tea
Got time for me and wants to spend quality time with me

If they speak another language/are musical then bonus points!

I don't think I'm that fussy - I just have all of the above and so am looking for my match. My life is good as a singleton (although I would like more sex and cuddles!) so I can't be bothered with anything less as I know I would get bored/annoyed with them long term. I do have flings with guys who don't hit everything on the list and I never come close to wanting to get in a permanent relationship with them because I know it sadly just wouldn't work.

Some of the biggest narcissists and sociopaths I know have parents that they tell me are "Still very much in love" and "happily married" and "never argue" and when you find out more, what wedded bliss means is that dad controls the mum and the reason they never argue is that mum does whatever dad wants and never disagrees, and that's where this guy learned about marriage. Sure, OBSERVE the guy's parents yourself but don't take his word for what his parents' marriage is like.

Absolutely true.

I really value intelligence. It doesn't have to be a specific type of intelligence, but they have to have "something about them".

@reasysteady

I'm OLD - (mid 40s) I think it's virtually impossible to find someone single at my age who had two wonderful parents. The prism in which we view our childhoods and the parents we had had altered so much since I was young, so that's not on my list.

I look for someone who is:

Fun and funny
Entertaining/interesting/not boring
Kind & good energy
Sexual attraction
Bright rather than educated (but I don't think I've ever dated anyone without a degree even though I'm not particularly bothered about degrees)
Stable
Financially secure & responsible
No addictions
No ugly behaviours
An interest in culture
Healthy
Not obsessed/over keen on sports
Loves food - definitely not a picky eater
Happy
Worked through any trauma/had therapy and learnt from it
Enjoy their work/career
Enjoy travel/new experiences
Good fathers (if they have children)
No animal allergies
Good manners
Liberal/left leaning
Self sufficient
Tall (my ex h was short and he has put me off short men for life!)
Brown/warm eyes
Lovely smile
Ability and willingness to make lots of tea
Got time for me and wants to spend quality time with me

If they speak another language/are musical then bonus points!

I don't think I'm that fussy - I just have all of the above and so am looking for my match. My life is good as a singleton (although I would like more sex and cuddles!) so I can't be bothered with anything less as I know I would get bored/annoyed with them long term. I do have flings with guys who don't hit everything on the list and I never come close to wanting to get in a permanent relationship with them because I know it sadly just wouldn't work.

Fair dues and all, however is eye colour seriously that much of a deal breaker? That you'd get bored and annoyed with them long term if they had blue, grey or green eyes?

I mean, I get we all have our types. Just personally, feels such an arbitrary thing?

@Ionlydomassiveones I’ve met just as many WC wankers as MC ones. The MC ones, I at least had something in common with.

I’ve also met just as many lovely intelligent MC men as WC ones. The difference being that the former were considerably less likely to take umbrage at my career or level of education. They’re also considerably less cheerfully racist (I’m not white, so this is a pretty big deal for me).

My father died when I was 4. My Mother recently. She is 75.

My Brother died 8 years ago at 44.

My twin daughters died 4 years ago.

If I go by your rules, I’d be an emotional wreck.

However, I’m with a wonderful women. And She thinks I’m a wonderful Man.