So irritating having to constantly remind partner to take on mental load

[Fullyloaded]

E.g. I have to specifically point out things that need to be tidied up before the cleaner comes e.g. I come downstairs having been tidying upstairs to find my daughter's puzzle pieces all over the kitchen floor and partner's bowl on the side instead of in the dishwasher. "But I tidied the kitchen last night!" he says. Great, but the kitchen is now messy again and it needs to be tidy so she can clean. All of the heavy things I asked him to move last night are still on the landing. "But when you came up with my tea this morning you didn't tell me I had to move them straight away!" Yes, but you know the cleaner comes at 8am and she can't clean if they're not put away and she's now here. "You didn't tell me I had to strip the sheets!" We both sleep in that bed, and the cleaner will not be able to put the clean ones on if it's still made up. "Where are the clean sheets...?" OMFG!!!!!!!!!

And then if I ask for him to do multiple things I get told not to nag!!! JUST DO IT WITHOUT ME HAVING TO ASK!

Feeling very frustrated with the injustice of it all. I have talked to him about it, and in fairness he often is pretty good at making changes, but it just feels like an ongoing battle to remind him that if he calls himself a feminist he actually needs to assume an equal share of the mental load.

Tell me about your examples of partners shirking the mental load.

So... You decide something should be done the way you want it done and he has to do it.

Why are you stripping the bedsheets, isn't that the job of the cleaner.

Sorry, these are the differences that don't work between men and women. A woman wants it done this way, a man just isn't bothered, which highlights my point why men and women shouldn't live together.

He's not right, you're not right, you just have a different way of doing things, but in this instance you're way is the right way.

It sounds like you just have different standards. I'm a woman, I'm messy, I do the minimum. I'm not taking on the mental load you expect there. Neither is my husband. I wish I did though. It sounds like you're confusing these different cleanliness standards with lack of interest/effort. He may be worried he's doing everything wrong and not want to try.

You have a few options. 1. Accept you have high standards and are going to do more,giving your husband some jobs that are clearly defined like empty the bins, hoover once a week etc.. it might not be fair but you can't make someone as good at or interested in a clean house as you are.

1. Get a cleaner to plug the gap

1. Accept more mess

1. Reach a compromise and clearly divide chores but it won't be quite as much as you want.

Good luck,it's never easy but I'm sure you can work it out. It sounds like he cares and tries so. Think you have something to work with :)

That's not quite it - it's not about mismatched standards. We would both like the house to be clean, we both agreed to employ the cleaner and we both know that the house has to be tidy for the cleaner to clean. The fact is that he seems to want me to spoon-feed him every task to get the house tidy. I don't care how he tidies away the puzzle on the floor, but he should be able to look at the puzzle on the floor and think hmm, the cleaner won't be able to hoover or mop with the puzzle on the floor, I'd best pick it up!

I've had this for years it's exhausting. I explain it by saying ...who tells me stuff needs doing? I'm supposed to decide, work it out , remember etc. Why is it decided somewhere by someone that's my role not yours? Why not I only do what you work out and remember needs doing and ask me to do?

I felt that once I had kids I got given a non-paid "manager of the whole family role" with working hours 24/7 responsibilities = everything and no way to resign!

YANBU OP

If you find a solution let me know.

(although agree cleaners generally do strip the bed as well as put new sheets on, and they’re generally willing to work around/deal with the odd cereal bowl too)

Some cleaners do the beds I had houses where they had stripped the bed and left clean bedding out fore and I would remake them

He needs to understand these things need to be done or its pointless paying for a cleaner to tidy "around" everything

It's not the cleaner's job to change sheets

I'm hearing you. I've tried and failed for years!

@Foxy333

I've had this for years it's exhausting. I explain it by saying ...who tells me stuff needs doing? I'm supposed to decide, work it out , remember etc. Why is it decided somewhere by someone that's my role not yours? Why not I only do what you work out and remember needs doing and ask me to do?

I felt that once I had kids I got given a non-paid "manager of the whole family role" with working hours 24/7 responsibilities = everything and no way to resign!

This with bells on. If anyone has a solution let me know.

It was the same with my ex, I didn’t realise it wasn’t so much the mental load but the nagging that left me exhausted every day.

Raising a child on my own was a doodle, I came to find after we split.

Lots of comments about the sheets! I wouldn't fancy taking somebody's crusty sheets off their bed so I wouldn't expect anybody to do that with mine. Putting the clean ones on was agreed up front with my (lovely, reliable and very flexible) cleaner. That's how it has worked for the last two years, and there is no issue for anyone with that routine.

My cleaner would quite happily wash up some cereal bowls, but that's not really the point - it's just the total obliviousness of him leaving it there when the dishwasher is half empty and right underneath the side he left it on. It takes approx. 3 seconds.

You agree that the house should be clean before the cleaner comes.

I think I'm gonna get a job as a cleaner in a slightly middle class area, where my customers actually do my job before I get there.

He's agreeing by the sound of it to just keep you happy but he doesn't really want to do it.

Different standards shall never the Twain meet!

I’m glad I live with a fully functioning adult.

Just make the bed and put the bedspread/duvet over.

My Mum always told me 'no man ever left his wife for not doing the housework'.

Perhaps my dh regrets not marrying a skivvy. Who knows? He is an adult though. An intelligent one at that and perfectly capable of knowing/figuring out what needs done.

My advice? Just stop doing everything.

Me: I take on all the mental load.
Him: Yes, because you do it so much better.

FML.

I’ll give you a laugh. When I first got a cleaner at approx 8 months pregnant, I told h he’d need to tidy up a bit before she started on the Monday: he changed into hiking boots, hiking trousers, a hoodie and marigolds to tidy up a few puzzles, books and the washing up - groaning with exertion, and needed three bottles of beer to reward himself for the huge physical effort he’d made.

@1MillionDollars no, we don't clean before she comes - we tidy our stuff away so that she can clean, hoover, mop etc. And if you read my previous post, he also wants a clean house - standards are the same, just I'm the one who is supposed to orchestrate that being achieved.

Same here. No idea why stuff doesn't occur to him.

@Awrite

My Mum always told me 'no man ever left his wife for not doing the housework'.

Perhaps my dh regrets not marrying a skivvy. Who knows? He is an adult though. An intelligent one at that and perfectly capable of knowing/figuring out what needs done.

My advice? Just stop doing everything.

. . . My ex had 2 adult kids. I warned her as I was the stay at home dad that if she couldn't get them to help me out (they both laid on their beds until 1pm, didn't work) I would be on strike.

I went on strike and stopped doing things. The place was a mess and I was creating a toxic environment according to her.

Stop being a martyr to your own cause. My mum is the same, she gets annoyed when things aren't done when she expects them to be done or that people don't have the same standards/feeling as her.

@awrite yes, tempting. But also feels like cutting off my nose to spite my face! I'm no skivvy - I don't do it all, and I tell him when he needs to up his game. I'm just tired that I have to even do that!

@eddiemairswife I'm not sure how that achieves us having clean sheets? Or do you not change yours?

@Fullyloaded

Just stop doing it, stop trying to get him to do it. The simple fact is this....

When somebody else does something for you, it can become hard to be bothered to do it for yourself.

I will use my mum as an example. I had to go home for 3 months. My younger brother (32) has my mum do everything, he will cleverly get everyone to do things for him very slowly, you don't even know it's happening and he will make you feel guilty if you don't.

My mum is a carer. I've looked after myself for 25 years, but unless she is looking after me she feels useless and unneeded. It would be SO easy to take advantage of her, but I don't. Others would.

Stop!!!!

@1MillionDollars

So... You decide something should be done the way you want it done and he has to do it.

Why are you stripping the bedsheets, isn't that the job of the cleaner.

Sorry, these are the differences that don't work between men and women. A woman wants it done this way, a man just isn't bothered, which highlights my point why men and women shouldn't live together.

He's not right, you're not right, you just have a different way of doing things, but in this instance you're way is the right way.

Hi is him not having enough awareness of their cleaners requirements that their bed be stripped anything to do with her having higher standards and expecting him to ‘ do things her way ‘ He lives there , he is as responsible for collaborating with the cleaner as she is , and yeah some cleaners require beds be stripped . Why the hell doesn’t he know where the sheets are kept? This whole excuse men use about ‘ oh your standards are just different and we are not wrong just different is rubbish ‘ otherwise why is it women are still caring the lions share of unpaid childcare and shopping even when working the same hours outside the hone as men ? Men need to lift their game The op wrote nothing at all to suggest she has unreasonable standards or that her standards are the expectation. THEY have a cleaner for THEIR house who expects sheets stripped and he is so entitled an d trained in the sexist mentality of ‘ I don’t need to be conscious of or think about stripping the bed or even knowing where the sheets are kept .