So irritating having to constantly remind partner to take on mental load

[Fullyloaded]

E.g. I have to specifically point out things that need to be tidied up before the cleaner comes e.g. I come downstairs having been tidying upstairs to find my daughter's puzzle pieces all over the kitchen floor and partner's bowl on the side instead of in the dishwasher. "But I tidied the kitchen last night!" he says. Great, but the kitchen is now messy again and it needs to be tidy so she can clean. All of the heavy things I asked him to move last night are still on the landing. "But when you came up with my tea this morning you didn't tell me I had to move them straight away!" Yes, but you know the cleaner comes at 8am and she can't clean if they're not put away and she's now here. "You didn't tell me I had to strip the sheets!" We both sleep in that bed, and the cleaner will not be able to put the clean ones on if it's still made up. "Where are the clean sheets...?" OMFG!!!!!!!!!

And then if I ask for him to do multiple things I get told not to nag!!! JUST DO IT WITHOUT ME HAVING TO ASK!

Feeling very frustrated with the injustice of it all. I have talked to him about it, and in fairness he often is pretty good at making changes, but it just feels like an ongoing battle to remind him that if he calls himself a feminist he actually needs to assume an equal share of the mental load.

Tell me about your examples of partners shirking the mental load.

But how does one just stop? I don't think I could present the cleaner with a shit tip of a house and expect her to pick the bones out of it, I would feel awful. How do I navigate that without putting her in an awkward situation? Genuinely asking for suggestions here.

OP Let him deal with the cleaner and any questions about why the bed wasn’t stripped or that the sheets wernt left out

@Pinkbucket thank you - that's it exactly. The things that need to be done are the requirements of having a cleaner, not my own standards for the house. I don't give a shit how he achieves the task, I just need him to actually do it and to do it without me prompting him every step of the way.

@Pinkbucket

We have a difference of opinion. We have no idea of the dynamics here. We have no idea of what the cleaner expects.

The situation here is that the OP like a lot of other women (or like a lot of other women think/like to think) is that they bare the load.....You don't

Again. Just like my mum, you think you do, you think the world will end if you don't get it done. Unfortunately men will let you just get it done. My ex thought I couldn't use a washing machine and didn't like me touching it, then moaned eventually that she did all the washing. I lived on my own for 10 years before meeting her. In fact I used to iron my clothes all the time before meeting her, then stopped because she never did.

@Pinkbucket and thanks for that suggestion, it's a good one. I'll try it.

There is a good book about this, despite the irritating title it provides some good advice. It is called the Surrendered Wife. The basic principle of it is that if you stop nagging and with plenty of positive reinforcement they actually start acting like responsible adults. You don’t surrender to them, you just stop treating them as if you were their mother and they turn themselves back into who they were at the start of the relationship (unless they were proper shots from the start)

Yet another man using weaponised incompetence.

Hopefully If he plays dumb or does something badly enough you'll stop asking or expecting him to do anything (well in his head anyway).

@GrandmasCat

There is a good book about this, despite the irritating title it provides some good advice. It is called the Surrendered Wife. The basic principle of it is that if you stop nagging and with plenty of positive reinforcement they actually start acting like responsible adults. You don’t surrender to them, you just stop treating them as if you were their mother and they turn themselves back into who they were at the start of the relationship (unless they were proper shots from the start)

. . . Men are idiots. Women think they have to mother men.

If somebody is going to do everything for you, sometimes you just let them.

Enable, not disable. When will women learn.

@GrandmasCat thanks, I'll check it out

… or as my teen boy said when moving out: “mum, it is not that I forget everything, I just leave it there because I know you are taking care of it.”

There must be an element of truth on that… he has survived unscathed away from me so far.

[quote 1MillionDollars]@Pinkbucket

We have a difference of opinion. We have no idea of the dynamics here. We have no idea of what the cleaner expects.

The situation here is that the OP like a lot of other women (or like a lot of other women think/like to think) is that they bare the load.....You don't

Again. Just like my mum, you think you do, you think the world will end if you don't get it done. Unfortunately men will let you just get it done. My ex thought I couldn't use a washing machine and didn't like me touching it, then moaned eventually that she did all the washing. I lived on my own for 10 years before meeting her. In fact I used to iron my clothes all the time before meeting her, then stopped because she never did.[/quote]
Well yes we do know because the OP just told us exactly what the cleaner expects
She expects the sheets stripped
Why do you think it’s fine for the man not to even think of doing this job and why is it fine for him to not know where the sheets are
The OP is actually recognising like many other women that no we don’t care the load . That I believe , (and please correct me if I’m wrong OP ) is exactly why she is asking why she should have to remind her partner to be prepared for the cleaner in a house that he is equally as responsible for as her

And excuse me. Who are you to make assumptions about what I ( or any other woman thinks about what is ‘ my load ) your wrong abd id like yoh to show me where I said anywhere that I believe my job is to carry any one else’s load
I clean for myself and believe in equality
My partner and I have a 50/ 50 split of chores
It seems you know a lot about women and what they apparently think … not !
We are not one homogenous group and I certainly didn’t spend 4 years studying sociology and gender issues to be mansplained about what I think my ‘role is ‘

@1MillionDollars

‘ Men are idiots. Women think they have to mother men.

If somebody is going to do everything for you, sometimes you just let them.

Enable, not disable. When will women ’

How about you stop mansplaining and telling women how women think . You really have no idea and with all due respect to your mother She’s not an example of all women ‘

@Pinkbucket

Oooh dear. I've met many a person that has studied this snd that but doesn't know everything. I know someone who has possibly 3 degrees in psychology but has 2 ex wives and has no self awareness when it comes to themselves, so please don't bat your qualifications around.

I am actually trying to stand up for women here.

I will use once again my lovely mum as an example. Having been back home for 3 months I can understand my dads plight after 40 years of Marriage. They have different expectations and a poor communication style as to what they each want.

That's about all I have to say. Not going to argue, we have a difference of opinion.

@Pinkbucket

Their words too about their own self awareness. I thought it for years and he said it to me in conversation just the other day. A Dr Of Psycology

[quote 1MillionDollars]@Pinkbucket

Oooh dear. I've met many a person that has studied this snd that but doesn't know everything. I know someone who has possibly 3 degrees in psychology but has 2 ex wives and has no self awareness when it comes to themselves, so please don't bat your qualifications around.

I am actually trying to stand up for women here.

I will use once again my lovely mum as an example. Having been back home for 3 months I can understand my dads plight after 40 years of Marriage. They have different expectations and a poor communication style as to what they each want.

That's about all I have to say. Not going to argue, we have a difference of opinion. [/quote]
No my studies don’t mean I know everything but I certainly know how I feel a hell of a lot better than you do
Yet you get on here and tell me how I think and how other women think

You’re a man . You simply cannot speak for women . You can’t speak as a woman and you certainly cannot speak for me .

@Pinkbucket yes, exactly. It's not just my role, I want it to be equal, why do i have to keep on and keep on and KEEP ON calling him out for ducking the mental load which comes with making that happen. The fact that I call him out shows that I am not a skivvy and I'm not prepared to let it all fall to me. That doesn't mean it's not exhausting fighting for that equality. @1MillionDollars I can't actually believe that you would have the nerve to bring up that example about your ex and the washing machine on this thread. Can't you see that by not pushing to make that situation more equal you are part of the problem?

@1MillionDollars
The fact that you even think you ca. Get online abd tell a woman
You think
The OP thinks ….
Women think ….
Show your incredible ignorance and tendency to mansplain. You’re not helping women at all . Your trying to act superior and like you know all about women which you don’t

My biggest frustration is cooking the dinner. He used to cook, but it was still up to me to decide what we were having and make sure we had the ingredients in. If I didn't do that we would just end up eating out or getting take away. (He's got better but his "turn" certainly isn't 50/50).
I suppose in a way it is different standards, as when I work away he either cooks something that will last for days or lives of ready meals and takeaways.
But is it too much to ask to want to live a life where I don't end up obese and skint if I try to share the job of cooking.

Okay. Let's all just listen to a woman's thoughts shall we. I'm not mansplaining anything. I'm giving my opinion.

Leave the bastard.
He's abusive
Dump his ass
He's a narcissist

That better for you.

[quote Fullyloaded]**@Pinkbucket* yes, exactly. It's not just my role, I want it to be equal, why do i have to keep on and keep on and KEEP ON calling him out for ducking the mental load which comes with making that happen. The fact that I call him out shows that I am not a skivvy and I'm not prepared to let it all fall to me. That doesn't mean it's not exhausting fighting for that equality. @1MillionDollars* I can't actually believe that you would have the nerve to bring up that example about your ex and the washing machine on this thread. Can't you see that by not pushing to make that situation more equal you are part of the problem?[/quote]
Yea the strange thing is that men who are part of the problem are often the ones who think they are the good guys
I’m sorry your dealing with this @Fullyloaded

@lillg yes, that sounds familiar. We found recipe boxes quite useful for that sitiation because he could choose the meal and would know all the ingredients were there and then follow the instructions, and he actually quite enjoyed it in the end (and I didn't have to get involved at all). More expensive than cooking normally though.

@1MillionDollars

Okay. Let's all just listen to a woman's thoughts shall we. I'm not mansplaining anything. I'm giving my opinion.

Leave the bastard.
He's abusive
Dump his ass
He's a narcissist

That better for you.

No just stop telling us… You think… She thinks … Women think ….

Is there no line for you between telling women how they think and saying nothing ?

Are you able to offer anything to a conversation without telling women how they think . You might find women more receptive if you give them the respect to not tell them how they think . Thankyou

[quote 1MillionDollars]@Pinkbucket

Their words too about their own self awareness. I thought it for years and he said it to me in conversation just the other day. A Dr Of Psycology[/quote]
I’m sure not one of them gets online qnd tells an entire gender how they think and I certainly havnt done that once either
Yet here is you , apparently with no qualifications go knows how me , the op and women think … hmmmm

@Pinkbucket

This place is full of people telling other women how men think and behave, maybe I'm allowed, from a mans perspective, to say how a man thinks a woman thinks.

We are so different it's ridiculously ridiculous. For me that's a big part of the problem.

@Pinkbucket

How do you know I have no qualifications?