So irritating having to constantly remind partner to take on mental load

[Fullyloaded]

E.g. I have to specifically point out things that need to be tidied up before the cleaner comes e.g. I come downstairs having been tidying upstairs to find my daughter's puzzle pieces all over the kitchen floor and partner's bowl on the side instead of in the dishwasher. "But I tidied the kitchen last night!" he says. Great, but the kitchen is now messy again and it needs to be tidy so she can clean. All of the heavy things I asked him to move last night are still on the landing. "But when you came up with my tea this morning you didn't tell me I had to move them straight away!" Yes, but you know the cleaner comes at 8am and she can't clean if they're not put away and she's now here. "You didn't tell me I had to strip the sheets!" We both sleep in that bed, and the cleaner will not be able to put the clean ones on if it's still made up. "Where are the clean sheets...?" OMFG!!!!!!!!!

And then if I ask for him to do multiple things I get told not to nag!!! JUST DO IT WITHOUT ME HAVING TO ASK!

Feeling very frustrated with the injustice of it all. I have talked to him about it, and in fairness he often is pretty good at making changes, but it just feels like an ongoing battle to remind him that if he calls himself a feminist he actually needs to assume an equal share of the mental load.

Tell me about your examples of partners shirking the mental load.

[quote Fullyloaded]@Wotsitsits funnily enough I said that exact thing to him this morning, that it was misogynistic to complain that I was 'nagging' him. He HATES it when I suggest he is being misogynistic, it's a sure fire way to get him to listen. He does actually consider himself a feminist and is very forward thinking in a lot of ways (not that any man should get special praise for doing their share, but just to illustrate that he's not a total bell end and does try to better himself) so it really cuts deep when I say it. I save it for when he's consistently dropping the ball and needs to step up. It's frustrating though that he clearly wants to be a decent man and partner and yet STILL this stuff is so ingrained that it's a constant battle to remind him and call him out on it. It's like that phrase "but I helped you with x y z around the house." No you didn't fucking HELP ME, you just did something around the house that you have 50% responsibility for![/quote]
If he thinks of himself as a feminist maybe showing him this would help. www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Then again after your post at 13:12 I'm not sure it would be helpful. From someone a lot further down the path this leads too, there needs to be real change now, before the resentment destroys your relationship. I'd suggest marriage counseling, it's so much better to do it preemptively to solve problems before they become big issues.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons yeah we actually have done a couple of sessions around this, but it's an ever evolving thing. I've laid it out on the table and said the split is unbalanced and I want to divide up the chores and basically rarely speak about them. I've done a 'quick whip round' task list for each of us to do 2 weekdays per week, done a checklist for the fortnightly pre clean tidy with initials against it, and also laid out the main household chores/responsibilities and initials against them too. I've asked for his thoughts, let's see how that goes down. He's previously been staunchly resistant to anything like this 'because it gives me a stick to beat him with if he doesn't do something.' He needs to grow the fuck up.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons ahh I've sent him that before. God, rereading it just makes me even more angry that he came in last night and asked me what I needed hil to do. RRRRAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGH.

I just stopped doing anything other than the basics.

We live in a dirty house with mess everywhere but every time I think it's time for me to start again I get resentful because of course its me suggesting it. And he will do the work but only what I ask.

Problem is we're both depressed and I think the state of the house is making it worse.

I just don't want to take on that load again. The only single thing he has ever done off his own back is laundry and that's because I stopped doing it.

We're on a waiting list for local cleaners/sorters to get things up to date.

FX @Fullyloaded. I've never used one, but there are some apps where you can share a calendar and tasks, maybe a digital reminder with a warning an hour before might help. It's still you doing the mental work to organise and set it up, but once it's set you shouldn't, in theory, need to do the mental work of those tasks. Or if tidying is something that he won't ever do well, maybe that's one of your tasks but he, for example, does all the laundry, washing, folding and putting away. I've read it can work better to delegate the whole task, then he does it in his time, but you don't have to be mentally responsible for those things at all.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons that's a good idea... let's see how the initial concept goes down and maybe I can build that in if he's open to it. I've delegated some whole tasks e.g. bins, car stuff, insurance, but with laundry I have a single load in as part of the 'quick whip round' tasks we each do 2 days per week, so that way I can be sure that my daughter and i have some clothes to wear at least...!

I agree HRPuffinStuff. Though I am older and live alone now, and life is still too complex! I remember my parents doing sweet sod all really in the 1960s and 1970s. Still, thank goodness I don’t have all the nonsense school stuff, halloween ad infinitum etc anymore!

Even when each person shares the chores as we do, there's still bullshit to bicker about.
She hates the way I wash the glasses, I can't stand the fur her dog leaves on my carpet. She hates the way I don't fold my clothes inside when washing them. She pisses me off by leaving footwear at the bottom and all over the staircase. I hate the house being a sauna..

Blah, blah.
Lottery win and separate homes for the win..

Update, mainly for @LunaAndHerMoonDragons after another blazing row we finally spoke calmly and I called him out again (I shot down the 'but you LIKE doing this stuff, you're always thinking about it!' Errrrrr I'm thinking about it because if I don't then nobody will and it won't get done. And also 'you feel loved by me doing what you want me to do!' Errrrrr no, that suggests that all of the responsibility is mine and that you are doing something for me. I just want to do half of the chores and not have to do the other half as well.) He agreed to give my task list a try and I came down after work yesterday to find a fully tidied and clean kitchen, dishwasher on, washing machine on and all other communal areas free of detritus. Early days, but I'll take that as a win!!!

Yes but did he use the correct washing program.🤣🤣🤭

@Hrpuffnstuff1 yup! The fact that he was finally washing cloth nappies and poo covered clothes that had sat there for a month until they went mouldy was a bonus too (I agreed to use cloth on the understanding that I would have nothing to do with the washing and have held that boundary!)

FIL texts to ask what time they are coming to babysit over the weekend. I pause the tv to read text out and start to discuss our dinner plans in order to work out what time they need to come and therefore reply to text. DH simply says, he's in the middle of a film and that I should just work it out. Great. Thanks. I'll just sort it all out then.

This isn't about whether he 'sees' things to do or not, it's about respect. Respect for you, the cleaner, the DC and even himself. In 40 odd years of marriage I've never had to pick up so much as a sock off the floor that belonged to my DH, he'd feel ashamed of himself.
You're doing the right thing @Fullyloaded nip it in the bud now while you and the DC are young. Your DP sounds like a bloody teenager.

[quote Fullyloaded]@LunaAndHerMoonDragons that's a good idea... let's see how the initial concept goes down and maybe I can build that in if he's open to it. I've delegated some whole tasks e.g. bins, car stuff, insurance, but with laundry I have a single load in as part of the 'quick whip round' tasks we each do 2 days per week, so that way I can be sure that my daughter and i have some clothes to wear at least...![/quote]
OP, I can 100% see how frustrating it all is. Just to say a lot of men mentioned on here seem to get handy things in their 'share' of jobs. The bins, for example. Ensure landfill goes into one, recycling stuff in another, and that they are our for collection. That's it.

'The car' and 'insurance' again, there's nothing to be done with a car that makes it in any way a big job. Fill it with fuel regularly, keep it clean, that's it. Sort insurance once a year, get quotes online. Job done.

The garden, is another that often gets mentioned in the man's list. In most cases a garden needs a lot less care at some times of year than others.
DIY, another that often gets rolled out. There's no way that it can be classed as a fair division of labour, unless literally every piece of furniture in the house is being assembled from scratch, the house is being renovated, painted and whatever else falls under that label.

OP, this is not in any way trying to derail your thread. As I said, I'm 100% with you. I just think that someone is often getting a very good deal with the 'bins, the car' and the rest, versus the endless grind of laundry, tidying, vacuuming, dusting and so on.

...out for collection.

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe

This isn't about whether he 'sees' things to do or not, it's about respect. Respect for you, the cleaner, the DC and even himself. In 40 odd years of marriage I've never had to pick up so much as a sock off the floor that belonged to my DH, he'd feel ashamed of himself. You're doing the right thing *@Fullyloaded* nip it in the bud now while you and the DC are young. Your DP sounds like a bloody teenager.

Absolutely agree.

@CharityDingle he's got bins (because I HATE doing them and we fill our brown bin almost daily from veg peelings etc so I'm very pleased not to do it), laundry, toddler's nursery and health admin, car and insurance. I've got food planning, inventory and cooking, household bill admin and readings and daughters clothes buying and storing/selling outgrowns. Food shopping is alternating responsibility each week. Tidying is now included in the daily whip round we each do 2x per week, so 50:50. I feel like the split is pretty good on paper...

@CharityDingle oh and we don't clean in between our cleaner coming fortnightly, other than keeping kitchen relatively clean and wiping down the dining table etc.

Who does dishes and wiping down table and kitchen benches? If you're cooking he should do the wiping and loading dishes into dishwasher, or one washes other dries. If you're cooking dinners it feels pretty shitty to be wiping down and cleaning up the kitchen and the food from DC under the table.

I would suggest two things to try that can both work.

1. arrange to be out for the two hours before the cleaner comes and the whole time she is there. When you tell him you’re going to be out, say “so you will have to get the house ready for the cleaner”. Then go. He has to figure it out because you’re not there.

2. absolutely lose your shit and in a righteous rage tell him fully and in detail exactly how it makes you feel when he behaves that way and how abjectly shit his behaviour is.

Depend on your style of course and whether you can summon up the rage. It’s taken me years of putting up with crap I didn’t need to before I found my anger. But I’ve found both methods can work and that appropriate, proportionate rage can be energising, enjoyable and very effective! You have to be dealing with a fundamentally decent person for it to work of course. Good luck!

Rage, why are people in a rage over household tasks.

I like a showroom house, but rage. Household bill admin-fgs-it's Direct Debit.
Laundry, load said washer, throw in tablet, pour liquid, close door, select program, press start.
Throughout the course of a relationship, there'll be plenty of rage-worthy causes, household tasks using automated equipment isn't one of them.

No surprise relationships end up sexless with this micromanaging controlling bullshit.

Personally, I think a partner not pulling their weight or taking on any of the mental load is rage worthy.

It shows a lack of respect. If you are the one left to do and think of everything then resentment and anger can build pretty quickly.

No surprise relationships end up sexless with this micromanaging controlling bullshit.

As for this comment 🙄

I would actually suggest many relationships become sexless because women don't want to have sex with men who are unable to take responsibility for household chores and leave all the shit work to them.

@beatrice82

FIL texts to ask what time they are coming to babysit over the weekend. I pause the tv to read text out and start to discuss our dinner plans in order to work out what time they need to come and therefore reply to text. DH simply says, he's in the middle of a film and that I should just work it out. Great. Thanks. I'll just sort it all out then.

Why did it have to be sorted out instantly, in the middle of a film? Why are you checking your phone in the middle of a film? Who on earth interrupts their own enjoyment of a film to do life admin that could perfectly well be sorted an hour later when the film is over? I am 100% with your DH on this one.