So irritating having to constantly remind partner to take on mental load

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E.g. I have to specifically point out things that need to be tidied up before the cleaner comes e.g. I come downstairs having been tidying upstairs to find my daughter's puzzle pieces all over the kitchen floor and partner's bowl on the side instead of in the dishwasher. "But I tidied the kitchen last night!" he says. Great, but the kitchen is now messy again and it needs to be tidy so she can clean. All of the heavy things I asked him to move last night are still on the landing. "But when you came up with my tea this morning you didn't tell me I had to move them straight away!" Yes, but you know the cleaner comes at 8am and she can't clean if they're not put away and she's now here. "You didn't tell me I had to strip the sheets!" We both sleep in that bed, and the cleaner will not be able to put the clean ones on if it's still made up. "Where are the clean sheets...?" OMFG!!!!!!!!!

And then if I ask for him to do multiple things I get told not to nag!!! JUST DO IT WITHOUT ME HAVING TO ASK!

Feeling very frustrated with the injustice of it all. I have talked to him about it, and in fairness he often is pretty good at making changes, but it just feels like an ongoing battle to remind him that if he calls himself a feminist he actually needs to assume an equal share of the mental load.

Tell me about your examples of partners shirking the mental load.

I feel for you Op, and completely understand your frustration.

Some people (mostly men but not some women too) still think that if a man does anything around the house he's helping the woman of the house.

When you both work FT, housework / jobs around the home are a 50/50 shared task. And yet some still don't see it that way. When it comes to housework they expect the woman to do their thinking for them, and then to get some sort of thanks for doing the task as thought they've done a favour.

In my case, my DH does more of the outside work / DIY / car maintenance, and I do more of the inside work (personal choice on both counts) but the workload overall is split equally. He might ask where I'm up to if he's come indoors to do housework, and I'll do the same if I'm dropping on doing DIY with him. BUT when it comes to ordinary day to day tidying up / doing the pots, he can see what needs doing, and just does it. Because he's an adult who has shared responsibility for the running of the house. If he makes a mess, he clears it up.

I think the old instinct is still there in me to an extent. For example I iron more often, and if my DH does the ironing I have to stop myself thanking him for doing it. I do stop myself though, as he hasn't done me a favour any more than I did him a favour the last 20 times I did it. And I don't want to reinforce any ideas that ironing is 'my job'.

I've rambled a bit, but I'm trying to say I think these ideas are so deeply ingrained, that even a 'modern' man or woman sometimes defaults to the assumption that the woman is in charge / has main responsibility inside the house. In your case, you have had the discussion many times, and he still thinks he can make mess and it'[s your job to clear it up. Which is really, really irritating and unattractive.

All that said, very happy to see you may have found your answer. I hope he can keep it up!

Heres an example thats quite typical in our house.

We're having a (v rare) weekend away soon. DH finds a hotel he likes the look of and we agree to book that. I book it and pay for it. As I'm filing in booking details/credit card etc DH is saying "what time does it say to book in ?" He's literally just been on the website on his phone!!

When we go he'll say "whats the address, what time can we get in? How long will it take to get there's? Is there car parking etc"
This happens every family holiday . We normally self cater so you can add, "do we have to take our own towels, does it say if they've got ..."

Usually 20 min into the journey he'll say "have we got .Usually I will have packed it. Last time we went away, despite me seeing it on the table as we were leaving , and mentioning it at least twice, he forgot his cap (that he wears almost everywhere - and he did need it because it was hot) so had to go and buy one the first day we were there.
But he'll think we had equal input into the holiday because he chose the place!!

@Fizbosshoes

Heres an example thats quite typical in our house.

We're having a (v rare) weekend away soon. DH finds a hotel he likes the look of and we agree to book that. I book it and pay for it. As I'm filing in booking details/credit card etc DH is saying "what time does it say to book in ?" He's literally just been on the website on his phone!!

When we go he'll say "whats the address, what time can we get in? How long will it take to get there's? Is there car parking etc"
This happens every family holiday . We normally self cater so you can add, "do we have to take our own towels, does it say if they've got ..."

Usually 20 min into the journey he'll say "have we got .Usually I will have packed it. Last time we went away, despite me seeing it on the table as we were leaving , and mentioning it at least twice, he forgot his cap (that he wears almost everywhere - and he did need it because it was hot) so had to go and buy one the first day we were there.
But he'll think we had equal input into the holiday because he chose the place!!

I do the bookings in our household, Mrs. Hr asks the same questions.

In fact, the last time we went away, I insisted on ironing my driving t-shirt, I couldn't be arsed to get the board out, so I ironed the t-shirt on the floor.
Well, the iron fell over and singed the brand new carpet.

We're having a (v rare) weekend away soon. DH finds a hotel he likes the look of and we agree to book that.
Great!
I book it and pay for it.
Why????
And if the answer is, you're the one paying for it, why not hand over your credit card and let him book it?

A classic example in our house today - DPs stayed over. As they're about to leave, DF can't find his phone. DM immediately steps in to help look. Checking in his coat etc. Within several minutes DF is asking DM where he should be looking. And then, just as quickly, DM has assumed the role of Chief Phone Finder while DF simply looks on.

It's this kind of absolute shite I refuse to deal with. Your monkey, your circus. And I am not Google. Or your mother.
(Admittedly sometimes I go too far and DH would be able to complain the opposite to me...) No blame on anyone here and it's misogynistic crap that means the default is the woman. But how you respond to that expectation shapes the dynamic. I wish DM had simply stood there and said "oh dear" and made sympathetic noises while DF searched. But 70 years of cultural conditioning are sadly pretty impossible to undo.

@Hrpuffnstuff1 Laundry, load said washer, throw in tablet, pour liquid, close door, select program, press start.

Yeah, simple, isn't it. So why can't he a) see that it needs doing b) use an appropriate programme which doesn't leave them still smelly and soggy c) hang them up d) not leave them hung up for a week e) put them away?

Can you not see why it induces rage that it is all left to me? Along with everything else? Can you not see it's not micromanagement to say DO THE FUCKING LAUNDRY? Can you not see it's exactly the opposite of micromanagement - I don't want to think about the fucking laundry, I don't want to do the fucking laundry, I don't care how you do the fucking laundry provided the clothes are clean at the end of it, JUST DO THE FUCKING LAUNDRY WITHOUT ME HAVING TO PROD YOU ALL THE TIME TO DO THE FUCKING LAUNDRY!