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Original poster

...to think this could've been rape?

222 replies

lostintime0789 · 09/11/2021 13:52

Sat night, I got a little (too!) drunk and the bar I was at, ended up alone as I'd been out with a friend who deserted me!

Long story short, I got chatting to these 2 guys, but one of them in particular was becoming overly friendly, he seemed a nice guy.

Fast-forward around midnight, I was really drunk (even fell over Blush) and he invited me back to his place - I said no to this as I had to be in work Mon morning but he could come back to mine - I invited him... Sad

We had sex, that I can recall, but the whole night is now pretty much a blur...

Mon morning, wakes up absolutely covered in bruises - around my throat, my legs, hips... thing is, I DO like rough sex so I have possibly told him this hence why he'd gotten so rough?? Hmm

SadMy mind has just been a bit all over the place these past few days, thinking surely he should have known I was far too drunk for all this to happen? He was pretty much sober btw

AIBU in thinking this, or was it just 2 people, a drunken night and some rough sex?? Just feeling really confused SadConfusedBlush

OP posts:
Anonymous48 · 09/11/2021 13:56

If he had been a decent guy he wouldn't have taken advantage of you being so obviously drunk. He would have made sure you got home safely and then left. Unfortunately not all men are decent men.

Whether he did anything illegal or just morally wrong, though, I don't know. It sounds like he thought he had your consent, but I guess the question is whether you could give consent in your state. So I don't know the answer.

Mydogisagentleman · 09/11/2021 13:57

Definitely I would call it rape

Plastic01 · 09/11/2021 13:57

If you consented then it's not rape. Still not a nice guy though...

JudgementalCactus · 09/11/2021 13:58

I'm sorry this happened to you Sad
If he was pretty much sober than he should have known better. You were not capable to give consent. Unfortunately unless he admits something, you'll never know the details and whether you ask for and was a willing participant in the rough sex or not.

Still, a decent man would not have tried to pick up a woman who was drunk enough to be falling down and then black out.

gamerchick · 09/11/2021 13:59

Sounds like you were too drunk to consent. Unfortunately some men will still take advantage.

You need to speak to someone and get checked over. You don't know if he used a condom?

JudgementalCactus · 09/11/2021 13:59

*asked for

Cas112 · 09/11/2021 14:00

Its rape if you was to drunk to consent.

Do you think you gave him consent though?

He shouldn't have taken advantage either way, I hope your OK x

Sexnotgender · 09/11/2021 14:00

@Plastic01

If you consented then it's not rape. Still not a nice guy though...
If she was too drunk to consent then it’s rape.
JudgementalCactus · 09/11/2021 14:00

@gamerchick

Sounds like you were too drunk to consent. Unfortunately some men will still take advantage.

You need to speak to someone and get checked over. You don't know if he used a condom?

If you're not on the pill go get the morning after pill ASAP.
TheAverageUser · 09/11/2021 14:03

It's hard for anyone here to know because it would depend if you were too drunk to consent and if he was also not too drunk to do the same and understand that.

Did you want to sleep with him? Do you remember it?

Original poster
lostintime0789 · 09/11/2021 14:13

I'm ok, don't get me well, more so just angry I got so drunk and brought him back. Honestly, no, I didn't want to sleep with him particularly, I recall even waking up at one point and he was in me SadSad

I'm worrying he may have spiked me now.

Taken the morning after pill, going to wait a few weeks to have a full STI check

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 09/11/2021 14:15

It would be rape if you didnt consent, or were too drunk to consent. That's not the same as being drunk though, you can be drunk, even very drunk, and still consent.

I guess you need to decide whether he crossed the line, then what youd like to do about it.

There are also people (neutral third parties) you can talk to for support if you need it, you dont have to prove or even know if it was rape to talk to them.

Porcupineintherough · 09/11/2021 14:16

Sorry x posts. If you woke up with him in you that sounds like rape. Sad

TurnUpTurnip · 09/11/2021 14:16

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LUCCCY · 09/11/2021 14:16

Yes it would be rape. Do you remember his name?

So sorry this happened to you. Thanks

LobsterNapkin · 09/11/2021 14:16

I don't think there is any way for you to know.

The bar for "too drunk to consent" is fairly high, and can even edge into the level of "incapacitated". And the person needs to be able to see you are that drunk which isn't always easy, some people can be in a black-out but still seem ok to others.

In terms of legal cases, being drunk is a real problem because it means that you can't give reliable evidence. So in this instance, maybe you were passed out or incapacitated and he raped you, but you can't testify to that because you have no memory of it, and even your memory before that might be less reliable than you realize.

Basically, if you can't be sure, neither can a court.

LobsterNapkin · 09/11/2021 14:19

@Porcupineintherough

Sorry x posts. If you woke up with him in you that sounds like rape. Sad
Not always - people can come in and out of blackouts but that isn't evident to the people around them. She might have seemed lucid the whole time, or been lucid when they started but fallen asleep during sex without him noticing.
Cas112 · 09/11/2021 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Post references deleted post Talk guidelines.

fournonblondes · 09/11/2021 14:26

Some man would take advantage of drunken woman in bars. There is not doubt about this. Nowadays girls stay together so that those spiking drinks do not take advantage.

Go out with friends that do not leave you behind. I am not victim shaming but things are bad in clubs at the moment and could have been much worse.

Tal45 · 09/11/2021 14:27

Sounds absolutely awful OP. If you were passing out during sex then I would certainly say you were too drunk to give consent even if you said yes.

RunningFromInsanity · 09/11/2021 14:27

So every single person you've ever brought back to your house you wanted to sleep with them?
When on a night out and been flirting with them all evening? Yes, I wouldn’t invite anyone back if I wasn’t planning on having sex with them.

But that’s not the point of this.

Nellesbelles · 09/11/2021 14:28

It definitely sounds like he took advantage of you OP. There is a grey line around being too drunk to consent but if you were falling asleep that certainly does not sound like you were able to consent and he should have stopped even if he had initially thought you were able to consent.

I hope you are okay. It might be helpful to talk to someone close to you about what happened or visit the GP, it sounds like it was a scary ordeal and you need support Flowers

Tal45 · 09/11/2021 14:29

@TurnUpTurnip

Why did you invite him back to yours if you didn’t want to sleep with him? Before anyone jumps on me I’m not victim blaming but I don’t understand why you would invite a stranger back? I’ve slept with loads of people when I’ve been super drunk (in my younger days) I don’t personally consider any of those times rape.
I can think of at least 2 people I invited back for snogging and cuddles but not sex when I was younger. I loved sharing a bed with someone but was not interested in ONS's
TurnUpTurnip · 09/11/2021 14:29

I don’t invite strangers back to my place no especially not when drunk, not if I didn’t want to sleep with them.

TurnUpTurnip · 09/11/2021 14:30

It’s a very risky situation inviting a stranger home when drunk, as pretty much every single man would think he was getting sex. I don’t think many would think they were going back for a kiss and a cuddle.