...to think this could've been rape?

[lostintime0789]

Sat night, I got a little (too!) drunk and the bar I was at, ended up alone as I'd been out with a friend who deserted me!

Long story short, I got chatting to these 2 guys, but one of them in particular was becoming overly friendly, he seemed a nice guy.

Fast-forward around midnight, I was really drunk (even fell over ) and he invited me back to his place - I said no to this as I had to be in work Mon morning but he could come back to mine - I invited him...

We had sex, that I can recall, but the whole night is now pretty much a blur...

Mon morning, wakes up absolutely covered in bruises - around my throat, my legs, hips... thing is, I DO like rough sex so I have possibly told him this hence why he'd gotten so rough??

My mind has just been a bit all over the place these past few days, thinking surely he should have known I was far too drunk for all this to happen? He was pretty much sober btw

AIBU in thinking this, or was it just 2 people, a drunken night and some rough sex?? Just feeling really confused

Please get yourself checked out..

Please go to Rape crisis and ask them.

I would also have photos taken of the bruises. Even if you dibt want to report now, you may want to next week, next month. He may do this to lots of people.

I beleove you were raped... It sounds as if you were too drunk to consent... And OBVIOUSLY too drunk... As you were falling down drunk... He knew you were drunk and still had sex with you.

This is rape.

The answers on this post clearly show the difference of opinion in what is classed as rape. Which I guess would be the same for a jury. I hope you are OK and can find your peace with this situation, whatever you decide to do and please do get yourself tested.

Rather than "women, don't invite men back in case they rape you", it should be "men, don't rape drunk women who can't consent fully". Put the ball firmly back where it belongs.

OP, I'm sorry this happened to you, it did sound like he took full advantage of your drunkenness and raped you. The blame is on him. Look after yourself and speak to someone like rape crisis if you need help.

Your were obviously drunk, but I'm struggling to see that you were too drunk to consent considering your had a conversation about going back to his, declined for a reason you were able to be coherent about, invited him back to yours, and were able to get both of you back to a house that was indeed yours. That would have required a reasonable amount of awareness, coherent thought etc.

Inviting him back does not entitle him to sex, but the way you were coherent enough to invite him probably means you would have been coherent enough to make a decision on sex, even if in hindsight it's one you wished you hadn't made.

It sounds like he took advantage, if he was a lot more sober than you, but given your blurry recollection, I'm not sure we or you can be sure of anything more than that.

Irrespective of the legality of what happened, it's not unreasonable to feel upset, or unerved at what happened. Definitely take the MAP and get a std test though.

You are allowed to change your mind at any point about consent.

Whether you bring them back to your house, you go back to theirs, you've lead them on all night, you've not flirted at all.

If you say no. It means no.

I think the lines are wavy here because you were so drunk and you can't actually remember if you consented, if you asked for rougher sex or not. A decent man would not have sex with a woman so drunk, and especially not with a woman who is asleep! The being asleep bit screams rape. Have you spoken to him since?

Either way you don't seem happy with what happened and I think you should seek advise, maybe speaking to someone, rape crisis maybe, STI check, morning after pill.

Sorry this happened to you & be kind to yourself. It wasn't your fault.

@TurnUpTurnip

I don’t invite strangers back to my place no especially not when drunk, not if I didn’t want to sleep with them.

So? You’re not the OP here and you don’t know how she was feeling.

Its how you feel op. Id be like yikes I was stupid and invited a random back for drunk sex but I'm guessing your feeling different about it and your allowed.

“ Somebody who is asleep or unconscious cannot give consent.”

“ Your partner has the right to withdraw their consent at any time. Once consent is withdrawn you must stop engaging in sexual activity immediately.”

So yes I think this can be classed as rape.

I'm sorry this happened to you.
Please seek any support you need and when you are feeling stronger try and use this as a gentle reminder to yourself as what can happen when we get drunk and are vulnerable.

You are not alone in making such a judgement. I know when I was younger I did some potentially dangerous stuff aided by a few too many. I really hope you are OK. Be kinder to yourself in the future.

I recall even waking up at one point and he was in me

Sleeping or unconscious people can't consent to sex. How you came to fall asleep or become unconscious is utterly irrelevant.

It is legally rape @lostintime0789 , as you weren't in a position to consent. Sounds like he exploited that for all it was worth, too.

The police are really shit and wouldn't tend to do much about it.

@Tal45

Sounds absolutely awful OP. If you were passing out during sex then I would certainly say you were too drunk to give consent even if you said yes.

I have fallen asleep mid sex with my boyfriend years ago. It was definitely consensual. That is not to say anything about the OP but falling asleep during drunk sex can happen without it being rape.

OP - in you situation the bruises would concern me.

Was he drunk too, or do you think he was preying on you because you were drunk?

You admit you might have told him that you liked rough sex

That comment, in addition to taking a man home when drunk could suggest that you were discussing having sex, and how you wanted it. Being so drunk that you can't remember if you consented or not is a dangerous position to be in. Both for you and for the man.

Granted, unless he was also drunk and therefore not acting as he should have done, he should have backed off when he realised how drunk you were. I don't think you can say definitively either way.

Is it your gut feeling that you were raped? Or is there a nub of realisation that you might have consented?

Legals-wise, the question for the jury would be whether the man genuinely believed the complainant consented, and it was reasonable for him to think so.

There was a doc on channel 4 last night about rape trials. I think it was called Whose on Trial? If you would find it really triggering then don’t watch but it was basically about a similar ish scenario. The prosecution were working to prove that consent couldn’t be obtained due to intoxication so might give some insight into your own situation. But as I said not suggesting you watch it if it would be traumatic.

Having invited him back did you consent to sex?

Hi OP

We're so sorry for what you're going through.

We're going to move your thread out of AIBU as we just don't think it's the right place.

Lots of love,
MNHQ

Could the bruising have happened when you fell over

OP please get a rape kit done at a rape crisis centre. You don’t have to decide if you want to press charges but it preserves the evidence if you decide you do. They can also arrange support.

From your description it is rape. The second question is whether there is a realistic chance of conviction and if you want to peruse that. It’s a different thing. All kinds of things are true that we can’t always prove in court. It still happened and is still not okay.

I’m really sorry this this happened.

When you invited him back to yours did you think at that point you were inviting him back for sex. Also if you were that drunk how do you know he was fairly sober?

@Playingoutinthedark

You might say you didn't say yes, he may say you didn't say no. There will be those who say it's rape, those who say it's not.

Regardless, it's a situation that has left you feeling upset and uncomfortable. And it is valid to feel that way, regardless if it was rape or not.

Completely agree with this. Noone is to know what happened. You could have said yes and been consensual and he took this as enough, but equally you could have been totally out of it and gave no consent at all. It's so hard to know.

Please get help to talk it out and take care

How much of an utter cunt would you have to be to go back to a stranger's home when they're drunk, and (even if they asked for it) have such rough sex that you leave bruises all over their body and neck. It's completely inexcusable. Can you imagine doing that to someone?

If you would be considered too drunk to have capacity to consent to surgery, you're too drunk to consent to sex

Incorrect.

There are very clear criteria which have to be met to deem someone capable of consenting to surgery/other medical procedure.

The bar for capacity to consent to sex is much less clear.

Capacity is not an ‘all or nothing’ phenomenon, it is both task and time specific.

If I got drunk and asked a stranger to punch me in the face, it would still be illegal.