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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

...to think this could've been rape?

222 replies

lostintime0789 · 09/11/2021 13:52

Sat night, I got a little (too!) drunk and the bar I was at, ended up alone as I'd been out with a friend who deserted me!

Long story short, I got chatting to these 2 guys, but one of them in particular was becoming overly friendly, he seemed a nice guy.

Fast-forward around midnight, I was really drunk (even fell over Blush) and he invited me back to his place - I said no to this as I had to be in work Mon morning but he could come back to mine - I invited him... Sad

We had sex, that I can recall, but the whole night is now pretty much a blur...

Mon morning, wakes up absolutely covered in bruises - around my throat, my legs, hips... thing is, I DO like rough sex so I have possibly told him this hence why he'd gotten so rough?? Hmm

SadMy mind has just been a bit all over the place these past few days, thinking surely he should have known I was far too drunk for all this to happen? He was pretty much sober btw

AIBU in thinking this, or was it just 2 people, a drunken night and some rough sex?? Just feeling really confused SadConfusedBlush

OP posts:
billy1966 · 14/11/2021 19:06

Well done OP.

You were drunk and you were not in any state for a largely sober man to presume he was entitled to rough sex with a barely conscious woman.

You tried to say No.

You were absolutely taken advantage of and to be left so bruised is shocking.

It is rape IMO.

I'm glad you are reporting him.

Whether you decide to go ahead is your decision but his name needs to be reported for sure and he needs to know that he has been reported.

I'd like to see him squirm and sweat a bit.

I hope your bruises are healing.

Keep posting.Flowers

uhohspaghettiohh · 14/11/2021 20:45

Well done, OP. I hope you get the right support.

Disgusted at all the victim blaming.

picklemewalnuts · 14/11/2021 20:54

I'm really glad you did! And I'm sorry for all the appalling responses on here.

YankeeDad · 14/11/2021 21:21

Regardless of how you proceed, and no matter what others say, I hope you will remember these two things:

  1. You said "no", even said it more than once, and he continued.
  2. That alone suffices to mean that it was entirely his fault, and not at all your fault, regardless of anything else.
Original poster
lostintime0789 · 15/11/2021 15:55

Thanks guys.
Unfortunately it was a farce! Sad
2 uniformed officers came to my home at around 5pm yesterday, which in turn set off my 6 yo DD, as she thought mummy was in trouble and being arrested and set off my 14 yo DS's anxiety Sad

Long story short, they wanted to 'body-cam' my bedroom and treat the house like a crime scene to which I told them was impossible as we had nowhere to go! So they took the bed sheets and said they were going to do a DNA kit, however one of the officers went to 3 different stations whilst the other stayed with me, and not one kit available in any HmmSad
They offered me a physical examination, as they said I was still within their evidence window of exactly a week, but it would be in Manchester that evening! Miles away, and again, noone to watch the kids! Confused

The officers were lovely, incredibly warm & non-judgemental, but it just shows how frustrating things have gotten due to the government cuts etc.

Anywho, I was told I would receive a call from a division called Unity today but still waiting Hmm

I hope their next stage is checking the CCTV - as the weeks go on, the more angry I become Angry

I will damn right educate my sons to the best of my ability on how to treat women and respect boundaries.

Does anybody know where I can help others in similar situations?

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 15/11/2021 17:39

I would ask on the feminism boards. They have extensive knowledge of the support systems in place, and who can be trusted to provide meaningful help.

I'm so sorry your experience with the police has been so poor. Thanks

Queenie6655 · 15/11/2021 17:48

You poor thing op

I'm so sad reading this

Are there any counsellors or helplines to contact

This man is awful

Just awful

Sadly the CPs may well not take it forward
Just speaking from recent experience here

So sorry you are going through this 😢😢

billy1966 · 15/11/2021 17:54

I am so disappointed to read this.

How awfully disappointing for you, having been so brave to call the police.

Flowers
ree348 · 15/11/2021 18:10

Well done OP for reporting this and sorry it was such a farce. It sadly makes sense now why a lot of women don't bother reporting.

If you're not in a position to consent to sex then it is not consensual. You can lie there naked and change your mind mid way if you wanted too. Men still can't put themselves on you!

Men need to learn these boundaries and we need to raise our sons better.

I hope you get the outcome you want and I hope you sharing this story at the very least teaches us to educate our sons better in these matters.

Original poster
lostintime0789 · 16/11/2021 11:33

Hi Guys,
Feeling a little stronger today though after speaking with yet another officer last night, I'm not that hopeful :(
He was quite evasive and the first question he asked me was did I wish to progress with my 'complaint'?! Which angered me slightly, as I find it to be on a much larger scale than a 'complaint'! I asked if they were going to be following up on the CCTV to which his replies were pretty non-committal :(
I'm not naive, and I said this to him, I know this is most likely to be dropped, as it will probably end up a case of he-said/she-said, and to a great extent, is my own fault for not going to get physically checked straight away and not reporting straight away, but I couldn't just let this lie.

If all of this has taught me anything, it is to reinforce to both my DS's the importance of respect and boundaries towards women; I will now strive to make sure both my boys never, ever cross this line when they are older.

This thread, and the continues replies from you guys, has really kept me strong this week, thank you :) xxx

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/11/2021 12:46

@lostintime0789

Really hope that the cops up their game a bit...

A very similar thing happened when I was 18. The bloke (a boyfriend's 'friend') admitted that he'd spiked my drink. No doubt in my head it was rape. No way would I or could 9 have consented. I remember so little of it, and it was a summer afternoon....

billy1966 · 16/11/2021 17:19

OP,

I'm so sorry that you are getting such a lukewarm response.

Have you thought of asking for whoever is in charge in that police station to confirm in writing that they are not interested in pursuing this and checking the CCTV.

I think you can insist on making a complaint.

Whether they go ahead is not something you can control, but at least he will be informed that a complaint has been made against him and he will be on their radar.

Scum like him never do this only once.

Flowers
Queenie6655 · 16/11/2021 18:54

@lostintime0789

Hi Guys, Feeling a little stronger today though after speaking with yet another officer last night, I'm not that hopeful :( He was quite evasive and the first question he asked me was did I wish to progress with my 'complaint'?! Which angered me slightly, as I find it to be on a much larger scale than a 'complaint'! I asked if they were going to be following up on the CCTV to which his replies were pretty non-committal :( I'm not naive, and I said this to him, I know this is most likely to be dropped, as it will probably end up a case of he-said/she-said, and to a great extent, is my own fault for not going to get physically checked straight away and not reporting straight away, but I couldn't just let this lie.

If all of this has taught me anything, it is to reinforce to both my DS's the importance of respect and boundaries towards women; I will now strive to make sure both my boys never, ever cross this line when they are older.

This thread, and the continues replies from you guys, has really kept me strong this week, thank you :) xxx

So so true OP

How dare they be so blasé I am really sorry
Many of us have been through the same

Is there any one else to speak to or can you arrange some counselling

Horrific thing to go through
Hope the bastard rots in hell 🤬🤬

Original poster
lostintime0789 · 22/11/2021 20:01

Hey guys, hope everyone is doing well?

Possibly better than me HmmSad

I was told the investigation had begun early last week, was asked if I could attend an interview with the detective in charge this week - due to me saying I couldn't make a particular date (due to lack of childcare), they told me last wk they'd get straight back to me..... still nothing SadSadSad

What an absolute joke SadSadAngrySadSad

OP posts:
category12 · 22/11/2021 20:06

Sorry OP Flowers

Eyesofdisarray · 22/11/2021 20:34

Good luck OP, and take care
Some of the responses on here were very harsh

Original poster
lostintime0789 · 22/11/2021 20:45

What IS the point in us reporting these things?!? Seriously SadSadAngrySad

OP posts:
cosmicbabe · 22/11/2021 20:58

Having read through this post in full. I can't see anywhere where you mention what happened on the Sunday when you woke up? Had he already left or was there dialogue between you before he left?

category12 · 22/11/2021 21:03

You've read all 8 pages of the thread and that's what you want to talk about? Hmm

Queenie6655 · 22/11/2021 21:06

No it is ridiculous

Honestly it can be soul destroying

Go ahead and persevere

I know my fcker will walk free but just hearing earlier from the met that the scummy man had to attend the station and answer many questions about what he did made me feel a small bit better

The system is fcked
It works in the favour of men

Original poster
lostintime0789 · 22/11/2021 22:13

@cosmicbabe

Having read through this post in full. I can't see anywhere where you mention what happened on the Sunday when you woke up? Had he already left or was there dialogue between you before he left?
What would you like to know??! Hmm No, there was no dialogue as I was pretty much unconscious ... when I woke, he was gone HmmSad
OP posts:
Original poster
lostintime0789 · 22/11/2021 22:15

@Queenie6655

No it is ridiculous

Honestly it can be soul destroying

Go ahead and persevere

I know my fcker will walk free but just hearing earlier from the met that the scummy man had to attend the station and answer many questions about what he did made me feel a small bit better

The system is fcked
It works in the favour of men

I'm so sorry Sad but yes, even this would make me feel better, in a way, I guess HmmSadConfused
OP posts:
billy1966 · 22/11/2021 22:52

@Queenie6655

No it is ridiculous

Honestly it can be soul destroying

Go ahead and persevere

I know my fcker will walk free but just hearing earlier from the met that the scummy man had to attend the station and answer many questions about what he did made me feel a small bit better

The system is fcked
It works in the favour of men

It is indeed stacked against women but yes knowing that he is now firmluy on their radar and will not have found that a pleasant experience. Flowers
Queenie6655 · 22/11/2021 23:04

You poor thing

There is so little support available

This site was a total god send I have to say

But the shame and the fear led me to silence

Stay strong
It may get more shit but you are TOTALLY doing the right thing

Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss · 22/11/2021 23:13

I agree with a previous poster that being called in for questioning about a rape would be very sobering and would also hopefully make this man realise what he did was wrong and change his behaviour.

No victim is ever responsible for a man’s future behaviour. But even if nothing else comes of it, you have done something good here. I hope that gives you some closure and comfort.

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