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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

...to think this could've been rape?

222 replies

lostintime0789 · 09/11/2021 13:52

Sat night, I got a little (too!) drunk and the bar I was at, ended up alone as I'd been out with a friend who deserted me!

Long story short, I got chatting to these 2 guys, but one of them in particular was becoming overly friendly, he seemed a nice guy.

Fast-forward around midnight, I was really drunk (even fell over Blush) and he invited me back to his place - I said no to this as I had to be in work Mon morning but he could come back to mine - I invited him... Sad

We had sex, that I can recall, but the whole night is now pretty much a blur...

Mon morning, wakes up absolutely covered in bruises - around my throat, my legs, hips... thing is, I DO like rough sex so I have possibly told him this hence why he'd gotten so rough?? Hmm

SadMy mind has just been a bit all over the place these past few days, thinking surely he should have known I was far too drunk for all this to happen? He was pretty much sober btw

AIBU in thinking this, or was it just 2 people, a drunken night and some rough sex?? Just feeling really confused SadConfusedBlush

OP posts:
thecatsinthecradle · 09/11/2021 14:32

@lostintime0789

I'm ok, don't get me well, more so just angry I got so drunk and brought him back. Honestly, no, I didn't want to sleep with him particularly, I recall even waking up at one point and he was in me SadSad

I'm worrying he may have spiked me now.

Taken the morning after pill, going to wait a few weeks to have a full STI check

Yip. This is rape.
IslaPineappple · 09/11/2021 14:33

Sounds like you should have gone home alone, he should have realised if you were that drunk.

Hope you're okay

HotPeppasauce2 · 09/11/2021 14:33

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Playingoutinthedark · 09/11/2021 14:35

You might say you didn't say yes, he may say you didn't say no. There will be those who say it's rape, those who say it's not.

Regardless, it's a situation that has left you feeling upset and uncomfortable. And it is valid to feel that way, regardless if it was rape or not.

Anonymous48 · 09/11/2021 14:37

@TurnUpTurnip

It’s a very risky situation inviting a stranger home when drunk, as pretty much every single man would think he was getting sex. I don’t think many would think they were going back for a kiss and a cuddle.
I totally agree with you. I don't think there is anyone who after a drunken night of flirting wouldn't think that being invited back to their place meant sex.

But of course, anyone is free to change their mind at any time, and he (especially if he was sober) should absolutely not have agreed to go back with the OP if he realized how drunk she was.

Greenrubber · 09/11/2021 14:41

It is actually classed as rape as you were to intoxicated to properly consent to sex
Even if he was also burst it would still fall in him

But you do remember consenting to sex and admit you like it rough so probably told him to do whatever he did

Personally in future I would try to avoid getting myself into a situation like this

hotmeatymilk · 09/11/2021 14:43

Why did you invite him back to yours if you didn’t want to sleep with him? Before anyone jumps on me I’m not victim blaming
Yes, you are. HTH

It was rape, OP, and I’m sorry.

Greenrubber · 09/11/2021 14:44

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Greenrubber · 09/11/2021 14:45

Also how do you know he was sober?

billy1966 · 09/11/2021 14:46

Sounds like you were taken advantage of to me.

What makes you think your drink was spiked.

A sober man having sex with a very drunk woman is scum.

PinkiOcelot · 09/11/2021 14:48

What happened to Sunday? You went out Saturday and woke up Monday with bruises etc?

I’m sorry this happened to you OP. I don’t think, and I don’t know the law obviously, but I don’t think this would stand up in court.

I agree with PP who say speak to someone, to try and process what happened in your head x

Miracle29 · 09/11/2021 14:49

Anyone who asks you to go back to theirs or even agrees to come back to yours whilst your so drunk gives red flags. He could have just walked you home knowing you were so drunk rather than going into your home. I don't really know what to suggest but if your too drunk to consent then that would be rape but if your unsure you could always speak to someone about it such as a rape crisis team but in the meantime please please don't invite anyone back to your home you don't know

LobsterNapkin · 09/11/2021 14:55

@Greenrubber

It is actually classed as rape as you were to intoxicated to properly consent to sex Even if he was also burst it would still fall in him

But you do remember consenting to sex and admit you like it rough so probably told him to do whatever he did

Personally in future I would try to avoid getting myself into a situation like this

There isn't a very clear line at all as to what amounts to "too drunk to consent".

It's a dangerous situation in any case, as you say, and one where there is little chance anything could be done if something went wrong.

LobsterNapkin · 09/11/2021 14:56

@PinkiOcelot

What happened to Sunday? You went out Saturday and woke up Monday with bruises etc?

I’m sorry this happened to you OP. I don’t think, and I don’t know the law obviously, but I don’t think this would stand up in court.

I agree with PP who say speak to someone, to try and process what happened in your head x

I took it to mean the bruising didn't show up until then.
CoastalWave · 09/11/2021 14:57

Sounds like you were both drunk. If you WERE drunk there's no way you would now who was drunk and who was sober. Maybe he handles his drink better. You clearly gave him the impression he was in there (so to speak), you invited him and you consented.

We've ALL done it. And we've all thought WTF was I doing afterwards.

As a Mum of a girl and a boy, I worry how they're both going to navigate the 20's honestly. Do I get my son to get some sort of signed waiver?

I am sorry you feel bad about what happened. Something very similar happened with me on a night out and it's the reason I stopped drinking. It's very difficult to keep yourself safe on a night out if you're that drunk you can't make sensible decisions. Might be worth getting some counselling and thank your lucky stars nothing absolutely awful happened.

moofolk · 09/11/2021 15:01

So sorry this has happened to you.

Even from the thread title it sounded like rape to me. If you have to ask, then it's unlikely to be ok.

You were too drunk to consent and he took advantage of that. A generation ago we would have called it just that; 'taking advantage', but that is euphemistic.

Nobody decent wants to have sex wit someone who is incapable / unconscious. That's a power play, and always rape.

I know from experience that it is tempting to write off assault as taking advantage / misunderstanding / mistake / etc, because the R word is so big and feels victim-y.

But he is a rapist.

This doesn't mean that police would be able to do anything, or that there will be any justice, as the system is stacked against women. I'd be tempted to report anyway, but defo understand if you wouldn't want to.

Nellesbelles · 09/11/2021 15:06

Please don't listen to the people who are insinuating just because you invited him back you should somehow accept his behaviour in a "she was asking for it" attitude. It's an archaic view of consent and damaging to people's view of what is acceptable behaviour.
Any man or woman who goes back to a person's house after a drunken flirtatious night may indeed be expecting sex, however that doesn't give them to right to act on this no matter the circumstance. As the OP said, the man was not particularly drunk so presumably 1. He has an idea how drunk the OP was and 2. He would have noticed when she was slipping out of consciousness during sex. Both of those things should have told him maybe sex wasn't the best idea. He should have got her into bed, got her a glass of water and left.

TeachesOfPeaches · 09/11/2021 15:08

I knew of a guy years ago who lived near a town centre and would wait until 2am or 3am and look for drunk women who were alone and invite them back to his so they could rest or call a taxi etc. He would have sex with them, he was totally sober.

Said it was a waste of money going out and buying women drinks when you could just pick them up at the end.

Member984815 · 09/11/2021 15:14

You were drink therefore could not consent , it's rape

HarrietsChariot · 09/11/2021 15:18

It's not necessarily enough for a conviction if the OP was drunk.
The law is
(1) A person (A) commits an offence if—

(a) he intentionally penetrates the vagina, anus or mouth of another person (B) with his penis,
(b) B does not consent to the penetration, and
(c) A does not reasonably believe that B consents.

Therefore point c) could apply if the OP verbally agreed, was awake and told him what sort of sex she enjoyed.

Still makes him a cunt of course.

Sleeplessem · 09/11/2021 15:19

Op, you said it in your OP you were too drunk and you fell over. If you are too drunk to walk, you’re too drunk to consent. That there and then is rape. You invited him back because you were smashed, if he was a decent guy, he’d have walked you home, gave you a glass of water and left.

The fact then that in your later post you woke up and he was inside you, confirms that it is definitely unequivocally rape.

I’m so sorry you went through that Flowers

GoGoGretaDoll · 09/11/2021 15:24

'For consent to be valid, it must be voluntary and informed, and the person consenting must have the capacity to make the decision.'

That's from the NHS website, by the way, but I think it's such a good definition. If you would be considered too drunk to have capacity to consent to surgery, you're too drunk to consent to sex.

Unfortunately this is quite a new/difficult concept for people to get their heads round so you will always have people disagreeing that what happened to you was rape.

It was rape.

You did not have capacity to consent.

You woke up with him inside you.

You did not have capacity to consent.

Even more unfortunately, you can't prove that to be the case so I don't recommend you report this. Others may disagree with that, but I don't have any confidence that the police can handle rape reports at all well.

Phone your local rape crisis centre. They will believe you. They will help you.

Flowers
bellabasset · 09/11/2021 15:29

I think you've realised that you put yourself in a very vulnerable position by getting drunk and inviting a stranger back home. You admit you might have told him that you liked rough sex. This has been sufficient grounds for a man to successfully appeal a rape conviction.

Years ago I knew a waitress who came home drunk without her keys and ended up going into a neighbour's flat. She woke up finding him having sex with her and he wouldn't let her go until she'd showered. The police said it was rape but the private investigation into her lifestyle and the proposed defence of the defendant made her withdraw. The police were sorry she did but understood her reasons. She hadn't been hurt physically but she'd had no control over him and realised that she could have been physically harmed. She was in her mid 20's and he was a pensioner

GoGoGretaDoll · 09/11/2021 15:32

@bellabasset how is that a helpful post?

lemmein · 09/11/2021 15:32

I'd say it was most definitely rape SadI'm so sorry this has happened to you.

As you can see from some of the replies on this thread though we're a long way from holding men responsible for their actions so if I was you I wouldn't want to put myself through any legal process, absolutely pointless unfortunately, rape it pretty much legal in this country. If you invite someone to your house they can literally take whatever they want, according to some - women really need to accept that 'unladylike' behaviour will be punished without recourse. I'm not sure what qualifies as unladylike behaviour, I gather from the rape apologists posts the list is lengthy - unfortunately we need to be raped before we are privy to what constitutes it or not.

I really do think you should talk it through with someone though, and get checked over (MAP, STIs) This wasn't your fault, you can't consent if you're falling over drunk. Women manage to walk past drunk people every single day without assaulting them - unfortunately for some men, this is just impossible apparently Thanks