I thought I was the love of his life and now he is barely speaking to me after this?

[Oassthesalt]

Dating almost a year. I’m pretty upfront and the day we met I was clear I wanted to settle down with kids marriage etc. He said he felt exactly the same and had been looking for that his whole life (he’s 39). Our relationship went well, absolutely loved being with him and he said he loved me too, could see us going the distance. All great.

I’ve recently been suggesting we think about moving in in the new year. One of us move to the other’s. He’s vaguely said at some point but there’s no definite time frame. As the weeks have passed this has started to wind me up - we spend a lot of time together and it’s usually me going back and forth rather than him, because i have total flexible working so it’s simple for me to do it. I don’t mind this but the idea that he seems fine for it to be an ongoing thing indefinitely has started to upset me. I’m late 30s so also want to know if this is going anywhere, not just in words but I’m actions.

It’s caused a lot of tension as I can’t understand why he would put it off or not even come up with a timeframe if I’m the love of his life he claims I am?

We had a big row about this on Friday, where I got very upset and said do you even want a future with me with kids and marriage etc. He said he DID want that but my recent comments about moving in and now this argument had ‘seriously made him question the relationship.’

I said that he’d pushed me to that point by being vague about moving forwards yet telling me he loved me and wanted me. I said it was confusing and unfair on me.

He’s since been really distant with me and barely spoken. When I ask what’s wrong he just says he doesn’t know and all this is too much and I’ve become too intense.

Have i just broken us? I can be quite an intense person, when I snapped on Friday I was SO upset and said I didn’t want to be with an immature person and if he couldn’t get a grip and put actions to his words then I wish I hadn’t even bothered with the last year and a half. He has reason to be distant now doesn’t he?

I also think I can maybe be too enthusiastic if I want something to work and can be excitable about things like the idea of moving in…but im also quiet and reflective too. I worry that I’ve made a huge mess here and im so confused with his reaction. He’s told me over and over in the last 18 months that he’s looked all his life for his companion and he’s so happy he met me and felt so lucky. My head is all over the place.

He doesn't want what you want. If he did it wouldn't have been this slow to happen.

You said you're already in your late 30's. If marriage and children is of upmost importance to you, you need to end this relationship and move on to someone who wants the same things as you do. Time is of the essence here.

This guy doesn't want to commit to you, if he did he'd be moving in with you, or at least making solid plans to.

Don't blame yourself for this current situation by saying that you are intense etc, you are who you are and the right person will love you intensity and all.

Good luck!

Oh lovely. I'm so sorry. It's crap. Do you have friends you can and have a hug with? I think you need a hug and a cry on someone's shoulder

A lot of similar threads at the moment, I'm not sure if some posters have NC and tweaked the stories somewhat....

The issue with advice 'move on to someone else' is as much as a gamble of remaining in this current relationship. There's absolutely no guarantee that the next person won't be another 'future faker' time waster. You could just end up bouncing/rebounding from one guy to the next achieving nothing substantial.

Take stock. Get some fertility checks done. If you remain in this situation, you do run the risk of possibly missing out on having children/ needing reproductive assistance/not having children at all. Right now you do not know what your reproductive clinical picture is. Make a decision based on your fertility checks results. Be informed. Don't allow another person to control your fertility to such a degree. You may end up regretting it rather than assuming you'll get your happily ever after
Never assume anything when it comes to fertility.

I guess he voluntarily said things like this sometimes. It wasn’t always in response to me, if that makes sense. If I questioned anything he would always say well of course he’s serious about this, that’s why he was single so long. He’s not a manipulative man at all and I do think he felt he wanted that with me but doesn’t know how to get to that point. The best way I can describe it is that he just seems incapable and totally overwhelmed by any idea of having a shared life.

@Oassthesalt So... no, he hasn't actually done anything to demonstrate that he does really want to marry you and have your babies? He hasn't committed to you in any real way? He hasn't encouraged your lives to become joined in anyway - no meeting friends, meeting families, setting timescales for things to happen, holidays together? He's just said stuff.

I don't think he's incapable or overwhelmed (although if he is, you should run a mile from him). I think he's just willing to string women along. Given that he's spent a year and a half telling you things that in no way match his actions, I'm confused as to why you wouldn't describe him as manipulative.

I'm aware this all probably sounds very harsh but I hope you can see that the problem here is not you. It's him.

@BackBackBack
No I understood the point of why you told the story as a warning of why you shouldn't let things drag on, but you started by saying that you knew someone that this had happened to, so you were saying they were both the same!

@BackBackBack
I clicked submit too soon.
That's awful what happened to your friend and traumatic and extremely deceptive, it's potentially life ruining!

But someone not ready to commit 18 months in shouldn't be tarred with the same brush because it is simply nowhere near the same!

Why on earth are you still tying yourself in knots over this. I know it’s painful but there is no mystery that these endless threads will solve.. it’s his shit not yours. He’s allowed to not want to move in after a year, he’s allowed to not want kids yet. You make a decision on what YOU want. Stop giving your life to this man that is likely hiding a load of stuff from you or just wants to coast along. All this worry over him is more time slipping out of the door. Break ups are bloody painful but a relationship with a compartmentalised is much worse. Good luck

@Oassthesalt I hope you are alright. Try and get some sleep tonight.Put on a movie or something to take your mind of things.

[quote user1481840227]@BackBackBack
I clicked submit too soon.
That's awful what happened to your friend and traumatic and extremely deceptive, it's potentially life ruining!

But someone not ready to commit 18 months in shouldn't be tarred with the same brush because it is simply nowhere near the same![/quote]
I didn't say they were both the same. Stop putting words in my mouth, and stop derailing the OP's thread because you refuse to let something go. It's not helpful to her. I'm not going to respond any further.

I honestly don’t know what he means about wanting things my way. From what film we watch to what time we eat dinner to when we can move in or progress things, it’s all been on his terms so far.

Why do you want to continue a relationship with a man who has to have things all his own way?

At first the reasons seemed plausible, he was worried about family stuff (so I left him to it), he was stressed at work (so I backed off), he didn’t want to go on holiday as he wanted to focus on work (I respected that), he couldn’t meet my family yet as he had to get the washing machine fixed or he wanted to go swimming and he hadn’t had time that week (so I didn’t want to control his weekend). Before I knew it months had passed and literally none of the the usual things a relationship would have were in action. It’s just tearing me apart because I do love him. I really do. I was SO excited about life with him. He told me so often that he felt the same.

You accepted him having it all his own way for a year. You've done yourself a favour, realising it now. This man is not right for you.

Given that he's spent a year and a half telling you things that in no way match his actions, I'm confused as to why you wouldn't describe him as manipulative.

Yup.

You walked away OP - keep walking.

@Glassofshloer

He wanted "the girlfriend experience". Not a real life girlfriend and relationship. Super common in men I know of that age.

So right. They want the sofa cuddles, back rubs, meals made, regular sex thing, and to stretch it on as long as they can by making women feel ‘psycho’ for asking about future plans, commitment etc

Unfortunately I think this is spot on.

From a different angle, one of your posts made me think of my STBXH, not because he future faked me, but because I've spent years trying to keep life stress free for him and making excuses for the way he behaves when stressed. The way you try to smooth life over for him and the always doing or seeing what he wants are red flags. It's gets way way worse when you have kids with a man like this.

“The issue with advice 'move on to someone else' is as much as a gamble of remaining in this current relationship”

Well no, because she knows this guy is never going to commit (he cancelled meeting your family for the first time to go for a swim??). At least there is a 50/50 chance the next bloke will be a keeper.

OP I would look for someone who has been in at least one serious LTR in the past. At least then you know they are capable of it.

[quote Oassthesalt]@Ilovechocolatecoins at 39, saying he does want all that, why would he want to drag his feet? I’m just don’t get it. Surely HE doesn’t want to be a dad with a baby in his mid forties, in an ideal world? Why postpone moving forwards at all if he wants those things?[/quote]
He SAID he wanted all that. But he obviously didn't mean it. He just wanted to keep you happy by saying that. My guess is that , as you say, he doesn't want to be a Dad in his 40's. He doesn't want to be a Dad at all.

You've made the mistake of believing what he was saying. Move on and find someone who actually does want the same things as you.

-End it with Mr Faker

-Get a fertility check and look into freezing your eggs ASAP.

-If you still want to meet someone, get back on the dating scene, meet and mingle. Make no apologies for wanting to settle down quickly and have a family. This experience will hone in your bullshit radar.

Don’t waste anymore time on someone who clearly has wasted yours.

This sounds like the same exact details as the OP whose boyfriend would not have full sex with her. If this is you please stop wasting your time thinking about and trying to figure this guy out. Move on from him.

You are in two different places and both of you need to understand that. He might really want those things but they are still an abstract want - looking at others children and dreaming of his own. He isnt ready for that to become a reality and all the risks and effort that it entails. You on the other hand want those things as an actuality - have planned and considered your relationship and how that needs to move forward in order to achieve these needs as a reality. You are ready to get going. This is the conversation you need to have with him. Telling him he’s said you are the love of his life and that he wanted this explains why you felt he would be in a similar place but ultimately those things may be true for him but the timescales aren’t going to work. I hate ultimatums and think they are a bad way to progress an issue but when it comes to kids, women are on a deadline which can mean you have no choice but to issue an ultimatum if they are most important to you.

This

Just because he says the things he knows you want to hear, doesn’t mean you’re on the same page. Words are cheap.

I think there’s a huge difference for some people about the idea of having a family and the reality of actually moving forward with things. He’s too happy with the status quo to gamble his freedom.

Lots of good advice on this thread.

As I said on the other similar thread, do not settle for an engagement if he comes back and tries to smooth things over. That’s just buying himself a few more years of reasons not to move forward with having kids.

I think the fact he hasn’t been in touch says it all really.

I dont ever think it is a good idea one of you move in the others place.you need to buy/ rent a new place together.it is a new start and equal for both.do you expect him to move in your place?I think you both need to calm down and have a good conversation with each other and really listen.sometimes these arguments happen because neither of you is really listening.everyone has a right to express anxieties without the other one "hitting the roof".good luck for both of you.