I thought I was the love of his life and now he is barely speaking to me after this?

[Oassthesalt]

Dating almost a year. I’m pretty upfront and the day we met I was clear I wanted to settle down with kids marriage etc. He said he felt exactly the same and had been looking for that his whole life (he’s 39). Our relationship went well, absolutely loved being with him and he said he loved me too, could see us going the distance. All great.

I’ve recently been suggesting we think about moving in in the new year. One of us move to the other’s. He’s vaguely said at some point but there’s no definite time frame. As the weeks have passed this has started to wind me up - we spend a lot of time together and it’s usually me going back and forth rather than him, because i have total flexible working so it’s simple for me to do it. I don’t mind this but the idea that he seems fine for it to be an ongoing thing indefinitely has started to upset me. I’m late 30s so also want to know if this is going anywhere, not just in words but I’m actions.

It’s caused a lot of tension as I can’t understand why he would put it off or not even come up with a timeframe if I’m the love of his life he claims I am?

We had a big row about this on Friday, where I got very upset and said do you even want a future with me with kids and marriage etc. He said he DID want that but my recent comments about moving in and now this argument had ‘seriously made him question the relationship.’

I said that he’d pushed me to that point by being vague about moving forwards yet telling me he loved me and wanted me. I said it was confusing and unfair on me.

He’s since been really distant with me and barely spoken. When I ask what’s wrong he just says he doesn’t know and all this is too much and I’ve become too intense.

Have i just broken us? I can be quite an intense person, when I snapped on Friday I was SO upset and said I didn’t want to be with an immature person and if he couldn’t get a grip and put actions to his words then I wish I hadn’t even bothered with the last year and a half. He has reason to be distant now doesn’t he?

I also think I can maybe be too enthusiastic if I want something to work and can be excitable about things like the idea of moving in…but im also quiet and reflective too. I worry that I’ve made a huge mess here and im so confused with his reaction. He’s told me over and over in the last 18 months that he’s looked all his life for his companion and he’s so happy he met me and felt so lucky. My head is all over the place.

@madisonbridges

I disagree with people saying he's stringing you along. I mean, he might be but it's impossible to judge that from the info you've given. You've been going out for 18mths at a very strange time. He says he wants marriage and kids like you do but his time frame may not be the same and he doesn't want to move as fast as you. That doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or doesn't want to marry you in the future, it's just something he's not ready for yet. If a poster wrote that their boyfriend was nagging them to move in and get married before the poster was ready, responses on here would be that they were massive red flags. But somehow when it's the other way round, it's all blamed on the man. I guess what I'm saying is that if you were in your 20s, you'd be happily waiting not concerned but time pressures are making you anxious. That really can't be his problem as he has to make decisions that are right for him. I guess this is a crossroads where the decision to carry on or break is up to you.

Because a woman in their late 30s doesn’t have the luxury of time like a man does ( if they want a family) it’s completely different scenario for a man. Unless he’s completely unaware of the biological clock but I doubt that

@JudgementalCactus Oh for FFS. So we’re not allowed to do put forward alternative viewpoints? We all have to say man evil, woman good, and saying otherwise is offensive?

You are also now making up words that I never said.

we spend a lot of time together and it’s usually me going back and forth rather than him, because i have total flexible working so it’s simple for me to do it

This was your early warning OP, he was happy for you to do all the running about for his convenience, you were slotting into his life in a way that suited him with no thought about how it impacted on you. You have laid your cards on the table and he has dithered and is trying to blame you for him dragging his heels. You need to have a think if his actions have ever matched his words. I think you should cool off, takecsome time to yourself and see if he contacts you or drives to you from now on, that will tell you everything.

@Clymene
"Frankly any man who is unaware that women's biological clock has a finite time span isn't mature enough to live on his own, no matter about being in a relationship."

But if he's not ready for the move, what's the point in him agreeing to it? He's going to feel pressured and resentful before they've even started living together so it's not going to last. The op's biological clock is driving the move rather than their brains. Totally understandable for her but not something he's going to feel the same about.
Let's say he was renting a house and his lease was up and he had to move. He wants to move into ops house but she wasn't sure. He really thought they were ready for it. Would you be going, his lease is up, accommodate him. Or would you be going, wait til you feel it's right. I understand the op wants children but it's got to be right for both and if he's not 100% sure, her biological clock shouldn't make him. It doesn't automatically mean he doesn't want a future with her, it means that 18mths in a pandemic is too short a time for him.

Well, throwing in someone’s face that you can see why they’ve been single so long is abusive IMO.

It could in fact be why he asked her to go. Maybe he was stalling and unsure. But maybe they could have talked it through if the OP hadn’t resorted to personal insults.

He could’ve given some sort of timescale then op could make an informed decision

Sorry to say, but having read all of your posts OP, it sounds like he has been stringing you along. He’s been telling you all of the things you want to hear and now that you’ve suggested (quite reasonably) moving forward, he’s “overwhelmed & confused”, which I’m afraid is code for I don’t want to live with you and have babies. How dare you push this. It will be heartbreaking for you to end the relationship because you love him, but if you really want to settle down and have a family, you need to move on now!

[quote madisonbridges]@Clymene
"Frankly any man who is unaware that women's biological clock has a finite time span isn't mature enough to live on his own, no matter about being in a relationship."

But if he's not ready for the move, what's the point in him agreeing to it? He's going to feel pressured and resentful before they've even started living together so it's not going to last. The op's biological clock is driving the move rather than their brains. Totally understandable for her but not something he's going to feel the same about.
Let's say he was renting a house and his lease was up and he had to move. He wants to move into ops house but she wasn't sure. He really thought they were ready for it. Would you be going, his lease is up, accommodate him. Or would you be going, wait til you feel it's right. I understand the op wants children but it's got to be right for both and if he's not 100% sure, her biological clock shouldn't make him. It doesn't automatically mean he doesn't want a future with her, it means that 18mths in a pandemic is too short a time for him.[/quote]
And he could have sat and explained this all to the OP (if it's what he's thinking), like you have, instead of getting pissed off and telling her to leave.

She isn't angry because he doesn't want the same things she does on the same timeline. In fact, she has no idea what he wants - because in 18 months he hasn't told her. Telling a 37 year old woman at the start that you wants marriage and kids - then 18 months later, having no plan to progress things or have a conversation on next steps IS selfish and inconsiderate. He has a voice, maybe he should use it to explain what/when he wants and how the OP fits into his plans?

You've done nothing wrong.

He's a selfish shitbag who made you think you were both moving at the same pace but in fact he had no intention of settling down and having a family.

It's hard, but you know now. Stop wasting your time with him. Dump him, and move on.

What @todaysdilemma said @madisonbridges. It's selfish and childish behaviour.

Sorry you are going through this OP. Unfortunately I believe actions speak louder than words. I admire you for being direct and stating what you want. I disagree with others, at this stage of life, after 18 months you know if you want to be with someone. It's not like at 18 years old when you have time on your side so it doesn't really matter if you go out with someone for years. Did you say he had never had a long term relationship before? If so, I wonder why? .
It will hurt like crazy but don't chase after him.
Also agree that you seem to be doing all the running to him in the relationship. If he is committed, let him do the running. Keep yourself busy, meet up with good friends. You are right not to waste more time on him if he will not commit.

@Rummikub

He could’ve given some sort of timescale then op could make an informed decision

How can you give a timescale when you're talking about feelings?

@todaysdilemma. I couldn't put dates on when I'd be ready for something relationship orientated. You can't progress until you feel it. Which doesn't mean you don't love someone, but moving in when the op has already stated her biological clock is ticking, would inevitably make him think children in the next few months. That's a lot to take on. And the older you get, the more cautious you become.

Something like under 3 years or nearer 10?

I’m not one for making plans. But in this situation there did need to be some sort of planning or discussion

I feel he has treated you really badly. If he wants to continue with the relationship, he needs to show some sort of commitment. Don't let it go back to the way it was. You were honest with him but he hasn't been honest with you. He was fine with you turning up now and again but has panicked when faced with having to commit more. If so, it's better to find out now.
Also, making excuses not to meet your family, there have been plenty of times in the last year inbetween lockdown, in a beer garden, park etc. Looks like the signs were there unfortunately. [

Nothing wrong with your views on the relationship (nor his, really.) But it sounds as if you expressed it badly, in the sense that you said hurtful and unpleasant things which weren't really part of expressing what you want/need. You could apologise for the way you spoke, whilst emphasising that your central point remains firm.

@Rummikub are you saying the OP has to wait another 3 years before she knows where she stands with him, at which point she will be 40?? Sorry but what a lot of cr@Budapestdreams

Another vote for him stringing you along

No not at all. I think the conversation should’ve happened both ways i
And he should’ve been honest with her.

(Scrap that... I missed that you had apologised. Sorry.)

[quote TheresAStarmanWaitingInTheSky]@Rummikub are you saying the OP has to wait another 3 years before she knows where she stands with him, at which point she will be 40?? Sorry but what a lot of cr@Budapestdreams[/quote]
In response to this

@madisonbridges But that is his problem, not the OPs. He shouldn't be dating a 37 year old woman who wants kids if he's someone who needs 2 years to even TALK about moving in together. He should be dating a 30 year old who has the same timeline he does. And he certainly should be prepared to tell OP, he isn't ready, doesn't know when he will be ready and has no idea really what/when he wants things. Getting angry at her for wanting answers is daft - complete lack of empathy here. Loving her would mean understanding where she's coming from, and discussing his fears or concerns and finding a compromise. Not leaving her to turn to MN to decipher what he may want.

Plenty of people, 18 months in, are ready to move in together. Some people figure things out quickly, others take decades. If he's someone who takes so long to figure out what he wants, he needs to find the sort of woman who would be ok with that.

Don't know where Budapestdreams came from.

Meant to say what a lot of rubbish . The OP is not going to sit around for years waiting on him to decide if he wants to commit.

@1forAll74

You seem to be the needy and pushy one here, some men don't wan't to be organised and make plans, just because a woman does. You said that you talked about what you wanted, when you first met a year ago, which sounds odd and all too rushed to me.

I agree. There’s difference between being upfront and honest and downright pushy. I think you veered more towards the pushy side.

Sounds like you both want different things at this point in your lives.

You were right though - this is exactly why he hasn’t settled down with anyone. If he wanted to, he would have done.

DH has a friend like this - three broken-off engagements since he was 30, due to him refusing to set a date. One of those was an eight year relationship. Multiple shorter LTRs. Each time the subsequent girlfriend gets younger (well she doesn’t, he always shacks up with girls in their late 20s, but he is now late 40s so the gap keeps getting bigger). They dump him a couple of years later when it becomes clear he won’t commit. Baffles him that they keep “moving the goalposts” by wanting kids, marriage etc.

He’s a time waster, and you had him bang to rights today which is why he’s reacted so badly. Dump and move on (and consider freezing your eggs if you can).