I thought I was the love of his life and now he is barely speaking to me after this?

[Oassthesalt]

Dating almost a year. I’m pretty upfront and the day we met I was clear I wanted to settle down with kids marriage etc. He said he felt exactly the same and had been looking for that his whole life (he’s 39). Our relationship went well, absolutely loved being with him and he said he loved me too, could see us going the distance. All great.

I’ve recently been suggesting we think about moving in in the new year. One of us move to the other’s. He’s vaguely said at some point but there’s no definite time frame. As the weeks have passed this has started to wind me up - we spend a lot of time together and it’s usually me going back and forth rather than him, because i have total flexible working so it’s simple for me to do it. I don’t mind this but the idea that he seems fine for it to be an ongoing thing indefinitely has started to upset me. I’m late 30s so also want to know if this is going anywhere, not just in words but I’m actions.

It’s caused a lot of tension as I can’t understand why he would put it off or not even come up with a timeframe if I’m the love of his life he claims I am?

We had a big row about this on Friday, where I got very upset and said do you even want a future with me with kids and marriage etc. He said he DID want that but my recent comments about moving in and now this argument had ‘seriously made him question the relationship.’

I said that he’d pushed me to that point by being vague about moving forwards yet telling me he loved me and wanted me. I said it was confusing and unfair on me.

He’s since been really distant with me and barely spoken. When I ask what’s wrong he just says he doesn’t know and all this is too much and I’ve become too intense.

Have i just broken us? I can be quite an intense person, when I snapped on Friday I was SO upset and said I didn’t want to be with an immature person and if he couldn’t get a grip and put actions to his words then I wish I hadn’t even bothered with the last year and a half. He has reason to be distant now doesn’t he?

I also think I can maybe be too enthusiastic if I want something to work and can be excitable about things like the idea of moving in…but im also quiet and reflective too. I worry that I’ve made a huge mess here and im so confused with his reaction. He’s told me over and over in the last 18 months that he’s looked all his life for his companion and he’s so happy he met me and felt so lucky. My head is all over the place.

You have not broken anything!!

He is saying one thing & doing another! I know it's really hard, but if you want children, don't waste another moment on this bloke.

You'll be the one left childless while he moves onto a younger model & has a family.

Please listen, I wish I had

You seem to be the needy and pushy one here, some men don't wan't to be organised and make plans, just because a woman does. You said that you talked about what you wanted, when you first met a year ago, which sounds odd and all too rushed to me.

@Oassthesalt when we began dating I was 36. I was 37 with our first, 40 with our second and now a surprise pregnancy with our third at 42! Just letting you know it can happen for older ladies .I hope you are alright.

[quote Ilovechocolatecoins]@Oassthesalt when we began dating I was 36. I was 37 with our first, 40 with our second and now a surprise pregnancy with our third at 42! Just letting you know it can happen for older ladies .I hope you are alright.[/quote]
Thanks @Ilovechocolatecoins it’s nice to hear some men do want to just get on with it and don’t string you along xxx

I’d be frustrated too OP.

You have been very clear about what you want and you were led to believe that he was on the same page. He’s now changing the goal posts.

Eighteen months in enough time to know if this is going somewhere. Honestly I think you need to take a step back and start dating again, however grim that may sound.

You want children, if that’s a non negotiable for you, do yourself a favour and start looking once again. It might be the jolt that he needs.

@BackBackBack

Darling, this is what men like him want. They rely on you tearing yourself apart to try and make them happy. They know that every time you try and pin them down, all they have to do is back off and you'll be blaming yourself for "pushing him away" and wondering what you need to do to smooth things over.

What this does is condition you to not push the agenda of what you want. He wants you to keep quiet and silently hope that it will all come good. He knows that all he has to do is throw you the occasional bone and that you will cling to this as evidence that one day he will come good (won't it be great when we do have kids/I don't want to be an older Dad). Notice though that in all of this he is not actually committing to a definite timescale or plan of action.

Every so often you will start to feel anxious about the years passing, so you will be brave and speak up - at which point he sulks/goes quiet and the cycle repeats itself because you have so much time and hope invested in this man that you are scared of walking away.

Eventually your fertile window has passed, it's too late and it doesn't matter for him. He can stay with you if he doesn't want kids. But if he changes his mind then he can dump you and get with someone 20/30 years younger and knock them up. Meanwhile you are left childless and alone with the horrible knowledge that you wasted your fertile years on a liar who didn't love you enough to be honest with you.

Excellent post

@WatieKatie starting again at 37 feels so hopeless

@youvegottenminuteslynn

The thing is OP, for whatever reason he doesn't want kids with you enough to move the relationship along at a normal pace.

I know that sucks but you know that now and need to accept it and end the relationship for good.

I can't tell you how many women I know who have been in your situation, stayed with the bloke for the majority of her 30s with him saying 'of course I want them im just not ready yet', then when the woman finally breaks up with them after wasting fertile years... he's engaged with a baby on the way within 12 months.

It's like a weird phenomenon that I've seen play out so many times.

Don't be that woman, you know what you want and he isn't on the same page. He may well want kids. He may well have them one day. But he doesn't want them with you enough to progress the relationship at a healthy pace.

All of this. Very true. Always focus on someone's actions rather than words. 18 months in is a good time to move in together, and the fact he is getting defensive rather than excited at this next step..... is a sign he doesn't see you as his future. You shouldn't have to work so hard to get a man to want to move in together in your late 30.

You haven’t ruined things. Your relationship was based on a facade that was created by his lies

You will come to realise you have dodged a bullet.

If you want children then have them. You don’t have to wait for anyone else to be on the same page.

I missed the post that you left his 20 mins ago and you're upset.

What happened?

I think you're going going to have to play this cool now a bit op, or he's going to run.

I say this kindly.

Around where we live lots of first time dads at 50, their partners are all 35 or younger. These are blokes in professional jobs building their careers and don't seem to think about kids till late 40s i.e.when they get high enough in their career and are happy to take the foot of the accelerator.my husband was 37 when we had our first baby, he was the only one out of all his friends.So I would say not unusual at all. Now I would never want to be with someone much older than me but blokes don't have to worry

@Oassthesalt

I’m so upset. I’ve left his just now and I’m already in tears. What the fuck has this relationship meant to him. I can’t understand it, he’s such a sincere and quiet sort of man. I totally trusted him with my whole heart. As soon as I’ve got upset about this property, he’s turned into someone I don’t recognise.

He's changed because it's now time for him to action what he promised, and he isn't ready to do that. And doesn't even have a reason why, because he just wants you to carry on this comfortable way of life where he doesn't have to commit to anything. One foot always out the door. The fact he can't even discuss this reasonably - allay your fears, show empathy, discuss his fears or concerns so you can resolve them together. He has no interest in fixing this other than you just shutting up.

Almost all my friends moved in together 18 months in, in their 20s/early 30s. I have done the same. It's a very normal progression. What's the point of not doing that now, as you'll never know how compatible you are till you move in. So why delay this..

Yes op some men do actively have kids in their 50s plus. My partner is one of them.

I understand OP,

It is a sickening, desperate, horrible feeling. However you must take charge of this situation if you want to have children.

If he isn’t willing to commit, you need to show him that you’ll walk. It’s the only option if you want to have children of your own.

Be strong.

Agree with everyone else.

Don't blame yourself.

18 months is perfectly long enough for someone to know whether they want to commit or not. You haven't pushed him away and if someone is so easily pushed away, they're not worth keeping. You are allowed to get upset or express negative emotion in a relationship of 18 months without fear of the other party backing off.

It's hard to hear, I know, but he's clearly not as much in love with you as he led you to believe and now, he's turning it all round on you to make it your fault. He's a coward.

But in the end, if he's not sure, he's not sure, that's absolutely his prerogative. Better you know now than have it dragged out for another year or so.

But do not waste any more precious time in trying to persuade him, second guess him or pyschoanalyse the situation.

[quote Oassthesalt]@WatieKatie starting again at 37 feels so hopeless[/quote]
I know it feels that way now, but it really isn't.

There is another thread running at the moment for a poster in a very similar situation to you. And another one for a poster who is single and wondering what to do next because she's a similar age and hasn't met anyone and wants a child.

There has been excellent advice from some very experienced and compassionate MNers on both threads. What it boils down to is that you have time now to make a decision about what YOU want to do. What's your priority - is it having a child? If so then take the relationship pressure off the table and consider exploring having a child by yourself. If having a relationship first is a deal-breaker for having a child, then work it through in your head whether you are prepared to remain childless if you don't find the right person to have that relationship and family.

The common theme in all of this is that these are your decisions, made at your behest and not subject to the whims of someone who does not have your best interests at heart.

OP you didn't do anything wrong.

All you need to remember is that if a man wants to marry, he will marry. If he wants to co-habit he will co-habit. If he wants to try for a baby, he will try for a baby.

He doesn't want any of those things because if he did, he would do it. There is nothing stopping him except himself.

He was wrong to lie to you about wanting the same things. I think you should break up with him as you don't want the same things.

Give it some time and if he decides he actually doesn't want to lose you, he will come back and ask to try again but this time, he will show his commitment by actions rather than words.

But don't drag it out. Just end it and see what happens.

18months is generally the do or die time for relationships. You have been honest about your wants and needs and he has to respect that. You don’t have time on your side.

I’d drop the rope and just not contact him for a while-this isn’t on you. It is him. If he comes back then I would be clear on my time frame-move in by…marriage by…(& possibly doesn’t have to be a huge things-just done is fine) ttc by…
Good luck ❤️‍🩹

If you want children you cannot give him anymore of your time. If he wasn’t genuine and you were totally clear about what you wanted from the start then he has behaved badly, If he keeps trying on relationships for size and then jumping ship when the woman pushes for more then that is the reason why he isn’t in a committed relationship.
He is CHOOSING to not be in a committed relationship.
You may have behaved more intensely that you hoped during the argument and you may have said some things you regret but quite simply if he wanted you, wanted the commitment/ family that you wanted this would not be happening. By not moving forward he is effectively ending the relationship and he knows it. He knows it without doubt because he has done it before.
It will be tempting to spend another 6 months trying to persuade him you can go back to being more casual that you can ‘go with the flow’ and be less intense but it will be a catastrophic bullshit waste of your time.
Plan to look at ways of having a child alone, and look for someone you don’t need to persuade into having a life with you.

He doesn't want kids with you. He's never wanted kids with you. He just told you what you wanted to hear. He love bombed you and future-faked.

Don't waste any more time on him.

This is where the expression why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free cones from.

Men don't have a biological clock the way we do.

He can shack up with a 25yo at 50 and have the perfect family life.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

OP ignore the posters saying you’ve been too intense and needy and should play it cool. There is nothing wrong with stating your desires and requirements and being upfront about them. To the person who said it’s odd this was discussed when you first met - why WOULDN’T you be honest about what you were looking for? You’ve done nothing wrong, even if you did say things you regret in anger, you’re not wrong to feel angry that he can’t match his actions to his words.

Maybe he doesn’t want to have a family yet, and there’s nothing wrong with that in itself, but if it’s the case that he’s happy to leave it til he’s 50 and make no moves towards doing it sooner he shouldn’t have been telling you he wants this and leading you on. He’s trying to blame you because you’ve backed him into a corner and exposed the fact he’s been stringing you along with no intention of making those things a reality.

It’s just misogyny to tell a woman she should downplay her needs and not assert them. You’ve been the honest one all along OP, the fault is with him and like the all the other men who do this, he’ll probably end up commitment-phobic and alone for a long time.

Ignore everything he is saying, and ask yourself what is he doing? You'll find your answer.

who plans to have kids at 50 though?

There's a guy on another thread in his mid-sixties who talks about having another baby. Some men don't feel restricted at all by their age.

You've done the right thing here.

Firstly let me reassure you .You have done nothing wrong here ! at all. It is unfair of him to string you along .At 39 he has all the time in the world to "settle down" .Like a lot of men he seems content with the Status Quo and suddenly you are saying you want to know where you stand .He is panicking! Many men dont seem to "get " female fertility .At pushing 40 you would think he wouldnt relish being an older Dad,but lets face it even if hes the most hands on man ever ,he doesnt have to carry a baby for 9 months ,breastfeed and so on. As above PP says just go quiet for a few days and see what he does