I thought I was the love of his life and now he is barely speaking to me after this?

[Oassthesalt]

Dating almost a year. I’m pretty upfront and the day we met I was clear I wanted to settle down with kids marriage etc. He said he felt exactly the same and had been looking for that his whole life (he’s 39). Our relationship went well, absolutely loved being with him and he said he loved me too, could see us going the distance. All great.

I’ve recently been suggesting we think about moving in in the new year. One of us move to the other’s. He’s vaguely said at some point but there’s no definite time frame. As the weeks have passed this has started to wind me up - we spend a lot of time together and it’s usually me going back and forth rather than him, because i have total flexible working so it’s simple for me to do it. I don’t mind this but the idea that he seems fine for it to be an ongoing thing indefinitely has started to upset me. I’m late 30s so also want to know if this is going anywhere, not just in words but I’m actions.

It’s caused a lot of tension as I can’t understand why he would put it off or not even come up with a timeframe if I’m the love of his life he claims I am?

We had a big row about this on Friday, where I got very upset and said do you even want a future with me with kids and marriage etc. He said he DID want that but my recent comments about moving in and now this argument had ‘seriously made him question the relationship.’

I said that he’d pushed me to that point by being vague about moving forwards yet telling me he loved me and wanted me. I said it was confusing and unfair on me.

He’s since been really distant with me and barely spoken. When I ask what’s wrong he just says he doesn’t know and all this is too much and I’ve become too intense.

Have i just broken us? I can be quite an intense person, when I snapped on Friday I was SO upset and said I didn’t want to be with an immature person and if he couldn’t get a grip and put actions to his words then I wish I hadn’t even bothered with the last year and a half. He has reason to be distant now doesn’t he?

I also think I can maybe be too enthusiastic if I want something to work and can be excitable about things like the idea of moving in…but im also quiet and reflective too. I worry that I’ve made a huge mess here and im so confused with his reaction. He’s told me over and over in the last 18 months that he’s looked all his life for his companion and he’s so happy he met me and felt so lucky. My head is all over the place.

I’m not sure I agree he has been stringing you along. You admit to being intense and being nasty in an argument, and that’s just what you’re willing to admit on here. Just as you want to move things quickly, he is entitled to want to move things slowly. The only issue is you have age against you, but there is strictly speaking nothing wrong with his approach. It actually does sound like you may have love bombed him and if it was the other way, there would be red flags.

So I wouldn’t say that he’s messed you around. You have simply come to a make or break point in your relationship.

I know someone, very well, that this happened to.

She had been in LTR with her partner since early 20s and he was the same age. Marriage and kids always firmly and clearly on the agenda - but "in the future".

She hit 30 and wanted to get married and TTC but he still wasn't ready. Early 30s, after being told that she wanted marriage and a family, he eventually agreed to "get engaged". Any attempts to try and discuss a wedding date were firmly rebuffed. By her later 30s she was still engaged and still waiting to TTC. The best her partner could say was that he was almost ready but not quite. He wanted to have a dream holiday first. He wanted to get the house extension done first. He wanted to get married first - but there were always plenty of reasons why they couldn't book a date and start planning.

She hit 40 and felt absolutely desperate, at which point he agreed to book a wedding date and that they would TTC straight away once they were married. The wedding had to be a huge and lavish affair and so naturally took quite a long time to plan and pay for, especially as he kept changing his mind about what he wanted. She was 43 by the time they got married.

On the honeymoon she made a joke about ditching the pill now because they were TTC, at which point he dropped the bombshell that he didn't think he wanted children after all. As you can imagine her world fell apart - and they had a few go-arounds because he kept saying that he didn't know what he wanted (and therefore leaving it up for grabs that he might change his mind back).

After a year of the same discussions and being put through the emotional wringer, he finally told her the truth. He'd decided he didn't want kids when he was in his late 20s but hadn't told her because he didn't want to lose her, and he'd hoped that she would forget about it or lose interest or change her mind.

They divorced. And by the time she'd got sorted, found her own house, got finances in order and so on, she was 45. She went for a fertility assessment but her ovarian reserves were almost non-existent and she didn't feel that she had the strength and emotional resilience to go down the donor egg and sperm route. So she went for counselling and tried to come to terms with the fact that she would't have the children she'd always wanted.

She is now in her mid-50s and is a lovely, caring, compassionate, funny woman, with a full life and has her shit together. But she still struggles with the fact that the year after she got divorced, her Ex had a casual relationship which resulted in an accidental pregnancy. And that he now goes around telling everyone how amazing fatherhood is and how it's the best thing he ever did.

She gave up twenty years of her life to a man that lied to her and stole her fertile years from her. It can and does happen. Don't let it happen to you.

I wonder if he’s become selfish (or was just always selfish). He’s had a companion and you’ve been the flexible one going to him. Now you’re asking for the next step which after 18 month isn’t unreasonable and he’s panicked that the nice little set up he has won’t be there anymore. I agree about going quiet for a bit and see what happens. You’ve laid your cards on the table and the next move is his.

That is such a sorry tale

Backback Backs post

@BackBackBack, what an utter shit! Your poor friend. It’s hard when you love someone not to believe they’re good and honest but sometimes I think we need to be kinder to ourselves and think about what we want.

He just doesn't want to move the relationship forward. Why I don't know. If he's not ready go move in then there is no chance of a family life if thats what you are looking for.

GraceandFrankie I think there is something wrong with his approach though , As I said in my post many men seem to be clueless about female fertitlity .The thing is OP may have lost her shit ,but its her life thats being messed with here.She wants to have a baby ,which is natural for most women but not so for all men! He has told her what she wants to hear.She will be left high and dry while he is still enjoying himself into his 40s FFS!

You didn't push him away at all.

You were upfront with him from the time you met but he just told you what you wanted to hear to get laid.

What would you have done if he told you the truth that he wasn't thinking about kids at all?

You are excited and ready to move in and start your lives together.
If he wanted those things, he would be as excited as you are and making a plan for it.

He deserved everything you said to him after he's lied to you and strung you along for 1 1/2 years. He's kept you from meeting someone who wants the same as you. So don't feel bad.

@BackBackBack that’s awful. I can’t believe someone would do that? I take it she never speaks to him now? I don’t know how someone would get over that? How long did it take for her life to get back on track?

@GraceandFrankie

I’m not sure I agree he has been stringing you along. You admit to being intense and being nasty in an argument, and that’s just what you’re willing to admit on here. Just as you want to move things quickly, he is entitled to want to move things slowly. The only issue is you have age against you, but there is strictly speaking nothing wrong with his approach. It actually does sound like you may have love bombed him and if it was the other way, there would be red flags.

So I wouldn’t say that he’s messed you around. You have simply come to a make or break point in your relationship.

I'd agree with what's been said here.

@Oassthesalt you've left his place in tears ? Was there any discussion between you about the future ?

Personally I think you should apologise to him for things you said in anger ,explain how you were feeling ,acknowledge that you are intense sometimes .If you feel that you love him ,tell him .

[quote peridito]@Oassthesalt you've left his place in tears ? Was there any discussion between you about the future ?

Personally I think you should apologise to him for things you said in anger ,explain how you were feeling ,acknowledge that you are intense sometimes .If you feel that you love him ,tell him .[/quote]
@peridito I did all of that. I said I loved him very much but needed to know we were moving forwards and said I’d felt increasingly confused about things.

He’s not yet met my family and has made various excuses, all of them reasonable on the face of it, but equally, if he really wanted to make the effort we could have organised it.

I explained to him that it was all these things that make me feel like we are not progressing at all and we apologised for getting cross and saying what I said. He was quiet and said I always want things my way and maybe it was better I left like I suggested. So I left.

I honestly don’t know what he means about wanting things my way. From what film we watch to what time we eat dinner to when we can move in or progress things, it’s all been on his terms so far.

I feel drained and humiliated that I believed he loved me as I did him. I actually don’t think he will contact me, I can sense it that he’s just pulled away totally.

@peridito *I apologised

Do not let him do the whole ‘crazy woman’ thing to you when he’s the one who sold you a future and has now done a 180.

You were absolutely right to say what you did, and I’m fed up of men thinking we should all be grateful for the scraps they throw us and that expecting any commitment makes us mad bitches!

I have to be honest he sounds a total commitment phobe that is very immature and hard as it is, I would move on without him. Have you looked into freezing eggs to buy a little time?

I disagree vehemently that this is your fault. You've been together 18 months, you're nearing the end of your fertile years. 18 months is quite soon enough at your age to know whether a relationship is going to go the distance.

But I think he's been future faking you all the way through. Not wanting to meet your family is a big red flag. Basically he doesn't want marriage and kids with you. And now you've called him out on it and he's angry because he is being forced to realise how badly he has behaved.

He's wasted 2 years of your dwindling fertility.

This is not a good man. This is a selfish, weak, lazy man.

I'm sorry.

@Glassofshloer he told me I was different as he’d not had a relationship for 8 years, that this meant a lot to him. He seemed to really value me and us. No I haven’t done that I can’t face that this moment in time. I think I’ve got to accept this break up. He seemed like he was perfectly fine with me leaving.

[quote Oassthesalt]@Glassofshloer he told me I was different as he’d not had a relationship for 8 years, that this meant a lot to him. He seemed to really value me and us. No I haven’t done that I can’t face that this moment in time. I think I’ve got to accept this break up. He seemed like he was perfectly fine with me leaving.[/quote]
It’s incredible how men find the right words in the beginning of a relationship yet lose them as time goes on I’m quite angry on your behalf. I hope things work out for you OP you deserve better than this. Keep being intense aka honest and reasonable!

Perhaps now is the time for you to walk away and let him feel life without you.

If you are indeed the love of his life, he will soon realise that his cold feet reaction to your plans together are losing him 'the one.' If that's what this is.

It is worrying that you are so prepared to see yourself as in the wrong, and take all the responsibility for messing things up. Because those are not the facts.

If he acts like you're in the wrong, and you also act like it is you who is in the wrong, then that will become the accepted narrative. But it isn't actually the truth of the matter.

You could say to him, I'm sorry I spoke to you in a way that came across insulting. I was upset. Because I thought we had agreed and established that we were heading in the same lovely direction together. Once I began to realise (from what you were saying/doing) that wasn't the case, I was just so shocked and upset that I reacted and ignored my self edit button. But now I can see that you don't want the same as me, and I'm certainly not going to try to persuade you, I think we need to go our separate ways. I'm only interested in a relationship with someone who is enthusiastic about it.

And then walk away. If you're meant to be together, then let it be because he has time to think about what he wants and then make a positive decision. Not because he gives in to stop you getting upset and feels like he's done you some kind of favour.

You want what you thought you actually had, a man who feels bloody lucky to have you. If he isn't that man, he's not right for you. If he's ok with the break up and it doesn't make him come after you, then at least you ended it (because he failed you) and you didn't beg. And at least you had a say, some control, and acted in your own best interests.

Don't think you've blown it. You didn't do anything wrong. But better to discover now if it isn't as right as you thought, rather than further down the line.

I’m so sorry OP. What an absolute shit.
I could see the same happening to you as a PPs friend above.
You haven’t pushed him away or been intense. You quite rightly wanted to know if your relationship was moving forward. He’s pushed you away. His loss OP xx

I disagree with people saying he's stringing you along. I mean, he might be but it's impossible to judge that from the info you've given. You've been going out for 18mths at a very strange time. He says he wants marriage and kids like you do but his time frame may not be the same and he doesn't want to move as fast as you. That doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or doesn't want to marry you in the future, it's just something he's not ready for yet. If a poster wrote that their boyfriend was nagging them to move in and get married before the poster was ready, responses on here would be that they were massive red flags. But somehow when it's the other way round, it's all blamed on the man.
I guess what I'm saying is that if you were in your 20s, you'd be happily waiting not concerned but time pressures are making you anxious. That really can't be his problem as he has to make decisions that are right for him. I guess this is a crossroads where the decision to carry on or break is up to you.

So sorry, I hadn't read your recent updates when I posted my comments.

[quote Oassthesalt]@BackBackBack that’s awful. I can’t believe someone would do that? I take it she never speaks to him now? I don’t know how someone would get over that? How long did it take for her life to get back on track?[/quote]
Probably about a year or so of going off the rails. Drinking too much, being really angry and bitter about how things had ended up. Followed by a couple of years of very intensive recovery - I know she was in counselling every week at the start as I used to take her to some of her appointments and that she was also on anti-depressants.

I think once she got to 50 she turned a corner, because she went through the menopause and the biological 'closing of the door' helped her to see it as a part of her life that was in the past now. She used that as a turning point to re-train and she now works with children with additional needs, as she decided that was where she wanted to focus her energy and passion.

Fortunately he moved away so she doesn't see him. And the shared friendship circle cut him off. She's a really lovely person and quite open about her circumstances. But whilst she has worked very hard to try and let go of being angry and bitter, she also is honest about the fact that she still has down days, and that it will always be a huge regret of hers that she trusted her Ex for as long as she did.

So everything is on his terms?
It's your fault that you want to discuss your future and actually move to the next stage of the relationship.
He has made excuses to not meet your family.
I'm not convinced he has ever been as serious about you as he says.

He isn't even mature enough to have a sensible conversation about it.

I'm sorry OP, I don't think he's the person you thought he was.