I thought I was the love of his life and now he is barely speaking to me after this?

[Oassthesalt]

Dating almost a year. I’m pretty upfront and the day we met I was clear I wanted to settle down with kids marriage etc. He said he felt exactly the same and had been looking for that his whole life (he’s 39). Our relationship went well, absolutely loved being with him and he said he loved me too, could see us going the distance. All great.

I’ve recently been suggesting we think about moving in in the new year. One of us move to the other’s. He’s vaguely said at some point but there’s no definite time frame. As the weeks have passed this has started to wind me up - we spend a lot of time together and it’s usually me going back and forth rather than him, because i have total flexible working so it’s simple for me to do it. I don’t mind this but the idea that he seems fine for it to be an ongoing thing indefinitely has started to upset me. I’m late 30s so also want to know if this is going anywhere, not just in words but I’m actions.

It’s caused a lot of tension as I can’t understand why he would put it off or not even come up with a timeframe if I’m the love of his life he claims I am?

We had a big row about this on Friday, where I got very upset and said do you even want a future with me with kids and marriage etc. He said he DID want that but my recent comments about moving in and now this argument had ‘seriously made him question the relationship.’

I said that he’d pushed me to that point by being vague about moving forwards yet telling me he loved me and wanted me. I said it was confusing and unfair on me.

He’s since been really distant with me and barely spoken. When I ask what’s wrong he just says he doesn’t know and all this is too much and I’ve become too intense.

Have i just broken us? I can be quite an intense person, when I snapped on Friday I was SO upset and said I didn’t want to be with an immature person and if he couldn’t get a grip and put actions to his words then I wish I hadn’t even bothered with the last year and a half. He has reason to be distant now doesn’t he?

I also think I can maybe be too enthusiastic if I want something to work and can be excitable about things like the idea of moving in…but im also quiet and reflective too. I worry that I’ve made a huge mess here and im so confused with his reaction. He’s told me over and over in the last 18 months that he’s looked all his life for his companion and he’s so happy he met me and felt so lucky. My head is all over the place.

You did a right thing, I think he just wanna out of the things about the duty, as a man, as a lover of you

You seem to be the needy and pushy one here, some men don't wan't to be organised and make plans, just because a woman does. You said that you talked about what you wanted, when you first met a year ago, which sounds odd and all too rushed to me

Then he could have said that 18 months ago, instead of enthusiastically agreeing he wanted all of that too, and deciding now that actually he doesn’t, or if he does his timeline for kids is so far in the future that he can’t realistically have them with OP. He has wasted 18 months of her life and fertility here.

There are countless threads on here about men who wilfully squander women's fertile years. It makes me absolutely furious. It is monstrous behaviour

I don't think he's the bad guy in this at all even though others seem to think so. There's no bad guy. No one is right or wrong.

If he's not ready for the next step, he's not ready for the next step. It's been 18 months and during a pandemic too. These are not normal times! I know a couple of people who have always wanted kids who are now saying that they don't because they don't want to bring kids into such a messed up world!

He probably has felt all the tension and feeling pressured so now after the argument he knows he has to give you a date to move in by if the relationship is to continue. People feeling pressure and all that tension won't be able to give a date, they'll just want to end it.

Sounds like the relationship has just came to a crossroads.

You haven't broken it. He'll stall forever until he leaves for someone younger to buy another 10 years child free. Leave now and give yourself time to meet someone who is serious about you

Hes saying one thing,.doing another.
If he were genuine you wouldnt be on here writing this post, you would be moving forward, making proper plans.
It doesnt sound like he is comitted.
He is wasting your time, take control and walk away.

I know someone, very well, that this happened to.

@BackBackBack
What happened to your friend is completely different, the OP's relationship is only 18 months old!

OP,you say that surely no no man wants to be having first children in their 40s---im afraid entry if men are fine with having kids in their 40s and perfectly possible to fo do,problem us that unless you as a woman want to risk getting pregnant in your early 40's, then hus yimexscale may well not fit yours, so if he isn't interested in committing to moving in within next year and/or trying for a baby almost immediately at that point, I think its best to end things, as no matter how much you like him he isnt on tbe same page mentally

Posted before I had chance to go back in and edit!

@Crikeyalmighty

OP,you say that surely no no man wants to be having first children in their 40s---im afraid entry if men are fine with having kids in their 40s and perfectly possible to fo do,problem us that unless you as a woman want to risk getting pregnant in your early 40's, then hus yimexscale may well not fit yours, so if he isn't interested in committing to moving in within next year and/or trying for a baby almost immediately at that point, I think its best to end things, as no matter how much you like him he isnt on tbe same page mentally

@Crikeyalmighty what I mean is someone who has been single 8 years, saying he wants all that with me, then making no steps to progress anything…doesn’t seem like for him that he’s really that bothered. I don’t know many women over 30 who want to cruise through the next few years and if he’s looking for someone in their twenties, maybe I’m naive, but I can’t imagine they will be falling at his feet, he’ll have competition with practically an entire decade junior to him. I know it happens I just don’t know many men who meet the love of their life in their 40s and it all falls into place easily. Most men his age who want to settle down, are doing just that.

"I honestly don’t know what he means about wanting things my way. From what film we watch to what time we eat dinner to when we can move in or progress things, it’s all been on his terms so far."

OP this doesn't sound like much of a two way relationship at all.

@YukoandHiro

"I honestly don’t know what he means about wanting things my way. From what film we watch to what time we eat dinner to when we can move in or progress things, it’s all been on his terms so far."

OP this doesn't sound like much of a two way relationship at all.

@YukoandHiro it’s not like he wouldn’t get food in that I liked etc but basically he always seemed so overwhelmed by work and life that I just tried to be easy going day to day to take any further stress away. I’m not saying I didn’t say if I wanted to do something- I did - but my ideas and plans were often on the back burner, example being meeting my family that rolled on month after month. We had a trip planned for London for one night to see a show. That was my idea but it was first booked in March and we still haven’t gone/had to keep moving it! So yeah I’m not sure how he thinks I had things ‘my way.’

I feel a bit better now im back at mine. Just shocked that he doesn’t seem to care enough to talk with me properly. I’m fed up of vague responses.

He's just not that into you. Move on.

he always seemed so overwhelmed by work and life

Why were you planning a future with a man that already had his hands full ? If he's already struggling then there's no room for a relationship/family etc etc

@ToffeeNotCoffee

he always seemed so overwhelmed by work and life

Why were you planning a future with a man that already had his hands full ? If he's already struggling then there's no room for a relationship/family etc etc

@ToffeeNotCoffee because he said he wanted those things. And despite his high salary and busy days, I actually earn more and work longer hours…it’s not that hard to also have a relationship.

my ideas and plans were often on the back burner,

Because, to him, they were an obligation i.e. meeting your family. He didn't want to meet your family, shake your Dad's hand be polite to your Mum or whatever would be appropriate to your circumstances.

Further obligation was going to see a show i.e. making further arrangements such as travel and accommodation if that's what needs to be done.

You have facilitated him far to much.

Sorry, but wake up and smell the coffee.

This relationship has been at his convenience. He never had any intention of moving in/moving forward with you.

I hope you grow and learn from this experience.

@TheresAStarmanWaitingInTheSky

Don't know where Budapestdreams came from. Meant to say what a lot of rubbish . The OP is not going to sit around for years waiting on him to decide if he wants to commit.

No and I’m not suggesting she does. Cut losses now. Don’t try to understand.

The more you talk about him the more he doesn’t sound brilliant. Like you’ve been doing most of the work. I think there can be a lot of expectation placed on going to university, getting a job, meeting the love of your life, getting married, kids. I think some just assume that’s naturally what should happen so they agree to it and then suddenly when it becomes the next logical step they decide it’s not actually what they want.

I’d step right back. It doesn’t sound like a two way relationship at all.

I think now you need to have a long hard look at what you thought was a perfect relationship because from other things you've said, it feels like you've been papering over the cracks a fair bit.

Not wanting to meet your parents, not wanting to commit to nights out - these are signs that he's not on the same page as you. Did you go away on holiday together, buy one another expensive gifts, meet one another's friends etc? How embedded were you in each other's lives?

I feel angry on your behalf OP. He is a future faking cunt, running down women's fertile years - if I was in charge I would put blokes like him on a future faking register so that no one who wants children would date them.

@Clymene

I think now you need to have a long hard look at what you thought was a perfect relationship because from other things you've said, it feels like you've been papering over the cracks a fair bit.

Not wanting to meet your parents, not wanting to commit to nights out - these are signs that he's not on the same page as you. Did you go away on holiday together, buy one another expensive gifts, meet one another's friends etc? How embedded were you in each other's lives?

@Clymene we did spend a lot of time together, I’d say nearly every night in the last six months. We were always in contact, enjoyed watching the same series on tv, cooking together, walks, some trips out, dinner out once a week usually. We hadn’t gone on holiday but that was just because he couldn’t find the time. We had things booked and he took an interest, it just often got cancelled or postponed as he’d think work was busy or he wanted to go see his dad etc. The meeting family, again, he said he definitely wanted to but there always seemed to be things cropping up that meant it didn’t happen.

I did feel sad about these things but also didn’t want to be too pushy or unfair or pressure him. I guess it’s all come to a head though. Felt like a full time relationship with no real depth, never experienced that before

@fuckoffImcounting

I feel angry on your behalf OP. He is a future faking cunt, running down women's fertile years - if I was in charge I would put blokes like him on a future faking register so that no one who wants children would date them.

@fuckoffImcounting this has made me feel loads better 😂 thank you x

Lots of red flags here that you've ignored because you've been fogged by feelings. Firstly, the making excuses not to meet your family, is a clear indication that he wants to keep the relationship on a superficial level, and that is not linked to anything you have said more recently. Then, you've made yourself available at his convenience and he's not had to put any effort in. If you go to him all the time, he can just sit back and coast along and you are letting him and making it easy. What are you even doing going to his today after all he's said, but not done? Have some self respect and pride. I'd just not contact him, see if he does. Don't go round again, get some space and consider the signs that were there throughout. He never wanted to move things on, but that is nothing to do with you, he's got to 39 and still single and independent for a reason, and that is most likely as that's the way he wants it. If he had told you what he was about from the start, you would not have got with him, he knew this so lied and told you what you wanted to hear. I suggest next time, don't waste time you don't have, if they haven't met friends and family around the 6 month mark, cut it loose because it's a sure sign of commmitmentphobia, you waited way too long at 18 months, you should give this up now, he won't ever make you happy.

He wanted "the girlfriend experience". Not a real life girlfriend and relationship. Super common in men I know of that age. They then seem to get to 44/45, panic and grab a 34/35 year old and have a baby within a year.

It's not you. It's him. And if he's worth having, he'll do something about it so leave him to it and go and enjoy yourself with your friends and family for a bit.

If he disappears off or tries to play games, let it all go and perhaps consider some therapy to get you in the right headspace for when a better man comes along. Also, from experience, don't hold on to get "closure" - if he is what he appears, he will never give it to you but you can find it for yourself, move on and be happy.

The people who want to be in our lives, tend to make sure they stay in our lives. Don't settle for anything less.

He wanted "the girlfriend experience". Not a real life girlfriend and relationship. Super common in men I know of that age.

So right. They want the sofa cuddles, back rubs, meals made, regular sex thing, and to stretch it on as long as they can by making women feel ‘psycho’ for asking about future plans, commitment etc