I thought I was the love of his life and now he is barely speaking to me after this?

[Oassthesalt]

Dating almost a year. I’m pretty upfront and the day we met I was clear I wanted to settle down with kids marriage etc. He said he felt exactly the same and had been looking for that his whole life (he’s 39). Our relationship went well, absolutely loved being with him and he said he loved me too, could see us going the distance. All great.

I’ve recently been suggesting we think about moving in in the new year. One of us move to the other’s. He’s vaguely said at some point but there’s no definite time frame. As the weeks have passed this has started to wind me up - we spend a lot of time together and it’s usually me going back and forth rather than him, because i have total flexible working so it’s simple for me to do it. I don’t mind this but the idea that he seems fine for it to be an ongoing thing indefinitely has started to upset me. I’m late 30s so also want to know if this is going anywhere, not just in words but I’m actions.

It’s caused a lot of tension as I can’t understand why he would put it off or not even come up with a timeframe if I’m the love of his life he claims I am?

We had a big row about this on Friday, where I got very upset and said do you even want a future with me with kids and marriage etc. He said he DID want that but my recent comments about moving in and now this argument had ‘seriously made him question the relationship.’

I said that he’d pushed me to that point by being vague about moving forwards yet telling me he loved me and wanted me. I said it was confusing and unfair on me.

He’s since been really distant with me and barely spoken. When I ask what’s wrong he just says he doesn’t know and all this is too much and I’ve become too intense.

Have i just broken us? I can be quite an intense person, when I snapped on Friday I was SO upset and said I didn’t want to be with an immature person and if he couldn’t get a grip and put actions to his words then I wish I hadn’t even bothered with the last year and a half. He has reason to be distant now doesn’t he?

I also think I can maybe be too enthusiastic if I want something to work and can be excitable about things like the idea of moving in…but im also quiet and reflective too. I worry that I’ve made a huge mess here and im so confused with his reaction. He’s told me over and over in the last 18 months that he’s looked all his life for his companion and he’s so happy he met me and felt so lucky. My head is all over the place.

[quote Oassthesalt]@Glassofshloer he told me I was different as he’d not had a relationship for 8 years, that this meant a lot to him. He seemed to really value me and us. No I haven’t done that I can’t face that this moment in time. I think I’ve got to accept this break up. He seemed like he was perfectly fine with me leaving.[/quote]
I'm enraged on your behalf, OP. The sheer audacity to say that you want things your way, when he does too and hasn't shown any signs of compromise in 18 months.

Some people, OP, are incapable of having relationships- because they may be capable of love, but they aren't capable of compromise and empathy. That seems to sum up this man. Love isn't just flowery words, love is committing to a JOINT future, to listening and caring about your partner's worries and fears, and wanting to fix issues together. None of which he seems able to do, at 39.

As terrible as you feel, you should feel proud you forced the conversation and stood your ground, rather than let him waste even more time. If he had indeed wanted kids or a future, he would have had some idea/plan for your relationship he would have shared with you - and you could both have met in the middle. Instead he's shut down the convo, blamed you, and given you no clarity of what/when he wants things.

See his communication style as a red flag, and consider it a lucky escape. His reasons are irrelevant now - what matters is he handles conflict like a petulant teenager, and kicking you out of his home rather than discuss it like an adult is evidence of that.

@madisonbridges

I disagree with people saying he's stringing you along. I mean, he might be but it's impossible to judge that from the info you've given. You've been going out for 18mths at a very strange time. He says he wants marriage and kids like you do but his time frame may not be the same and he doesn't want to move as fast as you. That doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or doesn't want to marry you in the future, it's just something he's not ready for yet. If a poster wrote that their boyfriend was nagging them to move in and get married before the poster was ready, responses on here would be that they were massive red flags. But somehow when it's the other way round, it's all blamed on the man. I guess what I'm saying is that if you were in your 20s, you'd be happily waiting not concerned but time pressures are making you anxious. That really can't be his problem as he has to make decisions that are right for him. I guess this is a crossroads where the decision to carry on or break is up to you.

Frankly any man who is unaware that women's biological clock has a finite time span isn't mature enough to live on his own, no matter about being in a relationship

whoever "it is" its evident that its not going to work so why waste your time?

[quote Oassthesalt]@Rummikub he does have time but at 39 you’d think if he wanted those things he would be taking action? Surely no man who really wants all that would be happy to let it slide into his mid forties if he genuinely wanted those things?[/quote]
I hate to say it but it's probably what you're thinking. He does what those things but deep down, not with you and either hasn't worked that out yet and so is becoming distant or does know and doesn't know wo how to tell you and blames you for being 'intense '

@GraceandFrankie

I’m not sure I agree he has been stringing you along. You admit to being intense and being nasty in an argument, and that’s just what you’re willing to admit on here. Just as you want to move things quickly, he is entitled to want to move things slowly. The only issue is you have age against you, but there is strictly speaking nothing wrong with his approach. It actually does sound like you may have love bombed him and if it was the other way, there would be red flags.

So I wouldn’t say that he’s messed you around. You have simply come to a make or break point in your relationship.

Why would you say something so cruel and presumptuous? You're making quite a lot of wild assumptions about OP

He told you he wanted the same as you. At the point where that becomes a reality, he not only proves that he was lying to string you along but he tries to gaslight you and suggest YOU are the unreasonable one who was wrong AND has driven him away with your dreadfulness.
It’s not you, it’s him

Sorry this has happened to you OP.

Ditch and run. He's a time waster.

This sounds really familiar, I’m really concerned that OP is struggling with this situation a lot. Do you have anyone in real life to support you OP?

From what film we watch to what time we eat dinner to when we can move in or progress things, it’s all been on his terms so far.

Why? You need to start exercising healthier boundaries than this in order to find an equal and suitable partner to have a family with, if that's what you want. Why have you allowed everything to be on his terms even when it comes to films and food?!

Why would you say something so cruel and presumptuous? You're making quite a lot of wild assumptions about OP

@JudgementalCactus What on earth did I say that is cruel and presumptuous and making wild assumptions….?!

OP, I'm sorry. You're right to 'accept this break-up'. He was a time-waster, after all.

@GraceandFrankie

Why would you say something so cruel and presumptuous? You're making quite a lot of wild assumptions about OP

@JudgementalCactus What on earth did I say that is cruel and presumptuous and making wild assumptions….?!

You accused her of love bombing him...?

I can't help thinking that having no relationship for 8 years suggests someone who isn't really that concerned about marriage and children and may also not actually be much good at committed relationships at all. It could be bad luck but it is unlikely that a man can't find a girlfriend in this 30s. And I don't really believe that you are so special and different from all the rest (no offence intended) - if it was that difficult to find a compatible partner, no one would get married.

Maybe he is just maturing from someone who wanted to show his wild oats, and deciding he wants something more, and it is just too soon for him to break the habits of living a single, fancy-free lifestyle. Or maybe he never will reach that point. Or maybe you just aren't the one for him. Whatever, it sounds like you are well off without him, painful though that will be in the short term. Onwards and upwards.

@JudgementalCactus Based on what she said herself…she describes herself as being intense!

If it was the other way round, and there was a man pressuring a woman to move in together and have a family, after exchanging big declarations of love, you just know everyone would be accusing him of red flags.

No need to criticise what I said just because you don’t like it…

...He was quiet and said I always want things my way and maybe it was better I left like I suggested. So I left.

I honestly don’t know what he means about wanting things my way. From what film we watch to what time we eat dinner to when we can move in or progress things, it’s all been on his terms so far.

This is an absolutely classic ploy men use to get a woman to back off from what she wants or needs (that he doesn't want to provide) in order to prove to him that she isn't 'bossy' or 'selfish'. Most women have been conditioned to think that we want to be thought of as 'nice' or 'giving' so being called a bitch or bossy is the worst thing that can happen to us. Men know this and they use it to keep things going the way they want to.

He's 'perfectly fine with me leaving'. Well, of course he is. You rocked his happy little boat and made it clear to him that you expect to have the life you want (marriage and children) and that it was time for him to fish or cut bait. And he's decided not only to cut bait but to make you blame yourself for sinking his happy little boat (per my first paragraph).

I know you don't feel it now, but you've dodged a bullet. My exH strung me along for 4 years before telling me he never wanted children. Luckily I was only 24 when I kicked him out. When I met now-DH a few years later I laid it out on the line very early on, that I wanted marriage and children (in general, not necessarily with him at that point) and if he didn't want that he needed to tell me right then before things got serious. He did and we were married 10 months later We've now been married for decades and have 2 grown sons.

Ohhh it ain’t you, it’s him!

His been stringing you along.

Wow the double standards are out in force here.

If a woman posted that she’d been with a bloke for “almost a year,” (amazing how posters seem to have elevated that to 18 months to justify their point,) and he was putting pressure on her to move in/start a family and she was stalling and he’d told her it was little wonder she hadn’t had a relationship in a long time posters would be telling her he was abusive, that it was al him and she was well rid.

But because it’s a woman the bloke is obviously the one in the wrong…

...He was quiet and said I always want things my way and maybe it was better I left like I suggested. So I left.

His argument makes no sense. If you are both on the same page about what you want, then there is no 'your way / his way' is there? How telling that he says that what you want is 'your way', because it really neatly tells you that he doesn't see it aligning to what HE wants. Which is completely on him because he lied to you about wanting the same things.

[quote GraceandFrankie]@JudgementalCactus Based on what she said herself…she describes herself as being intense!

If it was the other way round, and there was a man pressuring a woman to move in together and have a family, after exchanging big declarations of love, you just know everyone would be accusing him of red flags.

No need to criticise what I said just because you don’t like it…[/quote]
How do you know who initiated the love declarations and how soon? Entirely plausible that it was him, given that he gave her the whole "I want the wife and kids life" spiel.

Plus she's not asking for marriage and babies tomorrow. She's brought up moving in together, which is very standard at the one year mark.

I see no red flags at all.

It’s not you. Anyone who says it is on here is either on target for the children and family life they want or they already have it. It’s a cliche for a reason. If anything I admire you, you were completely up front and you didn’t accept his bullshit. I hope there will come a time when you look back and feel proud of yourself that you challenged him on his withholding and delaying tactics.

Personally I would go it alone if I were you. I say that as a single parent who split from my children’s father when they were 2 and 5, so I am fully aware of what single parenthood entails.

@HeartsAndClubs

Wow the double standards are out in force here.

If a woman posted that she’d been with a bloke for “almost a year,” (amazing how posters seem to have elevated that to 18 months to justify their point,) and he was putting pressure on her to move in/start a family and she was stalling and he’d told her it was little wonder she hadn’t had a relationship in a long time posters would be telling her he was abusive, that it was al him and she was well rid.

But because it’s a woman the bloke is obviously the one in the wrong…

OP's second post literally tells you that the 'almost a year' is a typo and that they have been together 18 months.

And using your example, if the woman had previously told the bloke that she wanted to get married and start a family as a priority, but then was getting cold feet but decided not to be honest with her partner, she'd be getting her arse handed to her.

@JudgementalCactus Who is making the assumptions now…?

Not sure what point you’re trying to make to me?

@Oassthesalt
I'm sorry you're going through this ,a cruel blow indeed to go from He’s told me over and over in the last 18 months that he’s looked all his life for his companion and he’s so happy he met me and felt so lucky to a casual "right ,you'd better leave then".

Be kind to yourself .

[quote GraceandFrankie]@JudgementalCactus Who is making the assumptions now…?

Not sure what point you’re trying to make to me?[/quote]
Well your assumptions are just as good as mine. You basically called her an abusive partner (cause that's who resorts to love bombing) going on the very limited info from her post. I find that quite offensive.

I am sorry but if you want those things you need to move on. He loves you but he can't give you what he wants. Something happened to my sister with her fiance who literally when push came to shove didn't want to marry her. But she then met her future husband who is a much better match for her and she had 1or 2 of her children in her forties.